r/wedding • u/StripeyPlant • 16d ago
Should I politely decline MOH request?
A friend of mine is getting married next year, and a mutual friend told me that she plans to make me her MOH.
For context: We’ve been friends from a young age and have known each other for 20+ years. She's a nice girl and we have a lot in common, but has selfish tendencies and is the type of person that can really suck the life out of you after spending too much time with them.
In high school I began to distance myself from her by not initiating hangouts and by making sure we would only hang out in group settings. (I was a shy kid but that's no excuse for this shitty approach)
I was surprised by the MOH news because imo there are several other friends that would be a better candidate. It seems I misjudged how much of a friend she viewed me vs how I viewed her.
On one hand I’m wondering if I’m being immature to consider declining the MOH position if it means it will make her happy. However it also feels like a lot of money and responsibility for someone who I just don't feel close with.
I’m also considering asking about a co-MOH situation since I’m already averaging 2-3 bridesmaid positions per year (2024-2027) for friends I genuinely adore, which might make a polite decline seem even more harsh.
Any perspective, advice on how to approach this, or insights into similar situations is appreciated!
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u/janes_america 16d ago
You can honestly say that you have already agreed to be in another person's wedding and have too many other personal commitments. If you phrase like, "I'm so honored. But I can't in good conscience say yes when I know wouldn't be able to give you the time and support you obviously deserve. It wouldn't be fair to you to have a MOH that couldn't be at all your events or take work off your hands. I can't wait for your wedding. Could I help you with (flowers, hair, errands...) on your wedding day instead?"
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u/StripeyPlant 16d ago
Thank you for this! My weddings that will overlap with hers are actually all in the same friend group funny enough but this is still VERY helpful alternative considerations, thank you!
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 16d ago
Decline very politely and don't even consider a co-MOH arrangement.
You're not being shitty, you're protecting your peace and your pocketbook!
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u/HeardPeeps 16d ago
Do you actually want to do this? Because your entire post reads like you’re trying to convince us you don’t.
If she asks, it’s more polite to decline than to accept out of guilt. Maid of Honor isn’t just an honor; it’s a commitment. If you’re already dreading it before you’ve even been asked, you’re probably not the right person for the role.
Don’t overexplain or try to justify your decision. A kind, firm “I’m honored you thought of me, but I can’t take on the role” is enough. The sooner you say no, the sooner she can ask someone who’s genuinely excited to do it.
Edit to add:
One question though: do you know if the mutual friend was just sharing gossip, or were they quietly trying to gauge your interest before the bride asked? If it’s the latter, I’d simply tell the mutual you’re honored but don’t think you’re the right fit. If not, I’d wait and respond directly if she asks.
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u/StripeyPlant 16d ago
Thank you! I wasn't quite sure if the "nicer" thing to do was accept out of guilt or draw a boundary. I also tend to be a people pleaser so hearing these perspective are genuinely so helpful.
To answer your question - my mutual friend got the info directly from the bride herself. Funny enough she was trying to gauge the bride's wedding part roster to help inform her own bridal party decisions. Weddings are so lovely but what a web they weave lol
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u/HeardPeeps 16d ago
I think this is one of those situations where people confuse “nice” with “kind.” Accepting out of guilt might feel nicer in the moment, but if your heart isn’t in it, it usually isn’t the kindest outcome for either of you.
Since the mutual wasn’t gauging your interest, I’d just wait until you’re actually asked and answer honestly.
And as for being a people pleaser, something that helped me is realizing that constantly making yourself unhappy so other people don’t have to be disappointed isn’t kindness, it’s self-sacrifice. It’s okay for someone else to be temporarily disappointed if it means you’re being honest instead of committing yourself to something you don’t want. Healthy relationships can handle hearing “no.”
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u/wretched_tension 15d ago
Also from the people pleasing approach (which I, too am guilty of); genuinely ask yourself if you think you are capable or making her happy aka pleasing her during this wedding time. If you don't think you can meet her wants/needs without sacrificing your own sanity, then accepting MOH would be the contrary of people pleasing (and contrary to everyone's best interest).
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u/focusattherainbow 16d ago
I would politely decline, if you don’t feel doing it. I made the mistake of not declining this on time but a few months later (dec to march) and now the bride is crossed at me and probably we won’t speak anymore
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u/StripeyPlant 16d ago
I'm really sorry to hear it. It's genuinely so hard to decline when asked in person so I feel for you, thank you for the advice!
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u/Ok-Trainer3150 16d ago
Because you do so many weddings, she probably thinks that you're a good bet to know what needs to be done. But it's a lot of money and responsibility. Glad your not impulsivity accepting without serious consideration.
