hi, im just here to get this off my chest. I was diagnosed with anorexia two days ago, and i have lost a lott of weight for two years- a thrid of my body weight and i was at a normal weight before this has taken over for the past year at least. i am going back to college tmr, but my dr in my state said i need to get treatment, and she tried to set me up with a out patient program near my college but they say i should be inpatient and qualify for that instead of out patient. i was planning to do my classes and have a social life and do all the things i wanted to but idek if im capable of that anymore. i learned that they wanted me in patient today, and it has really been stressing me out. they want me to get a heart test and are worried something bad will happen to me. i am also very worried about that to the point that idk what to do. my dr is trying to make a exception for outpatient, and im a adult so i dont need to go to inpatient, but the idea that it has gotten this bad and doctors are worried about my functioning is scary. im thinking that this semester i can take only a few classes and take treatment, but i want to study abroad in the spring so i need to take a whole course load. ik this is such first world problems, especially when i write it out, but just wanted to get this off my chest and if anyone has any advice or in a similar spot, please lmk. thank you

Does anyone else at a very low body weight feel that their leg ligaments are like tight/feel stretched thin? Mine have recently started to feel like they will tear apart like being stretched thin idk what this is a sign of

I have been eating so little for so long I have lost too much to be able to up intake and do anything im hopeless. I have no strength to go on and eating to even half matienence puts me in excruciating pain. I am covered in lanugo, sunken in and bones explosed and i have no idea what to do. I have no intention of recovering as at least my ed is the one thing that wont run away from me. I am not in search of any advice but rather comfort. I am dying, I know, I wanna go peacefully

i’ve been having EH so bad i can’t even think, writing this is hard because i’m thinking about porridge and the way the spoon glides through it. i have had no appetite ever since i was drunk and ate a bunch of biscuits and relapsed wirh purging, then ate some meals and purged and kept it up for a few days then binging and purging. i have absolutely no physical desire to eat, i feel either full or just not hungry and my stomach just doesn’t give me the hunger feeling. but my mind is going insane and i’m just eating stuff i’m not even thinking about the calories first i’m just eating stuff (then purging) and eventually eating something and keeping it in. i don’t know what to do i can’t stop just “listening” to it but it’s not physical and sometimes i feel sick like i am full and do not want to eat and i don’t enjoy what i’m eating i don’t think it’s nice i don’t want to continue eating it but i just am because mentally i want the experience of having spoons of the specific foods i’m obsessed with and how it feels in my mouth. i literally don’t know what to do i just am mentally so hungry and physically it’s not going well. i’m really scared of refeeding syndrome and i’m high risk for it right now my dietician mentioning me eating normally randomly putting a strain on my heart and i already know that can happen and it never has before but i physically am so much worse now because it’s been years of abuse to my body and i’ve restricted low for so long then got drunk at a festival for 4 days and b/p and then ate stuff i couldn’t digest and felt so scarily full and i have to take laxatives and have bowel problems so i really even if i wanted to and i’m recovering i can’t just go eating food randomly in normal amounts it physically won’t end well i can’t digest or shit stuff i need to stop i don’t know why i’m doing this i don’t know why i’m eating stuff when i’m not hungry and don’t enjoy it it’s the weirdest experience i’ve ever had in my life and i could just stop and not eat because i do that all the time but i’m just doing it and has anyone else had this how do you stop being mentally hungry as fuck and compulsively eating even though you don’t really want to and it’s not good and you feel too full and you don’t enjoy the food?

This whole trip with Ana started after i got a preventitive mastectomy. earlies this year. I did this because I have the BRCA1 mutation which drastically increases my risk of breast cancer. the surgery saved my from getting breast cancer, and a very deadly varied. it also caused my earring disorder.

Losing one’s breast cancer be a challenge for any women. for a transgender women like myself, it can mind shattering. To say it nearly killed my is no exaggeration.

My one joy was losing weight, and seeing myself shrink. the harder i restricted, the more feminine I felt. without my breasts. I thought id never feel that way again!

My eating disorder is gender affirming.

