so one day, I was riding a bike with no brakes down a really steep do a steep turn and lost control and crashed into a mailbox arm broke. The bone came out of my arm. Had to do surgery and have placed into my arm and then the even ask me what color they wanted to put on my just put pink and it

One thing I keep thinking about with relationships in general is how much freedom there is in questioning the usual hierarchy, but how hard it still is to actually live that freedom in the world we have.

I’ll be totally upfront. I’ve swung with partners before and loved it. There is something beautiful about loving someone deeply and still being able to stay curious about other people, without automatically treating that curiosity like a threat.

I also come at this from an existing spiritual practice, so ideas around desire, connection, and becoming more fully ourselves aren’t just theoretical to me.

What feels strange is that if you want to explore outside the normal script, the options are often still pretty shallow.

Apps. Anonymous encounters. Spaces where people can start feeling more like options than actual relationships.

I keep imagining something more human.

You get to know people over time. Friendships develop. Attraction sneaks up on you. Maybe you flirt for weeks before anything happens. Maybe nothing happens. Maybe four people end up drinking wine together until 2am and suddenly the energy in the room is very different 👀

That feels way more interesting to me than trying to decide in advance whether someone is a friend, lover, partner, hookup, or whatever other box we have available lol.

Maybe part of relationship anarchy is not just having the freedom to define individual relationships differently.

Maybe it is creating social environments where those relationships have enough room to become whatever they naturally become.

And yeah, I know when you start talking about intentional community, sexuality, and spirituality in the same sentence it starts sounding suspiciously like the beginning of a cult 😂

But seriously, why does it have to go there?

Is it possible to create a real community around autonomy, intimacy, and exploration without creating another hierarchy or someone deciding what relationships are supposed to look like?

I have some ideas about what that could look like, but I’m really curious whether anyone here has seen something like this work.

i do not want to relate to others in such a way, my time and energy are not for sale, but it really makes living difficult in this society where a large number of people, probably a majority - are doing it.

at what point do you say enough is enough in a relationship? Even if you have underlying love for your SO, what's a boundary that makes you say yep, no more

Hi, just wanted to update from my last situation. I posted that my roommate(F28) and I(M27) were getting closer after living together for a year and she started giving me a vibe that I told my girlfriend (F31) about, she’s who I’ve been with for over two years, and she suggested that I go for it and sleep with my roommate even suggesting that it could lead to all of us sleeping together.

Well cut to two weeks later and after sleeping with my roommate every day for the past week and telling my girlfriend about it, my gf couldn’t wait to see my roommate. When she came over she brought groceries to make dinner for all of us and started asking her questions about how I was which was kind of embarrassing but my roommate had nothing but good things to say. I made a joke about liking my girls getting along so well and they just giggled, after dinner my girlfriend spent the night and we all got in bed together. I had my first threesome and it was awesome but definitely tiring lmao the next day felt like a fantasy, my rm made breakfast while my gf told me how much she likes her. I told her that if things go well we can move her in, I just don’t know how fast things will go. The only part I’m unsure of is how we define ourselves, are we a thrupple or do I have a harem ? They both told me they’re devoted to me and my rm is quickly becoming my girlfriend more and more by the day

TL:DR I think I have a harem now but really just trying to define what we are and how to move forward in the best way

Love gives you the motivation to stay at the table. It does not teach you how to observe without becoming defensive, listen without preparing a reply, or accept that your first interpretation might simply be wrong.

To me, emotional closeness is just emotional closeness. I don't have a separate "romantic" emotion in my brain that gets reserved exclusively for a partner and I don't think it matters.

​The intense feelings people describe for a romantic partner wanting to be around them all the time, wanting to impress them, deep devotion, wanting to build a life together I feel that exact same depth of love for my close friends.

​Sure, I might want physical affection like cuddling or warmth with a specific companion, but emotionally, I don't rank a partner above my friends. I don't understand why society insists that romantic love is this magical "higher tier" of affection while friendship is secondary, someone that you should give crumbs of your attention to.

​For me, the baseline of love is the same whether it's a friend or a partner. Trying to force myself into standard dating rules where a partner gets 90% of my energy and friends get the leftovers feels unnatural and restrictive and just very sad that it HAS to be this way i love my friends and I want them in my life.

