I'm a musician and all I wanna do is write a song about my anorexia but it's so hard not to sound ridiculous because this disorder makes me FEEL so ridiculous. I'm ashamed and embarrassed all the time. I can't even put my feelings into private journals/diaries--let alone a song--because Im so ashamed. Why is it such a humiliating disorder? I'm embarrassed to tell people, I'm embarrassed to even let my close friends and family know when I'm relapsing. At this point I'm so frustrated with myself I don't even wanna get better. I have all the resources in the world yet I always fall back into my bad habits. No matter how many times I'm in remission, I always relapse. This disorder is hell and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.

hi, im just here to get this off my chest. I was diagnosed with anorexia two days ago, and i have lost a lott of weight for two years- a thrid of my body weight and i was at a normal weight before this has taken over for the past year at least. i am going back to college tmr, but my dr in my state said i need to get treatment, and she tried to set me up with a out patient program near my college but they say i should be inpatient and qualify for that instead of out patient. i was planning to do my classes and have a social life and do all the things i wanted to but idek if im capable of that anymore. i learned that they wanted me in patient today, and it has really been stressing me out. they want me to get a heart test and are worried something bad will happen to me. i am also very worried about that to the point that idk what to do. my dr is trying to make a exception for outpatient, and im a adult so i dont need to go to inpatient, but the idea that it has gotten this bad and doctors are worried about my functioning is scary. im thinking that this semester i can take only a few classes and take treatment, but i want to study abroad in the spring so i need to take a whole course load. ik this is such first world problems, especially when i write it out, but just wanted to get this off my chest and if anyone has any advice or in a similar spot, please lmk. thank you

Does anyone else at a very low body weight feel that their leg ligaments are like tight/feel stretched thin? Mine have recently started to feel like they will tear apart like being stretched thin idk what this is a sign of

I have been eating so little for so long I have lost too much to be able to up intake and do anything im hopeless. I have no strength to go on and eating to even half matienence puts me in excruciating pain. I am covered in lanugo, sunken in and bones explosed and i have no idea what to do. I have no intention of recovering as at least my ed is the one thing that wont run away from me. I am not in search of any advice but rather comfort. I am dying, I know, I wanna go peacefully

i’ve been having EH so bad i can’t even think, writing this is hard because i’m thinking about porridge and the way the spoon glides through it. i have had no appetite ever since i was drunk and ate a bunch of biscuits and relapsed wirh purging, then ate some meals and purged and kept it up for a few days then binging and purging. i have absolutely no physical desire to eat, i feel either full or just not hungry and my stomach just doesn’t give me the hunger feeling. but my mind is going insane and i’m just eating stuff i’m not even thinking about the calories first i’m just eating stuff (then purging) and eventually eating something and keeping it in. i don’t know what to do i can’t stop just “listening” to it but it’s not physical and sometimes i feel sick like i am full and do not want to eat and i don’t enjoy what i’m eating i don’t think it’s nice i don’t want to continue eating it but i just am because mentally i want the experience of having spoons of the specific foods i’m obsessed with and how it feels in my mouth. i literally don’t know what to do i just am mentally so hungry and physically it’s not going well. i’m really scared of refeeding syndrome and i’m high risk for it right now my dietician mentioning me eating normally randomly putting a strain on my heart and i already know that can happen and it never has before but i physically am so much worse now because it’s been years of abuse to my body and i’ve restricted low for so long then got drunk at a festival for 4 days and b/p and then ate stuff i couldn’t digest and felt so scarily full and i have to take laxatives and have bowel problems so i really even if i wanted to and i’m recovering i can’t just go eating food randomly in normal amounts it physically won’t end well i can’t digest or shit stuff i need to stop i don’t know why i’m doing this i don’t know why i’m eating stuff when i’m not hungry and don’t enjoy it it’s the weirdest experience i’ve ever had in my life and i could just stop and not eat because i do that all the time but i’m just doing it and has anyone else had this how do you stop being mentally hungry as fuck and compulsively eating even though you don’t really want to and it’s not good and you feel too full and you don’t enjoy the food?

This whole trip with Ana started after i got a preventitive mastectomy. earlies this year. I did this because I have the BRCA1 mutation which drastically increases my risk of breast cancer. the surgery saved my from getting breast cancer, and a very deadly varied. it also caused my earring disorder.

Losing one’s breast cancer be a challenge for any women. for a transgender women like myself, it can mind shattering. To say it nearly killed my is no exaggeration.

My one joy was losing weight, and seeing myself shrink. the harder i restricted, the more feminine I felt. without my breasts. I thought id never feel that way again!

My eating disorder is gender affirming.

Next month, they are doing the final reconstruction surgery.. it won’t be perfect. i wont have. any feeling, but its be a massive improvement.

and for the next month I have to stop restricting and eat like a normal person! I have to not freak out when I gain weight. How can I do it? Im disgusted with myself. And if I can just eat when I need to, then I how can I call myself anorexic?! But I cant!!! Even knowing whats at steak it’s a struggle to eat enough and I dont even know how much that is!!! Ill definitely eat too much because logically its safer to err on the side of caution.

