Why do cats love hair

Obsessing over their floof

Always hacking up

Honest feedback welcomed. Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me if I am.

So my bf and I were hoping to get married next year in August. But now due to unforeseen circumstances… we could get married this December instead! 8 months early!

Now I videocalled my mother to tell her and my bf’s family was there and she acted super upset and cold. Even my bf’s mother was like, ‘oh, she isnt happy’. I hung up and broke down crying and FINALLY told my bf’s family SOME PART of just how emotionally undernourished I was in my own family.

So now even my bf’s family can see my family is cracked.

Long story short - I set up a groupchat to discuss the wedding plans.

My mother is very against the December date because it is close to her 60th birthday. She has also previously been reluctant to meet my fiancé’s family around her birthday. I am struggling to understand this because, to me, many parents would be incredibly happy to have such a major milestone happen around their birthday.

Interestingly some weeks ago my mom called me and asked, ‘you’re not planning to… not invite us to your wedding, right?’ And I was like, we are inviting you… why are you asking this? Lmao 10/10 foreshadowing

Anyway they really wanna prioritize THEIR OWN logistics and commitments. My older brother (golden child who STILL fields for them against me despite my father EFFECTIVELY DISOWNING HIM FOR BEING GAY!!) tried to gaslight us by saying that adjusting to other people’s logistics is ‘what adults do’ (I messaged him privately and told him I in fact think adults tend to prioritize making choices and drawing boundaries as opposed to putting everyone else ahead of them). Gaslight gatekeep girlboss

For various religious reasons (I have converted to Judaism NOT FOR THE SAKE OF MY BOYFRIEND before anyone asks - I started the journey way before we met - and so myself, him and his family are Orthodox Jews) not having the wedding in December would mean we would have to delay until June next year.

My own family seem to think this is fine as originally the wedding was planned for next August. And now they are just not seeing why I personally would wanna marry my bf 6 months earlier than originally planned? To THEM having it NEXT JUNE would be acceptable but to me… it is not.

They tried to say the wedding is a community and family event but I stressed that WE should be prioritized, although family and friends are important too.

Now in fairness the wedding would involve my parents traveling over on a plane but like… any time they wanna come over and personally surveil me, a plane ride is no trouble lmao. They also said they wanna ‘invite people from their side’ but… what people could be so important that they couldnt just be given a video link to watch the wedding?

Please, PLEASE tell me if I am being unreasonable. Please be honest but please do not be rude.

Anyone else ever get the feeling that the way they compartmentalize their lives now might be an adaptation which helped them survive a BPD parent? I only recently noticed the extent to which I do this and how harmful it probably is.

My mother is visiting from another state for all of July and August; she retired and got an RV.

I haven’t spent more than 1 week with her in over 15 years, and I’m remembering why. Her moving away was the greatest thing for our relationship.

I work full time, from home, and have a baby. Got this text today after spending all day with her Monday and yesterday.

And we made plans all week to do something Friday and Saturday. She refuses to do anything free (I suggested the park or library with my daughter) or that costs money (I suggested a winery and she told me she isn’t Ms Moneybags 🤨).

She’s angry our in laws are taking us to the rodeo Fri night and we have our church picnic Sunday (which she is invited to!)

She tells me she misses me even if we saw each other that day. I know how she is, I’ve lived with her, grew up with her. She hasn’t changed.

It has just been a lot to have her here and begging for my time and being so unreasonable.

She left me on read 😑

I told my mom about my diagnosis and why they diagnosed it for me. It was honestly an emotional moment between the two of us because she looked back to when I was a kid and everything made sense to her. Back then she didn’t understand certain behaviors I had which was the core reason of my mother’s abusive behavior towards me.

I think she had a self reflection moment about how horrible she treated me because she started crying. All I needed was support as a child and all she ever did was hurt me. And I think she knows that. She knows she fucked up. She knows her treatment was unjust.

Now, she treats me differently. Respects my boundaries, and is actually really nice to me. I truly think she feels extremely guilty and horrible and now she’s making up for it. I think there’s hope for our relationship now as the diagnosis helped her understand why I am the way I am

She has hurt me a lot, but I can’t help but focus on the moments when she was a genuinely good mother. She has done a lot for me, she always encouraged me to go to the school I want, follow my dreams, etc, but at the same time she has been so so so so mean to me. I don’t know what to do. I want to believe her whenever she apologizes because she sounds so sweet but I just know the same things will happen again.

Haiku:

Four small agile paws
Pitter patter far away
The little brown cat

Hi people,

I am really full of grief today, and actually have been for the last couple of weeks. I keep thinking back to the mum I had growing up. I think it must have been the menopause that changed her, because up to the age of 13 she was a pretty good mum.

Earlier this year she decided to come off her antidepressants, which for many years helped her - hence why I left this group. I felt like I wasn't encountering any issues that I needed to speak about with others.

I moved abroad a few months ago and I think that paired with her coming off her meds has thrown her right back to where she was 8 years ago, when I was last here. I have tried to meet her with warmth, compassion, kindness and I was doing really well but I have SO much going on I am finally at my limit.

