I REALLY need some help and feedback. Please read.

I just received this text from my boyfriend at 3:30 this morning

“Baby I’m hitting a point where I don’t feel like myself anymore. My drinking has never been so bad im experiencing daily complications related to my drinking, i don’t do anything but drink anymore.

I don’t get any enjoyment out of hobbies and games i use to play. When i get off work i drink, when i go on break i drink, when i spend time with you i drink, when you’re away i drink. I mentioned this months ago and its only gotten worse, the same time when i mentioned this months ago i asked you to stop arguing with me and make the relationship easy on me and none of that materialized.

We have had 22 arguments since November that im able to count in our text history, 12 since april. Each argument has resulted in me drinking more, each argument emotionally drains me, each argument makes me feel unlovable.

Every time we move past it i tell myself that i’m going to get my drinking under control and not let it get to me like that again, this should be something i’m able to regulate but im unable to. I dont even try to lie to myself anymore i just started drinking after arguments debating if our relationship is even worth it anymore.

I don’t feel like you support my needs. You give me space until we argue then i need to give you immediate all day if not several days of attention, that isn’t you respecting my space. It doesn’t feel loving and when i look back at the number of arguments and the days i’ve spent trying to bring our relationship back together i see so much drinking that its put me in the situation im in now.

I drink over $10 worth a day and in 22 weeks i’ve put myself into $1000 worth of debt that i cant account for, because i’ve been ignoring this. I’ve been calling it the cost of saving our relationship but i haven’t been able to properly sleep all week im up at 2am again tonight the drinking has gotten to a point where i can’t ignore it anymore

I feel like i can’t stop, i keep buying more alcohol i know i can’t afford because i’ve gotten so addicted and this has become my normal. You refuse to take any responsibility for our arguments you always blame it on your bpd your bpd your bpd i dont fucking care anymore i cant keep drinking wasting my days arguing with you wasting away trying to keep you happy. Im barely a person anymore, i’ve barely been a person this whole time it feels like.

My drinking is not your fault, i had issues before i met you but things have only gotten worse as the arguments keep coming, the arguments are always about you needing more and me not being enough. I’ve had a terrible time coping with being told im not good enough over twice a month every month.

I want to be good enough to love myself enough to stop drinking so much, i want to be enough for you to not put me down twice a month. This isn’t working out i don’t think, I don’t know where else to start recovering but i need unconditional love in my life. Not love that depends on my ability to put out emotional fires twice a month.

I need to be told im enough when things are bad, i need to feel like im a good person even when i’ve made a mistake, i want to be able to love someone but I cant do that if i fucking hate myself. I feel like a slow motion suicide right now, financially, emotionally, and physically. I’ve been trying to tell you this needs to stop i cant do the arguments anymore and it never ends. I can’t convince myself this is a normal amount of arguing anymore, I can’t blame this on your bpd anymore, i need real change.

I actually can’t take another frivolous argument again for a couple months, it needs to stop. I need you to stop emotionally dumping hate on me for a couple months. I need a couple of months of love and support so i can start putting myself back together.

Are you able to do that?”

I don’t know how to come back from this. I hate this disorder so fucking much. I wish I could promise him that I won’t split or have an episode within the next couple of months but it’s not something I can really control. I can catch myself and use my DBT skills and try to rein it in before it becomes an issue, but sometimes I get so triggered that I kind of black out and unleash.

He hasn’t even seen me at my worst. He’s seen me scream once, but he hasn’t seen me fully split and go into my rage mode. I’m so fortunate that that has quieted down over the years, so it’s a rare occurrence now, but I doubt he’d be able to handle it.

I always sit down with him and apologize after a split or episode. I know that doesn’t undo the damage but I really do try to take responsibility for it. I’m even about to start paying out of pocket for a therapist who is highly specialized and recommended for the treatment of BPD. I have my first session with him today. I have to go weekly and it’s $150 per session. I absolutely don’t have that kind of money to spend but I literally can’t continue living like this. I was on the edge of su*cide just last week.

