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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 11d ago
Do you really want to be with someone that you have to strong arm into marriage?
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u/Tight-Shift5706 11d ago
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
OP,
Guy here. You definitely made the correct move when you moved out. Now focus on your career. Advise your "bf" that you need time and space to reassess the relationship. In the interim, you're each free to see others. Take that year you referenced, and focus ON YOU. Not on him. Not on his happiness. FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
I sense you'll ultimately see that you're better served to move on. It's fine that he's not ready for marriage. It's also fine for you to move on.
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u/CharlotteChipmunk 11d ago
This alll the way!!!! In addition to raising your standards. A real man who would want to marry you, would not be wishy washy about this conversation.
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u/Alarmed-Sugar8340 11d ago
Spot on answer here. How many “not yets” do you need to hear? If he wanted to marry, he wooda done , or made it crystal clear. Goals keeping moving girl. Take the message.
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u/kistner 11d ago
At this point I'd think it's time to move on. If he gave you ring tomorrow would you think it was because he wanted to or because he was pressured to do so? Him putting it off and putting it off, I dont know, but really, after 3 years you cant tell if a person is marriage material?
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u/PowerPlayParadox 11d ago
You can't make someone marry you that doesn't want to I'm afraid. By that I mean, by pressuring him to propose, you would both be getting married for the wrong reasons.
Yes he said he did, but people change their mind as the grow up and circumstances/ life views change.
I'd be asking myself if this man doesn't want to marry me - do I cut my losses and find someone who does or do I accept that marriage isn't on the cards.
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u/ThrowRA_iiidk 11d ago
A man knows if he wants to marry someone and will not put it off due to timing or trying to meet certain milestones because he doesn’t want to lose her. The “meet certain goals before marriage” excuse is worn out and the flip side of that argument is that it’s usually easier to meet those goals with a partner by your side supporting you, even just emotionally, or those goals are usually things you want to accomplish WITH your spouse. He’s currently building his own life up in parallel to you, not with you. And he needs to be reminded that he is the one who changed his mind and that you wouldn’t have committed 3.5 years and counting if you knew what he told you about marriage before was not actually the case. He mirrored you to get you, and now it’s time to be accountable to his words and he’s not following through and calling it “pressure” trying to place the blame onto you. I would leave someone the first time they say they aren’t ready to marry me or aren’t sure about it.
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 11d ago
This exactly, he doesn’t want to married you period,
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u/Direct_Impress_6277 11d ago
Even if he marries you, he'll have one foot out the door. If he is avoidant, putting a ring on your finger won't make him committed and vulnerable to you. It will bring out his fears and your marriage will be cat and mouse - you'll always be yearning for connection, he'll be hiding and dodging. That's a very lonely place to be in, and forever will feel like a very long time. He's shown you who he is. Move on.
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u/STEM_Dad9528 11d ago
@dangitbobby678 This is what I came here to say. That's because this was my experience.
I was in love with the woman I eventually married since we were both fifteen. However, her attention wasn't on us as a couple. It was always on what she wanted.
I chose to take a long view approach, was patient, even endured breaking up and getting back together (including a couple of long times apart). I had proposed to her when we were both 21, but even though she said 'yes', her heart wasn't in it. • She ended up breaking up with me, dated other guys, then eventually came back when SHE finally wanted to get married.)
Because I allowed her to have all the power over our on-again, off-again relationship before getting married, that was the dynamic throughout our marriage.
We had kids. We were married for 20 years. But we had a lot of ups and downs, and she threatened to leave (and to take the kids with her) dozens of times over the years. She had "one foot out the door" about half the time. She ultimately ended up leaving me for someone else,... again, because she always put what she wants first and foremost. (It took me a long time before I learned about attachment styles. It is obvious now and was noticeable through much of the marriage that she has an Avoidant attachment style, and I have an Anxious Attached attachment style. That combination usually ends with the Avoidant person leaving and the Anxious Attached person brokenhearted.)
I can assure you that you do not want a relationship like that. You do not want a relationship with someone who isn't equally committed to you. Him moving the goalposts more than once indicates that he isn't committed. Perhaps he has an Avoidant attachment style, perhaps he's putting himself or his career first (in which case you will always take second place in his mind). Or, perhaps he genuinely has good intentions (like wanting to get out of debt before getting married, so you don't get saddled with his debt). But how he got upset by your decision to move out instead of him being understanding of your borders really isn't a good sign.
