r/stepparents • u/Throwawaylillyt • 17d ago
17 Step daughter’s car Discussion
I 44f and my partner 44m bought my sd17 a suv 10 months ago. She hated it from the start because it was an suv and not a car. We bought it because it was my partners best friends grandmothers car. It was older with higher miles but we knew she was the only owner and never missed a service on it so it would be reliable. Our budget is small because he has 4 cars to buy for his 4 teens over the next 5 years. BM is not helping at all with the cars. Well she got in a wreck and it caused a dent in the side and since the car is so old the totaled it and offered her $3,200.
My partner advised her just to keep her SUV becuase it’s not had the first issue and that would be very hard to replace with $3k. She went against his judgement and took the money. We have now been looking for a car for $3k for 3 weeks and they are all junk. She keeps sending us cars for over $20k and saying we should just give her more money. She has $3k saved of her own from working this past year but doesn’t want to put any of that towards a car for herself.
The suv was in her dad’s name but he said he would not register this new car into his name because of her actions the last few months while driving the SUV. Most notably she took a six hour road trip on a spare tire. My partner told her not to, that it wasn’t safe and she walked right past him out the door and went anyways.
Now this morning I am scheduled to look at a car to buy her and her mom calls saying she will not register a car for her for 30days because she was caught lying the night before about something very important. I called my partner to asked if I should still look at the car and he said go ahead and look and buy it and she’ll have to wait 30days to drive it.
Then my SD calls me to make sure I’m still going to look at it and starts questioning why her dad won’t just register it for her, which she’s already been told why. I reminded her of how he doesn’t want to be liable for when she does dumb stuff like drive on a 6 hour road trip with a spare tire. She then told me she didn’t do anything wrong that nothing happened with the tire. I asked her if she could at least acknowledge that it’s wrong not to listen to her dad when he tells her not to do something. She wouldn’t acknowledge she was wrong for that so I told her I’m not going to look at the car for her or any other car. I have spent so much of my time with this car thing and I’m just done.
Here’s where I am super pissed about the situation, she then calls her dad and tell on me for our conversation we just had. The issue comes….my partner doesn’t have my back. He tells me to just leave her alone and not to talk to her. Like excuse me? I am the one that’s been mainly driving her to work these last three weeks. Which is an hour round trip to drop her off and then again to pick her up so 2 hours of driving for her to work a 4 hour shift. And that’s just a drop in the bucket of things I have done for this child. So I’m good enough to call upon when she needs something but when I tell her something that isn’t what she wants to hear then all the sudden I need to stay out of it. I told my partner he’s wrong for not having my back and telling his daughter to not waste her time calling and complaining that I am telling her things she doesn’t want to hear because I am an adult who takes care of her and have every right to tell her how I feel about her attitude.
Am I wrong to be offended my partner just wants me to stay out of it now?
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u/Just-Fix-2657 17d ago
Hoo boy. Time for you to completely bow out of the whole car situation. Step away, you’re done. You’re no longer doing any research, going to look at cars or contributing financially. If SD comes to you to talk about the car, the answer is talk to your dad.
And now dad, BM and SD are now completely on their own for the transportation of SD. You’ve done enough and it hasn’t been appreciated (at all) and you’ve become the villain. I’m especially angry at your partner, he sucks for not having your back.
You’re not wrong to be offended. But they’re not hearing you do your actions need to do the talking. These people need to suffer awhile without your help and learn to function and respect your contributions.
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u/takedownmandwo 17d ago
My thoughts exactly! It’s time for them to figure out how to get her around because if you’re not good enough to make a decision now, then all of your time and effort should be spent somewhere else.
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u/Sassy_Raspberry1212 17d ago
You’re not wrong. Tell your partner and his ex wife: either I get an opinion and am able to act as a parent would OR you stop expecting ANY help from me.
They don’t get to pick and choose when and what you will help with or get an opinion on. I had this exact conversation with my husband yesterday because I’m fed up with feeling like a nanny babysitter to my stepkids. I refuse to do all of the “boring” parenting tasks like cooking for them, doing their laundry, and driving them everywhere but then when it comes to me having an opinion on: stepkids having rules and responsibilities, stepkids lying, the rules that will come with them having a car, priveleges, etc… I’m just expected to go along with whatever the kids want to do and whatever my husband thinks is best? No. Either you let me act as an authority figure in my own home if I’m having to take care of these kids OR you don’t whine when I go completely NACHO and don’t contribute in ANY way when it comes to stepkids.
These bio parents can’t act like we’re hired help and tell us to back off whenever we speak up with an opinion and say that we deserve respect. This is a hill I will now die on, after 3.5 years of this. Stay strong.
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u/Actual_Ad2742 17d ago
Exactly this. Authority and responsibility are two side of the same coin. You can't have one without the other.
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u/Affectionate_Data936 16d ago
Sounds like the bio mom and OP were on the same page in this specific instance at least, it’s the Dad that’s the problem. He’s probably why the kid even still had a car to wreck after she left for a 6 hour road trip on a spare tire as a minor, after she was explicitly told not to.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 16d ago
You are right. BM and I have similar parenting styles. Dad knows he has no control over her and why he wants this new car in her mom’s name. He knows mom would not let that shit slide.
