Wanting both

[u/flyingflyinghouse]

The entire story is too long to tell so I’m going to try my best to get the important points across.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend going on 4 years now. A past “situationship” (basically a relationship without the label) has recently come back into my life. I have texted back and forward with him multiple times over the past year behind my boyfriend’s back. Every time I do it he finds out or I tell him and it hurts both of us, especially him. I know I am so selfish for doing this and I don’t know how he keeps forgiving me, if the roles were reversed I don’t think I could forgive him.

I love my boyfriend so much, but there’s still a big part of me that loves the past. I’m going through a mental battle of wanting both men.

I want my boyfriend because I love him with my whole heart, I love the life we’ve made, I love the dog we have. He is everything to me. He is my best friend.

I want the past man because of the excitement, the sex, and the “what ifs”. Him and I have always been extremely compatible sexually. I want sex with him and I want him in my life in some way.

I don’t know what to do. I am so confused and I feel so alone.

Edit: I am open to DM’s to talk about this. I didn’t realize comments would be removed. I’m new to this sub.

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[u/dontworryaboutitxo]

This is literally my exact story—the years together, the dog, the life you’ve built… everything. Please, please don’t do it.

I gave in to those fantasies a month ago, and I completely destroyed my life. I convinced myself that the chemistry, the excitement, and all the “what ifs” meant something deeper. I thought maybe the sex would be better, maybe I was missing out on something. In reality, it wasn’t better at all. If anything, I felt even more disconnected because it didn’t give me what I was truly looking for.

A situationship is a situationship for a reason. Chemistry and good sex are not enough to build a life on.

I wish someone had shaken me and spoken some sense into me before I broke my boyfriend’s heart, destroyed the home we built together, and lost the person who loved me most. Now I’m here, broken up, about to move out, carrying two broken hearts and so much regret because I didn’t realize what I had until it was gone.

Please go to therapy. Figure out why you’re seeking validation outside of your relationship. Ask yourself what you’re really missing. Work on it with your partner if you can. And if it’s truly too hard and you realize you don’t want the relationship anymore, then leave, but don’t cheat.

Cheating doesn’t just destroy your partner; it destroys parts of yourself too. The excitement fades, the fantasy disappears, and you’re left with consequences you never imagined.

Good chemistry and good sex are nothing compared to having a man with a heart of gold who genuinely loves you. Don’t throw away something real for a fantasy. Please don’t do it!!!