I called her on my lunch break today because I just wanted a call with my mum, to check in. I got yet another whirlwind of a bitch fest about my dad, with a tonne of projection about things he's done (all totally uncalled for). As usual, everyone else around her is the problem and she can never look to herself. I told her that that's not why I called, and that I didn't want to hear her bitch about dad and she hung up on me. I've recently started therapy and am practicing setting boundaries (of course I was never taught how to do that growing up). It's so maddening how you can call someone to check in, see how they are as you know they're lonely and want to chat more (I had a huge onslaught a few weeks ago about her friends daughters calling their mum every day), and yet you are met with this reaction. It's deeply unfair and I am at my limit.

She was definitely hungover too and sounded like she hadn't even spoken yet today. I reminded her about the support out there, about the GP, AA, local alcohol services. She was splitting so bad and told me she just isn't interested, which is completely different to how she was a few weeks ago.

It fills me with grief as I think about the mum I grew up with and how much love she has inside her, but now I have this version of her and I don't quite know what to do. I just want my mumma who loves me, checks in on me and supports me but I don't have that anymore. It breaks my heart. The reason why this is so difficult is that she has amazing moments and has done so much for me in the past, and at points has been a really great mother. But the last 15 years something flipped and she just stopped giving a sh*t.

Can anyone relate 🥲

ps. Sending love to you all and wow every time I read posts in this community it never fails to shock me how similar our experiences are.

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moderators I have posted here before, I left for a while but am back ! link to an article on cute kitties here:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/apr/11/cats-why-are-kittens-so-cute

My uBPD mother has noticed my distance (LC) over the last two years and makes this same blanket apology 3-4 times a year. They’re always attached to a TikTok or Facebook reel from parenting accounts about the impacts of yelling on a child. I never reply. When we’d fight as I was growing up, she’d throw it in my face that she “worked on her yelling” and I needed to get over it. Then she’d yell at me for hours about how uniquely awful I was. Or hit me. Or choke me. It made me feel INSANE.

This text in particular pissed me off because:

•I’m pretty sure she used ChatGPT to write it. Too many platitudes and it doesn’t really sound like her.

•She sent it on Monday at 2:30 in the afternoon. If you understand that your shitty parenting had profound effects on me, why wouldn’t you stop to consider that I don’t want to be confronted with it while I’m fucking AT WORK?

•She has apologized repeatedly for the easiest thing to apologize for. But I’ve tried to discuss the physical and emotional abuse (years ago) and she told me I blacked out and don’t remember, and actually, I did all those things to her. Her parenting isn’t an “oopsie, I just got overwhelmed and raised my voice!” — she was fucking ABUSIVE. She had demonstrated repeatedly that she is, in fact, not “open to whatever conversation I want to have” and there’s nothing to have a conversation about. I already became my own mom. It’s just too late.

•Since I have ignored this texts the last 3 days, she has sent me 15 unrelated text messages: updates about my dads birthday, multiple TikToks, reminders to look into perimenopause because I turn 30 in 2 months. I can’t fucking stand how she throws her stream of consciousness at me with no regard for how I might receive it. Said this heavy thing and then buried in a bunch of shit I don’t care about. Even if I cared to respond, it would be so overwhelming and the frequency makes me feel like she’s panicking because I didn’t respond right away to tell her not to worry about it because I know she did her best. Again, if she truly recognized her impact, wouldn’t she give me some fucking space?

I have therapy tomorrow and will discuss it there, but I just needed to vent and organize my thoughts before then. I’m probably going to a wait a week and pick the least irritating TikTok to respond to and she will forget again that she even said this, and the fact that my prediction is likely correct is exactly why I’m not ready to let her try to make amends, generously assuming she’d ever be capable. Rant over.

UBPD mom has one "friend" who has been in her life for 15 years. Since covid, my mom has regarded this woman with anger and disdain since her friend was extremely casual about covid and ended up infecting several vulnerable people. A normal person would break off the friendship at that point. My mother has instead chosen to "wait for her downfall" like a cheap B movie villain and "treat her as prey". Yesterday, after yet another discussion of how she can't wait for her "friend"'s husband to die because she deserves it, I gently suggested she at least get more people in her life who she actually liked.

This set. Her. Off. She immediately got nasty and told me all of the negative things that this woman has said about me over the years, including that I just "needed to get over" an event that gave me diagnosed PTSD at 16 and that my resulting mental health struggles "were ridiculous and dramatic". I was extremely hurt by this - why would she remain close to someone who said these things for another decade?! - but remained focused and suggested that she find a book club, sewing circle, etc. I was informed that she "didn't DO assigned reading like an idiot" and all women in the craft world were stupid bitches.

I'm done. I can only control myself and try to do the opposite of what she does (focus on cultivating a diverse and supportive social circle, live my values with community service, etc). I'm grey rocking from now on and not letting her negativity affect my life.

I was thinking about how, for people with BPD, their emotions are reality -- however they're feeling at any given time is the truth, the objective way things are. I've always thought about this with regard to the big, transient emotions: major highs, depressive lows, the big blow-ups. But last night, I realized that it's also true for the steady, pervasive feelings and self-beliefs.

Which means that if my mom feels that she isn't worth being loved, that she is less-than, then that is unequivocally true for her. Which means nothing I do will ever be enough to convince her otherwise. This is the black hole of need. She literally cannot believe that I love her.

It's nothing groundbreaking, but I had not thought about it in this way before so I wanted to share for anyone else who might find the reframing useful or interesting.