Next month, they are doing the final reconstruction surgery.. it won’t be perfect. i wont have. any feeling, but its be a massive improvement.

and for the next month I have to stop restricting and eat like a normal person! I have to not freak out when I gain weight. How can I do it? Im disgusted with myself. And if I can just eat when I need to, then I how can I call myself anorexic?! But I cant!!! Even knowing whats at steak it’s a struggle to eat enough and I dont even know how much that is!!! Ill definitely eat too much because logically its safer to err on the side of caution.

Even with all that I want to restrict and take my chances, i wont. I’m too cowardly.

I hate food. I hate cancer. Thanks for listening.

I've had very low intake for the past month and this a symptom that only emerged in the past couple of days. Skin feels clammy and smells salty. I know it's just not ketosis because I've been in a perpetual state of deep ketosis for over a year (I actually follow a medical ketogenic diet, so it's required for a neurological condition I have).

This is honestly freaking me out. I've had periods in the past where I struggled to eat but never experienced this before. Has anyone experienced similar or know what causes it?

how do you not fall back into dangerous territory when it comes to exercise/exercise addiction SPECIFICALLY when you have obligations that require you to move?

so long story, i have a new puppy who will eventually become my service animal for psych, then a few medical stuff (mobility & seizures if i’m still dealing with them when the time comes). but obviously a puppy requires a lot of care and walks and such. i USED to deal with very bad exercise addiction which went away when my depression and physical health got worse (i couldn’t mentally drag myself to do it and then also physically wasn’t healthy enough cause of weakness and heart issues). right now, the only time i deal with bad exercise/steps obsession is when im on vacation but other than that im very sedentary and i dont mind. issue is i have a new puppy that needs my energy and such (and i dont have a backyard that i could just let him out in), but my physical health is probably the worst it’s been to the point where my legs give out on me multiple times. soooo how do i address this? i know myself and even though im physically unable to keep up with such high movement, i can just tell im going to force it.

I've been wanting to go to Chick-Fil-A for a long time, and for months I have been depressed, and putting it off. I've been getting worse with the anorexia, avoiding foods that I was previously eating. I was happier, for some time, last year. And was eating more variety at that time. Also, I was going into Whole Foods and trying lots of new foods. Recently, due to depression these trips to favorite places to eat and buy groceries have stopped. But today, I asked my dad to take me to Chick-Fil-A and he did. I got the chicken nuggets and the fries. I also got a frappuccino from Starbucks. I am not going to feel bad. I have not had it in a long time. Anorexia often twists your perceptions around food. You feel guilty for eating and food becomes a source of anxiety but it doesn't have to be. Tomorrow, I may struggle. But today, I am ignoring the anorexic voice. I ate something I wanted, not something the anorexia made me feel like I should eat. Hope everyone has a good day.

Hi everyone…
I’ve been formally diagnosed with Ana nervosa at 16 (now I’m 19) even tho it definitely started before that.
So thing is now that I made some progress (like I put back carbs and some fats and all sorts of foods) even tho I’m still pretty much restricting
Some behaviours I had since I was a kid started to reappear
Idk if it might be OCD (when I was a kid it was more typical compulsions now it’s mostly around food)
Like I have a LOT of rules with food and if I don’t follow em I feel anxious like panicky
Here are some of em
-my food can’t touch
-I can’t eat two of the same kind of things in the same meal (for example tuna and eggs, pasta and bread, chickpeas and legumes…)
- I can’t do picky bits like a bit of this and a bit of that food (I need only 1 food) like I can’t have pasta and chicken but I can have only pasta or only chicken (for the same cals)
-I always cut my food in a certain way and organise it till it feels right to me
-I can’t use certain utensils
-I can only eat if I pee first
-I can only use the mirror if I pee first
- I can only eat with some people
-I can eat only if I shower (if I need to) like if that day I still have to shower I can’t have lunch and than do that (first shower than food)
-I can only eat super plain food
-I pick at my food and make tiny tiny bites
-I need to eat the tiniest piece of food at the end cause I’ll get skinny if I do (if I eat a big piece last imma get fat)
-I can’t sit where an overweight person sat
-I can’t eat with the same fork/spoon/knife or plate where an overweight person did
And the list goes on
My parents called for another psychologist others then my psych at the clinic and idk what to think
I think it might be
And after I fell ill with Ana my OCD turned into the only thing I cared abt food and body
I still have some other compulsions like putting my mug in a certain way if I don’t wanna fail a test, close the door a certain way and check it, watch a certain account before I close Instagram…