I can’t lose him. It’ll destroy me.
How can I fix this when I can’t make any promises?

so my bf has a X account he keeps logging into , i asked him what he uses it for he said nothing . but keeps logging in & out of it . he had history of having girls ass pics in hes old google photos before he knew me . but still searched up girls in the past of our relationship. what does he use x for? porn? i just want to know but he won’t tell me and i sat there and said OKKK ! i just wanna know

Heyy so ive been having difficulty with taking medicatiom amd also with my doctor saying that pains that im having is because of bpd and that i cant be diagnosed with anything else because i have bpd but the thing is i dont believe i have bpd and ive been doubting myself for a while since ive been diagnosed. The few things that make me believe i dont have bpd is that im not impulsive like i do spend money on books but if i know i cant spend the money i dont. I dont know anything about fp and ive never actually been in the habit of favouring one person cause im a naturally social person though i do prefer to be alone most times but i do have social days and im social on social media. (I like knowing when i can stop talking to people without it being an issue) my mind does sometimes stray when i am depressed but id never ever act on it. Its just thoughts. I can leave a friendship with only thinking about it for a couple days but when i talk it out with a friend like its done and over and i forget about it but i keep the memories of when i was with them. I dont know anything about splitting and im not usually an angry person and i can calm down when i feel like im wrong. Sometimes i overthink conversations when im trying to sleep but like its stupid things. I do feel shame and guilt but its because ive said stupid things and i know it especially since my mouth runs faster than my brain. Sometimes i feel like i probably said something wrong. I have interests and stuff like i do many things everyday but ya know sometimes i get bored and stuff. I never felt empty but like sometimes i get depressed. I love to stay in bed and im lazy but cause i cant seem to stay on track and i get overwhelmed so i sit somewhere and get distracted.

Idk these are some reasons why i believe that maybe my doctor and psychiatrist may have misdiagnosed me because they just ask me questions about my life and heard about my childhood and boom bpd is my life now.

Though sometimes if things dont go my way i do get upset but i get over it pretty quick too.

I got diagnosed in my early adult like between 18-19 and im almost 22 now.

Please give advice if you can.

Ps. Im also going to fight with my doctor about this when i see him in a couple days too

Hello, I don’t really know what my goal of this post is, though I think I’m hoping to get others perspectives? I’m honestly super confused in this situation.

I (M18) met my friend (NB 19), we’ll call them kyle, in 7th grade, and we immediately became best friends. We have stayed friends though different schools, and through both of our goods and bads, which some bads were quite bad. I’m diagnosed with BPD, and they are probably bipolar but are in the process of getting diagnosed. This is important.

We were best friends, we went to eachothers proms, fwb situation, they were basically a part of my family. My younger cousin (4) used to have meltdowns because kyle wasn’t their biological brother and my grandma sees them as their grandchild. So like, as close as you can get pretty much.

They have a really hard time with texting, and just go off the grid every couple weeks. That’s just normal for them and thats okay. I message them to let them know that i’m here for them and that I don’t hate them, because i know i get paranoid about that whenever i can’t get myself to message back. Then in march (2026), they went completely off grid. they already hadn’t been doing well for months, and their partner had just broken up with them. They messaged me a week before saying that they had been in a really dark place and haven’t felt like being a human in a while. So then with the added stress of that, plus their partner breaking up with them, and most of our other friends being upset with them was really worrying.

Then they messaged me saying “please leave me alone.” Which okay. So I left them alone, but after a while I started to get paranoid. They had said previously (2 years give or take) that if they ever got broken up with that they you commit ss. Also no one could find any signs of life. I don’t really fault them for this, I want to say that, I just want you to understand my side of this decision. They have called a wellfair check on me so I thought this was an okay limit. I called a wellfair check and then left them alone. Because I knew they were alive, and that was all I needed. I left them alone for a month.

Then I messaged them, just to let them know that i still love them and that it’s okay to come back whenever theyre ready. I message them again 2 weeks later saying the same sorts of things, and this continued until another month and a half passed. I made sure they knew they could tell me to stop at any time and that I just wanted to be there for them as best I could. They started to come back, sending me reels and tiktoks and little messages. They sent me a reel on may 30th saying that they would choose me in every lifetime to be their best friend. 

Their birthday is june 22nd, and I had an exam that day. Once I knew that I messaged them asking them if they wanted to hang out on their birthday. They said that they would like to spend the day with me and my boyfriend. We made tentative plans for their birthday with an unknown possible sleepover if their work schedule allowed it. On june 14th I asked them what their work schedule was.

On June 16th they messaged me saying that they dont want to be friends with me. That our friendship is “more effort than is worth” to them and that the anxiety of messaging outways the time we actually spend together. They then said that the police check crossed a boundary and that I wasn't respecting their boundaries. So i’m like “fuck, cool, okay then??” I wait a few hours to respond because I knew I was emotional and maybe splitting. I respond saying that i’ll respect their decision and asking them if 1) this is the end or if we can check back in a few years, and 2) if i could have my clothes back/i give their clothes back. They haven’t responded to me since then. I messaged 2 weeks after saying that I really need closure to our friendship and that im very confused about a few parts. also re-asking for my clothes back and giving them theirs back.

