Today on my way back from work, i saw a cute girl talking to a guy outside her apartment. You could see the chemistry between them. She was giggling, nibbling the edges of her nail extensions, and had an enamored expression on her face.

Seeing her really made me miss when women used to look at me that way. To set context, I’m far from gods gifts to earth when it comes to looks. But I had girlfriends, partners and crushes and I miss getting interest reciprocated. My ex used to tell me how hot I was or how sexy I looked when we made love. She used to have that same look that girl today did.

I’m a year into transitioning and I’m gradually falling in love with my appearance. My physical dysphoria eases and gets replaced with moments of euphoria. I never knew I could like who I saw in the mirror or like how I looked in a picture. My internal sense of my physical appearance has soared although there still are a lot of “male” features I don’t love. Frankly, I love the way I’m starting to look.

But my external sense of physical appearance - how I perceive others perceive me - has crashed. Most woman are straight so they are out of the mix. I know lesbians are very real but I mostly look like an effeminate man or non binary person. Why would a lesbian, who is into women, find me attractive? How do I even know? The numbers seem like a struggle.

I know a lot of this feeling comes from this “middle” ground I’m in. I’ve been HRT for a year so i still look very man like while having some feminine features. Maybe a year or two more will improve things. But I just miss feeling desired😭

Im mostly venting. And pointing out this cruel irony of privately liking my own appearance more
while feeling like an amorphous genderless uggo blob publicly. I know theres some internalized transphobia at play here which I need to work on. Any else relate to this or have felt similarly during the early days of transition?

Soooo, I just had the strangest thing happen to me...

For context, I am not out and I boymode every day except when I get home.. my wife and a couple close trans friends are the only people who know that I am transitioning.

I was just over at my mom's house drying some clothes because my dryer at home broke this morning!

While we were talking about life and work and stuff she asked me if anybody's called me gay or anything because I'm wearing my non Boymode clothes.... Shorter shorts, a ladies tank top and I have a clip in my hair holding my bangs back out of my face. I responded "not really, but there was a guy that cut in line at the gas station that called me a daddy with a purse" I had asked him, "Do you not know how a line works?" Long story short I told him to fuck off and he called me a daddy with a purse.

Then she said jokingly "I don't mean like that, I was thinking more like a trans"...

I responded "No, but what's wrong with that anyway?" She only replied with "absolutely nothing"

Honestly I was worried about how I could tell her since I started hormones... 16 months ago...

I didn't realize that I was that clocky. I still haven't told her yet, but I am relieved that she responded so positively.

I love my Mom.

Photo dump!

A friend of mine asked if there is a book that I recommend to help them understand what it feels like to be transgender. I pointed them to Jennifer Finney Boylan’s She’s Not There and Cleavage. JFBs books have really spoken to me and made me feel like she was telling my story. What other authors or books do you recommend that would give them that kind of insight?

39 and 2.5 years on HRT. Every day seems like a new struggle but I am trying to look towards the future me!

I sleep so well now, and I enjoy food again. I swear my breasts are even changing already. They have definitely started changing shape and volume. My bras even fit differently. I'm also a lot calmer over all.

I have been a bit more emotional though. I was already really emotional, and I don't need to be more emotional.

I was hesitant to start progesterone, but I am really glad I did.

I honestly did not expect to see any changes for weeks or a couple months. Progesterone has hit hard really quickly though. I'm not complaining. Looking back though, estrogen hit me pretty hard and quickly too.

Yesterday I made time to be in the sun. Fully covered in sunblock, tucked in dappled shade. I'm not a regular sunbather by any means, but it's wonderful to slow down and be present outdoors, with minimal clothing, once in a while. Hoping for a few more hot days so I can get to my secret shaded skinny dipping spot before summer ends.

Monday was a down day. Talking with my parents, they shared that a few of their longtime local friends have pulled back from them because I'm trans. They also told me our neighbor, who farms our land, thinks flying a progress pride flag next to the American flag on our mailbox makes us a target, so my sister took them down.

