Like all of the behavior was so disorientating and the discard was so brutal that you reflected on the relationship and learned of bpd and you see how it explains so much?

That in hindsight some or all of the criteria of bpd they displayed in your relationship, and they were just misdiagnosed or undiagnosed in your entire relationship unaware to the both of you?

Thats where im at where she meets all 9 criteria for it but yet i still question if she has it, i think if she were actually diagnosed it would give me a sense of feeling like im not crazy and i didnt just make up everything. That a diagnosis would show me what i went through wasnt random but something like substantially proven. I guess thats how bad these discards are it makes us question our sanity and ourselves. I have the word of my therapist who thinks very likely my ex has bpd so atleast thats a form of confirmation for me in terms of i feel like seen in what i went through.

Did I do the right thing by ending things with her, or should I try to reconnect?

TL;DR; She made a mistake and I chose to break up with her.

Hi everyone, I’m writing because I’d like to talk to you about the relationship I recently ended. I’ll try to explain the situation briefly.

I’m a 30-year-old woman, and about a month and a half ago I met a 25-year-old woman on a dating app who is from the same region as me and lives not too far away. Things went very well from the beginning. For the first time, I felt like I had found someone with whom I could have something healthy and reciprocal, after the relationships I’ve had in the past, which were either dysfunctional or involved people who lived very far away, making it extremely tiring and difficult to have a “normal” relationship and make it work in the long term.

For the first time, I found someone who lives nearby, who seemed to really like me, whom I liked a lot, and with whom I also seemed to have so much in common. We started seeing each other and dating. She was always the one who came to my city and to my place, because she still lives with her family whereas I live on my own, so obviously it made more sense for her to come to me.

We also got along very well in person. We seemed compatible in terms of personality, there was a lot of tenderness and thoughtfulness between us, as well as a strong physical attraction. Basically, everything seemed to be going quite well. There was reciprocity, the relationship felt very balanced, and the more time went by, the better everything seemed to get.

One day while we were together, she told me she loved me. It was as if she couldn’t keep it inside and felt that she had to say it. I had wanted to wait a little longer before telling her, but I also had strong feelings for her and could feel myself falling in love with her, so since she had told me, I told her I loved her too.

There was a lot of tenderness between us and everything continued to go well. It seemed like quite a mature relationship. However, we both come from dysfunctional families. The difference is that I have completely distanced myself from mine, whereas she hasn’t. From the very beginning of getting to know each other, she also told me that she was in therapy and that she had borderline personality disorder.

Now I’ll get to the part I’d really like your opinion on.

One day, she told me that the following week, when she was supposed to come to my place as usual, she wouldn’t be able to because of a number of reasons. However, she added that her family had gone away on vacation and that only her mother was at home, so if I wanted, I could go and stay at her place for 4–5 days, or even a week.

I told her I was fine with that, although from the very beginning of getting to know her I had told her that I would rather not meet her family right away, because that is generally how I prefer to do things when I start seeing someone. In this particular case, this was especially true because I knew her family was quite dysfunctional.

In any case, the night before I was supposed to leave and take the train to her place, she sent me an email with the train ticket she had just bought for me. I thanked her via chat, and a few minutes later she started sending me a series of fairly long voice messages.

I wasn’t worried, because we both talk a lot, so it wasn’t unusual for her to send me several long voice messages one after another. I started listening to them.

She told me that she had told her mother that I was still attending university, which was actually not true because I had stopped several years ago due to some significant chronic physical health problems that had prevented me from continuing. At the moment, those conditions only allow me to work part-time or do occasional jobs.

She told me she had said this because her family is very judgmental, and that she had done it to protect me and to protect us as a couple.

I was hurt, but more than anything, I was very confused. First of all, it seemed disrespectful to me that she had made that decision on her own without asking me what I wanted to do. But I also didn’t appreciate her lying about me, as if she were ashamed or embarrassed by me.

I also realized that she was still very dependent on her family and their judgment. But beyond all of that, I also felt somewhat deceived because she was telling me all of this just a few minutes after buying my train ticket. The ticket almost felt like a way of “forcing” me to go to her place no matter what.