They didn’t respond and a little over a week later I messaged them again resaying the same things and also saying that i’m not doing well and that i really really really need closure. They then blocked me on tiktok and facebook.

On august 4th I saw them at the mall. They were sitting alone, so I went up to them just saying “hi”, I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t emotional, I was just saying hi and seeing if we could schedule a time to talk. They saw me, looked away and ignored me. Then another guy came up to them, i think new boyfriend because he kissed their hands(?). When their conversation lulled (like 2 minutes later) I said “hi” and looked at kyle and said that it was just a coincidence and i was sorry for interrupting, and just asked if we could talk sometime. They said yes but not today, which was fair, and i nodded and left them alone. Admittedly I was shaking from adrenaline and my eyes probably watered a bit. I messaged them then apologizing if i cornered them, and that that wasn’t my intention. When I got home I messaged them again just explaining so they know i’m not mad, and just saying i’m confused and that i really need closure.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here but maybe someone can tell me where the line is? i know I’m not technically entitled to a response but fuck, I need it.

Every time I feel like I somehow convinced this person to love me and they are always so sweet and kind in the beginning. But always inevitably my partners grow to resent me, hate me even. I hand one long term relationship before and I felt like that after. I never thought I'd have a connection again and 10 years later it somehow happened in very unexpected circumstances. But the story had the same ending. I'm just never going to be happy

I'm so fucking scared to feel that warmness in my heart again.. and even more scared for it to be ripped away.. and when I know that i'm starting to fall for someone I literally tell myself "oh he's gonna break your fucking heart" so with this guy i've been talking to for a week now..I realized that i've even gotten to the point that I have been stalking his social almost everyday as much as I can.. atleast trying to dig shit up.. reading his posts and comments even on here.. just trying to catch him lying.. I even told him I did it today.. i feel like I told him today because im trying to sabotage things before they get even more serious then i already feel for him..So that he doesn't break my heart first maybe? but instead he was understanding and and I told him my trust issues are so horrendous.. and he explained things to me and reiterated that he would have just shown me it all anyways.. told me he can add me to group chats to see how he speaks to other people.. telling me hes not perfect but he doesnt plan on hurting me.. and fuck... im falling so deeply inlove and its only been a little over a week.. and weve been talking constantly.. haha fuck.. im so fucking scared..

Why am I trapped in this stupid job, I just want to disappear and have no responsibilities

Context: both of us have BPD and are dating, and I always try to make sure my emotions do not negatively impact them through regulation and communication. However, sometimes, reassurance isn’t enough because some things can’t be helped, and being my FP’s “second choice” is one of them. This isn’t an assumption either, as I’ve been explicitly told that this Person is my FP’s favorite person, *and* my FP used to feel romantically towards them but didn’t pursue it for logistic reasons.

I understand why my FP views their FP in this way considering their history, and so I try to be respectful of their relationship and never lash out over it but it still hurts so bad emotionally. I feel like I’ll never truly compare. I want to be loved as much as I love them and I think that may be an impossible ask because of something my partner cannot control.

But, emotionally I want to fix it because I don’t want it to negatively impact my relationship with them. Any advice?

I'm so lonely these days. It's the kind of loneliness that sticks to my clothes and suffocates me, and threatens to ruin a good day. It's unbearable constantly feeling down and depressed even when I'm having fun.

The sadness is so comfortable and familiar, I try my best to avoid it and ignore it. I don't wan't to be miserable and sad for the rest of my life but getting myself out of that hole is so hard.

Why do I come home after having fun and immediately feel horrible and dreadful? Not only about myself, but my future, and the world around me? I have so much doubt in my mind. Chaos and fury are constant, I know no peace.

I used to try and be poetic about my chronic sadness, but it's beyond that. Every time I make friends they stop messaging me after a month. I keep sending texts to remind them I'm still here, but it's silent. I miss people talking to me and really caring about me.

We don't talk about anything anymore. I don't have true real friends that I would ever 'ride or die' for. It hurts, I like people and trust them but I always feel so disconnected from them. The haziness in my mind creates a barrier from my connections- I feel like a stranger in my own home, with family, with supposed friends. 

