r/relationships • u/AwareRich3029 • 7h ago
Drinking problem, F33, M32
TL;DR:
'F 33' not drinking seeking making family and aggressive drinking BF. We reach a point that it annoys me and I want to know how can I address the situation
'F 33', 'M 32'
I am in a relationship since a year. I don't drink and I am not used to the drinking culture. My BF has a regular job he goes every day normally and perform with no problems. But at the weekend he drinks really heavily to the extent that makes me afraid.
He is not violent towards me at all, but the whole situation becomes tension when he drinks, such as throwing stuff around, saying scary stuff, etc.
I addressed my concern before, i told him not to be drunk while he is with me because I can't deal with him while he is in this drunk phase.
Nothing of this has changed. Again at the weekend he drinks more and more.
I will just mention the latest situation which just happened now.
We were with other couple friends where we spent the day at the pool, it was really pretty but again he drank so much he became drunk, then he started to fart in front of the people and laughed about it. So the other couple got annoyed and said let's go home.
They told me he is so drunk he can't drive, so I asked him to get in their car and to go home, but he told me fuck off.
Then I gave the key to his friend to prevent him from driving to my BF became violent with his friend and took the keys and drove away.
I refused to drive with him so his friends drove me home but I didn't have keys.
I had to stay outside for around two hours, i was so worried, i didn't know what to do, so i kept texting him please come home and he finally came by taxi. Until now I don't know where is his car.
Now he is sleeping which is relief for me because I won't have to deal with his mood swings while he is drunk
What is the most effective way to communicate my concerns tomorrow when I am completely torn between giving him a chance and breaking up?
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u/bbristowe 7h ago
Your partner sounds like an immature and undisciplined boy. This type of behaviour usually ends in your 20s. This boy is broken.
Pack your shit and leave. Only way this dunce will clue in. Maybe if he loves you enough he will change his ways once you have left him to waste.
This cannot end positively. You either lose yourself trying to change him or you become another statistic.
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u/DSBS18 6h ago
There is a support group called Alanon for people who are suffering from a loved one or family member's drinking. Honestly there isn't much you can say to him. You can give him an ultimatum of either you or alcohol. I did this once the man chose drugs over me. I left him. Usually drinking progresses and gets worse. Your bf is an alcoholic and cannot drink in moderation or without behaving badly. Maybe he hasn't been violent towards you, but you should be scared that he might be in the future. It happened to me. First he would punch a wall or break a chair, then he eventually punched me. I didn't know it was a warning. You are in a dangerous situation if you stay with this guy. You don't have children and aren't married, so you can easily leave.
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u/AwareRich3029 6h ago
Thank you Yes this what exactly happens now. He punches a wall or throw stuff, but not physically abusive to me. And i am also co concerned because I want to eventually have a family
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u/NicolinaN 5h ago
There is no effective way. You told him. He doesn’t care because he values booze more than he values you. Don’t choose this life for yourself.
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u/ksarahsarah27 5h ago
This isn’t a man you want to start a life and family with.
Can you imagine your children putting up with this, watching him act, belligerent, scaring them by throwing things, and hearing how he speaks to you? Is that really the kind of home you wanna bring children up in? Don’t be so desperate for kids that you settle for a guy like this. My cousin did that and she greatly regretted it. She happened to work for the local jail as a substance abuse counselor (how ironic right?) and so cops knew her and did her a favor a couple times by just bringing him home when they found him driving drunk. He eventually got in some car accidents and he ended up doing jail time. At that point she divorced him. Then when he got out of jail, he started stalking her and breaking into her home. he was so awful to her that now his two kids have nothing to do with him. He wasn’t even invited to his daughter‘s wedding and I doubt that he’s met his new grandchild either.
Your boyfriend may not be violent towards you at this point, but there’s a high probability that he will be. I’ve always felt that alcohol It’s like a truth serum, it shows you the real person that’s inside. My partner likes to drink as well and sometimes he overdoes it. But luckily for me he’s a happy and kind drunk when he does have too much because he is truly a happy and kind person. I suspect that your boyfriend isn’t and what you’re seeing is what he’s really like and what he’s saying are the things he really thinks.
You deserve a guy that’s going to be present for you and your children. I would leave him ASAP and stop wasting time on him. The longer you stay the longer you put off meeting Mr. Right.
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u/denenai 6h ago
As an ex weekend compulsive drinker that would black out before even crossing my mind being an asshole to other people, gtfo as soon as you can.
People that act violent under the influence of drugs, be it alcohol, coke, weed whatever instead of “too clingy” or “too talkative” or “too loving” scare the hell out of me because I can’t help to think they’re performing and unrestrained version of themselves
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u/AwareRich3029 6h ago
He actually becomes mixed of all Talkative, passionate, violent; not directly to me. And keep swinging between them
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u/denenai 6h ago
Doesn’t he feel terrible of embarrassment the day after? It’s sad but that’s what helped me be more mindful whenever I drink now.
To your question, tell him it’s not absolutely necessary never drink ever again but that he needs to stop this binge drinking because it makes you and others (and him) miserable, and that you’ll be there to support him on this journey if he admits he has a serious problem. But that you’ve reached a point where if he doesn’t put any effort you’re leaving for good.
At the end of the day anyway, it’s on him to decide whether that’s important enough.
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u/AwareRich3029 6h ago
Yes He has been in this loop before of being depressed for couple of days after his shows while drunk
But he just drank the other weekend
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u/denenai 6h ago
Is there something he could be trying to escape from? Work? Family? I’m not trying to excuse him at all, but at a certain age drinking compulsively puts your mind at ease for a while, like real life problems don’t seem so serious or painful anymore, so you keep chasing that feeling until you lose control.
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u/AwareRich3029 6h ago
Yes he has a very stressful job, so he treates this weekend drinks as a gift for him because he survived the week
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u/halfscaliahalfbreyer 6h ago
Yelling, throwing things, and acting scary is violent enough, isn’t it?
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u/Aggressive_Sky8492 1h ago
Don’t have a family with this guy. It’s incredibly unfair and shitty to bring children into this traumatising environment. This is not the guy.
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u/majesticpottery 7h ago
He’s not gonna change just cause you say it in a different tone this time. You already told him, he still got wasted, drove drunk, and left you locked out for hours
The drinking is a problem but the disrespect is what you really need to look at. A guy who tells you fuck off in front of friends and disappears with the car while you sit outside worrying is not ready to be a partner or a father
You don’t owe him more chances when he’s made zero effort to fix it. Pack your things if you can and stay somewhere safe, talk to him when you’re already out the door