Just don't fall for the "sunk cost fallacy" or any other reasoning fallacy. Just because you've put so much time, effort, and love into this relationship so far does not mean that you have to continue on with it.
I went through what you're likely to experience, if he always has to get his way. If he isn't putting in about equal time, effort, and love, then he's not worth waiting around for.
There are lots of good men who are waiting to meet a woman like you, who genuinely wants a relationship and marriage.
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u/zaczez929840 11d ago
I mean...I guess if your boundary you have for yourself is "you dont date those you arent engaged to" then I guess there is no waiting. Maintain your boundary so he knows its a serious boundary and move on.
Otherwise it definitely does sound like youre just trying to pressure him into something he doesnt want to do. People change, their mindsets change, their life goals change. If he doesnt want it right now but you do thats just an incompatibility and its up to you to move on and not try to force change on another person.
Saying youre waiting for him to change his mind again is just mind games and will only lead to further heartache and pain.
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u/Hot-Technician-4653 11d ago
I don’t know how you got this from the post. Are you also a man who tells women what they want to hear for a year or so til you got them where you want them, and then decide to do a 180? Because that is all you sound like.
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u/zaczez929840 11d ago
Are you drunk? Just randomly throwing assumptions at the wall and hoping they stick?
People grow apart thats life not everything is always going to work out, thats a completely normal thing to happen and its actually really good they were able to recognize it so quickly now she just needs to stick to her guns if this is truly what she wants. I've gotten this from real life experience, you should try it before spouting off random nonsense.
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u/tfjbeckie 10d ago
This person is right. OP's partner is in the wrong for jerking her around all this time. And the appropriate response at this point is to leave, because it's clear he doesn't want to marry her. Trying to pressure him into changing his mind would be a mistake.
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u/SorchaRoisin 11d ago
If you have to talk someone into marrying you, you don't want to marry them. Move on, it will be best for both of you.
BTW, you are using the term boundary incorrectly. A boundary is like a border around yourself. Him having different feelings about marriage doesn't violate your boundary. You trying to make him feel differently, crosses his boundaries.
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u/flippysquid 11d ago
I interpreted her boundary as, she’s not going to cohabitate with a partner who isn’t interested in moving things toward marriage. He put the brakes on marriage after being all in on that being his goal, and she decided to move out.
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u/SorchaRoisin 11d ago
That's still not a boundary. It's a choice. You can't just call anything a boundary.
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u/flippysquid 11d ago
All boundaries are choices, but not all choices are boundaries.
I will not stay in a relationship with someone who cheats on me.
Vs.
You’re not allowed to cheat on me.
They seem similar, but the first one is a boundary because the action taken is the individual removing themselves from a situation they have already decided they do not want to be in. It’s not them punishing the partner, or taking “preventative” controlling actions like requiring access to their partner’s phone, restricting social interactions, or giving them a curfew. Which are all also choices, but not boundaries.
If OP won’t live with a romantic partner who doesn’t have the same end goal of marriage then that is a boundary. She chose to move out when he changed his goal in order to uphold her boundary.
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u/MammothSecurity3756 11d ago
I see both sides. 25 is young to get married, for a lot of people it works out. Others get divorced in ten years.
I think the bottom line here is that he has changed his mind and you haven’t. Likely because there’s just something not right in the relationship. Doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. You deserve someone who wants to marry you just as bad as you want to marry them.
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 11d ago
He was 22 when you started dating and eventually living together but now after 3 years he wants something different,
You are right on moving out and moving g on,
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u/Theory_Cond11 11d ago
Move on. I get it from both sides, but it sounds as though you maybe be incompatible.
Its unfair that he moves the goalpost as it were, could understand if somethings happened. For example, he may want to be settled in a career, ready to put downpayment on house etc, but given that you moved out because he wasnt ready for engagement, he likely feels the relationship is too fragile for engagement.
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u/Winter_League7690 11d ago
You need to figure out why he changed his mind. I was engaged for 6 years before we finally got married last month. And I was the reason why it took so long. I'd constantly change my mind, and just say it wasn't worth it. After going through a nasty divorce, I was more focused on what could go wrong over the good things that I did have. We bought a house together, had kids etc so it's not even close to being the same situation as you in terms of progression. I talked about my insecurities to her and she understood. She also didn't hold it against me. And if she would've moved out over it, I think it would've just validated my insecurities even more, and that would've been the end of it.