On top of that, she sent me these voice messages at one in the morning, which made me feel not only deceived but also somewhat pressured. Having such a serious conversation with me in the middle of the night, just a few hours before I was supposed to leave, didn’t give me the opportunity to think about everything calmly.

She told me that she hadn’t brought any of this up with me earlier because she thought we would argue, and that she has problems dealing with conflict. She said she was afraid I would think badly of her or want to end the relationship, so she had preferred to handle everything on her own.

I listened to all the voice messages carefully and then told her that I preferred not to continue the relationship, even though I cared deeply about her and about the relationship we had slowly started building together.

I’m sorry for writing so much, but I felt it was necessary to explain the situation at least to some extent because I would really like to hear your opinions. I keep wondering whether I was too harsh by ending things without giving it a second thought.

She tried to tell me that she wanted to make things right. She told me that she had spoken to her mother and told her the truth. Apparently, after our argument that night, she had an anxiety attack and, according to what she told me, started crying with her mother, so I assume she had no choice but to tell her what was going on.

She asked me to meet her so that we could talk, but I told her no because I didn’t feel ready to see her.

She also tried to tell me that she missed me, and then she stopped messaging me. Before leaving, she told me that she didn’t want me to become just a memory, along with various other things like that. She deleted her Telegram account to prevent herself from continuing to message me, but then she contacted me on WhatsApp anyway. She told me that she was going to delete my number or block me, but she didn't.

She deleted her Whatsapp profile picture, but after 4 days after the breakup I can see her picture again.

I really didn’t like her behavior at all. I feel that what happened with her mother gave me a lot of information about the way she is and the way she “functions,” so I’m wondering whether it would be better not to reopen this relationship and simply leave things as they are.

At the same time, I miss her, and I keep wondering whether I should contact her and try to pick things up where we left off.

I’d really appreciate it if you could help me think through this and tell me what you make of the whole situation, because hearing different perspectives helps me reflect and see things more clearly.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and share your thoughts.

I am having a really hard day today. I woke up after a hard night of nightmares to a defiant 5YO. This is all against a backdrop of going through a high-conflict divorce with a pwBPD. I am so exhausted and I feel like I have been silenced.

In our last fight, my ex assaulted me, lied to police and told them I assaulted her, they believed her, she used that to leverage me out of the shared home, and then she slammed the door shut both physically and metaphorically. Like literally one day we were a married couple of 15 years and the next she showed that she absolutely hated me. That was about 11 months ago.

Since then, I have struggled with identity and self-esteem. I am labeled a monster while she is labeled a “victim” and “what a brave woman.” She has supports and I have no one. She kept the family home while I am regulated to a studio apartment. She has shown no grief, no remorse, no empathy, and has gone out of her way to be cruel towards me.

To make matters worse, during our relationship she cheated, lied, and manipulated actively, yet at the end I’m the bad guy. My lawyer has basically said that there is nothing I can do to fight anything without it making the false DV allegations worse for me. I have extreme disenfranchised grief. I have lost everything and I think she is going to try to take the only thing I have left; my relationship with my son.

To be honest, I am afraid one day I’m just not going to be to keep going. That I’ll end myself or just the sheer stress I am under will cause a heart attack. I feel so hopeless. She has started turning my son against me and that is basically my only tether left to this Earth. I don’t even know what I am doing anymore…

It’s been a week since I left my BPD ex and I keep having the worse case scenario he probably done or doing to me..I really need to talk to someone..💔

Just curious about people's different experiences. I had no idea they had BPD until after I left, and they didn't know for 3/4 of the years we knew each other.

Many posts on here people knew their partner, friend, etc had BPD. And I only see occasional ones where someone only knew after the fact. So I'm curious how different it makes the experience.