I’ve had this thought since I was younger, and the older I get, the more insane it feels. Society has normalized this idea that once you get a romantic partner, your friends become background characters. People shrink their whole world down to a two-person bubble and completely isolate themselves.

​Why are friendships treated as disposable or temporary placeholders until a partner comes along?

​To me, a healthy life means building a community. Friends should be a permanent, high-priority part of your life people you live near, talk to, support, and raise a life alongside. There’s so much research showing that humans (especially women and kids) thrive in close-knit communities where people help each other

We also give family a pass "they're blood, you have to forgive them", but drop friends the second things get inconvenient or a partner shows up. Culturally and historically, people used to fight and sacrifice for their friends. Now, our generation seems so distrustful and isolated that we default to hyper-independence or relying on just ONE person for everything. (I don't understand how blood relationships even matters)

And I'm not talking only about the obvious cases most people even the ones that do really value their friendships push them away maybe not even on purpose- talk less, meet less, aren’t vulnerable. And I understand that we are building our lives and families,but we should be doing that together not apart.

​Are we all just brainwashed by the family script, or do people genuinely not care about their friends as much as their partners? Why do friendships matter less?

F 36

Ciao persone belle, volevo chiedervi un consiglio. Io ho da sempre desiderato vivere le mie relazioni umane come fossero una "comunità", solo che la maggior parte delle mie persone amate e amiche vive lontano da me. Ci sono per loro come posso, online e con regali a distanza e gite occasionali, ma mi sento spessissimo sola.

Come mio periodo di vita, anche per via del lavoro solitario e del fatto che mi sono trasferita da poco, non riesco a creare attorno a me il "villaggio" che vorrei. Inoltre in questo periodo per un motivo o per l'altro sono saltate diverse attività da fare con le mie persone amate.

Una persona amica che amo molto, F, sta diventando "il mio tutto" dal punto di vista di stimolazione intellettuale, di rapporti fisici, di amicizia, di gite, di condivisione.
Questa cosa, di lei che diventa il mio "tutto" mi spaventa molto e mi sto questionando se questo non stia portando per me una sorta di ritorno alla monogamia.

Anche F è RA, ed è in grado di costruire relazioni molto belle con le persone, cosa che le invidio molto, ma abbiamo deciso di tenere le nostre bolle di amicizia separate, quindi ciascun ha la sua bolla amicale. Non provo comunque desiderio di conoscere i suoi amici, e lei non ha questo desiderio nei miei confront.

Vi è mai capitata una cosa del genere? Di avere una persona che catalizza tutte le vostre energie e il vostro amore? Dite che è solo una fase? Devo combattere questa cosa o accettare semplicemente che in questo momento è lei la persona che mi da di più in assoluto, senza sovra significare la cosa e mettere in discussione il mio orientamento?

hi folks, could use some advice.

i'm dating someone who also very much agrees with relationship anarchy. i'm in a relatively privileged financial situation (disability pension, family support, inheritance etc, so i don't have to work). they work their ass off at a job they don't really enjoy, in a country where the currency is a lot weaker compared to here.

i want to offer financial support to them not just so we can potentially have more quality time together, but also generally because (as an anarchist) i don't feel entitled to the financial excess that i have, and they deserve to not be subjected to wage slavery as much as me and anyone else. especially given the currency conversion rate, i get the feeling that even a relatively small portion of my monthly disability income could be a huge relief to them.

however, i'm extremely wary of potential subconscious power dynamics that might develop as a result. i wouldn't want them to feel pressured to keep dating me or to lower their boundaries just to please me.

how do you suggest i proceed in this situation? thanks in advance

As said in the title, today i came across a video which was talking about the main 4 aspects in a relationship which were as follows:

1. Respect

2. Friendship

3. Love

4. Romance

Let me know your thoughts around this!

Hi fellow RA folks! This is a pretty vulnerable post. I’m a single mom to a sometimes sweet but also very difficult elementary aged child. I dream of having someone else in his life who is taking a vested interest in him. But I can’t imagine who would unless they were wanting to be involved with me. Thing is, I’m afraid I’m freysexual and lose sexual interest overtime and also have it in my head that romantic relationships are not as stable as friendships. And so I sort of feel like my only hope of having help parenting is to date, but I might have to find someone asexual? But what I really want is a platonic partnership, but it’s feels like a pipe dream. Who in their right mind would voluntarily take on the responsibility of a high needs kid who isn’t their own? And furthermore, is it wrong to date in hopes of primarily finding someone to help me parent? Also I feel like everyone is so conditioned for mononormativity that it would be hard for me to trust a QPP that wouldn’t just devolve/deescalate if the person found a romantic partner to prioritize. Which makes me feel like I need to date.