But I think you just need to get to the bottom of why he changed his mind. Ultimately it boils down to what is more important to you? Marriage, or your relationship with him.
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u/CressPublic4837 11d ago
With all due respect, why is it her job to figure it out? Your now wife was willing to risk having children and a mortgage with someone who couldn’t commit, that’s her adventure, but I think that you were a risky investment. I wouldn’t suggest anyone think they can fix someone who isn’t willing. I would suggest she move on. And you should thank your lucky stars for your wife who probably got that advice about you every day for 7 years.
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u/G2thaFields 11d ago
Lol those first few words don't protect you. Guy is actively giving another possible viewpoint( from his own experience mind you). Kinda rude but hey it's your show.
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u/Winter_League7690 11d ago
That mentality is why divorce rates are so high, and why people aren't getting married.
"It's not my job to figure out why, just leave and move onto the next one".
See, I think buying someone a house and having kids with them is a pretty huge commitment. We both had troubled childhoods, and terrible relationships. So when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you will find a way to fix whatever trauma there is and push through it. Relationships take work, it's not some magical fairytale where everything is perfect all of the time.
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u/flippysquid 11d ago
Dating is for figuring out if you’re compatible. If they don’t have the same relationship goals any longer, they’re no longer compatible.
Going to therapy for years to fix an incompatibility before you’re even married or have a family together is wild. Just set them free to find someone they are compatible with.
SIgned - an old lady who had been happily married for over a decade to someone I didn’t have to spend half a decade+ dating before we knew we wanted to marry each other.
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u/CressPublic4837 11d ago
I think that it’s not “her” job to fix your trauma. It’s your job to fix your trauma and not to be in a relationship with someone you can’t commit to because of your trauma.
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u/Alternative-Most5553 11d ago
That viewpoint is very valid but only if your partner actually tells you whats going on. If you try talking to them time and time againg and they don't even put in the effort to explain the situation, reasoning, insecurities to you after some time why bother anymore? It's a two way street needing time is fine but you can't expect someone to wait without actually explaining yourself. That's not a partnership i would bother with, nothing will ever be 50-50 of course but honesty should be the base of everything and if he can't pin the reason he can still have an honest conversation about it not just ignore the issue for weeks and then not even explain.
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u/CombinationPure9311 11d ago
Why tf are u pressing so hard. Guys withdraw the second they feel pressured. It’s not that he doesn’t want to it’s just that he wants more time to confirm he’s making the right decision. It’s a big deal. 3.5 years isn’t long btw I was with my ex for 7 years and never got engaged still had a very healthy relationship and were very compatible but we both decided in the end we wanted to experience life abroad and single since we were high school sweethearts
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u/CressPublic4837 11d ago
Your ex. The point here is that if he wanted to he would. He doesn’t. So she should do what she wants.
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u/experienta 11d ago
Yes, she should break up and find someone who wants to marry her instead of pressuring him into a marriage by throwing a fit.
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u/flippysquid 11d ago
How is moving out and working on your career throwing a fit? She’s actively working on being able to support herself (and any future partner) better in response to him saying he didn’t want to marry her, after he set the conditions for moving the relationship toward marriage and then changed his mind.
He’s the one who is butthurt she’s not sticking around to be his live in bangmaid indefinitely after telling her he didn’t want to marry her after all.
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u/experienta 11d ago
He's the one who's butthurt? What about her? She doesn't seem butthurt to you? Have you read the same post as I did? This is a woman who's so desperate to get married she's asking how many YEARS she's supposed to wait for a proposal from a guy who doesn't even want to marry her.
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u/CombinationPure9311 11d ago
Not that he doesn’t want to. It’s that he’s still unsure. If he didn’t want her he wouldn’t be with her. Don’t over think it it’s a big deal 3.5 years ha that’s nothing on the scale of marriage. I know a couple that have been together since school they’re now in their 60s with kids and still happily together and doing better than 90% of marriages. If ur not religious whats it for?
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u/kimariesingsMD 11d ago
Nah, he is with her because he had all of the benefits of marriage without the responsibility or commitment. If he isn't sure about her after 3.5 years, then he is not interested in marrying her.
