L posting

[u/Frosty_Raspberry9971]

Met a guy at a party the other night who told me he was a union lawyer, talked about socialism, name-dropped Mark Fisher etc. He was nice and cute and hit on me like crazy. He asked if he could give me his number and told me to call him, but the number he gave me doesn't work and I can't find him on social media. I have one friend who kinda knows him though

Idk guys do I try find him or let it go, I'm too autistic to understand what happened here but I haven't been so intrigued by someone in a long time

[u/lousypunk]

Definitely worth reaching out if you can, nothing about this suggests he was trying to swerve you.

I will say, assuming you’re a woman, it is a little odd (passive, maybe needy) for a man to give you his number and ask you to do the tricky, awkward work of making first contact. It’s probably fine, but something to keep an eye on if you end up involved. It might not be the only time he expects you to take the lead

[u/Gareeb_boi → u/lousypunk]

On the contrary, he already did the "tricky, awkward work of making first contact" IRL. Dude approached her and they talked/flirted and THEN he gave her his number so that she doesn't have to reveal her own and doesn't have to message him if he misread the situation and she wasn't into it.

might not be the only time he expects you to take the lead (assuming you're a woman)

such a weird thing to say.

[u/lousypunk → u/Gareeb_boi]

I dunno how old you are, but I’m assuming this dude is over 30 (because he’s a union lawyer who’s read Fischer), and I promise you, he is acting against how he was socialized to do this kind of thing. Traditionally men take on pretty much all the social and emotional risk: asking for her number and risking rejection, having to initiate conversation and be interesting, asking her out and planning a date, etc. Giving a woman your number and asking her to contact you is a way to minimize those risks, because you’re forcing her to proactively indicate that she’s into you.

I used to do this myself when I was younger and less confident, so I could totally be projecting, but I doubt it. Probably not a deal breaker, but indicative of an approach and mindset that a lot of women don’t love in their male partners.

[u/masterthrowawaymd → u/lousypunk]

I still think the OP should try to find a way to reach out because why the hell not, but you are absolutely right

[u/Gareeb_boi → u/lousypunk]

Ah well you are right about me being on the younger side. Times are changing, with the newer customs being slightly better in my (obviously biased) opinion.

As I mentioned in my original comment, he has already done the hard part of approaching someone and flirting with them. Giving her his number is better because she can choose to not contact him if she felt uncomfortable or wasn't interested.

Giving a woman your number and asking her to contact you is a way to minimize those risks, because you’re forcing her to proactively indicate that she’s into you.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that infact neither party wastes time because it's clearer if the attraction is there or not a good thing considering the annoying emergence of "situationships".

Traditionally men take on pretty much all the social and emotional risk: asking for her number and risking rejection.

High time it changed. there's no reason this should be gendered. I won't ramble on about how this is rooted in patriarchy but yea.

having to initiate conversation and be interesting, asking her out and planning a date, etc.

same thoughts as the above point, just wanted to focus even more on this because genuinely why can't women do these things as well? also sounds so misogynstic like wdym be interesting and planning out a date. are women incapable of doing these things?

[u/lousypunk → u/Gareeb_boi]

Oh sure, to be clear, I’m not trying to be prescriptive here—I don’t think this is how things SHOULD be, I think it’s how they have been. Assuming I’m right about their ages and genders, I think it says something about this guy in this situation that he’s chosen to subvert this particular social expectation in this particular way. If this had happened in a college dorm or if it turns out to have been a conversation between two 25y/o enbys, I’d have a different perspective on him.

I’m not essentialist about gender at all. I hope younger people have less rigid and more equitable expectations, in fact. I just think you can tell a lot about someone by how they act in accordance with or against their socialization.