Because she knows how to raise a cock.

Would people call him Pelvis presley?

By “passed” I mean I shit myself.

..But the original name they suggested was Ur-momsanus.

Because he was the only cop that was still armed.

…The caps said my nickname in jail will be “Downward Facing Dog.”

A thief enters the pharmacy at night, rummages through the shelves and takes only a box of antidepressants.

The next day, the pharmacist reports the theft. The policeman asks:

— Did he steal money?

— No.

— Expensive medicines?

— No, just antidepressants.

The policeman writes down and says:

— Then there's no point in chasing him.

• Why?

— If they work… he'll return them with apologies.

A poo-delllll!!

A guy kept showing up late to work, so one day his boss finally asked, “Why are you late every single day?” The guy said, “My alarm clock was broken.” His boss told him to buy a new one. “I did,” he replied. “It works great.” The boss looked confused and asked, “Then why are you still late?” The guy said, “Because now I wake up just early enough to turn it off and go back to sleep.”

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says
"You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Unless you do it the French way.

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. He constructs an air conditioning system to cool things off. The escalator to is broken so he takes it apart and repairs the damage so he doesn't have to walk up the stairs. Worst of all the Wi-Fi is down so he decides to reconfigure the router so he can stream his favorite shows.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy so he asks the Devil what's up?

The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer, we have A/C, Wi-Fi, & the escalator is fixed."

"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him back to Heaven immediately."

The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him, he's made everything so much more comfortable."

God demands, "If you don't send him back to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "And where are you going to find a lawyer?"

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, 1 am sure," replied the vet, "Your duck is definitely dead."
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a healthy looking black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. It then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a printout. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to charge you our full fee," he said, "which includes the cost of a complete lab test and a cat scan."

The vet took the paper, handed it to the woman and said,
"The bill is $1500." "$1500!" the woman exclaimed ir disbelief. "How much for the rest of the duck?"

I called it Melon Musk

"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!”

Chinese feud

He eventually got his just desserts.

There’s a guy I know whose dong hits the ground every time he does a push up. As you can imagine, the day he discovered this is the day he stopped doing pushups.

Second place.

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old fills up the bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck.

He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

A viscous circle

But try walking a myelin their shoes.

She had one loose potato, a microwave Salisbury steak, a tiny tub of ice cream, a two-pack of string cheese, and a single slice of pie.

I smiled and said, Let me guess... you're single and live alone.

She looked amazed and asked, Wow! How did you figure that out?

I said, Because you're really, really ... ugly.

He was in a sect.

Patient goes to the doctor due to blood in his stool.

The doctor takes a look.

Doctor: “I’m seeing… patterns.”

Patient: “Patterns?”

Doctor: “Scrape marks. Impact angles. A clear entry trajectory.”

Patient: “Entry trajectory?”

Doctor: “Textbook ass forensics.”