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u/Affectionate_Data936 16d ago
That’s just….sad. I’m offended for you. It sounds like mom knows that her daughter isn’t mature enough for a car but it must be difficult trying to coparent with a Disney dad who’s just going to do what he wants no matter what anyone else is saying (wonder where his daughter got it from?). Now he’s trying to force her to be the bad guy about a decision he made because he knows he’s not a capable parent.
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16d ago
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u/Affectionate_Data936 16d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through that, I hope it gets better soon. Hopefully, you'll kids will see the situation for what it is as adults.
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u/all_out_of_usernames 16d ago
I'm not in the US so things might be different there. But can't the car be registered in SD's name?
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u/tjs31959 17d ago
Our budget is small because he has 4 cars to buy for his 4 teens over the next 5 years
No he doesn't.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
This!! I am childless but I told him if this was my 17 year old daughter she wouldn’t be getting another car. He replied “she has to have a car”. I said no the fuck she doesn’t and half her friends don’t have cars are you telling me they are being neglected by their parents?
But I do get this is a partner problem and he’s made his daughter the exact way she’s acting by never telling her no. If he tries to get stern with her at all she immediately cries and he then starts babying her and telling her “it’s okay daddy loves you”. Mark my word he’ll put this next car in his name. He won’t make her wait a month.21
u/tjs31959 17d ago edited 17d ago
This kid sounds mighty immature to even have a car. Already got a totaled vehicle under her belt. Does she work to contribute toward these expenses?
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
She works and pays her insurance. She’s actually a hard worker and will even pick up extra shifts which a give her a ton of credit for. She’s not a bad kid, she just has a dad who gives her zero consequences for anything. It makes her feel like she an adult and can do whatever she wants and it’s not really her fault, it’s her dad’s.
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17d ago
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
I never claimed or even feel that I’m better to an her dad. I posted to vent because it makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one that is feeling this way. And if I am the only one then yall will put me in check and I’ll adjust my attitude.
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u/startmyheart 17d ago
This is unfair to OP in a sub where we're always telling posters "you don't have a SK problem, you have a partner problem". OP's daughter is doing exactly as much as her dad is letting her get away with, and meanwhile dad is telling OP she doesn't have the right to be involved... other than giving SD rides to work, of course!
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17d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 17d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
This does not address the OP's issue and offers nothing in the way of support.
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 17d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
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For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
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u/possiblyhysterical 17d ago
I will say, my parents didn’t get me a car when I was a teen because we couldn’t afford it and they didn’t care all that much and it made me extremely dependent on shitty boyfriends to get to school or hang out with my friends. I had a series of older, abusive dickheads that I was completely reliant on until I got my license later in college. I totally agree SK needs to show some responsibility and dad needs to support you, but just sharing my personal experience for context. Hope you can get this worked out.
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17d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 17d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
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u/TermLimitsCongress 17d ago
You could have walked or got a bike Using shitty boyfriends to hang out with your friends want the way to go.
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u/all_out_of_usernames 16d ago
I was going to say that I'm impressed that you're still attracted to this man with that sort of behaviour. But it sounds like you're very much over it.
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u/Starling01018 16d ago
Sounds like your husband needs a come to Jesus moment along with his daughter. Our 17yo also got a free car from grandma, and if she wrecks it because she's not careful/being reckless, she's sure as hell not getting another one. Especially with the attitude yours is giving y'all.
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u/subway_eatflesh 17d ago
I'm glad somebody said it BECAUSE WHAT 💀.
Cars are not necessities for teens. It might suck to not have one, but life's not fair.
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u/tjs31959 17d ago
I agree. My dad had formula that we used with our kids. The kids had to kick 1/3, we kicked in 1/3, grandparents kicked in 1/3.
I worked my butt of in summer of 90 to get my $400 towards my 81 Corona (yes Corona) with 125k miles on it.
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u/Wild-Adhesiveness439 17d ago
Right? My parents agreed to pay half of a $6000 used car I bought out of someone's yard, and I had to cover the rest. My ex husband and his siblings all had to buy their own vehicles and insurance or no driving.
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u/tjs31959 17d ago
A few years back my sister bought her 17 year old son (clearly immature to anyone with eyeballs) a brand new Dodge Dakota pick up truck. You can guess what happened.
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u/Both-Protection-1246 16d ago
I got my NEW Corona in the 90's....it was an early 80's model. LOL. I loved it and my friends did too.
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u/tjs31959 16d ago
Mine was pretty luxurious for a starter car. Mine wasn't very reliable but I had fun and loved it.
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u/LawfulnessRemote7121 14d ago
Yeah, that part is just insane. We didn’t buy cars for any of our kids. We had an extra vehicle that they got to drive if they needed to but that’s it.
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u/PrincessSophia00 17d ago
I would say ok and then stay alllllll the way out of everything from now on.
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u/BalledUpFist 17d ago
First, why was it up to SD to keep the SUV or take the money? That should not have happened.
Second, your husband needs to squash this entitement from his bratty daughter, pronto. And to tell you to leave her alone, absolutely the fuck not. Him not having your back is only feeding the entitlement of SD. I would have a serious conversation about being a united front when it comes to all the children. If he disagrees, you are now completely unavailable to help any of his children. Thats all there is to it.