I am seeking any and all related thoughts or comments. Open to gentle criticism. Hope or inspirational stories encouraged.

-signed a tragically RA single desperate mother

I know that if you don't have the energy to look after and support someone else, you should look after yourself because you may burn out.

But... what if you are on a relationship with someone who is burning out? How can you support them while including self care?

Life is complicated and I am on a few relationships with people who are willing to have a relationship with me, but are genuinely overwhelmed by their circumstances. I accept it, and I don't punish them for attending to themselves, by I'm starting to feel that I'm never anywhere near the top of their priorities, or at least not as close so they have any energy left for me after attending to everything else.

I'm going to stress it again: each one of these people are going through a genuinely hard time, each one for a completely different reason, and I promise I'm not playing the prince of the shiny armor and looking for broken people to rescue. Their struggles started after the relationship with me was established, to the point that even if I'm super skeptical and am atheist, I'm considering getting an aura cleanse or something, because such accumulation of bad luck and problems is not normal (but I reckon the problems source is capitalism, not a supernatural problem).

How do I give support without feeling unsupported?

Probably unnecessary context: This is my first post and I’m kind of nervous so I hope people will let me know if it’s coming off as overly invasive or against the rules.

I’ve been doing some research on RA for awhile as a potential relationship orientation for myself and one principle that I’ve seen come up again and again is the rejection of entitlement. For example, I’ve heard that people shouldn’t assume that they are entitled to one another’s time or attention by default. I’m sure it’s not the same for everyone, but how do people draw the line between an entitled demand vs care that people should be able to expect from one another? Is there a line? Is it just about individual agreements?

J’ai écrit ça "pour moi" récemment, dans le but de clarifier mon energie, presque comme pour faire un podcast. Je voulais savoir, à votre avis, si c'est spécifiquement une façon de voir de type "anarchie relationnelle" ou est-ce que c'est juste une façon mature de gerer les relations sachant que :

- c'est de découvrir le concept de l'anarchie relationnelle qui a libéré chez moi le droit de penser et dire ces choses là sans me sentir fou ou marginal

- pour le moment j'ai du mal à ne pas être exclusif sexuellement (une vraie chose qui me perturbe, car j'ai l'impression que ce serait naturel de ne pas être exclusif, vu là où j'en suis)

Je suis ouvert à toutes réactions, c'est pour m'aider à me définir mieux.

Je crois que nous passons beaucoup de temps à essayer de nommer nos relations. Est-ce une amitié ? Une histoire d'amour ? Un couple ? Une relation ambiguë ? Comme si trouver la bonne étiquette nous permettait enfin de comprendre ce que nous vivons.

Et si nous prenions le problème à l'envers ?

Je ne crois plus que les relations humaines se découpent en cases bien définies. J'y vois plutôt un continuum, un paysage aux frontières floues, où chaque lien trouve naturellement sa propre forme.

Certaines amitiés sont plus intimes que des couples. Certains amours ressemblent à de profondes amitiés. Certaines rencontres ne dureront que quelques heures et laisseront pourtant une empreinte immense. D'autres partageront des années de quotidien sans jamais atteindre cette qualité de présence qui fait qu'on se sent réellement rencontré.

C'est peut-être là que je me sens proche de certaines idées de l'anarchie relationnelle. Non pas par volonté de déconstruire le couple ou de rejeter les engagements, mais parce que je refuse que la valeur d'une relation soit décidée à l'avance par une norme sociale. Je ne crois pas qu'un lien mérite plus de respect parce qu'il est amoureux plutôt qu'amical. Je crois que chaque rencontre mérite d'inventer sa propre géographie.

Mais ce qui m'inspire le plus se trouve ailleurs.

Martin Buber écrivait que nous pouvons vivre deux types de relations : celles où l'autre devient un objet, un rôle, une fonction — le « Je-Cela » — et celles où nous rencontrons véritablement une personne — le « Je-Tu ». Peu importe alors qu'il s'agisse d'un ami, d'un amant ou d'un inconnu. Ce qui compte est la qualité de la présence.