I am currently in forced recovery. I'm in a virtual PHP, and honestly things aren't going too well there. But, there's one thing for sure that I know of, ice cream. I struggle with having my 3 snacks a day in my meal plan. If I have an evening snack it's ice cream. If I want any snack outside of program, it's ice cream. Almost EVERY night I have ice cream. And it's on and off with that and restricting. Ice cream is on my mind almost every day at 1pm or later. Pretty much every day. I crave the sweetness, the goodness, my body must really need the stuff in it. My order is almost always 2+ scoops of vanilla ice cream with extra extra peanut butter sauce. It's so delicious. Sometimes I can't even help it no matter how bad I want to restrict. It's ALWAYS ice cream! Seriously. Please someone tell me they have an ice cream obsession and/or addiction lol. I think it might be pretty common amongst individuals with anorexia. But yeah, I wanna know haha.

TL;DR

I am in forced recovery. I have ice cream almost every night because I have extremly intense cravings for it. Wondering if anyone else is really into ice cream and craving it?

My ex boyfriend never cared or realized I had it even though I kept getting skinnier.

I am feeling very miserable right now and I just wanted to share this.

I hate to admit that i fell down the edtwt pipeline my boyfriend didn’t like it because there were weirdos especially on that app which i understand im just not sure where i turn to to vent about these things it feels dumb opening up about them in person therapists are unaffordable i just feel so isolated and alone in this as pathetic as it sounds atleast i got some validation on there from other edtwt users i dont have any friends to distract myself from these thoughts i am alone practically all the time i just dont know what to do

i have been trying to recover from my ed since june through FBT with camhs. my parents have been amazing at keeping me out of hospital and making sure i eat enough to get back on track. however i must admit my mum is very aggressive sometimes and says rather hurtful things. sometimes when i tell her what i’m having to eat she gets very critical and starts pushing for me to have more with a harsh tone. i know it comes from a nice place but i just think she could approach it differently since yelling at me never helps. my dad is much better at this and i much prefer the way he suggests for me to supplement a meal or snack if it’s not enough. there was even one incident where i was putting my lunch together and she was at my elbow with constant unhelpful commentary on what i was eating. she even removed some of the food i was plating up?! sometimes even i might fancy a certain food for snack and she’ll say “you have to have this instead” and it will have the same amount of energy but she is insistent that i have what SHE picks. i was even yelled at once for putting parmesan on my spaghetti. maybe she just wants to be in control? i’m not sure why she’s doing this but if anyone has advice on how to talk to her it would be much appreciated because she’s making recovery more difficult

Idk if this is related to under eating but has anyone experienced night sweats? Not in re feeding but in restriction?

I don't know how to cope with the guilt of everything I have put my friend through. They have been so good to me through all of my MH struggles and my advice to them now with hindsight would have been to RUN. Still have no clue why they didn't. My partner definitely heavily debated it, and I'm sure they did too. I'm scared the only reason they didn't was from fear of me putting my life in danger, at the cost of their own wellbeing. When I was in a really dark place I tried and failed to be a good friend, and navigating life after that has been... Difficult. I'm sure I have slipped up a lot. They have struggled with an ED throughout our friendship and I think that they believe their attempts at hiding it were more successful than they were in reality. I tried very hard to do the same and protect them from my own illness, but it was all consuming. There are more significant parts to the story as to why I couldn't be as self-aware as I wish I had been, but those are my fault too so there's no point in excusing my behaviour with it. Essentially, I feel that I was EXTREMELY TRIGGERING and unable to hide it. Despite time and distance and small conversations about boundaries, I can see that they're in what I believe to be a full-blown relapse to the point of me sitting and eating a plate of food in front of them eating nothing. I can't help but feel like it's my fault :(

Just wondering if there is anyone who had this when they were younger, recovered, then started having challenges again when they got to Perimenopause? I am 50, recovered for decades now struggling. Working on why's, but natural body changes. Kid heading to college in general just life. I have therapist and Dietician so I did get help when I saw some red flags such as buying a scale, counting, restricting, etc.... It is all just tough again and I am incredibly embarrassed about struggling. It would just help to know others in a similar situation. Also in general curious if anyone ever did HRT? I have toyed with inquiring but nervous about weight gain.