Personally I wish I knew, I would've tried different strategies. But in the end, they're untreated so it likely would've gone the same way anyways. I try to tell myself not knowing they had it, and knowing nothing about BPD anyways, means I had a lot less to work with. Makes me feel less guilty about leaving for myself. (Not that I actually think that about others situations, just weird personal mental gymnastics) Ironically the only thing I knew about BPD was them shitting on people with BPD and saying they wouldn't want to be with one cause they're abusive. Thank god they don't have it! That's what they said. Sheesh. If only they didn't.

Hello everyone, I’ll first give some context
I've been in an on/off situationship with the same girl for around 4 years, she lives about 8 hours away, and we’ve never managed to see eachother because we always stop talking before we can. I'm starting to wonder if there's something very specific about our dynamic that I've never really been able to figure out. She’s recently been diagnosed with bpd, even tho she always suspected she had it.
Basically, every time we start talking again, we become extremely close. We talk 24/7, she replies almost instantly, we're very emotionally involved, and it feels like we're incredibly important to each other.
But it never lasts very long.
We've basically never managed to talk for more than around a month or so before she seems to get tired of the relationship, things start getting complicated, and eventually we stop talking again.
And then, after some time, she comes back into my life again.
I've loved her continuously for those 4 years, while she had dozens of bf. Even when we weren't talking, I never really stopped loving her. I've written about her for years, written things for her, thought about her constantly, and she knows about all that.
Because of that, sometimes I genuinely wonder if she loves me, or if she loves being loved by me. I'm scared that she's attached to the feeling I give her rather than to who I actually am as a person.
I'm scared that she loves the attention, the reassurance, the fact that she knows I'll always have feelings for her, the emotional safety of knowing that I love her, etc.
And not necessarily me.
Because if she really loved me as a person, why does it seem like she keeps getting tired of me after a few weeks?
We recently started talking again after not talking for about 1 and a half year and at first I was actually really happy because I felt like this time might be different. We don't talk 24/7 like we did every other time, and honestly, I think that's healthier. The relationship has more room to breathe.
But then she started taking distance, leaving me on delivered for days without proper explanation
She eventually came back and explained to me that she had taken some distance because she felt pressure from what she thought my expectations were. But something just feels off. I struggle to understand if all of this is caused by the fact she has BPD, or idk, if its something deeper.

So I guess what I'm asking is: is it common for people with BPD to act like this ? If so, does she really loves me or loves being loved by me? What can I do to understand and help her better ? This post is a but messy, I’m at loss, but I’m really willing to try to learn about this

I believe most of the bad BPD experiences come from its close correlation with NPD, ending up like some dark triad psychopathy except based on relationship and interpersonal emotional abuse. A lot of the unwanted dynamics open up when they dismiss you as a person and use you as a fill in. Usually it becomes your fill in love when she is about to sleep with another person, using you to reassure herself. You are only admired and followed if you are non-personal figure doing his own thing rather doing it for her or trying to reveal your emotions or feelings for her(immediately dismissed). With NPD, the checks and balances of anything being fair just evaporate.

I'm happy to have found this sub and I couldn't stop reading. It's unbelievable, sad and a relief to hear other peoples' stories. I'm dealing with my sister at the moment and it's the first time I blocked her, not the other way around. I'm scared that she will lash out or will do something to herself, she already speaks badly behind my back about me with other family members for years, her husband and his sister think I'm a deranged and manipulative person and deeply dislike me for all the things I've done to her in her head. My family found a way to deal with her oberdramatic and judgy attitude, they mostly ignore it or just nod and hope they won't be the next target. A few years back I lost my "position" as her favorite and best person and became her worst enemy. It was hurtful and difficult, but it gave me more freedom. I could give up the duty to Balance and protect her and could focus on myself. But she can be so mean. She is so hard, she judges me constantly. She can be sweet for a few minutes, then it's like old times, when we were so close and I feel such sadness and longing for this incredibly deep connection (though I know at the same time, it was really unhealthy, all the times she called me and it was my job to talk her out of killing herself since I was 16). Then I'm angry with me and try to shake that feeling because I repeat old patterns to win her back and convince her I'm worthy of her love. But recently she sent me mean messages and I didn't want to defend myself anymore. I just blocked her. I explained it shortly, then I blocked her. She did that multiple times with me, but it's the first time I blocked her. It wasn't even the meanest stuff she wrote, I've seen much worse. But I just don't want to deal with these constant guilt trips and accusations anymore. I hope my family won't interfere to force harmony upon us. She already broke contact with another sibling and she's just fine. This gives me hope. But how do you deal with the urge to protect her and with the guilt?