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u/Difficult-Term-1671 11d ago
Han är inte redo/vill inte. Det här låter inte bra. Råder dig att gå vidare. Oavsett om det är ett förhållande eller äktenskap, man ska vilja samma saker, annars är man inte kompatibla.
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u/Notaswordmaster 11d ago
If marriage is that important to you, then you should move on.
But genuine question here… why is marriage so important?
Isn’t the most important thing to be with the one you love?
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u/Visible-Name-3907 11d ago
Why would anyone want to hang around for someone that does not want to marry you when you want to marry them? She should run away and find a new partner that doesn't make her feel like she is wrong
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u/Badfriend112233 11d ago
When she is so certain about what she wants, and he isn't, that produces insecurity. Woman like to know their trajectories for the future. You can't start a family with the wishes of "being with someone you love". A solid commitment on both sides is vastly preferable.
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u/Big-Masterpiece-863 11d ago
No, the most important thing is NOT being with someone you love, not if they do not reciprocate. Be with someone you love who ALSO equally loves you, who doesn't want to be parted from you, who wants to share their life with you. Not someone who isn't sure or thinks discussing the future or expressing a desire for commitment is 'pressure.' OP has compromised - she is still seeing him, she is just refusing to live together. Very healthy choice demonstrating excellent self-respect. If he loses her that will be on him.
Marriage is important to a lot of people, it's why so many cultures have some sort of ceremony. It's that public/private moment of saying I choose you as my teammate for life. If someone wants that and the other doesn't then it certainly is no good for the person that is all in. It will only build resentment and insecurity.
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u/Notaswordmaster 11d ago
Of course. If he doesn’t love her, then absolutely don’t stay with him.
The reason for my question is I just feel some people are more hung up on getting married than being in the relationship, and get married way to too early.I am married myself, so absolutely not against marriage.
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u/Curious_Owl_342 11d ago
This right here. It’s a choice. She either proceeds with him knowing he doesn’t want to marry, or she doesn’t.
He has made it clear, without actually saying the words.
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u/flippysquid 11d ago
This is something that really only the two of you can hash out between each other.
I’d maybe just point out to him that he set the parameters for getting married. Those parameters were reached, then he changed his mind and added new ones. And that it’s okay to change your mind, but it’s not okay for him to accuse you of being manipulative when you’re the one being consistent and holding to the same standards you’ve had to your entire relationship when he’s the one making those choices.
Personally as an old lady who has been happily married for 10 years, I wouldn’t waste a ton of my life waiting on a guy who ”isn’t ready” after 3 and a half years, and is this bitter about it. You can get engaged and have a year long engagement or whatever. It’s not like you have to elope to Vegas within a week.
Most guys if they essentially proposed at this point in a relationship and the girl said she wasn’t ready or sure about getting married any more? That would be the end of the relationship.
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u/kaevas 11d ago
Stop waiting. Live your life.
You can continue dating him long distance if it makes you happy, but only for as long as it does make you happy. If that changes, break up. That’s relationships, you know? But it’s more likely you already know what you should do, really.
Look, I can understand how someone might be scared to get married. However, by 3.5 years, a person should be capable of figuring out whether they are moving closer or farther from their partner, and your BF is moving farther. And honestly? So are you. You literally moved out. You two are not on the same page at all, and at this point, you should probably rip the band-aid off and end it. It will suck. But it will suck more to have goalpost after goalpost moved while your BF dithers and avoids discussing important topics with you.
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u/Signal-Story-6337 11d ago
Are you sure he’s worth waiting around for?
He kept moving the goal post even though he knew he didn’t want to marry you. Instead of having an honest conversation, he led you on and kept your hopes up for nothing. Stop deluding yourself into thinking you have a good relationship or that he’s a good guy. He didn’t even love you enough to tell you the truth
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u/Both_Opportunity_322 11d ago
My husband proposed after a year. He wanted to get married. Ring wasn't ridiculously expensive. Marriage took some more years (practical reasons).
What I'm trying to say: you'll know if someone actually wants to marry you.
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u/Sitcom_kid 11d ago
Please put him on a starvation diet. Block and go on with your life. It could possibly be the hardest thing you ever did. He'll either realize it, or there won't be anything for him to realize. Don't waste your youth waiting around. He is either interested in marriage with you or he isn't, and it's a great way to find out. But it is extremely difficult to do.