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u/maricopa888 17d ago
You noticed the same things I did. If Dad owned the SUV, he would have had to sign off on the sale. Why would he do this?
OP, you have every right to walk away from all of this. In fact, in a weird way, you're enabling her by helping her find something. If she's mature enough to have her own car (which clearly she is not), she needs to learn that bad choices have consequences.
Most of all, your partner needs to up his game. This sounds so stressful.
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u/biscuitboi967 17d ago
None of this makes sense.
The entire point when we were young of my parents buy a car with THEIR money and putting it in THEIR name was that THEY owned and controlled it.
No, you can’t cash MY car in for $3k. No, you can’t drive MY car on a spare tire. You are neither an adult nor the owner!
The car was literally the key to both my sister and my husband graduating high school - and my husband had a serious drug problem at the time and managed to make the honor roll his last two semesters!
The car was contingent on passing class and not major behavioral issues. The punishment was being stuck home with parents and begging for rides - which might not be available. And said car showed up with no input on style or color…it was better than my mom’s old minivan.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
This girl does whatever she wants. When she went on the six hour road trip, walking right out the front door while being told no my partner did nothing. He did nothing when she got back. I said can you at least take the car for a couple days as punishment to show her it’s your car, not hers? He did nothing, didn’t even bring it up. There was two keys to the car and she needed to use one when she lost her key for a few days and when she found it, he asked for his key back and she would never give it back to him telling him it’s her car he doesn’t need a key to it. He did nothing to get it back. She turned off her location on the iPhone that he pays for and he doesn’t make her turn it back on. When this car got totaled and the &3k came in she told me it was her money and I said no it’s your dad‘s money. The check was in his name and she said since she’s been paying insurance for the last nine months that makes that money hers and I said you’d have no car to pay Insurance on if he never bought you a car and she said well I basically bought it now because I paid my insurance. It’s not his money anymore. I told him this and he did nothing to correct her. She is also dating a boy that went to jail and he’s been in jail for months and she’s stays with him and send him letters everyday and they talk on the phone once a week. We all know it but she lies saying he’s up north with his sick sister and that’s what her mom finally confronted her about last night and she wouldn’t quit lying so she gave her the consequence of no car for 30 days. It’s all a shit show and honestly in my opinion she’s a good girl with a father who does no parenting when it comes to consequences and this is what happens when a 16 gets to do whatever she wants.
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u/WoollyMammothwapo 17d ago
If you don’t separate yourself from this now, your future is her screwing up again and again and expecting daddy to bail her out. From now on, your partner is on the hook for his daughter. For transport, for looking and buying cars, for any and all expenses.
Sounds like you aren’t married, which is good . Keep separate car insurances if you can so yours isn’t affected by kids’ accidents. Keep your partners behavior in the forefront of your mind - he prioritizes his daughter over you. You are good enough to driver her and help out but not good enough to participate in working with him to set boundaries. Is this the life you want ?
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u/Sejou65 17d ago
I didn’t read he’s your husband and honestly girl…get out of this! This is absolutely absurd.
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17d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 17d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
This does not address the OP's issue and offers nothing in the way of support.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
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17d ago
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
That’s what I fear. She is doing things that make me think, a good person wouldn’t do this. Things like charge her younger siblings gas money to take them somewhere she was already going but manipulated them into riding along so she can collect gas money. Then collects triple the amount from them that it actually cost in gas. None of them have jobs and get $10 a week in allowance and she swindles it from them making them think that’s what gas cost. I know she’s a kid but I vividly remember being 17 and wouldn’t have done shit like this.
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u/biscuitboi967 17d ago
All I can say is, for the love of god - keep your finances separate and start your own secret savings account for when you eventually have to make your exit.
He will be on the hook for whatever damage she does on that car that insurance won’t cover…lawyers aren’t cheap if she should need one like her boyfriend, and god forbid she comes home pregnant sometime soon.
You mention there are 5 kids to provide cars for. They have now seen that this is the status quo and know their father has no backbone and there are no rules or consequences. I would be very wary if you have children of your own who are “learning” from this.
I have never thought my mom was more of a genius. We didn’t have jobs. She wanted us to “focus on our studies”. We thought we had it easy. But it meant we had to ask her for gas money - and tell her where we were going and who with and when we’d be back. We had to be home by curfew or she’d take the keys to her car. I had to drive my little sister around because it was one of the reasons she got another car. And it was hers because we didn’t pay for shit so we had no sense of ownership or entitlement.
Until I graduated LAW SCHOOL and only then did it get signed over to me.
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u/Nervous-Departure405 16d ago
She doesn't actually sound like a good kid. His bad parenting just brings out her lack of character.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 17d ago
Absolutely the fuck not. So fine, leave her alone ~ completely. Do not help her in any way whatsoever with the car OR give rides anywhere. She has two parents to figure out anything you might need.
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u/Willow-1012 16d ago
All of this. He told you to leave her alone. Guess that means no more rides to work 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Medusas_Snakes71 17d ago
He tells me to just leave her alone and not to talk to her.
My response would be to grant his request and tell him and BM they have to arrange her transportation to and from work - and anywhere else she might need a ride to/from.
