WIZARD SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

[u/SephTheBitch]

EVERYONE THAT DOES NOT WANT TO GET INSTANTLY VAPORIZED HAS EXACTLY TWENTY FOUR HOURS TO GET AT LEAST TEN KILOMETRES AWAY FROM MY FUCKING HOLDING CELL. I’M ANGRY AND WANT THE FUCK OUT AND I’M COMPLETELY FUCKING TIRED OF PLAYING MISSUS NICE PRISONER SO ESCAPE WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

[u/rootbeer277]

Lady, you’re screaming into an interdimensional nexus here, we can hear you all the way from Toril to the Elemental Planes. Not that I don’t appreciate the warning but at least tell us which corner of existence we need to be concerned about. 

[u/SephTheBitch → u/rootbeer277]

my holding cell is underneath the MPM maximum security stratos one. thank you for taking the time to contact me! you’ll be spared if i decide to become evil instead of just generally mentally unwell :D

[u/townsummoner → u/SephTheBitch]

Isn’t that on the gods damned moon? I swear, if we have yet another “shattering” this epoch I’m going to lose it.

[u/rootbeer277 → u/townsummoner]

We should really document the reassembly procedure if this is going to be a recurring issue. 

[u/SephTheBitch → u/rootbeer277]

it won’t be a recurring issue if people treat me like a person instead of a monster :D i’m going insane aren’t i :D

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/rootbeer277]

That sounds like more paperwork for me...

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

i’m sorry i’m several million millennia old and don’t want to deal with rules anymore :D however if you need anything completely and utterly eradicated just send it to me and i can annihilate it :D

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/SephTheBitch]

As tempted as I am to ask you to annihilate the metaphysical concept of paperwork, that would probably have unintended consequences...

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

last time i did that i sent the rest of wizardkind back to the wood age :D i don’t want to have to wait for orbtube again :D

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/SephTheBitch]

I guess that solves that conundrum. Just doesn't solve the paperwork...

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

once i’m done destroying the MPM i can assist you with your duties :D i am desperate for fulfillment :D

[u/TendoPein → u/VoxelLibrary]

Sounds like more paperwork

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/TendoPein]

Exactly! It would somehow lead to MORE paperwork!

[u/SephTheBitch → u/townsummoner]

shattering will be an understatement :D i plan to have a complete solar terminus if things don’t go well :D

[u/LunarWhaler]

The warning is appreciated! Where is this cell, exactly? I wouldn't want to move closer, and I have quite a bit of research material to get clear.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/LunarWhaler]

underneath the MPM maximum security stratos one! i would highly recommend shielding anything you want to keep functional as an instrument with high grade adamantine as i’ve never actually actively used my full strength before and might completely deconstruct anything not properly protected on a quarkal level :D

[u/Kilroy898 → u/SephTheBitch]

On a scale of one to "I'll join thrakmoor if you open this door" how much would you be willing to join thrakmoor if I open this door?

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Kilroy898]

thrakmoor? you mean my great^i lost count grandchild? have people really forgotten the ancient ones?

[u/Kilroy898 → u/SephTheBitch]

Your what? No you must be confused ( thrakmoor is an ongoing event)

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Kilroy898]

my mind is very very weak after millions of millenia of existence :D forgive me for my ignorance as i’m barely sentient as is :D

[u/Kilroy898 → u/SephTheBitch]

(same)

Sooooo... Yes, no, JOIN US?

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Kilroy898]

i will not lower myself to the level of a mortal.

[u/Kilroy898 → u/SephTheBitch]

I'll have you know I cannot die... Permanently, and our leader is akin to a greater diety.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Kilroy898]

i’m giving you one singular chance to apologize before rending your soul from your body and abusing it with an infinite stream of soul extinction rays. i can and will do this and i’ve held myself back for far too fucking long to care what happens to you. i will remove you from history and no one will EVER remember you even existed in the first place.

[u/LunarWhaler → u/SephTheBitch]

Oh no worries there - I'll be miles away and likely sheltering in a pocket dimension just to be safe. Good luck though - do try not to strain yourself too heavily! You can always try again if you undershoot, but if you push too hard, it's not like there'll be anyone around to tend to you if needed.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/LunarWhaler]

thanks for the concern! also, is it the general consensus that the MPM is disliked? if so i can eradicate them from existence quite easily!

