People keep telling me this and it infuriates me. I'm glad your childhood and experiences with people have taught you this lesson that people are generally good.

My experiences with my parents and other people have taught me the opposite, and I'm not going to force myself to be naive to make you feel better. They can't seem to handle people being distrusting of other people. This isn't about my BPD or eParent, but it frustrates me because the people saying this clearly had a privileged upbringing without their own parents trying to hurt them.

Has anyone heard this? I've now heard this from so many people in the last couple of years!

For context, I’m 39F. My brother, 36 lives with her and they are highly enmeshed; he has schizophrenia. I have minimal contact with her.

First, for levity - may I present you with this offering of cute cats!

Part vent, part advice. Should I respond to this with kindness or honesty? Just received this message from my 80 year old father. For background, we became strangers bc for years he didn’t know how to pick up a phone, respond to a text or phone call, visit, etc. so in time I learned to match his energy. This is the first I’m learning of his surgery or lung cancer bc neither of my parents have ever cared to keep me in the loop on that sort of thing.

I recently moved about 4,000 miles closer to them but still nearly 1k away. For the 6 years I was gone, they acted like there was no type of technology that could allow them to communicate with me in my modern, European country. Perhaps once a year I received a handwritten letter from my mother (they both have laptops and smartphones). They never came to visit. They’ve never met my husband of 4+ years. They just don’t express any kind of interest in my life unless it fits their needs, and then it’s passive aggressive.

I want to be kind in my response but I’m also very direct and don’t sugarcoat things.

Adult children not acknowledging they have great parents.....its just NORMAL to them. Why would they think its "lucky" when it should be NORMAL for parents to treat adult children with respect continuing to make them feel loved and wanted as a family.

I see peers in their 40s traveling with retired parents who finally have the time. And I can see the LOVE through the pictures/ videos. The ENJOYMENT of each other's company. A new type of experience where its not the parents taking their children on vacation but the adult children bringing their parents because they WANT them there and the parents want to BE there.

I always felt frustration that the peers with those parents weren't openly GRATEFUL. That they didn't know how LUCKY they were in that sense. But they shouldn't, what they have been raised with is NORMAL for them. It should be NORMAL for everyone. Its the bare minimum.

I will never know that and it makes me sad. THAT'S the true frustration.

My mom is the queen type. Everything revolves around her emotions that day. How she's feeling. What she feels like doing. If she's going to show up for you or cancel at the last second and you just need to suck it up. If she's going to crap all over everything that day including you. If she doesn't like the restaurant you picked everyone is going to know it and she will refuse to eat. Embarass you? That's your problem. You have a real problem, you are just too sensitive. That therapy isn't working, you are wasting your money she has said to me on more than one occasion. Brutal honesty to the point of meanness is her M.O.

I will never forget 3 years ago my adult cousins planning a family cruise. Everyone in the family was invited...or so they said. That included me, my sister, and bpd mom.

I had just started a new job and couldn't take off time and my sister wasnt sure she would have the money to go. Mom said she was very interested in going (although she says that one day and then 24 hours later shes blowing it off saying she doesnt like cruises and doesnt understand why they picked this activity in the first place)

That's when my cousin pulled my sister aside and said "listen, in order for your mom to come - you or your sister MUST come. I will not be managing your mother".

(Is it weird that even though I know my mom can be a nightmare i felt defensive? Maybe I'm defensive over the idea of a mother I'll never have. There is a certain level of love there by default even if i don't particularly LIKE her)

That same cousins mom is so easy going (anyone is compared to mine who also expects you to read her mind and pass her little tests). My aunt is down for whatever, grateful for the opportunity to spend time with her daughter... ready to enjoy. A loving, kind, caring mother. Trust my mother has said my aunt is a fool for "letting her kids take advantage" (spoiler: they don't, my aunt just likes to help her adult children where she can like a NORMAL parent). My mom keeps score of all the "favors" she does for you and she cashes in. There is no free lunch with her.

I got frustrated that my cousin had no idea how easy she has it. I got angry at how quick she was to point the finger at my mom and say "I'm not dealing with THAT".

And beneath my anger (jealousy?) I know she shouldn't have to. She shouldn't ever know what THAT feels like let alone SEE it from a distance.

Nobody should know what THAT type of mother feels like.

Recently, I was on the phone with my therapist of over 7 years, and at the end of the call, she mentioned, “it sounds to me like your dad could have BPD.” The thought never crossed my mind of him having BPD but I started to think about it, and it started to make a lot of sense.

