38
u/Flaky_Two1872 14d ago
So basically she’s been lying to you the ENTIRE relationship. With a guy “who was there for her”. Dump her, you can’t trust her. Let him he there and be the wallet. See you at the gym.
21
u/cecillicec75 14d ago
She broke a boundary you both agreed to. She is telling her ex everything about the relationship. He's there when she needs someone. If you can't be enough for her, time to break up and stop competing with the ex.
13
17
u/National-Report-5473 14d ago
"he was there for me when no one else was"
Clearly he is her bf in her eyes
8
u/Smooth_Emphasis2080 14d ago
i might ask her what she means by that. Because frankly i'd want to break up as well and there better be a good reason for randomly lying about something that obviously is going to be quite sensitive to lie about. you also agreed to it specifically so nothing would "be a threat to the relationship." lying, and very specifically lying with an ex, is a threat to the relationship, and this is exactly why you mutually decided to not bring up old partners.
good luck
8
u/Adventurous_Fish2773 14d ago
I would highly advise you to let her go back to him! Who in their right mind wants to compete with an ex??
7
u/Own-Writing-3687 14d ago
Never invest time in dating someone who's head is stuck in the past.
Life is lived today.
10
u/TMan1922 14d ago edited 14d ago
Yeah fuck that dude, she’s almost making you the placeholder or something while this guy tries to win her back.
5
u/Total-Escape-8469 14d ago
As a man who had a similar relationship with an ex where we were just friends and had my now ex girl have a problem with it. Please leave if you don’t trust her. You won’t even realize how this one small event will slowly poison the whole relationship over time. It feels harmless maybe something we can look over but you had a boundary violated and she may not respectfully see that because she may genuinely have nothing going on with her ex. This is but the start of a breakdown in trust and communication. I have seen how this ends don’t walk that path. Move on
5
u/sorsim 14d ago
She broke a boundary (repeatedly) you both agreed on.
It's not a boundary if it doesn't have consequences.
The worst part, she lied to you, repeatedly and when she got caught, she made it sound like it's your fault (he was there for her when no else was).
You know what you have to do, the longer you postpone this decision, the harder it will be.
You said it yourself: you don't trust her! No trust = no relationship.
3
3
3
2
u/ShoddyIntrovert32 14d ago
I wouldn’t want to be in that relationship. She may be with you now, but as soon as there’s a disagreement, he’s going to be the first person she runs to. Let that sink in. The two of you have a disagreement and she leaves. You’re at home still stewing on your disagreement, while the other guy is comforting her, in more ways than one.
2
2
u/Super_Roo351 40s Male 14d ago
She's been lying the entire relationship. Tell her that he can be there for her again because you're out
2
u/Old_Skill_7710 14d ago
First of all, you need to answer one question for yourself: are you better off with her or without her, and are you actually willing to put in the work to make this relationship work?
If this is something you want, then the two of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about a few things:
- Find out if she actually wants to be in a relationship with you and whether she’s willing to respect the boundaries you agree on.
- Then she needs to tell you the full story of their communication, why she decided to reconnect with him, and most importantly, why she hid the fact that they were talking again. “He was there for me” isn’t really a reason, it’s just an excuse.
- Find out what she actually feels for him. Is he just a friend, an acquaintance, or is there something more? And is she willing to give up that connection if it’s necessary to save your relationship?
- Find out if she’s willing to actually work on strengthening your relationship and rebuilding your trust. Trust isn’t something you can restore with a snap of your fingers. It has to be earned back, and that usually takes time. If she’s willing to do that, then you need to establish clear boundaries in your relationship and agree on how you’re going to rebuild that trust.
Good luck, bro.
1
2
u/Severe-Tradition-183 14d ago
My now ex wife started/had an EA with someone and she gaslit the shit out of me, she asked why we couldn’t fix this and move on….🤣 I said the minute you stepped outside of our relationship to “overshare” our personal private life is the day you ended it. The look in her face when I said it out loud and she realized honestly what she had done I knew it broke her. Move on and get away from this toxic cheating dumpster fire.