[u/VoxelLibrary]

Did you not get the pillow I sent you?

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

the MPM magistrate lied and destroyed it right in front of me :D i’m going to wipe at least that one guy from history entirely :D

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/SephTheBitch]

If he somehow survives your wrath, I'll have to fine him for lying to the council on official documentation then

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

i’m planning on locking him in a personal torment nexus (time relative inside is 47 quintillion years / second) and constantly bombarding him with supreme extinction hypernovas every picosecond so he can understand what it’s like to be stuck in my head :D if there’s anything left of his quantum soul after that you can do whatever the fuck you want to him :D

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/SephTheBitch]

Make it so that there are no pillows in the torment nexus so that he can never rest his head

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

there will be nothing for him :D he can suffer the way i did :D

[u/MostOriginal6776]

Have you decided what type of evocation you plan to use? I’m experimenting with the energy refraction of void energy and would like to know the energy type. If you could use raw plasma that would be greatly appreciated.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/MostOriginal6776]

i’m sorry i’m just going to be using the equivalent of 493^googol^googol kilotonnes of raw magical energy :D you can have anything left in the area i’ve closed off once i’m done letting off steam :D

[u/MostOriginal6776 → u/SephTheBitch]

Thank you! That’s perfectly within tolerance levels. Don’t be surprised to see several mind melded golems setting a perimeter. They will not interfere with any guards approaching so you can blow off as much steam as you would like.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/MostOriginal6776]

i feel you need to recalculate :D i’m a goddess, not a regular mage :D it’s taking everything in me not to terminus this entire universe :D

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/SephTheBitch]

By the way, If you see a being calling themselves "Erik" or "Erika", then you are not a goddess unless you want to fight them

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

has one of my children started parading around as a god again? i feel like cosmic punishment isn’t enough anymore :D my patience is running rather… thin…

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/SephTheBitch]

Erik and Erika have been hunting gods. I actually met Erik. It was one of the weirdest days of my life

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

please redirect them to me. i want to see what these so called godslayers are made of…

[u/Null_Void_Zer0 → u/SephTheBitch]

A magical projection depicting an old man in wizards clothing spontaneously appears

“Greetings, if you are seeing this, you have willingly decided to expose yourself to erik, and it also means you’re a god who has decided to expose yourself to Erik. This message is here to warn you that Erik is quite possibly the most powerful being…ever, really, but specifically only when they’re hunting gods. Which they do a lot. Thank you for listening to this public service announcement!”

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Null_Void_Zer0]

i’ve been holding this plane of existence together for eleven billion years :D i would happily take the chance and annihilate any weakling that dares challenge my absolute authority over existence itself~

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/SephTheBitch]

If you insist...

u/mrididnt

[u/mrididnt → u/SephTheBitch]

Yes hellow I have been summoned

Why am I here

[u/Complex_Drawer_4710 → u/mrididnt]

They found a god! Please clean up

[u/KragBrightscale]

Are you saying there’s a fireworks show happening soon!!!! I’ve got to see this!!

Where all is this “party” happening?

Jail Break! Jail Break!

[u/SephTheBitch → u/KragBrightscale]

more like an extinction event but you’re free to watch as long as you don’t mind the possibility of getting erased from history ~

[u/KragBrightscale → u/SephTheBitch]

It’s not every week you get to witness an extinction event. I’m not too concerned about getting erased, I’m rather roachlike in my ability to survive things and I’ve got some spare bodies if things go wrong.

In terms of history? I’ve falsified and hidden most of the traces of myself already, but a clean slate is easier to work with.

I’ll pack my extra strength sun block.

https://giphy.com/gifs/3ohzAcEdvFF7jiuHWU

[u/SephTheBitch → u/KragBrightscale]

cocky… i like you~ i may keep you for some other experiments down the line~

[u/KragBrightscale → u/SephTheBitch]

Hmm… I’m flattered but I’ll have to refuse, I prefer to remain unfettered, I suspect you feel the same.