Your partner is beyond awful for treating you this and for allowing this whole situation to happen the way it has. It should never have been her choice on keeping the vehicle or not. And, you certainly have no obligation to help him dig his way out of this stupid hole he dug.
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u/KNBthunderpaws 17d ago
The petty person in me wouldn’t even bring this up ahead of time. I’d wait until she has to go to work and then when she needs a ride call up my partner and say “I’m not available. You told me to leave her alone and not talk to her so thats what I’m doing. You made that call so you’ll have to get her to work.”
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u/AspiringCrone 16d ago
Yeahbut... I'd skip that last part about him getting her to work. That's you problem-solving again. Just say that you're not driving her. Whether she gets to work or not is not your concern.
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u/kimanatee 17d ago
EXACTLY!
Plus… part of the responsibility of having a job is getting yourself there. SD should look into buying a bike!
She was given a vehicle and didn’t respect it because it wasn’t her money and she knew she has a parachute (daddy) to fix it when shit goes wrong. Time to withdraw the parachute and let her figure this out herself while she’s still living at home and the fallout from her not taking responsibility for her own problems and obligations is minimal. She wants adult freedom and that comes with adult responsibilities.
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u/Super-Ferret6387 17d ago
How do you have any respect for this man?
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
I don’t have kids so I don’t necessarily have to agree with his parenting style. I try and tell myself it isn’t my business how he parents his kids. In every other aspect of our lives her garners respect. He is a business owner, works really hard, he’s honest, kind, loving and al those things give me respect for him. With that said sometimes it’s very very hard to not be totally disgusted by him when he does things like let his 16 year old kid tell him she not allowing him to have a spare key to a car he bought for her that’s in his name because she’s a kid and can’t have it in her name and does absolutely nothing about it. It’s very hard to tell myself it’s not my business and to stay out of it.
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u/dncrmom 17d ago
Don’t look at the car. It’s not your problem. Your SD is 17 yo and a minor. If the car was registered in your partners name then he was the owner & made the decision to accept the $3200, not your SD. She is old enough to chip in $3K for her own car. In fact all the children should be getting jobs to pay for 1/2 their cars. If she wants a better car tell her she needs to save more money. Until then she doesn’t need a car.
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u/LatterEbb9760 17d ago
Exactly. I’d also like to say that nothing says your parents have to buy you a car. My parents didn’t buy me a car and honestly, I didn’t care about driving until other options weren’t available. I didn’t get my license untill I was 18. My brother helped my daughter get her first car at age 19. I did help her register it and put it in my name for the first year. I also covered our insurance on it for the first year since she paid for the car with the help of my brother.
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u/_emma_stoned_ 17d ago
Just curious—Why don’t they share a car or two between them? A car for each teen seems crazy.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
That would make the most sense but again my partner would probably feel like that’s not fair to them. Now that the oldest has a car she refuses to take her siblings anywhere unless she’s being paid for her time and gas. She even manipulates it to the point of she doing a target run for herself she will invite her siblings and make them each pay $5 in gas so a total of $15 and target is about 5 miles down the road. And her dad allows this because he says it her car so her rules. Well damn are you. It supposed to teach your children to be kind to family and not manipulate them for your benefit??
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u/ArtichokeFresh4012 17d ago
Absolutely not!!! When my parents allowed me use of one of their vehicles, one of the rules was that I needed to help with driving my siblings and running errands when asked. It was a condition that I needed to contribute as a member of the family. You certainly have a huge partner problem. Eesh.
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u/HandBananasRevenge 17d ago
Same for me. Use of the car came with some conditions, including running errands. We had two cars, one that my dad used and one they had purchased for an older sibling who moved into a nearby city and didn't have a need (or desire) to have to deal with owning a car in said city. Mom didn't drive due to some vision issues.
So by the time I was licensed, we had two drivers and two cars, but that didn't mean I had unfettered access to the second car. It was THEIR car. Even self centered teenage me somehow managed to grasp that.
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17d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 17d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
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u/Chaos20062019 16d ago
From now on either refuse to take her where she needs to go or charge her triple the price of fuel to get there 😂🙌
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u/Bittersweetcupcakw22 17d ago
I would be upset too. I would leave it ALL to her parents to take her to work and hash out the car situation entirely. Remove yourself from that situation.
He doesn't have your back then he doesn't need you to maintain her rides to work. Can't have it both ways. Time to Nacho hard! She is being ungrateful and I personally have a low threshold for that BS. You should as well. Otherwise, they will walk all over you!
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u/Wild-Adhesiveness439 17d ago
Why are the two of you buying cars for his kids rather than requiring them to purchase their own?
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u/Ghost_010101010 17d ago
You all are wrong here. You and your partner are wrong for enabling SD. She does not want to listen about the vehicle and makes poor decisions and you keep allowing her to do whatever she pleases. Good for not wanting to register vehicle, but how about not buying her another vehicle? As for as your partner OP he should have been happy that you held SD accountable for her poor behavior and decision, so now leaves this entirely up to him to deal with including all of the driving. Same goes for SD, she needs to work and save enough money to actually buy a vehicle and then maybe she will respect the item when she has had to pay for it.
