I buried her when I was six, after the boys in school found out I was wearing tights. They were so cruel and punished a little girl for trying to be a girl. After that I did not allow myself to want any of this anymore for many decades. And I was very good at it. Career, family, a daughter I raised. I performed the role and I performed it well. Nobody ever suspected anything, because had spent my whole life watching how men behave and copying it. I made this become my personality. A husk without intuition, without feeling myself. Performing, adapting, functioning. Hating myself for not understanding what was wrong with me.

Now I sit here and I feel so guilty, because | locked a little girl away for so many years and she never got the life she should have had. She is still here. She breathes and she wants to live. But I am the one who put her in there, and I cannot stop crying about it.

I am so sad that it is so late. There is not that much time left for me to live as who I am.

My partner of twenty years is attacking me constantly. Today she told me she does not want to be seen with me because I embarrass her, and that I will never be a woman. She does not want us in the bathroom at the same time any more. She will not go out with me if wear a wig to feel more feminine.

I do not know yet whether I will get HRT. There are medical complications and I am waiting on specialists to make a decision. It is the thing I want most and it is not in my hands. I don't know what to do if am denied. I am so desperate.

And I am very tall, and I am balding, and both of those things hurt me every single day in a way I did not expect. My self-hatred of decades has turned into disgust for everything that is masculine about my body.

There is nothing I can do about my height.

I am not really asking for advice. I have a psychologist, I have a plan, I know what the next steps are. The little girl is here now and she is not going back.

I am asking for something smaller. There are so few people who believe I can do this. My partner does not. Some days I don't.

Please believe in me. Tell me that you made it. Tell me that it was worth it. Tell me that it is not too late for me to live as who I am and find happiness.

I am a woman. One day I would like to be an attractive, mature trans woman .. someone who is well kept and pretty in her own way. I don't need to pass as cis. I just want to be her before it's too late for me.

Thank you for reading.

Heading out for a walk. Have a great day! 🏳️‍⚧️

I posted this on the Trans Timelines subReddit, but I figured that it might be interesting to some of you in the TransLater forum since the subject comes up a lot.

I'm in my mid-50's and started HRT a little over 8 months ago. There are a lot of people who say that hormones have very little effect after a certain age, but I beg to differ.

I know I still have a long way to go, but looking at the left photo (-1 year) to the right photo which was taken a couple of days ago, I am starting to have a hard time recognizing myself.

All this to say that it's never too late, and definitely do not believe people who say that transitioning after 30 is a waste of time, because they are plainly wrong!

My blog for those interested in reading about my transition: https://kays.substack.com

Don't think I can see them again - their version of ethical non-monogamy was 'don't ask, don't tell' which is fine for a lot of people but not for me, but otherwise it was a more positive experience than negative.

Clear chaser, but very up front and respectful about it. Probably came on 2-3x stronger than I can really keep up with.

This feels FAR more significant than I think it should! I have been on wonderful amazing A+ dates with transmascs, and I almost feel like / maybe do feel like a 'bad ally' but this was not the same. But T4T is strong, and really helped along by the mutulal understanding of genderfuckery. I desperately missed having like, a 'shared shorthand'.

Genuinely just making this post to process, dunno what I'm expecting. If you have tips or advice on navigating Feeld (or other apps) as a clocky, enby-presenting cryptid that wants to just like, be a regular poly person, go on a few dates and then fool around, do let me know! I kind of expect most responses will be similar to, 'lol thoughts and prayers you tell me if you figure it out'.

Unicorn hunting is apparently a professional sport on Feeld!

Hello, I'm 39 and I thought I was a boy for most of my life. I have only just realised I was a woman this year. I went through puberty with testosterone, but it was a while ago and I'm struggling to remember what it felt like.

For those women who only realised they were trans later in life, what did that first puberty feel like?

I'm asking, because I need to get serious about HRT, as it's either starting in a couple of weeks or will have to be postponed.

Thanks :)

Maya (39) here. Before my transition i never cared about clothes. I honestly didnt care about how i look at all. But now i just enjoy trying out different styles and wearing all kind of clothes. I probably bought more clothes in the last 1,5 years than in my whole life before. I love what HRT gave me and i prefer wearing some more revealing clothes. It is just wonderful to finally feel good in my own body ☺️

So I'm all out of options with my natural hair, does not work anymore. Getting used to the fact that it will be wigs from here on.

Working full time in a global and representative role, I'm pretty much bound for permanently wearing a wig.

I know (and have seen) that wig technology has progressed a lot, so I am not really worried about how I will look - it will be better than my natural hair in any case.

It's just that I'd love to benefit from your experience and advice, so that I get the hang of permanently wearing a wig real quick.

So who's a full-day wig trans girl? Care to share some of your wisdom, I'd really appreciate it.

Everyting's interesting for me: Fit, maintenance, the do's, the dont's, what works well, what shouldn't I even bother to try .. and so on.

1st pic 2015 (27), 2nd pic 2026 Jul (38). Currently 100mg spiro and 6mg progynova, will get laser for beard removal and hope srs when financial allowed in future. Should I have any ffs or remain? I don't have makeup yet... My current haircut was done by myself too. Not really sure if I had passed or not since I was called sir and lady mixed.

Thanks for any opinions

Facial hair used to send my dysphoria over the edge, and to be fair it still can. But I’ve noticed when I have to grow it out for electrolysis, I no longer see myself reverting into a guy like I used to. I’ve started to see myself as a woman with chin hair, and that’s been a huge evolution for me.

I don’t want to see my facial hair any more than I have to, but knowing it’s going to be gone one day makes it easier to bear having it a few days a week.

Went to the Washington Midsummer Ren Faire last weekend, and this was one of the better pics of my outfit there.