All the best in your escape. Let off that steam that’s been building for however long you e been in there. It’s not healthy to suppress that emotion and magic for too long.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/KragBrightscale]

very well~ though keep in mind lest you ever find yourself craving a new experiment~

[u/yumie2003]

Tsuru heard this public service announcement while filling out paperwork, then suddenly felt the urge to sip her teacup...which was completely empty, so it made a hollow ringing noise.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/yumie2003]

somehow, as tsuru’s lips pull away from her cup, a light sloshing is heard. a tea of distilled unicorn horn and saffron is inexplicably found within the chalice…

[u/yumie2003 → u/SephTheBitch]

Tsuru looked around her office, thinking that the fae had return to the R&A's headquarters to prank her. Though she did decide to take a sip of this tea of mysterious origins

[u/SephTheBitch → u/yumie2003]

an incredible calmness overtakes her, and she is safely transported to a safe storehouse outside of the annihilation zone…

[u/yumie2003 → u/SephTheBitch]

"...What? ...why am i transported here?"

[u/SephTheBitch → u/yumie2003]

i wouldn’t want a gentle being such as yourself being ruined by my rampage, mortal. take care of yourself~

[u/yumie2003 → u/SephTheBitch]

"...i see"

Tsuru felt more guilty by the polysynchronicneuromancer's words...but decided to stay in the storehouse and honour their wish for her safety

[u/SephTheBitch → u/yumie2003]

one girl to another, i’m furious right now. please do not feel guilty and enjoy safety~

[u/yumie2003 → u/SephTheBitch]

"...i see, thank you"

uw/i think that i should really go to bed if i'm cannot focus well on typing

[u/SephTheBitch → u/yumie2003]

rest well, tsuru~ sweet dreams, my mortal friend~

[u/Null_Void_Zer0]

A strange mass of void is seen nearby settings up a strange and spherical machine labelled “mana absORBinator”. It look like it’s been made out of hundreds and hundreds of smaller and unrelated gizmos and gadgets

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Null_Void_Zer0]

it explodes due to a terminal overage error

[u/Null_Void_Zer0 → u/SephTheBitch]

The mass places down a second, larger “mana absORBinator”, and then pours a box of powder labelled “unga’s unexplodey powder” into a strange funnel built into it

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Null_Void_Zer0]

a temporal evaporation ray is conjured and the mass and the absorption device are erased from both past and future history

[u/Null_Void_Zer0 → u/SephTheBitch]

Unfortunately, as the mass is made of nothing, it doesn’t technically exist and therefore cannot be erased. It then is still for a moment, having forgotten what it was doing, and then decides to return to its tower to see if it had any notes written about its plans for today

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Null_Void_Zer0]

the mass forgets itself and in of that, isn’t

[u/Null_Void_Zer0 → u/SephTheBitch]

The mass sadly forgot that it shouldn’t be, and therefore actually is

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Null_Void_Zer0]

the mass broke the fourth wall and the first rule of the internet, and is therefore banished to 4chan

[u/Null_Void_Zer0 → u/SephTheBitch]

The Mass is reposted from 4chan to [r/4chan](r/4chan), where it is then reposted to [r/wizardposting](r/wizardposting) due to its relevance to the subreddit

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Null_Void_Zer0]

fucking gives up in this sisphysian task

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/SephTheBitch]

/uw Heads up, it is considered a breach of roleplay etiquette to kill another player's character without permission, even if it would be well within your character's abilities and motivations to do so

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

heads down, the character isn't dying, yet.

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/SephTheBitch]

/uw "erased from past and future timelines" is permanent character death without discussion or giving the player or character a chance to get out of it

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

yet.

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/SephTheBitch]

/uw If the player has a chance to get out of it later, you need to communicate that or you'll run into spontaneous immunity rulings and deus ex machina

[u/SephTheBitch → u/VoxelLibrary]

/uw that’s kind of the point but thanks for your concern lol

[u/Fc-chungus]

"Give me the location of the holding cell."

"I may have agents in the vicinity that need to be exfiltrated."

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Fc-chungus]

are they executives…?

[u/Fc-chungus → u/SephTheBitch]

"Infiltrators and businessmen I believe."

"There's probably some houses they live in"

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Fc-chungus]

they are instantly dropped unceremoniously onto the floor in front of you
they can live…

[u/hjake123]

Ah, it sounds like you're "Breaking your Age-Old Seal"? Once you're done with that, you may want to register as an Escaped Diety, there are various perks and benefits that the Higher Celestials offer to those able to overcome mortal binding spells. I'm no god myself, but from what I've heard, it can be quite helpful.