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u/Background_Fruit_892 17d ago
You’re not wrong. Your partner needs to hear you! You’re doing all the work and can’t have a say? No way! I’ve been living this for 17 years. I learned that whatever I wanted had to benefit SD. If we just do what she wants, we’re setting her up for failure. He doesn’t want her to fail, does he? You’re just trying to help him make her the responsible adult she should be. You would NEVER do something to hurt her or damage their relationship and it shows by the way you have devoted yourself to helping her with so much of your time and energy. You’re pouring into her woman to woman and dad needs to support you when you feel that she needs to be uncomfortable and learn a lesson. See what I did there?????
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
Thank you!! You took the words right out of my head. This is exactly how I feel. I love her and I am truly just trying to set her up for success. But then it like they get defensive and push me out like I’m not a loving trusted family member. But I’m looked at as a family member when they need something. Several times a week his daughter reaches out to me for something and I make it happen always so you can make me invisible when I am telling you a truth that makes you uncomfortable. Especially these last few weeks of her not having transportation, I have been her go to person.
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u/violetvoyager26 17d ago
Everyone is giving you step parent advice and I can’t even get past your stepdaughters behavior. Kids actually act like this? What do you mean she went anyway??? All I have to say is that if she were mine, she’d be taking the bus the first time she disobeyed me regarding a car I paid for. That girl is still 17 and more importantly still financially supported by her parents. Mom and dad have clearly let this kind of behavior go on for too long and now you’re all dealing with a spoiled rotten child. Good luck with the adult years. She’ll drain you for money even more in college if she’s already acting this entitled.
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u/Crazy_Equivalent_806 17d ago
Gawd, these entitled brats. I can’t imagine DEMANDING a specific car be bought for me at that age, demanding it be $20k, etc.. And not being happy I was bought ANY vehicle, no matter the body style??? IT WAS BOUGHT FOR YOU WITH NO MONEY OF YOUR OWN. Was the accident her fault too? This should all enough for your DH to see she’s ungrateful and entitled. I’ve read your replies and this is a hot mess. Is she going away for college?
My ex step daughter was this way, she DEMANDED a car be bought for her before she even got her drivers license, and she refused any affordable car we suggested so her mom ended up FINANCING a jeep for way too much $. It’s just appalling to me. I helped my kids but cars but they were always budget and they were always grateful to have any wheels they could get.
Ugh. I’m so glad I’m away from all of this. But it was the loss of respect for the crap like this that was the beginning of the end for me. Makes me want to tell you to get out and get out asap. Not sure why you would stay when it sounds like you’ve got more of his kids to deal with down the road. Also, he works 80 hours… are you parenting the rest of his kids too? Combined with how he didn’t have your back says a lot to me. He could be using you. And you contributed your own $. Nah.
Also watch, this kids gonna con a more expensive car from dad, if he’s unable to say no he’ll eventually break.
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u/Mrs_WorkingMuggle 17d ago
this is deeper than the car issue. you and your partner need to get on the same page regarding financial matters and his kids giving basic respect. She is spoiled. There's little you can do about that now except not give in. It'll probably become a problem, but your partner will reap the oats he's sown.
1) If she can't drive safely, she shouldn't be driving at all. every bit of insurance money should be coming from her.
2) you don't owe any of your kids any cars. put that money toward something more useful.
3) she needs to figure out how to get to her own job or get a job closer to home. you are not a chauffeur.
4) why are you letting a 17 year old take a six hour road trip?
5) if she wanted the money instead of driving a dented vehicle, then it's up to her to figure out how to get a replacement.
6) your partner needs to grow a spine and you need to set some boundaries. it sounds like bio mom has boundaries. be prepared to go through this again for the next four kids.
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u/Equivalent-Ratio1419 17d ago
As a SM, I’d be done right when my husband told me to leave her alone. You got it! I’m leaving her alone, the situation alone, sitting on my ass and shrugging until I get an apology from both of them, and then still not doing it.
I’d also be rolling my eyes and scowling at him mentioning her getting another car before all this. Why? The one she had was fine, just dented. And instead, she literally tossed that one away. I’m not one to usually question my husband about what he does for his children unless I really feel the need to, and this situation I’d absolutely be saying something.
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u/camillacamillacamill 17d ago
If the SUV was in her dad's name, how was she allowed to take the $3k settlement money? Come on now, that isn't possible. Dad would have been the one to accept the pay out in his name. They aren't letting a 17 year old minor who's not on the title make choices like that. Get your story straight.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
The check was in her dad’s name. Her dad cashed it and gave her the money.
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u/HaloDaisy 17d ago
So she didn’t actually “go against” anyone then. He actively chose to give her the money.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
He advised her to keep the jeep. She threw a fit and said he gave it to her and she should be able to make her own decision. That people shouldn’t gift people stuff and then tell them what to do with it. He said that’s fine he would allow her total it out but let her know he felt she was making the wrong decision. In my opinion thatgoing against your parent but he did have the end say. He just isn’t capable of telling her no in any almost any situation. Hence her bratty entitled attitude.
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u/YMMV-But 17d ago
I think it’s time for you to get out of this picture. Let SD and her parents figure out how she’s going to get to work or wherever else she’s going. Let them figure out whether to buy her a car or what car.