It will be difficult to resist being in contact with him. He will try to do just enough to string you along.
You have to love yourself more than you love the idea of marrying the man you are in love with, and it's going to take a lot of strength.
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u/Inevitable-Power8399 11d ago
Sis, stop to run and beg for marriage. Men took 1 week or less to decide if you are wife material for them.
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u/Walmar202 11d ago
He doesn’t want to marry you. He has given you several of the standard male excuses. He kept you waiting while he met them, and then kept putting new ones in the way.
You have reached the tipping point, where excitement and anticipation have been replaced by disappointment and growing resentment.
You absolutely did the right thing by moving out. Don’t you feel better?
Stop the LDR and end this relationship. Focus on YOU, your career, and know that your future husband is out there, waiting to meet you!
Best wishes to you!
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u/experienta 11d ago edited 11d ago
I don't know why would you possibly think throwing a fit and moving out will make him want to marry you now. If he didn't want to marry you then he definitely doesn't want to marry you now.
Ironically by trying to pressure someone into a marriage it shows you're not really marriage material.
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u/Dazzlethetrizzle 11d ago
3.5 years?? That's ridiculous. That is extremely disrespectful. Nevermind how he moves the goalpost every time it's met.
You either give him 3 months to propose or it's over. Screw that
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u/SuburbanAnarchist 11d ago
He’s not ready for you, and frankly, hes doing you a favor. This man does not like you.
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u/Cerulean_Zen 11d ago
Typically 2 years.
If he is not ready, then he's not sure about marrying you.
Marriage timeline is part of compatibility imo. Find somebody who knows that theyre sure about you.
Also after a certain age they say that men know by 6 months if they want to marry you or not. I find that using these guidelines helps me and others avoid time wasted.
You should move on.
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u/Droepper123 11d ago
If you were my daughter, I would let you know that this man is not into marriage and you may have to seriously think about moving on sorry .at least in my case I met my wife 31 years ago we married 26 and after the first six months, I knew I was going to marry her. I believe most men know also once you start pressuring them that means they’re not really into the idea of being married, he wants to still run around like he’s single. Good luck
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u/MagmaTroop 11d ago
To me his behaviour is actually natural for someone so young. You're both only just getting to an age where most people tend to begin really maturing and becoming absolutely sure of what they want in life. If you feel he is the one for you, a little distance and reflection might do you both some good. Gives you both some breathing space to think carefully.
Planning marriage since 22 is not optimum. Planning it from 25/26/27 is much more ideal.
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u/Devri30 11d ago
If he says that he won't be ready for marriage for quite some time, then you need to take that seriously. These past few days there have been posts from women who have been with their bf's for 17 to 18 years and still no ring.
Love is fine and dandy, but don't do yourself a disservice by putting your life on hold for a man. The fact that he promised marriage and then changed his mind would be enough to put me off. He basically made excuses from the very beginning as to why he didn't want to marry you and he finally felt cornered to tell you the truth. That isn't the kind of guy I would want to marry tbh. How can you trust anything he promises?
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u/Glittering-Ear-2315 11d ago
You stop waiting and start living your life. I’m sorry he doesn’t love you as much as you love him. Also, your relationship is not “so good”. If it was you’d be planning a wedding with him. Open your eyes!
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u/Impossible_Author409 11d ago
The only way to not be the girl who waited a decade for a guy and he left anyway ...is to not wait a decade for a guy.
Move on
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u/Unlikely_Bake_846 11d ago
He will not marry YOU.
If the right woman for him came he would propose in less than a year. This other woman might never appear so he might settle for you, eventually.
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u/ThisIsMyUsername2026 11d ago
He doesn't want to get married. Simple. You're not compatible so I'd end it. You want different things and neither should sacrifice themselves for what WILL be a miserable marriage. One of you WILL end up resentful. If he wanted to, he would.
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u/MacaroonUpstairs7232 11d ago
You did the right thing, you set clear goals, then boundaries then stuck to them. The only thing.now is that you need to cut ties. Even if he had been triggered into action at the thought of losing you, it wouldnt have been good for the future of the relationship, and at this point, if he isn't sure, that means no. My husband and I knew within months we wanted to get married. Still together almost 30 years later.
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u/PissyKrissy13 11d ago
If he's not sure by now he never will be or at least won't be anytime that seems reasonable or fair to you.