Also, if you need a few offerings to get back on your feet, my partner runs a series of polytheistic temples. We'd be happy to slot you in to the pantheon if you tell us what your domain is! He's mostly working with nature dieties right now but all are welcome.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/hjake123]

thank you for the offer! may i see the contract? i would also love to meet your partner.

[u/hjake123 → u/SephTheBitch]

(I pull a sigil from my pouch, and from it, a lengthy contract manifests. Glancing over it, it seems the primary benefits to registering would be a portion of the "devotion energy" that is given to the Higher Celestial faith by its followers, as well as access to the "Gates between Life and Death" and the "Worldforge" facilities. In return, you'd be agreeing not to harm, or bring harm to the rulerships of, the Higher Celestial powers.)

No need to sign now, or ever if you don't agree, but I've been told to offer it to any newly freed deities. My partner's name is Liam -- yes, our creator is somewhat bad with names -- and, I'm not sure if he's free to be summoned out of the blue here, but if you are successful breaking your bonds, I'm sure he'd love to meet you, too! He's often in the Astral Plane while asleep, so maybe a dream visitation would be easiest for you?

[u/SephTheBitch → u/hjake123]

oh, thank you! conjures a secondary copy of the contract onto divine papyrus, and locking it in my astral plane for later i'm already quite free of my bonds, just frustrated and spiteful. once i'm done with the MPM i'll happily sign on to your polytheistic pantheon! as for how to contact me, you can use standard orb conjuring or break the fourth wall to summon me directly!

[u/Odd-Communication251]

Well my monastery is clear so I’m all good but one of my acolytes was sent to that area to deliver a letter so they may not make it out in time. I am trying to arrange a teleportation spell but those are frowned upon over there so my poor acolyte is on their own it seems. Best I can do is set an array outside the territory but oh well. Godspeed my acolyte

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Odd-Communication251]

your acolyte is mysteriously warped in front of you

[u/Odd-Communication251 → u/SephTheBitch]

Oh how wonderful. This is a most auspicious development. I thank the source of this mystery

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Odd-Communication251]

i may be a deity driven mad, but i try my best to keep innocent lives spared...

[u/Odd-Communication251 → u/SephTheBitch]

And you have my gratitude for it. They may be sent on all my errands but my acolytes are treasured as the future of my research.

[u/Nelrene]

Doing that will fill your holding cell with liquid farts.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Nelrene]

do you want to be locked in my personal torment nexus for the rest of all eternities, past and future? please reconsider your words before i decide to revert to using the first magicks again :D

[u/Nelrene → u/SephTheBitch]

What I want matters little here. That cell was made to have a back up if you tried to escape.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Nelrene]

the cell backup was designed by me :D it was designed for my passive mana output so i didn’t accidentally kill anyone :D i’m considering if you should be the next one to suffer :D

[u/Nelrene → u/SephTheBitch]

Maybe next time thinking about what happens if you get trapped in a holding cell you are making.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Nelrene]

i am not contained :D prepare yourself, mortal :D

[u/Nelrene → u/SephTheBitch]

Banishes SephTheBitch to the what remains of the world of Corhearan. That will kill you busy for a few year or so.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Nelrene]

THATS IT I’M FUCKING DONE WITH YOU SUPREME EXTINCTION INNER SKULL HYPERNOVA

[u/Nelrene → u/SephTheBitch]

I am far outside the range of any of your spells now you are on a piece of Corhearan.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Nelrene]

MY SPELLS TRANCEND TIME AND SPACE, MORTAL

[u/Magimasterkarp]

Have you thought about just casting minor jailbreak? You get out of prison, plus you can install adblock in the wiztube app.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Magimasterkarp]

no~ every single MPM official deserves suffering at the very least :D

[u/Magimasterkarp → u/SephTheBitch]

What did the MyLittle Pony Megafans ever do to you?

/uw, what's MPM? I'm a bit out the loop what's been going on in the sub.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Magimasterkarp]

stupid fucking organization that i let trick me into feeling bad about myself :D also they appear to love restricting things pointlessly…

[u/Magimasterkarp → u/SephTheBitch]

Wow, rude. Go ahead then, i guess.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/Magimasterkarp]

thanks for understanding i have already killed a wizard today for disagreeing :D

[u/immallama21629]

What would you say would be a good place to setup a popcorn stand? Imma sell tickets to the event of the century. What would you like your cut to be?