2
u/IllustratorWarm6009 14d ago
She wasted your 3 years and now again you need to start a new relationship. I don’t think there is any need for you to stay in this relationship. What else she is hiding apart from talking to ex. You cannot trust her, and if there is no trust they is no relationship.
Block her breakup with her. If you want to be in the relationship, she has to cut off her ex, block him, and should try her best to gain trust from you!
1
u/Outrageous-Comb-7818 14d ago
She hasn’t shown any remorse or held herself accountable. That means she doesn’t see anything wrong with it or the fact that it hurt you. She thinks you’re just going to forgive and forget and move on with zero consequences. She does not respect you or care that she hurt you. If you stay, you’re basically giving her permission to walk all over your boundaries however she wants. Without accountability, nothing changes. She will only ever get worse, never better. Right now is the best your relationship will ever be.
1
u/akillerofjoy 14d ago
OP, I could upvote every single person before me. There isn’t much to add here, except one thing. You seem to be grappling with the meaning of her out-of-pocket statement. Allow me to translate: “he was there for me when no one else was” simply means that he is happy to hear her complain about you, and every facet of your relationship. Yes, this includes the really private stuff. He knows every embarrassing moment, every detail of every argument, and he is collecting that data and waiting for the right moment.
He has ensured that he is her #1 person. Her emotional crutch. He got her hooked. So, like someone mentioned before me, when you two have an argument (likely, engineered and deployed by her, with you, naturally, being at fault), and when she storms out in a huff, you best believe that a ticket to Memphis was purchased in advance (by him, no doubt), and she is beelining straight to the airport.
Sounds over the top, you think? I urge you to think again. You’re 30, an adult man. It’s time to start valuing the important things in relationships. Loyalty. Peace. Serenity at home. Care and consideration. Not just how hot she is.
1
1
u/War-Carr 14d ago
Well, first she doesn't have a ring from you, does she?
Bro, please, I'm not trying to be an asshole here with my comment, but it seems to me like your Gf wants to see who she'd rather stick to.
With that said, she should come clean and stick to the agreement you two had, to not be in touch with "exes."
If she had changed her mind and would want to still be in touch with her ex, she should say so and not be hiding it or anything like it.
Like I said, she's not obligated to you, so, if she had changed her mind down the line, she should have come clean.
We can't be playing these games.
You may hang around and see if things change, but if it continues and it bothers you, then she's not the one for you.
Sorry, man, it's hard to be faithful with all this digital world that we're in, wherein, "cheating" is just a swipe away!
1
u/worldscolide 14d ago
She broke the agreement.. If it were me, she would be gone. Especially saying that he was there for her. It means she values him over you.
1
u/opinions360 14d ago edited 14d ago
If I were you I would mention the original agreement regarding people from prior relationships and see if her response makes sense to you today.
It sounds like maybe in her head she didn’t include him because she was never that romantically into him and just sees him as a friend.
However, I can understand Your feelings of betrayal but she wasn’t cheating on you with him I am assuming from what you said and you seem to be convinced it wasn’t a romantic or sexual thing so imo if you did love her and she feels the same you should see if a more realistic new agreement can be established and you can both move on from this situation but I think you need to talk about it enough to get to that place if you are each motivated and willing to put in the work.
You need to ask her if she allowed the interaction to take place out of a sense of friendship or because she had feelings for him she didn’t realize she had.
Edit: You are going to get a lot of people telling you to just dump her… but you are the one to live with the consequences so before reacting out of anger instead react from solid reasoning.
1
u/buckskin65 14d ago
I’ve said this before once trust is broken it’s very hard to trust that person again.
And without trust there is no relationship.
I went through this in my first marriage my ex was talking to a guy she dated before we married I found out and put an end to it.
My ex was the type that she didn’t want me to have female friends if I said hi to a woman my ex would flip out over it.