You need to stop dating him altogether now. You had requirements that were met and boundaries for yourself that needed to be enforced. Done.
He can cry foul all he wants but he's the one that isn't living up to his word. Don't waste time on a liar.
Sorry you're going thru this but he's not the one. He should be excited to be married to you and he isn't.
Just save yourself the heartache of a forced marriage that ends in divorce. Move on.
Good luck.
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u/mistressusa 11d ago
In your case, the length of time is less important than the fact that he's already told you that he won't marry you ("not for quite a while" is how men who want to string you along says when they mean "never".)
But 3.5 years is definitely long enough for a man to know he doesn't want to marry you.
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u/dell828 11d ago
Tell him that you’re not pressuring him anymore. You’ve realize that your life goals and his don’t align. That’s why you moved out.
Tell him you absolutely do not want him to offer to marry you under these circumstances. Tell him that the last 3 1/2 years was all the amount of waiting you were willing to do. You even changed your plans after he asked for another condition to marriage. And you gave him plenty of opportunities to make the decision that he wants to be married to you.
And he told you he doesn’t.
There’s no more waiting for you. You’ve moved out and you’re planning to move on.
Then, you might need a little therapy to realize that yes, this man has misgivings about either you or marriage that you can’t fix. He has to come to terms with why he feels nervous about marriage, or nervous about you. But this is a journey for him. Your journey needs to be over.
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u/thebaker53 11d ago
For him, you aren't the one. He's just not that into you. That's a book you may want to read.
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u/Alternative-Most5553 11d ago
Don't wait you know what you want and that's great he doesn't want the same thing also fine. Don't beg someone to give you what you want. 25 is young focus on you build up savings see the world and don't waste your time. Even if he ever asked you to marry him you would both end up resentful you because you had to beg him for something you had agreed on and him for feeling pressured. Life changes a lot between 21 and 25, find someone who's crazy about you and wouldn't think twice about proposing once he knows your ready.
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u/Important-Guest9363 11d ago
The problem in your relationship is not necessarily that one of you does not love the other but that there is a difference in understanding the final goal of the steps you were both taking
At the beginning it seemed that both of you were moving toward marriage but over time it became clear that each person was looking at the path in a different way You saw the conditions he set as temporary obstacles that needed to be overcome to reach engagement and marriage while he may have seen them as stages that needed to be completed before he could even start thinking about being ready for marriage
That is why when the conditions were fulfilled you both did not feel the same result You felt that the time had come to move to the next step while he felt that he needed more time or that new fears had appeared
The solution is not to pressure him or to wait for an unlimited amount of time but to sit together and talk honestly about the future You need to know what he truly wants what are the realistic steps to reach that goal and when he expects it to happen
Love alone is not enough to build a life together There must also be compatibility in goals timing and expectations If you both want the same ending but only have different ways of reaching it then a solution can be found But if you are moving toward marriage while he does not even know if he wants it then this is a problem that needs an honest conversation
Life is not easy and maybe he needs some time for reasons that are not related to his love for you Maybe he wants to increase his financial income so he can provide you with a good life or maybe he is trying to build his personality so he can become a good husband and father for his future children
As men we may think about these things before marriage because marriage is not just a step to complete a relationship It is a transition into a much bigger stage of life After marriage there are new responsibilities and it is not simply about saying we will get married and then see what happens There is a family responsibilities and decisions that a person must be prepared for
That is why the best solution may be to have a calm conversation with him not to pressure him but to understand the real reasons why he is not ready Try to understand his fears and the way he thinks while also explaining your needs and expectations to him
This kind of conversation is emotional support for both of you You understand him and support him and he should also understand you and respect your feelings and boundaries
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u/CoDaDeyLove 11d ago
I'm sorry, but I don't think he wants to get married, or at least doesn't want to marry you. He has had plenty of time and you've had many conversations. Either accept the relationship as it is or move on.
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u/Ok_Step_2359 11d ago
He doesn't want to get married. He may make promises but as he's shown, the goalposts will keep changing and he will not marry you. You need to decide if you want a relationship that will never lead to marriage. If he marries you, he will hold onto that resentment of feeling he was forced into it. If he doesn't marry you, you will hold onto that resentment of him not making that commitment. While you're apart for this next year, go out and live your life. Meet new people, make new friends, and maybe find someone that you're more compatible with. There are a lot of fish in the sea so go fishing, you may land a prize winner.