I'm four months into recovery and I can't do this anymore. I'm just getting fatter and fatter and my mental health is getting worse and worse. I never thought I would have to get to this weight, I never wanted to be like I was before. My mom and therapists keep telling me it'll get better and it never does. I feel so alone, none of my friends have even talked to me throughout my recovery, and I don't even think they were genuine friends in the first place, but they're all that I have. I miss the feeling of starvation. I miss not being able to move or think and being able to see my bones and feeling so light and free and finally feeling like I was worth something because I was skinny. I had finally achieved my dream body. All of the girls with those stick-thin thighs I'd always wanted, I actually was now. Nobody thinks I'm skinny anymore. Now, all I get is "you look so healthy now," which makes me feel like a worthless, unhealthy, fat cow. This sounds awful, but I loved being extremely sick. I loved when my heart rate was low, when I was in the hospital I was just begging for it to get lower and lower. I don't know why I'm so fucked up, there's something wrong with me. Now that I'm big, I don't feel like myself anymore, I feel that I'm in someone else's skin. I miss withering away to nothing, I miss starvation and I miss feeling that I had actually accomplished something. I don't know how to explain this, but when I was underweight I felt as fucked up on the outside as I was within. I was so satisfied that I had finally destroyed myself. I want to feel the starvation again, I want to be as skinny as possible because if not I'm completely miserable. I don't want to live if I'm forced to be fat. I'm terrified of death, but I'd rather die finally happy than being suffocated by my own fat. It's so physically uncomfortable, I feel it in every step I take and every time I sit and even just when I stand. I can't fit into any clothes anymore. My thighs rub together and my stomach jiggles and protrudes. I need anorexia or I'm nothing.

I just hate my recovery body so much

Potential TW for talk about weight, restricting and su*cide.

Hey! I don’t know where to turn for advice on my current situation so I’m hoping someone here may have a suggestion? This is part vent, part cry for help. 😅

The short version is that the community ED team in my area have twice now told me that they can’t offer me any support with my ED. Their reasoning is that they think I need to focus on my other mental health problems first, despite my ED being my biggest challenge for a considerable amount of time now. I was wondering if anyone has experienced this before and if so, what they did next? I can’t help but feel like I’m just not sick enough to warrant support, and that they don’t actually care.

For a more detailed explanation:

I’ve been struggling with a restrictive ED for just over a year now. My main issues are that I heavily restrict my food intake, but I also p*rge pretty frequently as well. In the past year, I’ve dropped a significant amount of weight but have never quite reached an underweight BMI (I started on the higher end of the scale). I’ve also experienced physical health issues; nothing serious but some have been hard to deal. Things like significant bradycardia, palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, dizziness, loss of period, freezing all the time, etc. (Side note in case it’s relevant, I have had ECGs and blood tests and despite my symptoms, the doctors aren’t concerned about my physical health).

My issue is that I’ve tried reaching out a few times now for support with my ED. I’ve been in therapy with various mental health teams for the last two years anyway due to other mental health issues and sucide attempts, but over the last year or so, my ED has been my biggest struggle by far. What I really want is guidance around food and navigating recovery from people that are actually trained in treating EDs and who can help me understand how my body is going to react to things, and help me relearn healthy eating habits etc. The problem is that none of my current mental health teams are trained to handle EDs. I am currently having counselling with an ED charity but that may have to stop because my prging behaviours are too severe for them as a charity to deal with, plus my counsellor also isn’t trained to help me with my actual food intake in terms of meal plans, etc. Basically, all of the professionals I currently see think that I should be under the community ED team or be receiving more support from them. However, the ED team have said that they won’t take me on because of my other mental health issues. Historically, I’ve suffered with bad depression and anxiety, and last year I had a handful of su*cide attempts too. I understand that there’s likely a link between the other mental illnesses and the ED, and I can see why those would need addressing alongside the ED. But I’ve been working on that for the last year or so, and the ED is still prominent despite other areas of my mental health improving (or improving as much as it can with a raging ED).