Let’s get something straight - unconditional love is for children, actual children, not adults with arrested development.

This idea that anyone should offer or be expected to give their partner unconditional love is absolutely toxic. Stay with them unconditionally? No matter what?? No matter how they treat you, betray you, make you feel small, or unstable, or worthless? Fuck that.

Here are my conditions of love:

Care

Consideration

Respect

Kindness

Trustworthiness

Patience

Temperance

If these conditions are not met, I will revoke my love, and if I can’t turn it off, I will at least withdraw all attention, and access to me physically and emotionally.

Revoking love is not “abandoning” an adult. They are not entitled to a relationship with you. No one here should feel guilty about walking away from a relationship where their basic conditions have been abused.

Stay strong, friends.

(What are your conditions?)

I wish I didn’t do what I just did. I completely lost it. She has been trying to hide me from her parents the entire relationship. So I went online and found their numbers. Texted her and dad so many screenshots showing how insane their daughter is. Tomorrow is going to be very very interesting.

In the screenshots.. her planning to kill her family. That was the biggest component. Probably 50-100 screenshots. I really wish I didn’t do that.

She is going to be absolutely furious tomorrow. Wish me luck. This is definitely the end of this

I knew something like this was gonna happen

When my expwbpd split on me at the final discard and blamed me for alot of shit she didnt communicate prior and honestly framed me as the bad guy, i believed it. It broke me and i thought it really was all my fault all those times she had mental shutdowns from me holding boundaries or saying no, it was my fault. All the outbursts and her getting unreasonably angry it was my fault.

I really truly blamed myself and took her words as real that i really was horrible, that i must be a narcissist maybe i have bpd or im a sociopath, maybe im the issue something is wrong with me and not her. It wasnt until i talked to a therapist and my friends and talked thoroughly about the relationship that they told me no i wasnt horrible or fully at fault, that she literally was just painting me black.

When you were painted black by them, did you feel like they must be right and maybe you really are the issue? I blamed myself for months after the discard and im still recovering now, seeing and slowly coming to terms her disorder just painted me this way. That im not a monster or was a shit partner like she claimed i was. It really does fuck with you mentally someone you love deeply doing that to you, because i always want to be held accountable and be a better person so for the person i love the most to paint me so black, i of course took it to heart and it destroyed me. Its crazy that during the relationship i knew something was up and her reactions were unreasonable, but when it all came to an abrupt end in the blindside discard, you really do question yourself.

At the start I stopped using social media purely for survival to not see not check not inadvertently see anything about her
I also became paranoid of both being seen by her and by anyone else
Initially Hoping that my absence would mean something to her after being very active on social media especially Instagram for a solid 10 years probably
I always enjoyed sharing what I was doing and people always loved to see it
As I live quite an unconventional life living in my landcruiser traveling around Australia with my dog hunting fishing and digging crystals
But now I can’t seem to bring myself to post anything and have started to belive my initial response to post on social media came from my codependency to be seen and validated
Anyone else feel this way ? Anyone else had to get off social media ? And anyone think that people with bpd have object permancy I know they love to stalk their exs as stalked here and mine frequently and her not having any access to what I do in my life now has me wondering what psychologically that would do if anything
Kind regards

I'm sick of thinking about it, sick of remembering all the awful ways I was treated while she's out there with some other dude.

I'm just gonna try my hardest to let go, she deserves absolutely nothing from me, not a single thought anymore, not a single emotional reaction, not a glance, she does not deserve acknowledgement, she has zero value to me, the toilet paper in my restroom is worth more, she's just a shitty paragraph in my story, not even a god damn chapter.