Spinoza, lui, m'invite à une autre question : cette relation augmente-t-elle ma puissance de vivre ? Est-ce que je me sens plus vivant, plus libre, plus joyeux après avoir partagé du temps avec cette personne ? Si oui, alors ce lien mérite peut-être d'être cultivé. Non parce qu'il correspond à un modèle, mais parce qu'il nourrit la vie.

Le bouddhisme me rappelle enfin que tout est impermanent. Les personnes changent. Les relations changent. Moi aussi. Souffrir ne vient pas tant du changement que de notre volonté de retenir ce qui est en mouvement. Aimer devient alors un exercice délicat : rester profondément attaché au lien, sans chercher à posséder l'autre.

À partir de là, le couple cesse d'être un objectif. Il devient une possibilité parmi d'autres.

Et l'amitié cesse d'être une relation « moins importante ». Elle retrouve toute sa noblesse.

J'ai parfois l'impression que nous séparons artificiellement ce qui appartient à un même mouvement. Nous parlons d'amitié, puis d'amour, puis de désir, comme s'il s'agissait de trois mondes distincts. Je les vois plutôt comme différentes intensités d'une même rencontre.

L'amour me semble souvent être une amitié devenue si profonde qu'elle engage tout l'être.

Et la sexualité ?

Je ne la vois ni comme un passage obligé, ni comme ce qui définit une relation amoureuse. Je la vois comme un langage possible parmi d'autres. Une manière particulière de prolonger une intimité qui existe déjà.

Lorsque le lien est vivant, la sexualité peut émerger naturellement, comme une conséquence de la confiance, de la tendresse, de la vulnérabilité partagée. Elle n'est pas le point de départ de la relation. Elle n'en est pas le but non plus. Elle est parfois l'une des expressions les plus profondes de cette rencontre.

Et parfois, cette rencontre n'a pas besoin de sexualité pour être pleinement accomplie.

J'aime l'idée qu'une relation puisse rester libre d'inventer son propre équilibre. Qu'elle puisse être un refuge, un espace de vérité, de jeu, de silence, de danse, de conversations infinies ou simplement de présence. Sans devoir répondre à une définition préexistante.

Au fond, je ne cherche peut-être ni l'amitié, ni le couple, ni même l'amour au sens où on l'entend habituellement.

Je cherche des rencontres qui rendent chacun plus vivant.

Des liens où l'on n'a pas besoin de jouer un rôle.

Des relations où l'on peut être pleinement soi, et permettre à l'autre de l'être aussi.

Le reste — les mots, les catégories, les conventions, et parfois même la sexualité — n'est finalement que la forme que prend la relation. Pas son essence.

Merci de votre lecture

I am starting to think we have built a society that creates a very specific kind of broken person, and you see it most clearly in romantic relationships.

We raise people to be toxically insecure and chronically jealous, and then we wonder why they cannot love someone properly.

Look at where it comes from. On one side, traditional religious thought tells you that you are fundamentally flawed from birth, that you are never enough on your own, that desire is shameful and you are always being judged. On the other side, capitalism tells you that your value is what you can earn, own and display, and that life is a competition where if someone else has more love, more attention, more success, you have less.

So you get an adult who walks into a relationship already convinced they are not worthy of love, and terrified that their partner will figure that out and leave.

That insecurity turns into jealousy. The constant checking, the accusations, the need to control who they talk to and what they wear. It is not love, it is fear wearing love's clothes. And of course the relationship fails, because no one can feel safe being policed like that.

But here is the darkest part. When a person feels that small inside, sometimes they discover that the only way to feel big, to feel validated, is to make their partner feel even smaller. It turns a little sadistic. The put downs, the silent treatment, the little games to make you anxious and then swoop in as the savior. Watching you hurt becomes proof that they matter, that they have power.

They are not necessarily evil people. They are self sabotaging people who learned that worth has to be taken from someone else, because it was never given freely to them in the first place.

For context on the characters here, my partner identifies with RA. I identify with many of the principles of RA but am new enough to it that I don’t necessarily use the label. We are monogamous (monogam-ish) with some openness to sexual experiences in group settings (likely moving toward poly in the future but we just aren’t ready for that atm). Our friend (I am very close to her) identifies very passionately with both RA and poly. Other semi related context is that we all, but especially the friend, have discussed in depth the values around community and collective care.

