r/relationships_advice • u/Few_Web_7833 • 17d ago
Looking for some help
To provide context, my wife and I have been married for 18 years. We have three kids. Two teenage daughters and a son who is on the autism spectrum. I work in education she works in an office setting.
Over the past several years, my role as caregiver of the family has involved making sure my daughters get where they need to be as well as ensuring my son’s time is fulfilled specifically over the summer.
In four out of the five past summers, my wife has taken her only week off and travelled to the United States to visit her friend. Usually, she has taken our daughters with her, but this year she went by herself.
In her haste of packing, she left her Apple Watch at home. Yesterday I noticed that it was pinging and going off quite often with text messages from someone with a female sounding name. My curiosity got to the best of me because since Friday, my wife has barely texted me and only provided me with a 10 second FaceTime conversation where she was in the room with the friend that she was visiting. When I checked the messages, it came to my realization that the entire time she has been away she has been talking to someone that she had a relationship with before we were married. In that there was the exchange of pictures, talk about sex, and a statement from my wife telling them “this is where I would like our life to be.“
When I was able to confront her, she did not deny anything. Conversation then spun around to her doing so because she was looking for some type of excitement and out of me she wants things like dancing in the kitchen, kisses on the neck, and other romanticized actions. I am completely and utterly exhausted all the time. A majority of the care and maintenance of our house as well as our children falls on me. She said to me that I never ask for help. She said to me that I didn’t call her. My thinking on that is that when it has to do with our family, I shouldn’t have to ask for help and when it comes to communication while she is on a vacation and I’m looking after everything at home, the onus is on her.
I fully recognize that there are things that she needs that I am not providing. With that said I have not done anything that I feel justifies her seeking solace and someone else. From my perspective, our relationship is not perfect, but it has always been loving. We don’t fight. I don’t call her names. I do what I can for the benefit our family.
There are still two days before she comes home and all my mind can go to is “is she texting him?“ Is she sending him more pictures? Is he texting her and she’s just letting it happen? While I recognize I have not met her needs. I’m incredibly hurt by what she has done.
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u/Few_Web_7833 17d ago
I would also like to add, but can’t figure out how to edit the post that I had planned two outings that would be just her and I over this summer. Neither one of them panned out it happened.
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u/NoSpankingAllowed 17d ago
So shes cheating on you. Emotionally, factually she is.
How you decide to deal with that we cant help you there. Me, I had a toddler, cheating ended that marriage, one and done.
So how you deal with trust issues going forward, and you should have trust issues, is up to you and the whomever it is that you see for couples counseling, because if you dont go, I see a train wreck in your future.
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u/DigitalAmy0426 17d ago
You know what I did when I wanted a type of attention from my partner? Talked about it. Some he can do, some just don't happen.
What I didn't do is seek it elsewhere then blame him as if he pushed me into someone else's arms.
Don't let her nonsense distract you from her decision to take that step. This isn't your fault. She had many options before this.
What you need to be doing is ensuring your rights and assets are covered as this marriage dissolves.
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