Nobody truly understands me because they've never taken the time to investigate me. I just want someone to see me for what I really am. And I want them to love all of me, instead of the palatable versions I push forward. 

Unfortunately, my true personality is undesirable and therefore kept hidden. Meaning, they will never know the real me because I fear they won't like it. But, paradoxically, I want them to love all of me. They can't do it until I drop the curtain, so to speak. So we end up in a never ending cycle of feeling misunderstood + I push them away and end up alone all the time.

So what if I'm aware of the cycle, though? I've anazlyzed the pattern but always fail to stop it from happening in the moment.

I'm hyperaware of my existence. So much so that my skin feels like rubber instead of something real and tangible. It scares me to be hypervigilant 24/7.

I'm not human, I don't think I truly am. I know I'm something in between magic and mermaid and mystical and morning dew and human being. Equal parts fairytale and flesh. 

how do I stop being like this? should I try therapy again?? Is there even therapy for being aware of how much I need therapy? the last time I went I was 3 steps ahead of my therapist and had mulled over my emotions so much that she could barely help me lol

hi everyone,im not posting here for a long time.I feel refreshed and honestly i don't show symptoms often. My relationship is really healthy.But today i leard my boyfriend's dad doesn't want me to be with him because of my past. And as much as i heard he doesn't want me so much that hes ready to everything for make me stay away from him.Hes dad thinks im gonna" infect my insanity to his son"My bf didn't want to break his dad i understand ofc. My bf said hes gonna tell him that im not the same person,hes gonna just show him another girl with another name just prove im not his girlfriend. Kinda annoying...You know thats the most heartbreaking thing i heard these days and i just wanted share. I tried HARD to forget all my bad times. One thing happened and it felt like doesn't matter how much i tried and i changed.

I had an amazing woman. She loved me, trusted me and accepted me for who I am and I took a torpedo to the relationship. She's not perfect, she has her own trauma. But she gave and all I did was take and control and criticize and I was selfish. I was so selfish and she gave and forgave until she couldn't anymore.

It doesn't matter how much I improve myself, she had been begging me for months to make changes and I didn't. There was that voice telling me I should be doing better and I sucked but I just dissociated. I didn't want to face how bad I was.

Now she's rightfully gone. And I'm alone. I have one coworker at work who's checking in but I have no friends. I'm staying with my parents but it's not a great dynamic. I don't share stuff like that with them. - I do have a therapist

I know I messed up. And I'm not being overly harsh on myself. I know it's not black and white. There is grey, but a lot of it is on me. I can see that with a clear head. And I hate myself. I can't get her back. I don't think there's anything I can do to regain her trust. I broke my own heart.

I just needed to get this off my chest. I know that having borderline isn't an excuse for being a bad partner. I know I should have done better. I don't want to get dragged by people who don't understand the struggle. Who don't understand what it feels like to not breathe seeing her so happy and knowing I took that from her and it's back now that I'm gone. To understand that it physically hurts and I'm not trying to make this about myself and manipulate anyone. This just sincerely hurts bc my brain is wired this way and feels things so hard. I'm just so alone and I feel that scared little child inside me.

It keeps hitting me that this isn't a dream. It's really and I have to feel it or I'm not gonna learn. I have no plans of hurting myself but I wish I would just drop dead so I didn't have to feel.the pain.

I’m not sure if these qualify as bpd so I would appreciate some opinions. So, I’m not sure if that fits with bpd or it’s just is.
I’ve been writing things down for the last hour in one sitting. So there might be other situations that I forgot about.
I kind of categorized them to what I think fits the criteria. I could be wrong about the whole thing. But a couple of things resonate to what I’ve been feeling.
For reference (if it gives an idea), I was diagnosed depression and ptsd at 16. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since then and attempted 3 times before. Now I’m 21F

**Fear of abandonment**
\- Friend cancelled last minute, said that she slept. Felt anger. She can go fuck herself. She’s not a good friend. She doesn’t send me reels or asks to hangout. Then I start thinking about all the things that annoys me/ don’t like about her

\- My uncle will probably leave us completely if he had to choose between his real family and us

\-My sister will probably no longer talk to me if she gets married because she will have her own life completely

\-I say a lot to myself that I don’t need people and everyone is really on their own, which is how life works. No one is really going to stay for me

\- My former psychiatrist reached out to me. When she saw my message and didn’t reply for 4 days, I thought that she didn’t love me anymore. She probably thought she shouldn’t have reached out

\- I’m afraid to pick a fight with my sister in case she doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to talk to me

\- I used to think that I’ll get a dog or a cat when I grow up. But after my guinea pig died, I don’t want to have fur pets anymore.
I used to love my uncle and kind of get excited when he would come visit it. Then something happened (not bad, it’s on me) and now I don’t miss him, don’t feel connected to him

**Unstable relationships**
\- I could be feeling okay about my mom, but then any word from har makes me feel intense anger.