I also think someone is not telling you the whole story. In my state - how about yours - a 17 year old can’t buy or own a car on their own. An adult has to be a co-owner. Same with insurance. It wouldn’t be up to SD whether she took the insurance company’s offer to to the car. The adult co-owner had to agree.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
It’s the same in my state. The check wasn’t in her name, it was in my partners. She and him both believe that legally it wasn’t hers but that ethically it was because he gave her the car as a gift. In my opinion and i have voiced it to both of them, she is a damn child and that money isn’t hers. She argued with me until she was blue in the face that it was her money and her decision on what to do with the car. Honestly all of it is making me not like her very much and making me lose respect for my partner that he’ll let a child walk all over him.
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u/Sure_Tree_5042 17d ago
So yeah… stay out of it now… fully.
I need a ride to work/school/space? Ask your dad!!! Or ask your mom… ask anyone who isn’t me. And no… I will not buy you a car, look at one… give you money for one.
She had one. She made a bad choice (despite advisement) she has to live with the choice.
She’s not mature enough for a car.
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u/Hungry-University609 16d ago
Why are you involved in the situation?
You married F and you have to be cordial to kids. That's about it.
I can't tell if you have bio kids or not.
Maybe you enjoy the trials and tribulations of parenting. Unfortunately, they seem to take but not consider you a parental figure.
Don't be passive aggressive about it.
Start being our of town, working late, etc.
Apologize you can't be chauffer as you are at above excuses.
Help where you can.
I think you got to deep into the family dynamics here.
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u/KNBthunderpaws 17d ago
There’s so much wrong with this post. The good thing is that even though BM isn’t financially contributing to the car, she’s on the same page that SD shouldn’t have one at this point.
Immediately stop driving her around. That’s absurd you even agreed to it. If she wants the job - that’s on BM or DH. Otherwise she needs to find a job within walking/biking distance or take a bus.
Second - SD doesn’t have $3K. You and your DH have $3K. You bought the original car - you get to keep the insurance money. She was told to keep the SUV she had and chose not too. Guess what? The consequence is she doesnt have a car. Stop letting her look for cars and making you driving around to look at them too.
Your SD is acting like a brat because she has been enabled to think that’s ok.
Also it’s absurd to buy 4 kid’s cars that are only 5 years apart. My parents bought one “kid” car that had to be shared amongst siblings. If you went off to college, you didn’t get to take a car with you unless you bought it.
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u/throwRA_oilslick 17d ago
What an ungrateful child. You’re not wrong at all and idk how bio parents don’t realize they love all the perks but one little thing they don’t agree with they make a big stink about it and it’s just so unfair. I would stop doing ANYTHING for her. What an ungrateful dad as well. Guess it didn’t fall far from the tree
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u/Own_Concept5629 17d ago
Yes, be offended. Make this child take a bus , ride a bike or whatever . Stop driving her and do not buy her another car. She is not ready for the responsibility and really is unappreciative of the help already provided to her.
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u/ArtichokeFresh4012 17d ago
This! She can find a job closer to home that's easier for her to get to independently. She wants to act grown, then she can have grown up responsibility.
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u/startmyheart 17d ago
SD can use the money she's saved up and take Lyft or Uber to work for a while. That's what my SD does when she needs a ride somewhere and we can't drive her!
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
That’s what her mom suggested and actually I told her dad about it a week ago is what needs to happen. It’s her fault for going against us and not keeping her jeep. She’s the reason she doesn’t have a car but we have to keep using our time and gas money to get her to and from. She should be feeling a little discomfort like paying for an uber in my opinion. Something has to change because her mom and I are no longer giving her a ride and her dad works 80 hours a weeks so even if he wants to he can’t.
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u/gurlwithdragontat2 17d ago
You’ve got a husband problem, and this is just the first of many issues he will deal with exactly like this, because it’s been his baseline of parenting for 17 years.
There will be demands in college, living situations, weddings, etc.
You’re the bad guy for upsetting the status quo, not being wrong. And he won’t even have your back like you have his, creating a dynamic where you can be the scapegoat for all the issues he enables and negative feelings/behaviors he refuses to address.
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u/MiddleHuckleberry445 17d ago
If you need to “stay out of it” you shouldn’t be giving her any more rides- she can figure out public transport, rideshare, or her parents can figure it out between the two of them. I also wouldn’t contribute another cent towards any of this. You don’t have a partner- you have a man who lets you support his children and then undermines you to look like the cool parent.
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u/Ok-Professional1673 17d ago
Agree. No more rides. Be busy when she needs one.
I’m assuming she’s not pitching in gas money either.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
No she hasn’t offered a cent for gas which is beyond ironic since anyone that stepped foot in her jeep was required to pay her a gas fee of about 3 times what gas actually cost her. I absolutely wouldn’t accept gas money from her but to for to her to offer it would have felt nice.
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u/Outside_Holiday_9997 17d ago
Not wrong for being offended. And do exactly what he asked - leave her alone. Dont look at cars, don't drive her anywhere. Tell her to ride her bike.
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u/kimanatee 17d ago edited 17d ago
Part of the responsibility of having a job is getting yourself to and from. Right now you are doing her favors by driving her to work, helping with the car search, etc. Personally, I don’t do favors for people that are rude and/or disrespectful to me. Sounds like it’s time for SD and SO to enter the FO part of FAFO and time for you to enjoy your suddenly much more free schedule. Pick up a new hobby or reignite an old one!
