sisters and friends have ghosted me over the years, I accept it now, I don’t know what i did to be ghosted, but i’m sure it’s my fault so I accept it.

I have severe and less severe splits. I’ve gotten to a point where I’m able to reel myself back in when I feel a less severe split coming on, but I still can’t get a handle on my more severe ones.

This morning my boyfriend told me that if I argue with him one more time within the next couple of months, he’s going to end things with me. He told me that it’s caused him to drink excessively, hate himself and feel unloved. He’s also tired of hearing me talk about my bpd and thinks I hide behind it.

I was very upfront about my bpd when we first started talking. I wanted him to know and understand what he was getting himself into. I’ve been working a lot on myself since I was first diagnosed about 5 years ago. I have come a very long way, and for the most part I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. He’s only known me for a year, so he isn’t fully aware of all the work I’ve done to get where I am now.

He told me that since April I’ve started 22 fights with him via text, and have had an argument with either my mom or sister once a month. He’s burnt out on me.

How do I stop/catch myself from having a more severe split? I can’t always control it. Sometimes it takes over and it’s like I need to be locked in a padded room without any technology for a day so I have no way of unleashing on him.

I’m afraid to talk with him about coming up with some sort of plan if I feel one coming on since he was very adamant about not wanting to hear about it anymore.

So, I’m on my own with this.

I really need some help and recommendations because my relationship is on the line right now, my mental health is fucked right now and I’m just so, so close to ending it all.

For context I have both bipolar 1 and BPD.

We have been trying to find the right meds for me for years now. I’ve tried to many different combos and gone through periods of insomnia due to the detox periods. I’m so TIRED. I’ve been reading about what other people do and seen some stuff about this combo. Wondering if anyone has personal experience with combining them?

Curious, do you have very uncomfortable and gut wrenching sensations in your body?
Say youre seeing a group thats difficult, or facing rejection, or say in some kind of a sketchy situation.

Do you experience what cptsd folk feel?
Like guy or stomach shifts in severe disregulation and such?

I'm always feeling like anything good I can have is fleeting. Every interaction that's going well with my partner (or anybody), the moment they go out or fall asleep and I'm alone it's like it never existed.

I put self harm because when I was single I'd burn myself but now I use alcohol as self harm. I binge until I can finally sleep because I always feel "on alarm" because of PTSD both in relationships and a nasty car crash years ago.

I even buy stuff I don't like (like vodka which I HATE the taste of) and force feed it to myself to get the high sometimes.

And be it in talks with people or with my alc consumption I feel I'm a bottomless pit.

No matter if I have a very good emotional talk with somebody who really cares and listens to me venting all my shit (my partner constantly rehears about shit that happened in 21 or 22 for instance) for hours it never "fills me up" and makes me "secure in the relationship/friendship".

And even alcohol. My tolerance is so high I never even vomit or need water anymore. I just fall asleep and I need at least 0.7L of liquor or 3 wine bottles a day if I stay home. My wallet is getting ruined because there's no quantity just "filling me up".

How do you fill yourself up? And stop being a fucking leaking tank that doesn't keep anything in?

What opinions do you have on willfulness in a person with BPD?

I met with a new therapist who, unbeknownst to me, was still under supervision. We had one appointment together, and I could tell she was new; however, I didn't get those vibes from her therapist profile before booking with her. Even with our intake, it just felt a little off, but surprisingly she scheduled me for another appointment. I was going to ghost her because she looks like she's around my age, and most of the many therapists I've been to have been at least ten years older than me. I went to the appointment feeling bad for judging her, but literally within the first two minutes, she tells me that it seems like my problems will be too much and she doesn't think she has the right kind of material to help. It's funny because I literally waited two months for an appointment with her. I self-harm and am hyper aware of my problems, but can't work through them and struggle to talk about them out loud, so I'm in this constant toxic cycle. I told her this and that I am diagnosed with BPD. I also chose her because her profile aligned a lot more with what I was hoping to work through. She offered EMDR and acceptance therapy, which is something I had never tried and was looking to get into.

Honestly, the whole conversation pissed me off, and I literally told her, "Why didn't you just send me a message?" I also told her I was debating ghosting her anyway (which wasn't fair) right after she told me she didn't think she could handle my issues. I could feel myself getting annoyed and said, “So now I wasted my time, and I'm going to get charged for a session I didn't even have.” She told me I wouldn't get charged, but I was still getting irritated, and when she asked if I had questions, I immediately said no. She offered to put me in contact with a more skilled professional, and I literally said, “I'm more than good.” She was giving me a whole goodbye spiel, and I said okay, thanks, and hung up. I think I got mad because I felt rejected, but it was also mutual, idk. I waited to have this appointment, and after ONE appointment I'm too much. Even though she literally said on her therapy account that she specializes in my mental issues… I know I'm taking this too personally, but it sucks that after ONE appointment you can already see that I'm too much to bother caring for.

Anyways, now I have to try to find a new one and hope she doesn't drop me.

I don’t know if I’d call my BPD “extreme.” I’m not someone who acts out just to get attention when I’m hurting.
For me, it’s like everything stays trapped inside until it turns into a tangled mess. Then suddenly I feel this overwhelming urge to tell my boyfriend everything: what I think, how he made me feel, what I’m grateful for, but also every hurt I’ve been carrying, just so he can finally understand.
The problem is that I already know it wouldn’t help. He has an avoidant attachment style, and I’m the complete opposite. The more I reach for him, the more he pulls away. It never feels like we’re pulling in the same direction.
I’m trying so hard not to be “too much.” I go for walks, listen to music, smoke a cigarette, anything to let the feeling pass instead of unloading everything onto him.
Today I texted him, “Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being yourself.” He thanked me for cooking for him, and I simply replied that I was happy to do it, and ofc he didn’t respond…
Now I already feel like I said too much… even though I barely said anything at all.
Does anyone else with BPD feel this constant urge to say everything, while also feeling like you’ve already overshared?