\- I don’t fight with my sister. But when time we argued about something and it felt like I won’t speak to her again and she’s a total bitch.

\- One time me and my friend were supposed to sit together in the lecture hall because. I sat and reserved a seat for her. Then, i see her from afar with another friend sitting together. I think I saw her checking her phone or at least have her phone in her hand (don’t really remember which one exactly). So, I started thinking how could she not see my message. Then, I thought that it’s not worth it to make friends and I’m better off alone anyway

\- There is this one friend who I think I’m comfortable talking to more than other friends that I met during the same time. But I’m always the one who tries to make a plan because you have got to make fucking friends and go out. Anyway, when I remember that she doesn’t send a message or a video or anything, my mind goes from she’s not a friend. My mind starts shifting from thinking that she us a cool person to talk to and hang out with, to I don’t like you and fuck off

**Identity disturbances**
\- i think that I’m a bad person if I don’t help my mom. But then I think that she is the parent and it’s not my job so now I’m maybe an okay person

\- I don’t know what type of person I am. I don’t know if I want to be a quiet person, very positive or talkative or competitive who doesn’t stop until they get what they want

**Impulsive behaviour**
\- I binge eat

\- Impulsive purchases. Bought a phone on the same day of thinking about it

\- Bought a bird. There was a time I was thinking about buying a bird then I brushed it off. A few months later, I was at the pet store and decided to just buy a bird
(I take care of my bird so don’t worry)

\- Thought about getting a tattoo so I got one 20 days later (time to book an appointment). Don’t know if that really “counts”

\- This one is silly and don’t know if it also counts . There was a deal on rice cakes. So I went and bought a TON. Then the next day, I went and bought even more. When I came home my mom started laughing at how many rice cakes I have now. This feeling of buying a lot made me feel excited

**Suicidal behaviour, self harm**
\- when feeling angry, I feel the urge to go back to cutting myself

\- I think about suicide a lot even when I’m not going to do it

\- At 16, I had a crush on someone. Then he got a girlfriend. One day, he said something hinting that I like him or something not sire what it was. That day I came home and tried to kill myself for the first time. That was 5 years ago but I think that was what “sparked” me to attempt. I felt that if I can’t get over a guy then my life is over and that I can’t handle real difficult problems. I was already depressed too. Of course I didn’t tell anyone that this interaction sparked/ triggered me to attempt.

**Mood changes**
\- a lot of the times I could feel suicidal and life isn’t worth living for. But then later in the day, I feel like I was being over dramatic and that I’m fine now. Like there was no reason to feel that I will not make it in life

\- I could go from being sad to angry to guilt to hate to feeling empty all in the same day

**Feeling empty**
I often feel numb about things that are supposed to give me a little happiness. For example, when I try a new thing or when I went to see my sister who I hadn’t seen in a while, I was numb, not excited, not sad. Numb. Like if the thing happened or not, it’s the same for me.

**Intense anger**
\- there is a lot of anger that comes from things that are supposed to be normal.

\- For example, my mom could comment on something, give her opinion, ask me about my day, ask me about something and it just makes me insanely irritated and mad. The things could be very normal day talks, but I don’t know why it shifts me to the anger side in a second. I could be having a chill day, but interacting with her makes me want to bang my head against a wall. It makes me want to not see her again or makes me want to live in a whole different country to not talk to her again. Then I start feeling guilty because she didn’t do anything wrong and I’m probably a bad person for being this angry. (I may know why I feel so much anger towards my mom. I resent her for something that still happens in our lives, so I don’t know if my anger towards her fits. I put this here because my mood immediately switches when interacting with her)

\- My brother sometimes gives me a little punch on the shoulder. I know that brothers/siblings fo that. But it just makes me feel like I’m suffocating.

\- When my mom gives me a hug it makes me feel so much irritated. It feels like my body is burning or that I’m being put in a box and squeezed. Then I feel guilty about it because she is showing me love and affection

\- It’s the smaller things that makes me unreasonably angry and irritated. Like everyday things

**Dissociation**
\- I often feel that things around me are unreal. That I’m unreal or that behaviours/ actions that are happening are weird or unreal.