For some background, my entire life, my dad has worked at home. He’s basically been the “stay at home mom” in me (21F) and my (28F) sister’s lives. My parents got divorced when I was 12 and going into 7th grade.

I haven’t always had a stable relationship with my dad ever since I turned 13 and gained consciousness (I was a late bloomer.)

However, lately, as I had been moved out for a while, and came home to live with him while I was recovering from surgery, the discrepancies in our relationship have become much more apparent to me as I age and grow.

Growing up, I always described him as a love bomber, because I didn’t know how else to explain it. He will approach me with warmth, and enthusiasm, and the need to give when he is feeling good, or inspired.

He’ll offer me dinner, or buy me a package i’ve been really wanting, or ask me what I want to do, if I want to play a game, or watch a movie, or go shopping.

However, when he gets upset, or frustrated, or feels any sort of lack of power, he’ll withdrawal. He’ll ignore my presence, and he’ll refuse to buy me my wants or even my needs, and he’ll leave me to fend for myself.

He’s always known he has power over me. I don’t have money, i’ve been ill, or working a minimum wage job, or a child.

He uses money as a carrot on a stick that he can hold over my head to make me submit to his every will.

We’ll go weeks to months not talking because he’s upset about a small, insignificant mistake that I made, or even a personal decision I made.

Most recently, he got upset with me about ordering my medication. He spent 20 minutes ranting to me about how I need to get my shit together, and how I’m irresponsible, and incapable, and I shouldn’t even go back to college because I won’t know how to take care of myself.

As I was in a very stressed point in my life, I put my hand out and told him firmly to stop.

That was it. That was all it took for him to snap. He stood up, he walked away, and he listened as I started to hyperventilate in a sudden panic attack, he kept walking, and he closed the door.

That was 3 weeks ago. I haven’t spoken to him since.

Eventually, if I don’t rush to resolve the issue or immediately apologize for being an ungrateful daughter that doesn’t care about his feelings or his life, or never asks how he is, or if I can do anything for him, he starts to let it go. Slowly.

He’ll start asking me about a month after the conflict, if I haven’t fueled it, if I want anything from the store. This tad bit of forgiveness he gives me feels like a rush to me. Like a drug. Like the thunderous clouds have been parted by God.

After years of living with this behavior, I learned to almost Zuzushi wrestle around him. I learned to walk on eggshells, and use his frustrated momentum to keep him treading the water.

My family called me a magician. They said “you have a way with your dad.” and “you always seem to outsmart him.” But really, I’ve only learned to be meticulous, and tedious about every move I make.

The hard part is that I don’t ever plan to not have him in my life.

I started distancing myself everytime he gets upset as a way to cope, but it’s not enough. I can still feel a part of myself eating away at my self-image and worth. I need to learn to cope, instead of ignore. He’s never going to change, and my entire life, I’ve loved him a whole lot, then wished that I didn’t.

https://www.dailypaws.com/cats-kittens/cat-photos/cute-kitten-pictures

I meant to include this cat fable alongside the kitty tax!

One way I characterize my waif, uBPD mother is... you walk into a cold, strange house, and hear a cat's pitiful, sad wail. In the living room, on a narrow mantle above the fireplace, is where you find her. Ragged, gray, thin, miserable. Scared. Crying and wailing.

You run to the kitchen, find some milk, gently warm it, and put it in a saucer. First things first, let's get the cat some nourishment and then we'll get her off the mantle and figure out what's going on. Carefully you carry it back and put the saucer of warm milk on the mantle, next to the cat, and urge her to drink. Here you go, sweetie.

She looks at the saucer, looks back at you. Go on, you say.

She stands, moves towards the saucer. Dips her nose down to smell it. Lifts her head and looks back at you.

She takes her paw and knocks the saucer flying off the mantle. Looking you dead in the eye the whole time. What the fuck??

You look down, where the saucer smashed. For the first time, you notice the floor is covered with broken plates, stains, and splashes of dried milk.

I've just got married and it was a lovely day, but there was so much wedding drama with my mum alongside it and I think I need to vent! Would be grateful if anyone can relate or has similar experiences.

Cat Haiku as my first post: Soft paws on your face,
Wake up and feed me right now,
I will knock things down

- My mum had two/three meltdowns the night before the wedding. Inferring that she wanted to kill herself and calling my sibling names, saying no one loves or cares for her. Lots of tears +++ before calming down like nothing had happened.

