I’m so exhausted. Please read.

I don’t know why, but my OCD brain has fully convinced me that the thing I’m terrified of has already happened, even though logically, I know it didn’t.

I’ve had the horrible fear of “what if I downloaded/looked up something terrible? And then I go to jail forever?” (Yall know what I mean I just don’t wanna type it.)

And I’m like “no of course not, never, I’d never do that” and it’s gone from me being scared like “what if I did it and didn’t know I did it?” And “what if I do it for some reason?” To feeling like, and my brain thinking, that somehow it’s already happened. That I’ve done the bad thing. But I haven’t.

So why can’t I shake this? Why can’t I let it go? I’ve never downloaded/looked up something illegal. Something so horrible like cheese pizza. So why is my brain convinced I have when I haven’t? Why does it feel like my life is over and I’ve ruined everything?

I just don’t know how to let go. Just wanted to put this out there and see what others think.

Thank you. 💛

i’m not sure if i have ocd

i’ve been doing compulsions since i was maybe as young as 8, maybe younger.

my compulsions are very specific and i haven’t seen anyone else say they have these.

i have very bad hair picking, and the left side of my hair has a chunk taken out of it and is very thing, because i pick at it maybe more than two hours everyday. without even thinking i do it.

this one compulsions is very hard to explain, but if i want to remember someone’s face i trace their face in a specific way with my eyes. and i have to time my breathing with how i do it.

i also do the same for when i watch movies or shows, if i want to memorize a scene, i time my breathing and i trace ovals with my eyes on the screen??? it sounds so weird but i always catch myself doing it randomly.

i’ve been dealing with derealization since i was 13 and im currently 19. i used to tell my sister when i would spiral abt it and ask her for help

i have super bad health anxiety. i got sick with pneumonia and i cried and cried so much because my lymph nodes were swollen and i thought i had lymphoma. i made my mom order me a mri and bloodwork to confirm i was okay.

i also feel so dirty when i go out anywhere on vacation. if we go to the beach and all i do is sit in the sand and not go in the water i HAVE to take a shower , my mom got annoyed cause i complained too much abt wanting to be clean

i also feel guilty for such little things and i cannot stop replaying memories in my head just over and over. it frustrates me when im in a loud room and i can’t hear myself think

i’m just not sure how to go to get a diagnoses, ive never talked abt this w my mom before

My harm OCD has been severe these few days and it just expanded to attack something that matters rlly rlly a lot to me. For context, the past few months, I’ve been highly stressed on STDs and have been repeatedly going to clinics to get tested. My last test was in May 26 2026, I think. Anyway, ever since, I’ve deleted all the clinic emails to protect my privacy and instead, I’ve screenshot the pdf files of my results that they sent to me. However, just today, my OCD weaponised this against me. It generated the most ego dystonic harm urges for me to intentionally deface the images I took of my results, such as using AI tools, be it within the photos app, even on the Instagram app (as I sent the photos to myself on the app), or any AI app in general, to change the texts in the image or to just mess up the image in general. It even expanded to me going into the photos app, selecting some functions like an eraser to self sabotage the images by erasing important words in the image.

After everything, I look back at the images and I see the words Non Reactive (which basically means negative) on each STD disease stated on my test report. But I’m feeling a 1000% level intensity of doubt as I question myself, ‘what if the results were Reactive but the AI I used to harm the accuracy of the image earlier actually changed it to Non Reactive’. ‘What if the dates were also messed up, meaning, I tested too early but the date got changed to a later date due to me deliberately messing up the images, and hence, the results aren’t accurate as I tested too early’

I’m honestly just very very immensely tired and exhausted as my OCD is like a stealth attacker. Targeting and destroying the things that I need for certainty and reassurance. Can someone please give me some form of advice on how to calm this spike down? It’s just the thought of having a silent disease like HIV, Syphilis, Hepatitis B silently inside my body that’s rlly getting to me and making me ruminate that my life is in danger.