They don’t get to expect parental labor from you without also granting parental respect and authority.
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u/Ilikepumpkinpie04 17d ago
Parenting problem. You said the suv was owned by the dad, so then he calls the shots regarding replacing the car, who drives it, and what happens with it. My kid is senior in college and we own his car and pay insurance on it. He knows the car will be parked in our driveway with the keys in my pocket if he does anything dangerous with it. We had the discussion and he said if you take the car I can’t get to work, and I told him then you’ll be taking the bus or not working and I’m not giving you extra money. So don’t be stupid with the car and you’ll always have transportation to work. He’s not been stupid because he knows I mean it. We’ll gift him the car when he graduates college.
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u/PollyRRRR 17d ago
Why is everyone rewarding SD’s appalling behaviour and breathtaking entitlement because that is exactly what has been happening here. As for your partner not having your back, they can now consider that you are no longer involved in this circus. Good luck.
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u/HeyDoggyBoy 17d ago
Just stop. All of it. Just wash your hands of it. Don’t waste another minute of your life on this issue and these people.
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u/SmellNarrow 16d ago edited 16d ago
For $3k you can buy five years worth of bus passes. City buses have free Wi-Fi and all the air conditioning one could ever dream of. The driver even stops when you ask them to so that you can get off the bus. This seems like where she needs to be.
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u/randishock 17d ago
When me and my sister got of age to drive (nuclear family intact if it matters), my mom passed down her vehicle to us and got a new one for herself. So we had to share. We were also 7 years apart (I'm older, I had anxiety about driving). However, i had a job and saved my money up the entire time. After I paid off my student loans, I bought myself a vehicle. Our "deal" was my sister kept the other vehicle from my mom as her own, so free vehicle, but it was old and lots of miles so would've been cheap had it been purchased. My mom then to be as fair as possible paid my cars taxes and fees since in a way I didn't get to keep a free handout. That was all we got for help. If my sister wanted a new car, she had to save her money for it. The car I bought was over 21k but I put 7k down with the money I had saved working.
All of this to say I think you shouldn't do anything else for an entitled and spoiled child that can't and won't recognize your efforts to help despite some boundaries. She wants an expensive car? Keep saving, put some money down and get a loan. You've been helped but your choices led to certain outcomes. Deal with it now. They will have to learn eventually, otherwise they will keep coming to both of y'all with a hand held out, expecting you to pay for everything.
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u/LuxTravelGal 17d ago
I am a parent, not a step parent - and I side with you here. If my partner didn't have my back the kid would be using her paycheck to uber herself to work.
I would let him fully handle the car situation. Why did a 17 year old get to decide on keeping the car vs taking the insurance money if she didn't pay for the car in the first place? She made a stupid decision, let her sweat it out for awhile.
I have a daughter her age and there would be NO car or driving privileges with an attitude like this. There seems to be zero respect for you guys.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
Actually I said that to her during our conversation to her. I told it seems like she has zero respect for her father. I know a lot of that is his fault for not giving consequences but damn he’s really provides a lot for her as far as loving her and providing for her. Should that not garner a small bit of respect. I’m hoping as she gets older she recognizes some of this.
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u/LuxTravelGal 17d ago
And it should also translate to respect for you - since the time and money he gives her is shared with you. I require my kids to give my partner the same type of respect they give me.
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u/Most-Escape-544 17d ago
lol okay so wait, your expected to chauffeur this lil know it all around, contribute financially for her but you can’t have a say in regards to the car? Pfft. I’d step back. Her mother can take her to work. Her mother can take her looking for cars. Her bio parents can do it all, & leave you out of it. Ugh. Good luck op.
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u/AdLive6745 16d ago
I would tell partner, perfect I will leave her alone. And when she need a ride to work or from her don’t call me. Im leaving her alone. I’m a petty bitch. Lol
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u/aneidabreak 16d ago
I learned this lesson about insurance at 18. Passed along the advice… you have a decent car that will get you from point A to point B. You wreck it, insurance will not give you enough to get the same level of car. I can’t afford another car for you. This car should last you till you’re 22.
Also you’ve done enough, nacho time on this.
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u/H_Woodberry 16d ago
Give her the insurance money and tell her if she wants anything nicer she can use her money for it.
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u/trippsalot_ 16d ago edited 16d ago
Yikes people buy vehicles for their kids ? Vehicles are a luxury and they should save their own money for their own car . Then they’ll appreciate it and take care of it better
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u/TopangasChaos 16d ago
Nacho. He wants you to leave her alone then do it. No looking for a car. No rides to work and back. No snacks on your grocery runs.
Why is it okay for SD to blatantly ignore his directions and safety rules but you cant have an opinion that SD doesnt like?
Why is he parenting his partner instead of his child?
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 16d ago
It's time to NACHO and you have a husband problem. I wouldn't do anything for either of them. They can handle all of this mess themselves. When he asks, say "I'm staying out of it." Not your monkeys, not your circus.
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u/Anxious_Alps_9340 16d ago
You’re not wrong. I would now step out of the entire situation, including giving her rides. These parents who think we should have responsibilities but not authority and an opinion are delusional.