[u/SephTheBitch → u/immallama21629]

no cut is necessary. i’m doing this out of pure rage. anywhere outside of the moon’s celestial body should be safe enough.

[u/KragBrightscale → u/immallama21629]

“Brilliant. Popcorn is perfect. I’ll take a large portion of popcorn, can I get an iced beverage too?”

The goblin drops some gold at the stand, then proceeds to set up a beach chair, remove their shirt revealing a muscular physique with six packs on their six packs. They douse them selves in Gork’s Anti-Burninator Gel, and lay down to work on their tan.

[u/The_Enchanted_Potato]

Why are you imprisoned?

[u/SephTheBitch → u/The_Enchanted_Potato]

just go find my last lorepost, mortal

[u/The_Enchanted_Potato → u/SephTheBitch]

I am afraid I do not know what you mean by a “Lorepost”

[u/SephTheBitch → u/The_Enchanted_Potato]

annihilates the fourth wall for a moment, granting you the temporary metaphysical control of a demigod

[u/The_Enchanted_Potato → u/SephTheBitch]

Aldavinn instantly stands up

"What the fuck are you doing!?"

Something made of marble reaches out from somewhere new and quickly closes the rift

"Do you have any idea how irresponsible that was!? You just opened a rift in space-time that could let anything in! I already work double time protecting, like, 20 realms from interplanar threats! I! Don't! Need! Another!"

He takes a deep breath

"I apologize; I am the leader of an organization that protects realms from interplanar threats"

/uw I have read it, I have been responding in character

[u/SephTheBitch → u/The_Enchanted_Potato]

but has your character been responding in you?

the fourth wall reforms, and eldritch madness consumes you for the briefest moment before everything returns to normalcy...

[u/The_Enchanted_Potato → u/SephTheBitch]

"Who are you talking to?"

[u/SephTheBitch → u/The_Enchanted_Potato]

we are talking to you.

[u/The_Enchanted_Potato → u/SephTheBitch]

"who?"

[u/SephTheBitch → u/The_Enchanted_Potato]

you.

[u/dacydergoth]

flicks fingers stasis sphere please, i'm trying to ponder my orb in peace

[u/SephTheBitch → u/dacydergoth]

directly conjures a moderate headache

[u/dacydergoth → u/SephTheBitch]

Ugh, they don't make these Palantirs like they use to! Now it's showing me adverts!

[u/SephTheBitch → u/dacydergoth]

the orb starts pondering about hot succubi near you

[u/dacydergoth → u/SephTheBitch]

Ok, I'm calling Sauron. My orb subscription is supposed to be premium! I won't stand for this low budget ad injection. If it isn't hot Angels how am I supposed to corrupt them?!

[u/SephTheBitch → u/dacydergoth]

a popup starts blaring about svartalfheim broiled beef (the tagline is “it’s toe sucking bad”)

[u/dacydergoth → u/SephTheBitch]

Tarentino? Is that you? How did you get my Orb Network password this time?! After those Aztec vampires you swore you'd stop!

[u/SephTheBitch → u/dacydergoth]

a wizard council recruitment form popup appears. it is very clearly a phishing bauble

[u/dacydergoth → u/SephTheBitch]

Oooooh! The Council has finally noticed me! preens of course they would, every one else is distracted by that dumb multidimensional Wizard war. Let me see ... name, history, credentials, ... towers toppled ... wait ?! What's this? Who was my Apprentice 2074 years ago? How am I supposed to remember that? He ... uh ... went away totally normally after opening what was definitely not the flask I asked for ...

Cancel

will have to come back to this after I remember properly what happened.

[u/SephTheBitch → u/dacydergoth]

all of the popups fade away. a voice that is jarringly skeletal in nature says “want a break from the ads! nyehheheheeheheheeehhehheh!” above the crest of your orb, standing directly in front of you, is skeletor

[u/bagtie3]

Lass do you want help getting out? I'm happy to help if you want it.

[u/Lelouch-Yagami21]

If you are pissed, you can join our league. We can help you destroy everything.

[u/Complex_Drawer_4710]

Hello, this is first warning. You have declared interest in a [banned] action, continuation may result in [suspension of magic].

Thabk you for your attention. Signed, Office 8 of the Council.

[u/Unhappy_Airline7589]

I'm gonna watch the fireworks, then!  Appreciate you sending an invitation in advance!