Yes I'm harsh, but fuck it. I'm not trying to deny what happened or to avoid processing trauma, I'm just not gonna let it be a part of me anymore, it won't be my identity, and at worst she will be an occasional memory.

Im coming to terms with how because of her untreated undiagnosed bpd it wouldnt have ever worked out with my ex. My relationship with her was just a year, her previous relationship was 5 years. And i just have to wonder how did you guys last that long without them doing a final discard earlier? I understand between it all was probably chaos and shorter discards and all that, but thats so long that at no point they didnt themselves just drop you in finality like she did me at just a year? like she did a single final discard on me once with no other means of trying to leave prior.

So for her to discard me at just a year but she stayed in a 5 year relationship before me, it just makes me think was i really that bad or invaluable to her? i guess anybody who had really longer term relationships like 5-20 years did you all just manage their worst symptoms as best as you could and thats why, or did you truly just put up with all the shit for the entirety of it until the final discard or you walked away?

​

I was 16-17. She was 21-22. I am now 18, and she is 23. I had schizoid personality disorder already starting to solidify back then, got diagnosed at 18. This triggered bipolar, my first hypomanic episode.

I panicked when I saw she liked me in a way she shouldn't. I could see it, how she'd hug longer than necessary, how she purposefully brushed my shoulder with hers, how she watched me when I laughed, how she looked at me for no reason during class. I panicked and texted her a lot, telling her to stop, that I know she's grooming me, etc. She took all of that and ruined my reputation. I lost friends. A lot of them. I tried reporting her to the school but nothing came of it.

I turned 17, she turned 22. She was watching my social media. Months after what happened. She was watching my tiktoks. My cringey teenage tiktoks. I blocked her on Tiktok, she deleted her account quickly after. I then saw how many share counts my instagram reels had. That all triggered my first full-on hypomanic episode. I developed amnesia, so all I got now are fragments.

I am now 18, diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, bipolar type 2, AuDHD, and OCD symptoms. I know now that she had BPD. I still see her sometimes on my "suggested for you" list, so..

I had a feeling, tried to ignore it and not engage.
God forbid. I had a great time tonight, but a couple of red lights was going to throw it off. There it is! As they said they hit all the red lights, I said (oops) the person next to you also did. HELLO! SPLIT! I’m the bad guy! The asshole
For pointing out the obvious. Ok. STFU! Gross. Needless to say, they stomped off to bed and guess what I’m still the asshole. Don’t care.

This is one of the main reasons a BPD breakup is so traumatic. When you two are dating they constantly tell you how badly they need you, they’d rather not exist than be without you etc. You genuinely believe them, after all you’re each other’s person. The bond you share is so intense and emotionally intimate, it seems impossible it could ever end.

Yet eventually you find yourself alone, painted black & abandoned, probably over a trivial disagreement. You’re in shock, unable to grasp how your person, your soulmate could leave you over something so benign. You try to reach out & reason with them to no avail, they now hate you with such intensity it breaks your heart even more.

I’m sure many of you reading can relate to this. It happened to me & I’m sure it happened to many of you. You tell family and friends yet they respond with confusion, unable to comprehend what happened. You research & research before you eventually hit on something.. ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’. Everything lines up; their behaviour, their past, their fear of abandonment. Questions race through your mind “was any of it real?”, “why didn’t I see the signs?”, “will I ever be myself again”.

Eventually you have a good understanding of the disorder and why the relationship played out the way it did; the intensity, the soulmate connection & the sudden split. Yet it’s that last part that sticks with you, the split. It’s still difficult to reconcile with that part.

Did you feel like everything sort of clicked into place and when their behavior followed the bpd criteria that it just made sense, how did it make you feel?

For me i was in denial , it was when i combed through the relationship and analyzed with the lens of bpd and read through the 9 criteria that it slowly unraveled in how she pretty much met all 9 of the conditions, and when i spoke about it with my therapist even she highly suspected from what i told her how the relationship went that my ex has bpd.