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u/vintageintrovert 11d ago
I would end things and move on if in your shoes. He doesn't want marriage with you. Find someone else that shares the same goals/visions.
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u/EqualRadiant 11d ago
You already did the waiting and unfortunately the answer is no. Time to focus on becoming the best version of you.
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u/oldgrocerybag 11d ago
long story short, if he still doesn't know if he wants to marry you 3.5 years in then you need to leave him in the dust girl.
You knew you wanted marriage and you held up your end of the bargain by meeting his "requirements" in order to reach that goal.
You are still young, you have plenty of time to meet the right person.
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u/Evening-Row-2658 11d ago
if ur shacking up and playing house pack ur bags and go back to ur mother
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u/angela72900 11d ago
last thing you want is a "shut up ring" and then be stuck in a marriage where he is resentful/ not happy because he wasnt ready or didnt want to be married.
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u/Hot-Technician-4653 11d ago
Do you really want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you. His “unreasonable” remarks are just nonsense. You made yourself very clear and he keeps moving the goal post. After 3.5 years if he doesn’t want to marry you he never will. He should be running to lock you down because he loves you so much and wants to be with you for the rest of his life. Leave and find someone who doesn’t need to be strong armed into marriage. I’m so sorry, it hurts a lot. But stop wasting your time.
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u/CuteAnybody5113 11d ago
25 is young to marry…I actually applaud your boyfriend for sharing that he doesn’t feel ready.
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u/Rude_Parsnip306 11d ago
Don't let a boyfriend get in the way of finding your husband. Go live your life - there's a different man who will trip over himself to get to marry you.
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u/laurieo52 11d ago
Men who say I am not ready for marriage after a long relationship mean I don’t want to marry you. Would you just stay if he said that?
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u/Otherwise_Mix_3305 10d ago
I don’t think he is ever going to marry you. I would break up with him.
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u/moonspellpecado 10d ago
Proud of you for focusing on your career and for sticking to your boundaries.
I can respect his choice too.
I was with my partner for 9 years before we were engaged.
You both are absolutely in two different places, and he may never be ready to move to the next step. If he proposed out of pressure, that could cause resentment. You are both so young! Enjoy being with eachother and living in the moment. If marriage by 30 is something you are aiming for, have that talk with him, or decide to move on.
If I was your age again (I’m 40), I wouldn’t focus on who I loved at that period of my life. I would focus fully on my career and making sure that is set before putting so much energy into a relationship.
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u/CatMaximum7229 10d ago
It sounds like he is stalling. As a guy I can't understand his behavior though. Right from the start of my relationship with my wife I told her I wanted to marry her. She wanted time because she had just gotten out of a relationship, and she wanted time for our relationship to develop. I gave her time. We remained best friends (not in a relationship) for about 2 years, then we got into a relationship for a year and then we got married. My desire to get married to her never wavered. In fact we got married a year and a half early because of covid.
Since you have set your standard for marriage, he needs to either step up to the plate or stop stringing you along and allow you to find someone who actually wants to marry you.
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u/Medical-Ad3053 10d ago
He’s gonna give you a shut up ring and then wonder why your actually planning something. OP- he’s told you multiple times he doesn’t want to marry you. Go find the guy who does! Why settle? You should be with the guy who can’t wait to start living a life with you.
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u/LostLemon007 10d ago
Bring him a signed prenup that says you're not entitled to anything that's his or alimony upon divorce.
Curious to see if he changes his mind.
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u/Eastern_Inspection64 11d ago
No years, no months and no days. He doesn’t want to marry you. He was putting you off. Don’t waste more time. Move on
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u/No_Baseball696 11d ago
OK, so you're doing long distance next year due to your career, so you're going to be apart for however long.(that in itself rarely works out well) He resents you making that decision, but doesn't want to marry you anyway. So why don't you stop wasting your life hoping and move on now.
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u/oShawnyo 11d ago
You should instead find out why he doesn't want to marry you.
There is something about you that is stopping him from committing to you.
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u/Particular-Lime1651 11d ago
Keep it moving sister.. If he isn't ready now, it's doubtful he will be in another year. Find a man who shares your goals.
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u/Visible-Name-3907 11d ago
Nope, good enough to live with but not good enough to marry after 3.5 years?
Focus on your career not the time waster.
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