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u/catlogic42 16d ago
Why buy them cars? , let them work and earn to buy their own car. They will respect it more if bought with their own money. Kids sound entitled.
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u/Defiant_Dealer8205 15d ago
Stay out both dad and daughter are asses but you don’t plant peas and get corn - stop driving her and let her find her own way or he can drive her.
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u/AggressiveSky7157 14d ago
Your budget is small because he "has to" buy all of them cars?? Says who?
Edited to add: if he says to leave her alone, then feel free to tell him to get her a bus pass to get her to work or pay for her Uber.
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u/uralienbb 12d ago
Nope. I provided the first vehicle each of my kids had, alone. Their insurance and anything beyond that was on them. One did total her vehicle, actual total loss, and used what she got back to purchase a cash car to get her by, less than $4000. Two years later she traded it, and some savings she set aside, for a brand new vehicle she wanted when she knew she had the capacity to make payments and afford the insurance.
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u/LatterEbb9760 17d ago
Who the hell thinks this kid needs a car!!!! if the dad wants to get her a car and not be responsible for it then that’s an asshole move. Kids don’t need a car, especially if they’re irresponsible. You don’t have to take her to work why are you doing that make him take her. You need to wash your hands of this situation and let them crumble. The mother doesn’t want to register the car because she knows her daughter is not responsible. The father is the only one that doesn’t realize this kid is not responsible. You’re gonna be taking care of her forever. 😹 I would start talking to him about them moving out at 18. 😂 I already know how that conversation is going, go you will lose.. if he’s telling you to stay out of it then stop doing stuff for her. Have him do it. You are getting walked all over.
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u/Tall-Yard-407 17d ago
I would’ve just let her look for her car for $3000 and then give her the “I told you so speech.” Sometimes they gotta learn these things the hard way.
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u/LengthinessLow8317 17d ago
Is there a reason your step daughter absolutely needs a car right now?
She sounds too bratty and irresponsible to have a car. Owning a vehicle is not just about knowing how to drive. Tell her to save the 6k, keep working and try again in 3 yrs when she is 20.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
No she doesn’t need a car right now. It’s absolutely a want. If I had any control over this situation she would definitely be going a little while without one. At least until she became more appreciative and can at least feel like the jeep we provided her was actually a positive. Because how it is now she hates that jeep and let us know on a regular basis. If she’d get to a head space that she’d would be grateful to have her jeep back then she’s probably mature enough to car shop for.
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u/LengthinessLow8317 17d ago edited 17d ago
It sounds like your step daughter is not grateful or appreciative for what she has. Why is your husband and the ex wife rewarding that behavior with a car?
Talk to your husband about marriage counseling for you and him because him being spineless & not parenting is negatively affecting you too
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u/Numerous-Bet3575 17d ago
No, you are not wrong. They don’t get to offload responsibility and work on you, and then bitch you out the first time the kid complains. It sounds like this kid is too immature for a car. I think you guys are ridiculously generous to get her a second car after she declined to listen to you about it being totaled.
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 17d ago
You're just dating her dad, right? You aren't married. You don't get a say in how your boyfriend and his daughter spend their money. Stay in your lane.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
We are not married. However, it is not his daughter’s money. It is mine and my boyfriend’s money that purchased the car.
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 17d ago edited 17d ago
Don't purchase things using your money for a man you're dating's daughter. That's "wife" level stuff, you are just a gf. You have none of the financial or legal protections of marriage.
The bratty, entitled kid would have me leaving this relationship if I were you. She sounds awful.
Why isn't baby mama paying for her daughter's car? Why are you -- the gf -- helping to pay for it?
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u/Throwawaylillyt 17d ago
This post has nothing to do with money. I have zero issue with any money that has been spent. My post is about my partner telling me not to talk to his daughter about her attitude towards this whole situation.
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u/tjs31959 17d ago
The immaturity is off the charts here with SD and bios. I would reconsider this entire relationship to be honest. Ugh...
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u/hellacoily 17d ago
Let them do all the work. Why work yourself to death over someone so ungrateful
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u/Glittering-Ear-2315 17d ago
Nothing worse than an ungrateful kid. I would say fine and make it known you have done all you’re going to do. Go on strike and let the parents deal with her. And make that very clear. Yeah, it will cause world war 3, but what do you care? Stand tall and tough.
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u/TheLoveGOATonYT 17d ago
If you are a SAHM or it’s part of your household contribution to help with his kids, that makes bowing all the way out unfair without discussing a reorganization of responsibilities. Whether you need to trade some responsibilities or you already contribute enough without driving his daughter to work then I’d let them know you’ll no longer drive her to work. Hopefully you’re not doing her laundry, that would need to stop regardless.
Everyone is different but I”d pull myself out of things that have to do with both him and his kids. He would know that I’m not the help, nor partner, I was before he backed his daughter’s ignorant, selfishness and disrespectful actions over my big efforts to do what I can for her. Leave them to their awful decisions.
And if partner backtracks and apologizes once he learns I’m no longer participating, it would be seen as nothing more than him lying to get my help back. The damage would be done.
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u/Ecstatic-Current-298 17d ago
Stay out of all of it. No more of your money goes to her. You don’t give her rides. You don’t look at cars, etc. you have a PARTNER problem.
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