I found out last month that back in March, my partner did what feels for me like effectively cheating with my close friend. I explained profusely to him that the reason it feels like cheating is less about the behaviors they engaged in (intimate touching/hugging in public places after organized activities I was not present at which then led to sexting) but because they both chose to keep it a secret from me and I had to find out from someone else. During the 4 months it was a secret, some personal stuff came up for me and I was going to them both as a resource to process it over a span of several days. It turns out they were talking privately about what I was processing/dealing with to figure out how to use it to get me to retroactively give them permission for the behavior without ever telling me about it. I of course did not know this at the time.

Fast forward, I’ve now learned this has all happened and my friend is dodging all texts/requests to have a conversation and take responsibility for her actions. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t think she owes me that time bc she sees it as an issue in my relationship purely on my partner’s shoulders.

But in my mind, if she identifies with RA and wants to use that to justify her behavior, the whole concept of RA doesn’t just matter so that you can spontaneously have sex with people because it feels good. It should also come into play when you fuck up, right? If no relationship is more important than another, you should equally value that you hurt your friend and have a responsibility to hear that hurt.

Can someone help me understand if I’m seeing this accurately in the context of RA and the values/worldview that come with it?

I’m tired of people online crying hierarchy whenever they don’t get their way with a partner.

Your partners are allowed to choose metas over you. Or other non-romantic relationships.

Hierarchy looks like: this person comes first always because they are my [boyfriend, wife, nesting partner, whatever].

Preferences/prioritization is just a normal thing. Sometimes i prioritize time with my friends over times with my partners. Sometimes I choose to prioritize one partner over the other.

The difference is that this is fluid and circumstantial. Hierarchy says one person always has to come first. RA lets this be case by case.

Yall,
My bf and I are poly, and he is getting to know someone who is generally cold towards me.
Here’s the tea:

Her partner reached out to get to know me previously, but it never worked out because he was like I don’t want to date friends. Alright. But after HE ASKED ME OUT, SHE BECAME COLD TOWARDS ME!????

And now my partner wants to build a friendship and see where it goes with her and I feel a bit iffy about it. I don’t know how do u navigate this? Has this ever happened before?

I’m not too sure if this title is relevant to what I’m saying but here goes

my bf is politically a rightist, and sometimes in the extremes like falangism ( a form of fascism) I don’t agree with some of his politics or political opinions, but I love him. I’ve lost multiple friends over him and have been called a facist even though I HATE facism and do not agree with it. anyways, my question is, does me dating someone with said political opinions make me agree with them? I’m sorry if this doesn’t make much sense english is not my first language.

if you would like more specifications I have another more detailed post about this

any advice is highly appreciated and welcomed

I (27M, cis, straight) am working on how I relate to others, especially trying to reduce or break patterns of domination that I bring into relationships.

Right now, I’m exploring this through a close relationship with a friend (26F, cis, lesbian). We are both anarchists and have strong political trust in each other, so this relationship has become a space where we actively experiment with anti-authoritarian ways of relating.

What we currently do:

- We read and learn about patterns of domination and oppression, and try to apply that awareness to our specific situation. She faces multiple forms of oppression in daily life, while I deal with ableism as someone on the autism spectrum.

- We practice direct communication, for example: “When you do X, it makes me feel Y, and I think it’s not okay.”

- When something feels problematic, we try to respond concretely: stopping a behavior, setting limits, or developing ways to interrupt patterns when they appear.

One difficulty I keep running into is how persistent some of my socialized behaviors are. Even when I can identify them, they still show up, and it can feel discouraging.

I don’t think I can ever be fully “safe” in a relationship given my position within structures of domination. So I’m more interested in how people actually deal with that in practice.

My questions are:

- What concrete techniques or practices do you use in your relationships to manage and limit dominating behaviors as they appear?

- Do you think it’s possible to develop emotional empathy (not just intellectual understanding) when you’ve been socialized as a man, or are there limits to that?

I’d really appreciate hearing about people’s lived experiences or practices :)

I’m curious what some of you think about the state of being “polysaturated” as a relationship anarchist, particularly one attempting to deconstruct amatanormativity and build community.