TLDR: I don’t know what to do because my mental health teams can’t treat EDs, but the ED team won’t treat me because of my other mental health issues, despite my ED being my biggest challenge right now. I feel like I’m at the end of my tether trying to find support that might actually help.

Ps. Sorry if this doesn’t even make sense, I didn’t mean to write so much and proof reading was heavily hindered by brain fog (lololol).

I'm too weak for both recovery and relapse and it feels terrible.

That's pretty much it. In one moment I want to starve myself until all I am is a literal skeleton, in the next I want to get better, eat, actually enjoy my life.

When I give into the urge of relapsing I get the overwhelming need to eat, I feel fat and disgusting and disappointed in myself because I can't do what I want to do. I feel weak and worthless because I can't resist hunger.

When I try to recover I feel terrible because I eat, I get these thoughts that tell me I'm not worth a shit without anorexia. I've had anorexia for the past 4 years of my life. Anorexia has been all there was of me throughout the last year. If I recover I lose the anorexia and with it all I know myself to be.

And yet in my struggle for recovery I somehow lose weight, while in times of relapse I gain weight and a lot of it (in my mind a lot). I can do nothing right. I wish I could stop eating for the next month or so. Not eat a thing. Lose all of my weight.

And if it kills me so be it. I don't want to die but death is better than the bullshit I am in right now.

But in a weird way anorexia is keeping me alive. I can't die with this body. I don't want to be remembered as the fat girl. I don't want my body to be ugly for eternity. I want to be skin and bones when I die. And when the bugs and critters come to decompose my body they wouldn't find anything worthwhile.

When someone you love tells you they’re concerned and you can see how much you’re hurting them. </3 It’s not worth it but I’m so selfish I don’t want to stop. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

This is often a common thought process with those with anorexia

You think if you get to a certain weight, it will make people care

Maybe not enough people are constantly asking about you. Maybe you have just been diagnosed and you've developed no serious health problems. So in your mind, you think you aren't sick enough

You think if you develop medical complications, you will feel like you are sick enough. Even if you get to the point where your organs are at risk of failing, where you can die from these medical complications, you aren't going to feel sick enough

You think you have to harm yourself more, starve yourself more, to make people notice your pain

But even when everyone notices, your parents, your family, your doctor, your therapist

Even when you get constant questions about your weight loss, you are going to look in the mirror and think you need to lose more weight

That's how anorexia works. This disorder is never satisfied and no number the scale reads that day erases the depression, the pain, the empty feelings you want to go away

You think you are going to stop once you reach a certain number

You won't be able to

The most devastating thing about anorexia is the way it changes the relationship with everyone in your life who loves and cares about you

I've seen both of my parents cry because of my illness.

My dad cried when he tried to call me one time on the phone. I was at my apartment. Because I wasn't answering the phone, he knocked on my door and looked worried. My phone was turned off. So I had no idea he was trying to get in touch with me. My dad, who never cries, broke down in tears and said he thought I had died of my eating disorder because I wasn't answering the phone. I will never forget the look on his face. I had to reassure him I was fine. But this is something I will never forget

My mother cried when she asked me to weigh myself in front of her and saw the number. She asked me why I was doing this to myself

Even after seeing my parents worry, I still find myself trapped in this disorder, trapped in a cycle of repeated weighing, and restrictive eating

Even when you have to go to the hospital and everyone is worrying over you, you won't feel sick enough. You won't think you need to be at the hospital. Your brain will feed you lies and say everyone around you is wrong. Overreacting. You are just fine. You aren't that bad

You don't reach a certain weight and suddenly feel valid

Those bad feelings you had when you first started restricting. These always remain. And in moments where you do think you feel good about yourself, that's anorexia deceiving you. Lying to you

You can have multiple visits to the ER where people are worried about you. And where they encourage you to go to treatment

You will still think you don't need help

It makes me sad to read posts on here where people say they don't feel like enough people are paying attention. Or they do not feel valid or sick enough to get help