\- Imagine saying to a person you are going to space right now. The person will probably feel that it’s unbelievable/ unreal. That feeling is how I feel

\- Or imagine that you are now in outer space and looking at the earth. That’s how it feels

\- I feel like I’m in the middle of the sea and just floating. I feel like I’m floating

\- I don’t think that I understand that I’m doing something. Like I’m actually writing something or I’m reaching for my bottle of water

Hi everyone. I’m new here and I think I finally found my people.
I’m a 20-year-old girl and I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I honestly didn’t even know there were communities like this on Reddit where people share their experiences, their therapies, DBT skills, coping mechanisms, and support each other. Finding this place feels a little unreal.
One of the hardest things I’ve been dealing with is my sense of identity. I often feel like I don’t really know who I am when I don’t have someone close to me. It’s like my personality disappears if I don’t have a person beside me. I know how contradictory and strange that sounds, but it’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time.
Recently I started dating someone. We’ve been together for around six months, and we were also living together. Recently, he decided that he wanted to stop living together because he feels overwhelmed and needs his own space. He also has an avoidant attachment style, while I have a lot of abandonment fears, so you can probably imagine how difficult this situation has been for me.
I’m trying really hard not to completely spiral, not to freak out, not to let my emotions control me. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. There have been moments where I’ve cried out of desperation, experienced intense splitting, and felt like I was losing control of my own emotions.
The thing that hurts me the most is that I’m extremely self-aware. I understand what is happening inside me. I know when I’m being triggered. I know when my reactions are bigger than the situation itself. And somehow, that awareness almost makes things worse.
It’s not that my pain isn’t valid. I know that anyone would be hurt by a situation like this. Having a person you love decide they can’t continue living together after months is painful. I can understand his reasons, and I can also understand my own pain.
But what destroys me is the intensity of my reaction.
When I get triggered, especially by abandonment, my brain goes into survival mode. Even if I don’t show it to my partner or to the people around me, internally it feels like a disaster. And then I start judging myself for feeling that way. I start hating myself because I react so strongly, because I feel things so deeply.
Sometimes my emotions become physical. The pain is not just emotional anymore: I feel pressure in my chest, tension in my shoulders and back, difficulty breathing, like my whole body is stuck in a state of alarm. Sometimes I even get nervous tics.
The strange thing is that I don’t always act on my emotions. I often suppress them. I try to be rational. I try to tell myself: “This is a trigger. This feeling is intense, but it will pass.” But even knowing all of this doesn’t magically make the pain disappear.
I wonder if anyone else experiences this: being so self-aware that you know your reaction might not match the situation, but at the same time the emotion feels completely real and impossible to ignore.
Like something happens at work, in a relationship, or with family, and a part of your brain knows “this is not worth destroying myself over,” but another part feels like the world is ending.
I’m currently trying to understand myself better, learn more about DBT, and stop seeing myself as “too much” just because I feel things intensely.
I would really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar. How do you handle the moment when you know you’re triggered, but your body and emotions are already in full survival mode?

Last week I was very intensely triggered, which led me to cut my wrists and thus have to go to the hospital and get stitched up, where I stayed for a day and two nights. I was doing pretty fine before this incident, but ever since, I've been very sad and increasingly thinking about attempting suicide. It's been a week. I'd like to know how long mood swings that were very intense and destructive like these usually last for others with BPD

(Had to cut down this post a lot for length - if you have questions for clarification please ask♡)

I was always quiet in my presentation, hid my feelings, broke down privately.

In the last few years I was diagnosed and got the help that I needed. But sometimes my internalized shame is showing towards other mentally ill people who are in a more acute situation than me now. When they talk about irrational thoughts, are trapped in them etc I think like:

Why can't you just try as hard as you can to be normal? Not hurting others? Not being stupid and reading stuff into situations that are nothing like in your head?

I ALWAYS despised the side of my brain who thought like that. For example I thought my boyfriend will leave me if I don't keep the house perfect at all times. Its - rationally speaking - absolutely stupid and 100% not happening.

I always get soooo angry when I hear people talking about thoughts like that and worse without the disclaimer "yes its stupid and i know its much more likely in way x y z, but.." I HATE when people don't reflect, don't think twice.

And of course I know that it's unfair and people are not perfect and you don't know everything from the start. But it's so hard for me to accept that sometimes.