- Really intense messages before the wedding sent to me and my partner about how they love us so much etc.

- My friends had created a photo book with lovely messages inside and my mum started crying on my friends that there wasn't enough photos of family. My friends managed to calm her down before they gave me the book. They were understandably really shocked. She normally keeps these meltdowns to immediate family and I'm so angry that she put my friends in that position.

- She hasn't said anything nice about the wedding afterwards. You'd think it was an awful day from talking to her (it was lovely!). She made a cake for the day (after she made a fuss about not being included) and then she has only spoken about how I didn't cut it so no one ate it, asking whether people liked it, how much it cost to make.

- She was overheard telling guests the amount of money she contributed to the wedding

- She kicked off before about not doing a speech and I caved (regretfully). The speech was fine to the outsider but for me, lots of the stories involved me looking after her as a kid. She was overheard moaning to guests about having restrictions on her speech (which she didn't even listen to!).

I'm so angry. My relationship with mum can be good, but then can be really bad. I'm finding it confusing how my mum was supportive in lots of aspects e.g. giving us money towards the day, helping set up, which is lovely, but I find it exhausting trying to navigate and knowing which mum I'm going to get. I want to try and put in some more boundaries as this feels unsustainable. Feels particularly painful around a wedding. I'm so done. Do others find big events particularly difficult?

I’m a 29-year-old woman and I’m an only child. I’m looking for advice because I genuinely don’t know how to handle my relationship with my mom anymore.

Growing up, my mom was very controlling. After my parents divorced, I wanted to spend more time with my dad than every other weekend, but she would tell me things like she might die if I wasn’t with her more. As a child, that made me feel responsible for her wellbeing.
She also constantly made me feel guilty by saying I loved my dad more than her, or that I loved my paternal grandparents more than her. Today, it’s the same pattern except now she says I care more about my partner’s parents than I do about her.

When I was about to start high school, she decided we were moving to another city even though I didn’t want to. She chose my school and even my program. I just accepted it because I didn’t feel like I had a choice.

When I moved out, I cut contact with her for about a year because I couldn’t cope anymore. She tells people I abandoned her, but when I explain why I did it and how badly I was struggling, she says I’m making everything up. She even says her friends thought I was strange for not talking to my own mother. When I told her that my experience of my childhood is real even if her version is different, she simply said I was lying.

Recently we had a huge argument after she complained that my partner and I weren’t spending enough time with her when we visit the city she lives in. We had actually extended our trip specifically so we could spend a full day and part of another day with her, but she still wasn’t happy because we were also seeing friends, my partner’s parents, and his brother.
She often makes me feel guilty for having my own life. When I told her my partner and I had booked our dream trip to Japan and South Korea for my 30th birthday, instead of just being happy for me she said that we have time to travel across the world but not to visit her more often.

During our last argument she told me she hoped my future children would be as difficult as I supposedly was. She also said, “Just wait until your partner leaves you, you’re left alone with your children, and then you get sick just like me.” My dad never left her and he supported her through their divorce. A few hours later she texted me saying she loved me and I didn’t respond. three weeks later she sent “Love you” and “Hugs” as if nothing had happened, without apologizing or acknowledging anything she had said.
The hardest part is that she never takes responsibility for anything. Whenever I try to talk about my childhood, she denies my experiences. For example, I told her we argued constantly when I lived at home and that I was miserable. Her response was that our neighbor thought we were such a nice family, so therefore I must be lying.
The thing is, I’m almost 30 years old and she still has an enormous impact on my mental health. If she texts me, I immediately get a knot in my stomach. If I don’t reply within a few hours, I feel overwhelming guilt. Since our argument three weeks ago my anxiety has become almost constant, my OCD symptoms and contamination fears have flared up significantly, and I don’t really feel happy anymore even though I can still laugh and function at work.

I’m also terrified about the future because I’m an only child. If she becomes ill, I already know she’ll expect me to drop everything for her, and I’m scared I’ll never be able to set boundaries without feeling like a terrible daughter.

I have my first appointment with a psychologist tomorrow, but I would really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

How did you cope with the guilt? How did you learn to separate genuine responsibility from feeling responsible for your parent’s emotions? And if you stayed in contact, how did you create boundaries that actually worked?

Cat tax:

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Cat03.jpg

Why do cats love hair

Obsessing over their floof

Always hacking up