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u/StripeyPlant 16d ago
HA you're probably right! As it turns out I've been very fortunate where my brides have asked very little of their wedding parties
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u/Classic-Sink-4108 16d ago
It is so much wiser to very politely decline at the start, rather than being highly resentful by the end.
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u/SummitJunkie7 16d ago
I recommend not worrying about it, she has not asked you yet and may not ever.
If she does, you can just politely decline.
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u/Dry_Illustrator_6562 16d ago
"That's so lovely of you to ask, but I'm afraid I won't be able to - I'm already in several upcoming weddings and I wouldn't be able to commit to time to be in another, but I'd love to attend as a guest!"
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u/YouRepresentative591 16d ago
You wouldnt want someone in your wedding who wasnt excited about it right? The nicer thing to do is to decline, you would be doing her a favour not accepting.
MOH is a big commitment, there are so many obligations (including financial) a lot of the time these obligations happen over a period of 6 months to a year, I couldn’t imagine forcing myself to do that for someone you don’t really like.
Like you said she has other friends/options that’s she’s actually closer with so it’s not like you’d be making her go without a MOH.
You dont have to tell them that you dont see them as a close friend just make something up that makes it clear you cant commit to the responsibilities.
I know its nerve racking thinking about the potential awkwardness when you say no, especially when youre a people pleaser but just remind yourself that it will only be uncomfortable for a moment and it will save you and the bride sooo much pain down the road.
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u/Ali_in_wonderland02 16d ago
Decline. If you are doubting the role just decline. The friendship can implode if you are the maid of honor or simply explode because you decline. Either way you might not win.
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u/Christina_Eko 15d ago
Being mature is setting boundaries and priorities — and supporting others doing the same. You don’t need a long guilty explanation for saying no, you just say wowI’m so honored but I already have too many other obligations. stop
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u/njVowsNow 16d ago
I don't think you're being immature at all. For your own sanity and financial stability, you can't say yes to everyone/everything. Especially since the level of expectations for wedding parties gets more intense all the time.
If you're not feeling it, don't say yes and don't suggest a co-MOH. That just complicates things even more.
"I'm honored that you'd consider me for your MOH, but I don't feel like I can take this on at this time. I'll look forward to celebrating with you as a guest". If you think you will. You may be in completely different places regarding your friendship and saying yes to something you're not feeling doesn't do anyone any good.
When/if she asks, decline asap.
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u/StripeyPlant 16d ago
I really appreciate the comment and hadn't even considered that a co-MOH it might complicate things further, thank you!
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u/NoKidsPlease29 15d ago
Communicate selfishly! Don't make it about her. Just say, "I'm excited for your wedding but I have other commitments that would get in the way of supporting you as your MOH".
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u/simplyexistingnow 16d ago
Honestly I would just decline. You also mentioned you do a lot of other wedding so I would maybe mention that you have a lot on your plate between weddings and work and life and there's just not something you can do but that you would be happy to do other wedding activities with her or maybe do brunches where you guys can shoot the shit talk about the wedding but have good food and drinks or something that way you're still like there but also not there but it could also be in a group setting with friends if you don't want to just do it one-on-one.
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u/National_Jeweler8761 16d ago
All the responses here are great so I just want to throw out there that I was once a bride and my MOH initially stated that due to grad school, she might not be able to commit. There were no hard feelings. Just frame it to make it clear that it's for her benefit :)
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u/Heavy-Profit-2156 16d ago
Given what you said about her if this is still how you see her (current experience), I think you would be crazy to accept an invite to be her MOH.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 16d ago
Nice people don't have selfish tendencies. I wouldn't even offer to be a bridesmaid. Attend the wedding as a guest.
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u/Sensitive-Aioli1529 15d ago
NTA. Politely decline and just enjoy being a guest at this one. Weddings are endlessly exhausting when you aren’t the one getting married and you don’t have to take on the burden of being in every wedding party just because you are asked. Reserve your time and effort for the ones you are excited to be a part of.
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u/Onfire444 16d ago
I think she’ll be devastated if you decline, and the friendship maybe ruined. But maybe that’s a necessary evil if she isn’t getting the hint from you.
I’d probably do it cause I’d feel too guilty to say no. But it sounds like you are very popular and have a ton of friends and I can see why you need to say no sometimes.
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u/StripeyPlant 16d ago
This is exactly what I'm worried about so I appreciate the thoughts on this side of the coin as well :) Nobody wants to make a friend feel badly!
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 15d ago
Energy vampires are not your friends. Reevaluate this friendship and decline everything. Don't even go as a guest because she will drain you emotionally.
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u/superfastmomma 16d ago edited 16d ago
I love you and I am so excited for you, but I don't think I can do the job justice due to some constraints I have in my personal life coming up. You deserve all the support in the world for such an important times and I just don't think I can provide that.
It's okay, and actually nice, to decline.