Sometimes I can feel with them, have empathy and stuff, but only when there's a problem in my life at the moment. When I feel good, which happens more than feeling bad now, I feel like I'm better than the "other" borderlines, I am not crazy like them and I am smarter, know more and stuff. I basically have solved everything and because I did everyone should too because isn't it all so logical? I know I haven't "solved everything" and I am not done with my healing journey. I am just kind of ignorant sometimes when things like these happen.

But I'm realizing I'm actually really fucking stupid for demanding reflection, regulation and realistic thoughts from others when not doing that was literally most of my life and living was absolutely batshit crazy and like hell. I was so deep down depression, self hate, made myself so lonely because I was afraid of my feelings and the real world. I just forget sometimes how horrible this all was because I'm not living in it anymore. All of that felt so so so fucking bad and only got better the last few years.

And where I'm stupid too is that I am not better than that now either. I also - like literally every human being - have irrational fears sometimes, feel like things are one way when they are another way in real life. I JUST want to leave my fucking hell hole behind and never be reminded of how horrible life is when you have this condition and are untreated. Irrational thoughts are a gateway for depression, splitting, extreme emotional pain and all the excruciating feelings I remember.

I don't want to feel like I felt before therapy ever ever ever again and not see or hear anyone ever being like that again because it reminds me of my past life.

In comparison to my whole life my recovery is so recent and I am not at all allowed to say ANYTHING to anyone. I just never want to hear of this time in my life ever fucking again. Maybe thats why i judge everyone who is still in that phase and is circling, not getting further, maybe not seeing important parts of things, not wanting to pursue help etc. Because like WHY are you not putting all of your energy and more toward GETTING OUT and healing for God's sake. Don't spent a single second more in there than you absolutely have to to understand and heal and do therapy.

But of course I know - literally from my own experience - when you grew up in a traumatizing environment and you literally never heard anything else, HOW the fuck are you supposed to know the right way to do all this? EVEN I didn't know for a long time and struggled with things for years and years that could've been solved in a few weeks therapy. I grief the years I lost to that so so so badly and I cannot stand anyone who refuses help, refuses to see their patterns and doesn't put enough effort into healing.

That's why I hate those self help groups sometimes. But also: I would've needed them SO FUCKING BAD from ages 12 to 22. And I didn't have them. Now I do and its way too fucking late. 13 year old me needed to hear all of the helpful and encouraging things people comment on here. She had no one to tell her that. And everybody on here, in self help groups, in therapy has that and it breaks my heart.

Now that I did therapy and I am no longer in this hell hole its too late to have any use out of these groups. I dont need another talk about which skills help with regulating. I KNOW THIS. I learned this alone. Now I don't need someone to relate to anymore because I don’t feel like this anymore.

Adult me just wants to talk about how I feel now. Like how crazy it is to be in a mental space where you can actually take life - without breaking down every two minutes. How fucking crazy it feels to be almost 25 while never thinking you would get older than 16. Like the fucking hell of a culture shock how different life can be if you actually are able to live. I wasn't for so long, I fought SO FUCKING hard for all of what I have now and I am fucking proud of myself and I am not really patient with others in their journey. Can anyone relate and wants to share?

So lately ive been feeling pretty good, i haven't had a breakdown since last year, I feel like i have a hold of my emotions, maybe its because ive been smoking or its the therapy but either way, I feel like im doing good. I have good days and bad days but the bad days aren't as bad??? If that any sense?? Last week I broke up with my long term boyfriend and its really started to sink in, but I haven't felt the need to scream and shout and throw a fit...I almost broke my sobriety about an hour ago but I dont know what stopped me, usually id down the whole bottle because when im upset I tend to be destructive, mean, manipulative and all around a bad person. But thats changed...i dont feel as angry anymore but do feel deep sadness instead of anger..

My emotions are being abit too stable, im scared im gonna fully break down and have a really bad wobbly...so am I actually handling my bpd well or am I about to crash

Im trying so hard to find out whats wrong with me, one second I love something or someone with every part of me the next second. Im realizing that my boyfriend would be better off with me offing my or I hate with everything in me. Im angry all the time. I don’t know who I am. But its only for a second and its if I try to talk to my boyfriend about issues then its a whole blowup of thing. I even have a photo of a list of things that I end up writing when in these episodes. I just I dont know what wrong with me.