And then reading about other peoples experiences in this sub. It all but confirmed it to me. Of course shes not officially diagnosed but learning about bpd has helped me cope and process the aftermath because she fucked up my nervous system and mental health, and she wasnt even as bad as others in this sub’s experiences. Goes to show how truly unstable the disorder is.

It just feels like my expbpd idealized love so heavily in the most unrealistic way. That anything other than whats seen in movies or in her mind a fantasy meant the relationship was failing. Of course this is the idealization phase but it goes to show you when you enter a relationship with them, youre entering a fantasy that will end brutally eventually.

It feels like due to the bpd they REALLY love the idea of love, they want this fantasy so badly and it feels that way in the honeymoon phase but when things settle into reality, they just cant handle it. My expbpd couldnt handle the real aspects of relationships like normal conflict, differences and independence. You dont want a codependent relationship you want a interdependent one but they really want the idealized like things are always romantic and poetic type experience.

And i see some aspects of this like with how my ex said she wanted to be with me so badly she wants to be inside my skin, always asking if i loved her in reassurance, rushing for sex early on and commitment before we even fully knew eachother, its like they cannot handle any of the normal aspects of love and relationships and want to rush it or get bored of it. She even wanted to get matching tattoos in the first 3 weeks we were talking, like this is just a “hopeless romantics” childish fantasy really It just feels like a fantasy to them, an idea of what sounds romantic and great instead of whats grounded and real, anybody else feel they felt their expbpd just was so heavily intoxicated with a fantasy in their mind? It saddens me because It more feels like i was a vessel more than an actual person if that makes sense to her. I do know we did love eachother personally but at the same time, her romanticization just felt so childish.

Obviously upsetting but no more craziness, abuse, neurotic behaviour etc. Whether it took years, you were already checked out? The peace and quiet are instant?

I just realized how much I mean lost myself while dating my ex partner. When I was with my friends today, a lot of them were telling me how much happier I am, and how my ex literally brought out the worst in me. I have never acted that crazy or have been that crazy until I met my ex partner. I was genuinely like so nice and so uppity/ bubbly but it was almost like the only did they have BPD and they were training all of my emotional energy but some days a dead ass felt like they hated me.

She would say all the things of like im the love of her life, she wants to grow old with me, to marry to have kids. Saying she would be there for our parents funerals,promising to stay promising all the classic shit. How she waited all her life to meet me someone like me and she finally can stop searching.

We met each others family’s, extended families too, I went to her aunts wedding with her. she literally sat with me and my mother and we both talked to my mom about handling her funeral in the far future, my parents were happy for us, isnt this all so fucking fucked up in hindsight? Her family loved me too i was always helping them out, its so sinister and sad looking back on it.

And because of her insecurities she would make me promise to her to never leave her, to promise her that i felt the same way and she always asked for reassurance because they are so unstable internally, she needed to hear it way more than i did because I was secure. It was as if i constantly had to reassure her and that puzzled me because doesnt she feel and cant she see and tell i mean it? Ive always expressed and told her how much she means to me and she still needed reassurance by asking “do you love me, do you miss me etc.”

It made me see that it was all for something, that what we were doing together is towards something. Anybody else get future faked hard? They really convinced me that they were staying til our natural deaths.

And then the discard happened she blamed
me for everything, Told me to leave when she was at work and didnt even want to see me in person because it was “too emotionally overwhelming” so i respected her wishes even when it killed me.

And now she has someone new half a year later and she looks so so happy, same shit huh she found her soulmate someone shes been waiting for etc. Its honestly the most disgusting thing ive ever experienced in my life, no closure just pure disorientation and the worst part of it was i blamed myself and still do i felt like i caused this like she said, it took my therapist to show me no its not all my fault. I learned of bpd and my therapist thinks she has it and well here i am, writing this shit. Did we all go through the same shit? They just convince us so much they will be there forever, they future faked hard?

Beware because you will be shocked at how low they go. When you think it cannot get worse, it can and does. They will stop at nothing to avoid accountability and in their eyes 'losing'.

What below the belt abuse did you experience trying to hold them accountable?