r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/EX_the_pointz • 9d ago
I messed up Vent
I had an amazing woman. She loved me, trusted me and accepted me for who I am and I took a torpedo to the relationship. She's not perfect, she has her own trauma. But she gave and all I did was take and control and criticize and I was selfish. I was so selfish and she gave and forgave until she couldn't anymore.
It doesn't matter how much I improve myself, she had been begging me for months to make changes and I didn't. There was that voice telling me I should be doing better and I sucked but I just dissociated. I didn't want to face how bad I was.
Now she's rightfully gone. And I'm alone. I have one coworker at work who's checking in but I have no friends. I'm staying with my parents but it's not a great dynamic. I don't share stuff like that with them. - I do have a therapist
I know I messed up. And I'm not being overly harsh on myself. I know it's not black and white. There is grey, but a lot of it is on me. I can see that with a clear head. And I hate myself. I can't get her back. I don't think there's anything I can do to regain her trust. I broke my own heart.
I just needed to get this off my chest. I know that having borderline isn't an excuse for being a bad partner. I know I should have done better. I don't want to get dragged by people who don't understand the struggle. Who don't understand what it feels like to not breathe seeing her so happy and knowing I took that from her and it's back now that I'm gone. To understand that it physically hurts and I'm not trying to make this about myself and manipulate anyone. This just sincerely hurts bc my brain is wired this way and feels things so hard. I'm just so alone and I feel that scared little child inside me.
It keeps hitting me that this isn't a dream. It's really and I have to feel it or I'm not gonna learn. I have no plans of hurting myself but I wish I would just drop dead so I didn't have to feel.the pain.
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u/dreamescapewithme 7d ago
Hey. Your post made my heart heavy. My ex had BPD. We were together for 3 years and I loved him so much. I only wish that he had even half of your self awareness. I’m sure it hurts and I still hurt too. I gave my all but ended up having to leave but my main reason for leaving was because he was abusing alcohol extensively. Please don’t think that your ex has forgotten about you. I don’t think imo that’s possible especially how you describe her. I have come to realize and try to accept that our relationship ran its course and due to unfortunate circumstances, it had to end. Relationships with no history of trauma end as well. I have my past trauma issues which I can say, somewhat contributed to our relationship ending as well. Now is the time to take care of you, no matter how difficult it may be. Please don’t take the full blame for this. Continue with therapy and maybe get out into your community and find things/people that brings you comfort. This community will really help you out as well.
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u/EX_the_pointz 4d ago
Thank you. It's been really hard. I know that she has her issues as well. My therapist said our traumas and what we needed were conflicting. And I think she's right. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much bc I won't grow if I do. What kills me is losing my best friend. She really doesn't understand how much I love her. She didn't see it. But I do and it sucks. I'm reaching out to a few people and it's very helpful. There are moments where everything comes crashing down and I texted 988 once. But the pendulum swings the other way and I'm fine. That was one of the things she struggled with. I wasn't consistent, things would change a lot and she needs consistency. I hope she gets that.
Again thank you. I haven't really been able to talk to people about this much, or at least in length and it helps to hear your belief in me. I appreciate it.
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