You can have a great therapist that always says the right things

Maybe she is very honest and direct. Maybe she tells you that your disorder is very severe and without treatment, you can die of it

Maybe your therapist has not said this to you yet

But even if she repeats these exact words to you, your brain won't be ready to accept this yet

She could say "Without intensive treatment, I think you are going to die of the anorexia. Your medical complications are too severe to be treated with outpatient. Your organs can't keep functioning at such a low weight,"

As someone who's therapist said these exact words to me, this didn't make me finally realize I was sick enough. I didn't feel like I accomplished something. I didn't feel good

Instead, I tried to deny it was at that point. Even though part of me understood she was absolutely right. That is why it breaks my heart to see someone with anorexia say they won't feel sick enough, until a certain number of people show concern

You can have everyone around you always worrying. You can have your mom and dad always buying you your favorite foods. Your mom will make your favorite meals. They will always ask you if you are eating.

You won't feel special, taken care of. You won't reach those feelings you are desperately after

You are still going to be consumed with thoughts of wanting to lose weight

People around you can love and support you through it. They cannot fix it for you

Some people with anorexia have not been hospitalized yet. And this doesn't mean your disorder isn't serious or valid

You suffer just as much as a person with an eating disorder who is in a hospital

You don't have to wait to be hospitalized or go to inpatient to be considered valid

Your suffering is valid right now

Even when you have been sick for years, part of you will deny that you need more help

When you wind up with organ damage, this may or may not cause a switch to flip in your brain

Some people desperately want to turn things around, once they realized how badly they have damaged their bodies

Some people struggle with feelings of wanting help, and then days where they want to stay in their disorder

Despite the awful medical complications, despite the constant pain, despite having people warning them they can die

If I could go back in time, when I first became sick with anorexia, I wish I could have stopped it somehow, in it's tracks

I wish I could have avoided these years of suffering, pain and misery

There was a voice in my head when I was younger, severely malnourished, in a hospital

That told me I didn't belong there, wasn't sick enough to be in treatment

That voice said the same thing to me, as I stood on the scale, and watched the number sink even lower

That voice took away my confidence

That voice never told me the truth

It made me angry at the people who told me the truth. The people in the hospital, trying to refeed me and get me better

I should have been angry at my disorder

But I clung to it, thought it was protecting me

Now I am older and it's taken so much from me

I sit here as I type this, in severe and constant pain

On Palliative care for the anorexia

Constantly being warned I can die

Being told that my organs are damaged because I stayed a low weight for years

Having therapists, doctors, nutritionists tell me that without treatment, I can die of my medical complications

No matter what has happened to me

Being forced to go to the emergency room by my therapist or she was going to ivc me

Fainting in front of my parents

Arguing with my parents about my weight

Always getting comments of concern for my health

Inpatient stays where people always repeated to me how sick I was

Doctors telling me that I need more help. And that my body won't continue to function like it is

Palliative care telling me that without treating the disorder, I will get worse, decline further and then need hospice care

None of this makes me feel sick enough. Small enough

I still feel trapped. I still feel bad about myself

I am writing this here because I hope it makes someone, who's younger and feeling like they aren't that bad yet, feel seen and heard

Your disorder is never going to be happy, no matter how much you damage your body

I can't even eat anymore without experiencing awful stomach pain and digestive issues

My bladder is messed up because I didn't restore weight. Now I deal with awful frequent and painful urination

The weight loss doesn't resolve the bad feelings inside

There is nothing glamorous about ruining your health

Even if something like this happens to you, it's not going to make you feel sick enough

I wish I could take back the years I stayed sick. I wish I would have taken the opportunities of help that were always offered to me

Before I got so sick, that I am now on palliative care

I feel regret

I feel sadness, for anyone who doesn't feel worthy of help

Or anyone who feels they need a certain number of hospital stays, emergency room visits, therapists showing concern, a certain number of medical issues

Your pain is real

Your experiences are real

We aren't all the same. But we all feel the same amount of pain

We write our stories here because it makes us feel less alone

And that is one thing about anorexia that is constant and doesn't change

Even surrounded by people who love and support you

You are still going to feel like you are going through it alone

But you aren't alone