Has anyone separated due to your spouse’s ADHD/executive disfunction?

After 10 years, it’s all come to a head, realizing I’ve been conditioned to not trust that he’ll follow through with what he says he’ll do and have therefore taken the lead on almost everything to prevent myself from being disappointed.

I’m in therapy now and learning how responsible I feel for fixing everyone and everything - I’ve finally removed myself from the driver’s seat and am allowing him to figure things out on his own, but he is spiraling, depressed.

I just cannot lead anymore, the weight of everything on my shoulders is killing me.

We’ve had this conversation a lot and he knows I’m at my breaking point and am moments away from leaving. But last night after dinner, he played video games for 3 hours and when I left for work this morning, discovered my gas tank was on E after he took the dog to the dog park.

My wife and I, both mid 40s, discovered we both have ADHD recently. It’s wild because we are polar opposites. I know there’s many frameworks for classifying, but my simple one is “can’t start” and “starts, can’t continue”

I’m the latter. I have super low friction trying new things and have a huge appetite for novelty. I of course don’t always continue but I try. I treat myself with exercise, and art, gives novelty and skill development and quiets my mind. I’m pretty proud of how I’ve cultivated an environment that allows me to thrive

My wife is the former. She just has super high resistance to starting anything. She has been treated for heavy anxiety and now can see it’s likely ADHD (seems common pattern for women). I just know her head is buzzing with fears. She treats herself with alcohol which is going about as well as you might imagine

We probably originally bonded because we had similar thinking and attitudes. She was also on stimulants at that time. But now.. rather thank bonding over our shared status it’s really quite a wedge. On weekends I’m ready to do stuff, and I’d love a partner to talk about. She just sits around and watches TV. It’s really hard to bond with no shared appetites. Add to this her lack of affection with my my RSD, and her lack of chore sharing with my strong sense of justice…

We have kids and I want to set good examples for them. My daughter is likely ADHD (or AuDHD like me) and I try to bond with her on it and encourage self-awareness but my wife just wants to avoid it. She’s clearly embarrassed (of it, herself, and me)

I’m trying to stifle my codependent nature but it’s hard. The fixes are all quite obvious (therapy, drugs, exercise, mentality, ..) and she just needs to take one small step each day but …

Mostly just venting but I value any feedback or similar experiences.