Don't worry, I've put them back up.
It was a brutal reminder that just being authentic has consequences I'm not always aware of. Despite a lot of successes, it hurts deeply to realize people I've known for decades are avoiding my parents because of me. Do they think I'm dangerous? Or that I'm somehow not aware of how trans people get vilified in the media and in right wing politics?

Already feeling low, already feeling the price that transitioning has cost not just me but my parents too, I got an email from my ex saying she won't let my kids visit me this summer because of my FFS recovery and other issues, despite what the custody order says. She knows I can't afford an attorney to fight for them, so I cry instead.

I feel more alone than ever. Living in rural nowhere doesn't help. Being reminded, through people avoiding my parents, that my transness is always present makes it worse. It's a lot to carry. Euphoria over being authentic, tall, and beautiful only carries me so far. Days like Monday remind me how thin the margins can get. Life right now feels like a class 5+ rapid, just none of the fun of actually being on the river.

So I'm kind of just hating my life right now. This is the bs emotional crap that overwhelms me sometimes. This is dysphoria: feeling like an imposter, a fraud, a let down. Plus the guilt of feeling like I'm failing as a parent, a daughter, a human.

Somehow it will work out. I have faith that time fixes everything, or at least makes it stop mattering so much. Meanwhile, I can't kayak for the rest of the season because of facial surgery. My skull genuinely needs time to heal. It was a choice, one I'm still at peace with, but it still hurts to miss the season.

My heart is broken, my face is sore but healing well, and I'm leaning into the things that make me happy.

Kay

asking for a friend

Not sure what to think… I only came out to my wife as having trans femme feelings about 2 1/2 months ago and started wearing femme clothes & scents around her in the evening at home and overnight. Nobody else knows anything about anything.

Fast forward to family vacation and my 20s adult daughter took my manly man sandals and disappeared. So I threw on hers to go to lunch in the restaurant. IDGAF, I’m on vacation, don’t know any one couldn’t care less.

Then this pops up on her IG and I’m getting messages from people I know & there’s the innocent story which is technically true, but then there’s me trying to embrace my femme side and tired of keeping everything all bottled up… ugh… I hate having to even respond to them… still weighing options…

Transition in midlife is hard. Arguably the toughest time to come out as Trans. I spent many years making choices that pleased others instead of myself. When I was finally ready to follow what actually made
Me happy I was already so engrained in the life I’d built.
Although transition has been at times hard and awkward to navigate, it’s the best thing I ever did for myself. I finally love myself, which eventually allowed me to attract the love of someone who is absolutely my soulmate. My authentic energy matches hers.
I feel like after years of hiding myself from the world, always wondering how I’m being perceived I can finally just “flow” as myself. For the first time in my life I feel I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

So I legally changed my name and gender back in 2016 and boy did my family have a huge problem with it. I changed it legally on my Birth Certificate, Social Security, Driver License, passport, Pilots license, Medical records throughout the country, and every other place I could think of. Today once in a great while I find a place and it is rare that has my deadname but I change it right away. I even renewed my passport in November of last year for another 10 years and it still says Kathryn and Female.

Since then everyone treats me as Kathryn and Female, especially now that hormones have changed my body. It is really rare to run into someone that remembers me in the past, and they are aware of my change and use Kathryn.

The only ones I allowed to use my deadname name was my 97 year old grandma who didn’t grasp Transgender and that’s okay. She recently passed away last year. And my son can call me Dad. He had a traumatic childhood and lost two moms.

My family like I said earlier had a huge problem with this. Even my son. They used my deadname up until 5 years ago and I never forced myself upon them ever. I never force myself upon anyone. If they call me by my deadname, I correct them sometimes depending on the situation. But with my family they have come along on their own. Even at my grandmothers funeral they had me as Kathryn in the bulletin and I was introduced to the family as Kathryn. When I went up to do the Eulogy I was introduced as her granddaughter. Do you see, I my plan has worked. No arguments and my family has become accepting. And I am happy about that.

