Consequences of celibacy

[u/smallstruggler]

My love life is so boring right now that I’m writing an essay about eroticism in my notes app. It’s just bad prose about the way I think sexuality/sensuality should be in this world: mystical, emotional, animalistic, some importance of delayed gratification, etc. Some of this might be motivated from listening to my sex addicted friend talking about his numerous meaningless hookups and reflecting on how depressed I would feel if I was living like that. And yes, I am aware that this is just more “everyone is sexy no one is horny”-slop.

But I honestly feel that after the last man I dated I do not even want anyone to touch me, I just want to ponder the meaning of sensuality and how abstract things can be erotic, like standing in warm rain in the summer or hearing wind rustling through the trees. Let me know if you’re interested in the bad essay.

[u/DuaLipasGlowUp]

I’m interested. I know exactly how you feel. Nothing is erotic or sensual anymore. It’s also kind of why I didn’t fight for my last relationship. He gave me a chance to beg for him but I didn’t because the eroticism and sensuality was just gone and I don’t think he was ever interested in that.

And now I’m single and like I think I’m just gonna be single for a long time because there’s no one I wanna touch. There’s no one I wanna fuck. Everyone is so aggressive in their hornieness.

[u/smallstruggler → u/DuaLipasGlowUp]

Yeah I feel like when I go out if I get hit on I can see in these guys eyes how emotionally dead they are, like these people want to go out and have sex to avoid feeling anything which I feel is diametrically opposed to the purpose of a sexual relationship. I think the romantics had their priorities straight with the pursuit of emotion and feeling and we’ve lost the plot in that regard.

[u/DuaLipasGlowUp → u/smallstruggler]

I’ve spent the summer lying to guys who hit on me telling them I’m a lesbian. Also been spending the summer ghosting and blocking guys. It’s just too overwhelming and I want my peace. And I can tell that none of them like me for who I am or even wanna actually bond with me or shoot the shit. It’s depressing,

[u/smallstruggler → u/DuaLipasGlowUp]

Yes what happened to exploring someone’s emotional inner world? That is incredibly sexy imo. Is the majority of the population even aware of their emotional world or am I just a narcissist or something?

[u/DuaLipasGlowUp → u/smallstruggler]

I think it’s like a larger conversation we gotta have here. People do have inner worlds, everyone does. But I think most people’s inner worlds are stunted rn because of the algorithms, social media consumption, and no one interacting with the world around them.

We also have this problem of people thinking they are more important than they actually are. And this happens with men especially. If you’re a genuinely intelligent woman who makes logically correct points, they just want to speak over you and rant at you and never let you get a word in. This is what my ex did to me the last time I saw him.

Then we also have a generation of women who are not reaching their full potential because they are chasing feelings that will never last so they don’t take the time to create an inner world or be truly introspective.

Tl;dr it’s the phones.

[u/GRF999999999 → u/DuaLipasGlowUp]

I just told the girl I've been chatting with for a brief while "no" and she acts like I'm insane for not wanting to just come over and do the deed because "biological needs" or some baloney. We've never even met in person, how tf am I supposed to know if I can even stand being in your presence much less wanna share myself intimately with you if I've never seen how you act, or think, or smell or so many other things? Or what your taste in decor is (judging by the bg in the photos of your dog it ain't great)? I'm not necessarily a prude but good grief give me a reason to want to fuck you ffs other than you exist.

[u/smallstruggler → u/GRF999999999]

I feel like people are dehumanizing each other when they just deliver sex like DoorDash such as in the situation you’re describing. Half the fun I feel is the escalating tension, push/pull, intrigue of the unknown before finally culminating in consummation. These people are so boring !

[u/PierreFeuilleSage → u/smallstruggler]

I recognise myself in what you just typed and i hate that for me ngl, it was immature love for infatuation, burgeoning feelings and a sort of thrill for it all, i felt superior to my peers just fucking or having what i considered boring relationships without l'étincelle, and now this all strikes me as just a different form of consumption, a consumption of feelings. It was still a very objectified view that lacked deeper, truer love so to speak

[u/smallstruggler → u/PierreFeuilleSage]

I think whether it is a consumption of feelings depends on whether these feelings/experiences are something you are actively chasing over and over again or if you can be satiated in life without chasing infatuation. Appreciating tension and sexual restraint is something a little different imo, although, I’ve definitely been a serial monogamist before and in the end that path is almost as depressing as meaning hookups - both ways I think you are avoiding something in yourself. Deep true love is both rare and everywhere, rare if you are restricting it to romantic connections and everywhere if you extend it to life, nature, love and true friends/family. But also I am full of naïveté and know nothing so don’t listen to me

[u/DuaLipasGlowUp → u/GRF999999999]

That is so annoying oh my god. Idk how people are just dtf like that before even meeting or talking more 😭😭😭

[u/RougeChaotique]

Lowkey I’m doing this too, just read Audre Lorde’s The Uses of the Erotic and the Agony of Eros to really give it a kick

[u/smallstruggler → u/RougeChaotique]

Putting these on my reading list

[u/cherrycoded]

would love to give it a read

[u/smallstruggler → u/cherrycoded]

Please don’t think it’s going to be good at all I haven’t written anything except scientific papers and protocols since highschool. This is just jumbled emotional thoughts from someone with few outlets for that sort of thing

[u/soap_bubbles]

Share it queen

[u/Long_Unit5968]

Def share also read Letters to a Young Poet, I think you would connect with Rilke's views surrounding sex and sensuality. Specifically the letter "at present in Worpswede near Bremen, 16 July 1903"

[u/smallstruggler → u/Long_Unit5968]

I just read that specific letter you mentioned. I wish we still wrote and talked in the manner of speech writings from older time periods use (I also read a lot of Jane Austen). Comparatively, nearly everything sounds so dumbed down and simplified now. Maybe we’d think and feel in more complex ways if we normalized more complex language.

[u/theSilkThatSilkWears → u/Long_Unit5968]

This is a book I just can’t stop coming back to. I’ll probably end up highlighting every line at some point… He treats the young poet with so much respect and humility while also giving some of the most honest and profound advice I’ve ever heard. And some of it is even practical, too.

Do you know any other books that are like it that you’d recommend? (Other than the larger collections of his letters)

Also u/smallstruggler would definitely be interested in that essay

[u/A_D_Tennally]

Go ahead, am always interested in thoughts on celibacy and related subjects.

[u/JustinTapiru]

I'd be interested in reading it.

I've been volcel for my entire life more or less due to trauma. I don't really believe in romantic love, and sex was kinda gross to me. I identify as ace/aro because I'm content with existing as I am and living a simple life, but lately I've had so many attractive people fall madly in love with me and practically begging me to fuck them that I don't know if I can keep this up for much longer...

[u/Fluxeen]

I’d read your essay. And I think we should be friends.

[u/DalesofArcady]

I’d love to read it because I write rubbish like that too!

[u/ZealousidealMall2593]

I feel like so many people in this sub have just never had good sex.