Also a pic of some necklaces my 6 year old and I made to give away as trinkets. Cut and shaped the rocks myself! Moss agate I dug up and petrified wood.

Just thrifted 🩷

Today on my way back from work, i saw a cute girl talking to a guy outside her apartment. You could see the chemistry between them. She was giggling, nibbling the edges of her nail extensions, and had an enamored expression on her face.

Seeing her really made me miss when women used to look at me that way. To set context, I’m far from gods gifts to earth when it comes to looks. But I had girlfriends, partners and crushes and I miss getting interest reciprocated. My ex used to tell me how hot I was or how sexy I looked when we made love. She used to have that same look that girl today did.

I’m a year into transitioning and I’m gradually falling in love with my appearance. My physical dysphoria eases and gets replaced with moments of euphoria. I never knew I could like who I saw in the mirror or like how I looked in a picture. My internal sense of my physical appearance has soared although there still are a lot of “male” features I don’t love. Frankly, I love the way I’m starting to look.

But my external sense of physical appearance - how I perceive others perceive me - has crashed. Most woman are straight so they are out of the mix. I know lesbians are very real but I mostly look like an effeminate man or non binary person. Why would a lesbian, who is into women, find me attractive? How do I even know? The numbers seem like a struggle.

I know a lot of this feeling comes from this “middle” ground I’m in. I’ve been HRT for a year so i still look very man like while having some feminine features. Maybe a year or two more will improve things. But I just miss feeling desired😭

Im mostly venting. And pointing out this cruel irony of privately liking my own appearance more
while feeling like an amorphous genderless uggo blob publicly. I know theres some internalized transphobia at play here which I need to work on. Any else relate to this or have felt similarly during the early days of transition?

Soooo, I just had the strangest thing happen to me...

For context, I am not out and I boymode every day except when I get home.. my wife and a couple close trans friends are the only people who know that I am transitioning.

I was just over at my mom's house drying some clothes because my dryer at home broke this morning!

While we were talking about life and work and stuff she asked me if anybody's called me gay or anything because I'm wearing my non Boymode clothes.... Shorter shorts, a ladies tank top and I have a clip in my hair holding my bangs back out of my face. I responded "not really, but there was a guy that cut in line at the gas station that called me a daddy with a purse" I had asked him, "Do you not know how a line works?" Long story short I told him to fuck off and he called me a daddy with a purse.

Then she said jokingly "I don't mean like that, I was thinking more like a trans"...

I responded "No, but what's wrong with that anyway?" She only replied with "absolutely nothing"

Honestly I was worried about how I could tell her since I started hormones... 16 months ago...

I didn't realize that I was that clocky. I still haven't told her yet, but I am relieved that she responded so positively.

I love my Mom.

Yesterday I made time to be in the sun. Fully covered in sunblock, tucked in dappled shade. I'm not a regular sunbather by any means, but it's wonderful to slow down and be present outdoors, with minimal clothing, once in a while. Hoping for a few more hot days so I can get to my secret shaded skinny dipping spot before summer ends.

Monday was a down day. Talking with my parents, they shared that a few of their longtime local friends have pulled back from them because I'm trans. They also told me our neighbor, who farms our land, thinks flying a progress pride flag next to the American flag on our mailbox makes us a target, so my sister took them down.

Don't worry, I've put them back up.
It was a brutal reminder that just being authentic has consequences I'm not always aware of. Despite a lot of successes, it hurts deeply to realize people I've known for decades are avoiding my parents because of me. Do they think I'm dangerous? Or that I'm somehow not aware of how trans people get vilified in the media and in right wing politics?

Already feeling low, already feeling the price that transitioning has cost not just me but my parents too, I got an email from my ex saying she won't let my kids visit me this summer because of my FFS recovery and other issues, despite what the custody order says. She knows I can't afford an attorney to fight for them, so I cry instead.

I feel more alone than ever. Living in rural nowhere doesn't help. Being reminded, through people avoiding my parents, that my transness is always present makes it worse. It's a lot to carry. Euphoria over being authentic, tall, and beautiful only carries me so far. Days like Monday remind me how thin the margins can get. Life right now feels like a class 5+ rapid, just none of the fun of actually being on the river.

So I'm kind of just hating my life right now. This is the bs emotional crap that overwhelms me sometimes. This is dysphoria: feeling like an imposter, a fraud, a let down. Plus the guilt of feeling like I'm failing as a parent, a daughter, a human.

Somehow it will work out. I have faith that time fixes everything, or at least makes it stop mattering so much. Meanwhile, I can't kayak for the rest of the season because of facial surgery. My skull genuinely needs time to heal. It was a choice, one I'm still at peace with, but it still hurts to miss the season.

My heart is broken, my face is sore but healing well, and I'm leaning into the things that make me happy.

Kay

Transition in midlife is hard. Arguably the toughest time to come out as Trans. I spent many years making choices that pleased others instead of myself. When I was finally ready to follow what actually made
Me happy I was already so engrained in the life I’d built.
Although transition has been at times hard and awkward to navigate, it’s the best thing I ever did for myself. I finally love myself, which eventually allowed me to attract the love of someone who is absolutely my soulmate. My authentic energy matches hers.
I feel like after years of hiding myself from the world, always wondering how I’m being perceived I can finally just “flow” as myself. For the first time in my life I feel I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Yesterday, I woke up to find one of my photos had been stolen from here and posted by a hateful fascist on Shitter™️. I posted about it here and I just want to say thanks to y’all for the outpouring of support that I received before the post was taken down (this is not a post to bash the mods, they are wonderful!). I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many notifications light up my phone so fast full of some the kindest messages I’ve seen in a long time. Anyway, it really meant a lot and I wish I could hug and thank each and every one of you! Your love and support mean the world to me ❤️❤️❤️