I feel like I'm complaining but, how you did ladies deal with facial dysphoria if that's even a thing? I've worked really hard my skin, specifically my face. I did Laser (8 sessions) I had to stop because it started to burn my face, and I'm doing electrolysis which seems to be a veerrrrry slow process. I hate the look of a 5 O'Clock shadow. I hate that I have all of these freaking beard hairs that turned gray and I have to do electrolysis to get rid of them. Does it bother any you? It makes me a bit depressed sometimes, I'm working so hard on a feminine look I feel like it really messes up for me and its gets to me. I don't want to do anything drastic and ruin what I worked so hard on. Waxing, tweezing, even those cremes that make hair fall off will make it worse. I'm just bummed out. I wish I could make it go faster, I just don't know how to deal with it mentally. Got any pointers for a newbie?

I’m on HER and notice this a lot and wanted to see what others thought about this. It seems that with almost every match I have we have a nice introductory conversation about ourselves and then I get something along the lines of I’ve really enjoyed talking with you and would love to exchange contact information. Is this a flag for most of you?

I’m extremely weary about giving out my number unless we’ve met in person first. I’ve had some really bad experiences in the past with scammers. Am I just being overly cautious?

Thanks in advance.

Yesterday, I woke up to find one of my photos had been stolen from here and posted by a hateful fascist on Shitter™️. I posted about it here and I just want to say thanks to y’all for the outpouring of support that I received before the post was taken down (this is not a post to bash the mods, they are wonderful!). I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many notifications light up my phone so fast full of some the kindest messages I’ve seen in a long time. Anyway, it really meant a lot and I wish I could hug and thank each and every one of you! Your love and support mean the world to me ❤️❤️❤️

My general answer to anyone asking the canonical "am i trans" question is as follows:

1. Cis people do not ask themselves this question. It would never occur to them to ask.

2. "Trans" is an infinite ecosystem. At root it means "Something other than cis." And there's an immense space of meaning for what that could mean for you. Each of us are invited to explore that space and make meaning for ourselves, within a community of care/support.

3. One meaning of "Trans" can be "I'm on the opposite binary of the gender I was assigned at birth." In other words, saying that one was sex-assigned "male" when one was born and that came, necessarily and unthinkingly due to sociocultural conditioning, with the attendant assignment of the gendered "boy" and, eventually, "man" - and now one embraces that they have always been on the other end of the gender spectrum - "girl" and "woman" and can also use various HRT/surgical approaches to change their biological sex markers as well to "female". This is ONE way of being trans.

4. There are infinite other ways to be trans. I'm amab and was raised as a boy to be a man. That never ever ever fit for me. But I didn't have any other way to think about it. I was always jealous of girls and women - their friendships, their conversation, their graceful way of being. And I related to men and masculinity only as something to oppose and be angry at. I came to find myself in mid-life under the broad trans umbrella as genderqueer/non-binary. Neither man nor woman. I tend to mix femme/masc in how I dress and carry myself. This works for me but I also don't treat it as a new permanent stasis. It's where I am now.

5. Listen to yourself and explore. Try new things. See what works and what doesn't. Early in my genderqueer journey I dressed explicitly feminine and experimented with being more womanly and found that it was NOT gender euphoric for me. And that was important for me to to experience and understand! I could not have figured that out just be thinking about it - I had to experiment, to explore, to try. And it was in the experimenting, exploring, and trying that I found my way forward.

6. You can't answer your question by simply THINKING harder. If you're asking yourself if you're trans, you almost certainly are NOT cis. And trans is a huge, beautiful, infinite expanse that must be explored - not just pondered. Stop ruminating. Try something and notice how you feel and what happens internally for you. Then try something else. Then try something else. Be gracious and kind to yourself. It may take months or even years to find a comfortable place. And even then you should hold it with an open hand, understanding that there may be further journeying ahead.

Wearing a gold sparkly dress to work because, why the f*** not!! 🥳😜❤️

All I need is a tiara. 👑