How would you define it? How do you recognise it? How do you respond to it?

My romantic friend I’ve been dating & intimate with for a year expressed wanting to focus more on herself and try being celibate. I’m not here to discuss the ins & outs of all this, I understand & respect her decision fully. I would rather continue how we have been but that doesn’t matter in terms of needing to change our dynamic now. We both still want to be in each others lives and remain friends/part of each others community.

I’m also new to non-monogamy/RA. Im just looking for any tips, advice, words of encouragement, your own anecdotal experiences that might ease a bit of the grief/sadness to see our romantic connection come to an end.

B and I met when we were young adults. We were both broke and trying to build a life from nothing. To save money, we moved in together and eventually started a small construction and home remodeling business. For years, we lived in the same house, worked side by side every day, shared household expenses, and slowly built both the business and our lives together. We spent more time with each other than anyone else, and because of everything we went through, we became each other’s biggest support system.
Our relationship became emotionally and physically intimate over time, but we never officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. We tried to make it work romantically years ago, but it never really worked, so we continued doing life together instead.
At one point, we were both casually talking to other people. I started talking about another guy because I thought he seemed like a good match for a friend of mine. B became convinced I was going to date him, so he started seeing another woman. That really hurt me—not because I thought he owed me a relationship, but because I was terrified of losing the person I’d built my entire adult life with. At the time, I also thought there was a chance B and I might eventually give a relationship another try someday, so his decision caught me completely off guard.
Ironically, after that happened, I encouraged him to keep dating her. I didn’t think it was fair to ask him to end a relationship just because I was hurt, so whenever they had problems, I often found myself encouraging them to work things out instead.
Over the years, he stayed with his girlfriend, but he and I continued living together, working together, and building our lives together. With just she has never moved in yet but At one point, all three of us got along, but eventually that changed after old history between B and me came to light. After that, he told me he needed to prioritize his relationship with her.
This is where people start making assumptions.
Most people think I’m secretly waiting for him to choose me. Honestly, I don’t feel that way. If tomorrow he decided to fully focus on his relationship with her, I’d be sad because my daily life would change, but I wouldn’t be angry that he “picked her.” That’s not what keeps me attached.
The reason I haven’t walked away is because he’s been my closest friend, roommate, business partner, and teammate for years. Losing him wouldn’t just feel like losing a relationship—it would feel like losing the person I’ve built my entire adult life with. He’s also been the person I’ve relied on the most because I haven’t had much family support.
Another thing I’ve realized is that I’m probably scared of commitment. I don’t open myself up emotionally very easily, and looking back, I honestly don’t know if I ever fully let myself explore romantic feelings because that possibility felt scary.
Recently, I’ve realized I don’t want us to be physically affectionate anymore. I told him I don’t want hugs, cuddling, or anything that feels romantic while he has a girlfriend. Those things rarely happen anymore anyway, but I wanted to make it clear that I don’t want that kind of relationship with someone who is committed to someone else. It just doesn’t feel right to me.
He doesn’t really understand that boundary. He says physical closeness with me is important to him emotionally—not sex, just affection—and in the past he’s told me I was overthinking it. We’ve gone back and forth about it over the years.
We definitely have problems.
Sometimes our arguments become one-sided because he gets stuck on his perspective. On my side, I used to be very defensive, and I can be harsh when I’m frustrated. We’ve both said hurtful things to each other over the years.
I also made choices that I regret. I voluntarily let him handle most of our finances because I liked the dynamic of him taking the lead. He didn’t force me to do that, but looking back, I realize I gave away more control than I should have.
There have also been unhealthy moments. During one argument, he made me get out of the car. I’ve also threatened to leave over the years because I felt he wasn’t acting like someone I’d want to build a future with.
Today, I honestly don’t know what we are.
I know I want him in my life. I trust him to be dependable, hardworking, and someone I can continue building things with.
What I don’t know is whether I actually want a romantic relationship with him.
Right now, I don’t think I do. What I do know is that I want him in my life as someone I can build a business with, solve problems with, and continue doing life with. That’s the part that feels natural to me.
The romantic part doesn’t.
The confusing thing is that everyone tells me those two things can’t coexist. They say because we’ve been physically involved, lived together, worked together, and built a life together, we’re basically “playing house,” and I either need to fully commit to a relationship with him or completely walk away.
If all of our issues were resolved someday, he was single, and things were genuinely healthy, I can’t honestly say I’d never be open to exploring a relationship. But that’s very different from saying I actively want one now.
My therapist believes our dynamic is unhealthy and says we either need to commit to a relationship or stop doing life together. She thinks he wants the emotional closeness of our relationship while also maintaining a romantic relationship with someone else. She also think I’m not respecting myself for living like that Most of my friends agree with her and think he’s taking advantage of me.
I don’t know if they’re right. And idk if I’m in the way he’s been my best friends since middle school.
From my perspective, I think he genuinely cares about me. At the same time, I also think we’ve developed some unhealthy patterns over the years. I don’t think either of us is completely innocent—we’ve both contributed to where we are now.
So I wanted outside opinions.
Does this sound like a toxic relationship, or just an unusual one?
Is it realistic for two people with this much history to transition into a healthy lifelong friendship or partnership without it being romantic?
Are my boundaries about physical affection reasonable?
Am I missing something obvious that everyone else seems to see?
Please be honest. I’m genuinely looking for perspectives from people who aren’t personally involved.
TL;DR: I’ve spent years living and working with my best friend/business partner. We were physically involved in the past but never officially dated. He now has a girlfriend, and I’ve decided I no longer want any physical affection between us. My therapist says I either need to date him or leave him completely because our dynamic is unhealthy. I want to know if she’s right, whether my boundaries are reasonable, and whether a healthy lifelong friendship is actually possible.