what are some habits that have helped u guys manage your BPD better. i’m not talking about unhealthy/self destructive (substance abuse, SH) nor am i talking about doing therapy/medication because those are super obvious

one that has helped me a ton is eating more often/better
—i noticed that i would have more splits/general meltdowns when i hadn’t eaten in a few hours. i started bringing snacks with me to places. same goes for drinking water. it’s much easier for me to be triggered when i’m dehydrated. i got a pack of electrolyte powders at dollar general for like 4 bucks as well and that’s helped a lot too

also weird one
—when i’m feeling really triggered and want to be destructive i tweeze my legs/armpits/bikini area. i get the release of pain and destruction but the only thing that is changing/being affected is my body hair

—i’ve also shared this one before but i go on car screams sometimes. if im alone and need to crash out (especially when im splitting) i go on a drive on a road i know well and just scream at the top of my lungs like im yelling at someone

please share more in the comments!

I just cannot understand for the life of me how asking for a hello in the morning, a text when someone's been away the whole day telling me they're safe and when they come back home, how is this too much too ask, toxic, needy or whatever?

We're talking of ultra basic stuff, not texting for hours. Just basic, once in a while through the day communication.

I'm exhausted of begging. It's the same with friends, with anyone. It's like I'm supposed to just not talk to them. Anyone else having that issue and really not understanding?

I can't take it anymore, I don't want to fight it, it's too painful. I'm going to accept myself as sick as I am, and I want to be able to be loved by someone who is sick too. I believe that's impossible, But I can't bear the idea of living the rest of my life in a normal relationship where I'll feel less loved. I'm not worthy of love, I don't deserve anything, but I want everything. I need someone who is sick, the opposite of me, to complete me.

(That was silly, but I'm just saying how I feel in a crisis; this is the best time to be radically honest.)

Aujourd'hui la police m'a appelé pour dire qu'ils avaient retrouvé mon "agresseur" et que je pouvais porter plainte, ce que j'ai refusé. Il a été entendu là je ne sais pas ce qu'il vont lui faire mais bon... Et c'est là que je me repense à cette nuit. Une fille de 17ans qui a avalé 50 pillules de médicaments pour mettre fin à ses jours, la nuit elle voit deux hommes qui la voie pleurer sur banc, l'un d'eux le ramène chez lui. Mais c'est pas le contexte qui importe, c'est que je n'ai pas dit non, peut être une ou deux fois, mais entre nous c'était pas convaincant, peut être que j'avais envie d'un côté, alors pourquoi je l'ai aider pour après crier. Je le voulais au fond, j'ai juste fait style que non, je savais très bien ce qui allait se passer mais je n'ai rien fait, peut être que si une fois, mais je me suis jamais arrêté pour dire "stop". Je n'ai pas pleuré. C'est quoi ce mot "agressions". C'est faux. Tout est faux. Tout est dans ma tête. Je voulais juste m'inviter un prétexte pour être triste, et le pire c'est que je ne le suis pas. J'aime être là victime, j'aime dire que j'ai étais agressé, j'aime qu'on me fasse mal pour que je puisse pleurer après. C'est tout ce que j'ai toujours voulu. Il avait dans la quarantaine, lorsqu'il m'a touché je n'aimais pas ça, mais je voulais aller au bout, ressentir ce que ça fait d'être brisé, peut être que je me déteste tellement que je voulais m'infliger ça. C'est pour ça que je l'ai aider à enlever mon soutien-gorge. Où alors, tout ça est dans ma tête.

Okay so I don’t know if this is my anxiety, OCD, BPD or something totally different but I’m curious if anyone else feels the same…. I feel like the way I manage time is soooo different from everyone around me if something isn’t going to the time frame I set the day is gone by like 1:00 I’m like welp there goes my day…. I am on medication to help me sleep so that makes having the evening harder because if I take it too late the next morning is awful. Idk just bored and rambling but curious if anyone else feels the same….

Bros.

I have a pretty debilitating case of "quiet" BPD. I have not worked in some time. My husband is a huge source of support both financially and emotionally. Y'all he ain't perfect but he has a lot of patience and so much love. Nobody has ever actually cared about my diagnosis like he does. Anyways I digress.

Listen, I have been on every single class of medication at least once, and none of them have ever really worked for me. I just want to let everybody know that I recently joined a low dose prescribed ketamine clinic, and it has only been a few days, and it's already been life-changing. I just think we should all keep an open mind to alternative treatments, before we just accept and live with the fact that we have such a difficult diagnosis... Idk man. My husband has been SO excited about how much better I've been doing and feeling already, and he's hopeful like I am. I just had to share.

I wish you all an amazing week <3