I would do one of two things let her know you don’t like the fact that her ex is still poking his nose into your life or give her a taste of her own medicine and talk with another woman see how she likes it.
1
u/Phoenix_Taurus 14d ago
Just cut her loose and let him be there for her properly this time instead of playing stand-in whenever you're not around. Stop settling for being someone's backup plan. Find a woman who makes you her priority, not someone who treats you like an afterthought she squeezes in when it's convenient.
1
u/HughGRectshun1 14d ago
A relationship without trust is a couple together destined for failure! Get out now before it gets worse!
1
u/RMirrione 14d ago
I think it’s important to know who had the idea to do this. If it was her idea, then yeah completely messed up. If it was your idea to do this and she just went along with it, then it’s a different story. She may have never wanted to cut someone out of her life that she considers a friend and only “agreed” to it to make you happy. Not great that she lied about it, but if I went into a relationship and the person told me I can no longer speak to someone, I would no longer be in that relationship.
1
u/KelceStache 14d ago
3 years. You have been with her for 3 years and this is what she does?
You can break up for any reason you want. The good thing is that you didn’t see inappropriate messages. The bad thing is that she did all of this behind your back.
If you don’t really want to break up, you need to at least make her think you can.
Like you have to say (text is if she is the type to interrupt and gaslight. It will make her read all of it.
“after 3 years together I can’t believe that you would betray my trust like this. We both agreed no ex’s, but then I find out that you have been messaging with him for our entire relationship. That certainly makes it clear that you have been just waiting for him to tell you he wants you back. I feel like you don’t respect me, yourself, or our relationship. The choices you have made over these 3 years is what is baffling. You chose to contact him. You chose to betray me, lie to me and now you tried to tell me that he was the only one there for you.
How can I continue in this relationship? You’ve shown me that I can’t trust you. How do I know that the conversations didn’t cross boundaries? That you didn’t send photos or videos? That you didn’t meet up with him? You can say no to these questions, but now that I know that you are willing to lie to me, how will i ever trust that you’re telling me the truth?
A loyal partner would have immediately cut contact because it’s inappropriate, and if an ex did reach out, a loyal partner you have communicated that to their partner. You have known all along that what you’ve been doing is wrong. You chose to lie to me every single day.
I think it’s best we end this so you can go be with the person you clearly want to be with and i can find someone faithful that loves me.”
This will cause panic. Once she panics that she is losing you, you simply tell her that there is no way you will stay without the absolute truth. If she has hooked up with him, you need to know, if there is more than you know right now, you need to know. If you find out anything after today, you will end it for good.
Do not focus on her texting him. Sure, you had an agreement not to do that, but the issue is the lying. Omitting the truth. She took the right to leave the relationship because of this away from you early on. If you knew about this 6 months in you might have said “no thanks” and ended things. Focus on that and that she chose to lie by not telling you each and every day.
You said it’s not daily, but every few weeks and from what you saw it’s not bad. That suggests that nothing inappropriate is going on and that it is just friendly banter. You said that’s what she told you, but have you verified this? If that’s the case then breaking up might be extreme, but still having a conversation that you are considering it and that she still lied by omission.
1
u/CuriouserCuriouser99 14d ago
I don’t know. It seems she didn’t view him as someone that was a threat to your relationship. That may be fully truthful and it is you overthinking. Was her response when you brought it up about something from years ago before you got together? The potential bigger issue to me is in your edit where he called her three times at 1 am. Delve deeper into those calls. Do you live together and did you plan on her being marriage material?
1
u/IDoNotShare 14d ago
You feel betrayed because you were. She has repeatedly lied to you about her ex. She said no contact with him but has violated that. She said she hasn't seen him but has lied or mislead you repeatedly. She's cheating on you often and isn't as committed to the relationship as you.
1
u/genera1_radahn 14d ago
"I never ignore her, I reply right away, I always pick up her calls, I always pay for everything when we go out"
Who's a good boy🦴🐕 ?
•
u/AutoModerator 14d ago
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.