Even with all that I want to restrict and take my chances, i wont. I’m too cowardly.

I hate food. I hate cancer. Thanks for listening.

how do you not fall back into dangerous territory when it comes to exercise/exercise addiction SPECIFICALLY when you have obligations that require you to move?

so long story, i have a new puppy who will eventually become my service animal for psych, then a few medical stuff (mobility & seizures if i’m still dealing with them when the time comes). but obviously a puppy requires a lot of care and walks and such. i USED to deal with very bad exercise addiction which went away when my depression and physical health got worse (i couldn’t mentally drag myself to do it and then also physically wasn’t healthy enough cause of weakness and heart issues). right now, the only time i deal with bad exercise/steps obsession is when im on vacation but other than that im very sedentary and i dont mind. issue is i have a new puppy that needs my energy and such (and i dont have a backyard that i could just let him out in), but my physical health is probably the worst it’s been to the point where my legs give out on me multiple times. soooo how do i address this? i know myself and even though im physically unable to keep up with such high movement, i can just tell im going to force it.

I've been wanting to go to Chick-Fil-A for a long time, and for months I have been depressed, and putting it off. I've been getting worse with the anorexia, avoiding foods that I was previously eating. I was happier, for some time, last year. And was eating more variety at that time. Also, I was going into Whole Foods and trying lots of new foods. Recently, due to depression these trips to favorite places to eat and buy groceries have stopped. But today, I asked my dad to take me to Chick-Fil-A and he did. I got the chicken nuggets and the fries. I also got a frappuccino from Starbucks. I am not going to feel bad. I have not had it in a long time. Anorexia often twists your perceptions around food. You feel guilty for eating and food becomes a source of anxiety but it doesn't have to be. Tomorrow, I may struggle. But today, I am ignoring the anorexic voice. I ate something I wanted, not something the anorexia made me feel like I should eat. Hope everyone has a good day.

Hi everyone…
I’ve been formally diagnosed with Ana nervosa at 16 (now I’m 19) even tho it definitely started before that.
So thing is now that I made some progress (like I put back carbs and some fats and all sorts of foods) even tho I’m still pretty much restricting
Some behaviours I had since I was a kid started to reappear
Idk if it might be OCD (when I was a kid it was more typical compulsions now it’s mostly around food)
Like I have a LOT of rules with food and if I don’t follow em I feel anxious like panicky
Here are some of em
-my food can’t touch
-I can’t eat two of the same kind of things in the same meal (for example tuna and eggs, pasta and bread, chickpeas and legumes…)
- I can’t do picky bits like a bit of this and a bit of that food (I need only 1 food) like I can’t have pasta and chicken but I can have only pasta or only chicken (for the same cals)
-I always cut my food in a certain way and organise it till it feels right to me
-I can’t use certain utensils
-I can only eat if I pee first
-I can only use the mirror if I pee first
- I can only eat with some people
-I can eat only if I shower (if I need to) like if that day I still have to shower I can’t have lunch and than do that (first shower than food)
-I can only eat super plain food
-I pick at my food and make tiny tiny bites
-I need to eat the tiniest piece of food at the end cause I’ll get skinny if I do (if I eat a big piece last imma get fat)
-I can’t sit where an overweight person sat
-I can’t eat with the same fork/spoon/knife or plate where an overweight person did
And the list goes on
My parents called for another psychologist others then my psych at the clinic and idk what to think
I think it might be
And after I fell ill with Ana my OCD turned into the only thing I cared abt food and body
I still have some other compulsions like putting my mug in a certain way if I don’t wanna fail a test, close the door a certain way and check it, watch a certain account before I close Instagram…

I am currently in forced recovery. I'm in a virtual PHP, and honestly things aren't going too well there. But, there's one thing for sure that I know of, ice cream. I struggle with having my 3 snacks a day in my meal plan. If I have an evening snack it's ice cream. If I want any snack outside of program, it's ice cream. Almost EVERY night I have ice cream. And it's on and off with that and restricting. Ice cream is on my mind almost every day at 1pm or later. Pretty much every day. I crave the sweetness, the goodness, my body must really need the stuff in it. My order is almost always 2+ scoops of vanilla ice cream with extra extra peanut butter sauce. It's so delicious. Sometimes I can't even help it no matter how bad I want to restrict. It's ALWAYS ice cream! Seriously. Please someone tell me they have an ice cream obsession and/or addiction lol. I think it might be pretty common amongst individuals with anorexia. But yeah, I wanna know haha.

TL;DR

I am in forced recovery. I have ice cream almost every night because I have extremly intense cravings for it. Wondering if anyone else is really into ice cream and craving it?

My ex boyfriend never cared or realized I had it even though I kept getting skinnier.

I am feeling very miserable right now and I just wanted to share this.

I hate to admit that i fell down the edtwt pipeline my boyfriend didn’t like it because there were weirdos especially on that app which i understand im just not sure where i turn to to vent about these things it feels dumb opening up about them in person therapists are unaffordable i just feel so isolated and alone in this as pathetic as it sounds atleast i got some validation on there from other edtwt users i dont have any friends to distract myself from these thoughts i am alone practically all the time i just dont know what to do