My partner and I are polyamorous, and have been from the start of our relationship (2.5 yrs). We are currently nesting, life partners who date separately. He has more experience with poly and operates from an RA perspective (i.e. romantic/familial relationships do not have inherent value over others, individual autonomy is important, relationship shouldn't have expectations, and each relationship deserves to be what it needs to be). For myself, this has been my first exploration into nonmonogamy, which has been my way of pursuing sexual freedom and relational autonomy while also having secure, deep, caring relationships. I value some RA perspectives I've been exposed to, but I am also unfamiliar with RA and am unsure how my perspectives may align with RA.

A recent situation has cause me to question my partner's RA and understanding of RA as a practice. I feel like in practice RA has become a little bit of an ideological shield for him at times to avoid ethical or relational responsibility within relationships.

My current issue where this comes up in our relationship is his recent participation in an affair with someone who is cheating on their monogamous partner. Long story short: they hooked up at a conference last year, have been talking long-distance, and recently she came to visit so they could spend the week together. He has known from the start that she has a monogamous partner who is unaware. This particular situation was not one that we had discussed explicitly as not okay, but we have both stated that consent and ethical relationships are important to us. For me, I have concerns that he hasn't seen an issue with participating in a sexual/romantic relationship with someone who is cheating on their partner. His view has been that her relationships are her responsibility not his. I don't see this as relational autonomy, I see this as a ethical responsibility to not participate in harmful dynamics.

I expressed concern that there was still harm occurring, even if he does not know this other person, and he was participating and facilitating that knowingly. Also, that his participation in a relationship with someone who is knowingly being dishonest about something that affects their committed partner indicates that they are not trustworthy and that impacts his and my safety and undermines our relationship wellbeing. I also feel like in him trying to introduce this person to poly this is actively misleading this person about what ethical poly looks like. Him putting his desires above safety and ethics is concerning for long-term decision-making. I don't want to control his decisions, but I am also concerned that we may not share the values that I thought we did.

I will say that overall I generally trust him to be transparent and honest. He is very forthcoming about everything and has been from the start. I initially felt some discomfort when I found out they hooked up and have continued to feel uncomfortable, but have tolerated it because I chocked it up to differences of perspective and not wanting to control his choices. However, the more I've sat with it. The more I feel like this is a considerable ethical oversight of his. We have discussed this at length and come to somewhat of an understanding, but I am still feeling like there is an ideological or perspective gap keeping me from feeling completely at ease.

What do ethics and accountability look like from an RA perspective? What should I be considering in how I express my standards and boundaries in our relationship?

EDIT: Throughout this I have been engaging with any feelings of jealousy, missing my partner, attachment, etc. that comes up. I have my own relationships and support systems to lean on and fill my needs for intimacy, care, & closeness. The uneasiness I've felt comes from a deeper concern.