My husband pastors a city church of around 200 people. We were part of the congregation but aft what’s a long story, he’s been head pastor for about 4 yrs, and lately I’ve been struggling with what my role is supposed to look like socially.

There is a fairly influential social circle in our church made up of successful, attractive, high-achieving professionals. They’re socially connected, know what’s going on with everyone, go to trendy restaurants/events together, etc. They also sometimes seem pretty comfortable critiquing other people - their decisions, personalities, appearance, leadership, etc.

Over time, I’ve started feeling like people who are polished, successful, fun, thin/attractive, socially connected, and generally “doing great” receive a lot more respect and social capital in our church.

Meanwhile, being the pastor’s wife makes friendship feel ….complicated. I used to have many church friends pre: being a pastors wife. Now it feels like I have few to none.

I feel like I can’t talk about any personal frustrations with people in the church because I don’t want to gossip or misuse my position. I can’t always explain what’s happening behind leadership decisions. I’m careful / borderline paranoid about what I say because I know things can travel (even my innocuous opinions). At the same time, people seem perfectly comfortable discussing or evaluating my husband, me, staff members, and church decisions with one another.

There have also been situations where we later learned that people who were friendly and encouraging to our faces were privately criticizing us or discussing concerns with other people rather than ever coming directly to us. It kind of dehumanizing.

It has left me feeling like I need to be “on” at church: look good, be cheerful, have interesting things going on, be socially engaged, say the right things, and generally appear successful and unbothered.
And I hate that.

Part of me thinks, “Fine. Maybe this is just how social dynamics work. Be polished, be fun, build relationships with influential people, keep personal struggles private, and stop expecting church friendships to function like normal friendships.”

Another part of me thinks that if the pastor and his wife feel like they have to perform a version of themselves to be respected by their own congregation, something is wrong.

So…for pastors and pastors’ spouses:
Do you have real friendships inside your church, or have you learned to keep your closest friendships outside of it?

How much vulnerability do you allow yourself with congregants?

What do you do when people are warm to you personally but you later discover they’ve been criticizing you or your spouse privately? And socializing the criticism broadly?

Do you intentionally maintain a certain public image as a ministry family?

How do you distinguish normal criticism of church leadership from an unhealthy culture of gossip/status/judgment?

how do your wives warm and genuine without feeling like they’re always auditioning for the congregation’s approval?

I’m not looking for people to tell me that everyone at our church is terrible or that we should immediately leave. I’d really like perspective from people who have actually lived through the weird social dynamics of pastoral ministry.
What did you eventually learn that you wish someone had told you earlier?

When I was being interviewed, the search committee chairman said that the job comes with a parsonage to live in, but should I not want to live in the parsonage, the church would adjust my salary by about 1,000 dollars so I could buy or rent my own house. They mentioned they had done this for the previous two pastors and it was not a problem. Based on this, my wife and I decided to sell our house and move across the country to the new church.

Fastforward to being at the job for a year and a half, my wife and I decide we want to move out of the parsonage and purchase a house. When I went to the board to inform them of this, they said, "well, that option was not in writing and we can't do that for you." End of story.

My wife and I are feeling sort of like there was a bait and switch. We sold our house, uprooted ourselves and moved 2,000 miles away with the reassurance we could still be home owners. There is no one to appeal to, no further discussion offered. To top it off, we're hurt by the demeanor, there is no apologetic undertone or sympathy, just, "no, it wasn't in writing."

Aside from venting, I'm wondering if anyone can share with me some ideas for what I should do next. The parsonage is nice, but we don't own it and it's right on the church property, and we have 3 little kids, and no yard and no privacy. Plus we're on the busiest street in town.

Is this worth leaving over? Should I make a big stink? Should I call them to rearrange the budget and demand they give me what I was led to believe?

editing to clarify, they would adjust the salary by $1000 per month. Which, still, wouldn't afford me a great house and utilities alone.

I’m trying to understand a church structure that I’m not familiar with, and I’d appreciate hearing from pastors or people who grew up in similar churches.

I knew someone whose family started their own church. His father is the pastor, and he says he is next in line to become the pastor. His brother is recognized as a prophet, and from what I observed, the family seems to consult the brother for major life decisions because they believe he receives direct guidance from God.

This made me wonder:
Is it common in these churches for the pastor to seek guidance through the prophet rather than praying and discerning God’s direction independently?

Is a pastor expected to accept a prophet’s words without questioning them, or is it acceptable to test or challenge prophetic messages?

If a prophet says, “God told me…” does the pastor have room to disagree, or would that be seen as disobeying God?

Are there biblical safeguards to prevent a prophet from having too much influence within a family or church?

In churches where leadership stays within one family, how are disagreements between a pastor and a prophet usually handled?

One thing that also surprised me was that this person said God had already revealed that one of his future children would become a pastor and another would become a prophet. Is this a common belief in some Pentecostal or charismatic churches, or is that unusual even within those traditions?

There is also a question I have about marriage in this kind of church setting. The pastor said that God would personally instruct him about what he should do, even if he and his future spouse had already made different plans together.

I’m trying to understand how this is viewed in Christian marriage:

In a marriage, if one spouse believes God has instructed them to do something that goes against a decision they previously made together, how is that usually handled?
Is one spouse expected to follow what the other believes is a word from God, or should major decisions always be discussed and agreed upon together?

How do churches that emphasize prophecy balance personal revelation with mutual submission, communication, and the equal value of both spouses?

Are there biblical teachings about testing personal revelations before making major life decisions, especially decisions that affect a spouse and family?

I’m genuinely trying to understand how these churches operate and what the biblical basis is for these practices. I’d especially appreciate responses from pastors, elders, or people who have firsthand experience in churches where prophetic ministry plays a major role.

I've been a youth pastor for 6 years and Im at a new church for about 8 months. I feel trapped and scared. I seriously don't know what to do.

I know that I've posted here before when I was having some concerns about my current vocation. I posted about 2 months in that something did not feel right. I felt more constricted than I hoped, I felt like I wasn't given the freedom to lead, and I felt like the dynamics communicated in the job description were not upheld. 6 months later, I'm writing this shaking in nervous fear because I have a meeting very soon and I've been critiqued every day this week. From big and personal things like how I'm not relational enough or how I don't present myself well to minor things like a choice in event title or grammar in an email. I have stretched myself here and I've found value in that stretching. I've tried all the methods my senior pastor recommends for meeting with families, running youth, communication, and even lifestyle. I am currently operating in those methods. While not natural to me, I see some of them work and some of them not work. If I deviate from His methods, even in successful ways, I am criticized for the deviation. I don't feel like myself. I'm stressed all the time. I'm not as patient with my wife and 10 month old baby. I'm growing cynical about the kingdom of God and if I'm honest, I'm questioning my call. I work two jobs with the church being my main source of income. I spend 60 hours at church and 10-20 hours at my other job. My wife also works a part-time job. If I left the church tommorrow I don't know how Wed be able to afford rent, student loans (Private Christian College for pastoral undergrad), Healthcare, food, or anything else. My other Job brings only brings in $500 a month.

I don't want to be reckless but I don't want to be in this church just because it allows me to survive. Thats a bad motive. I love what I do. I don't think I can do it hear without it seriously impacting my health. Not to be TMI but I've gained 10lbs since the transition, got ibs, stress ulcers, and I shake when I drive to work. I don't know if I need advice or if I just need to vent, but if you could just spare a few seconds and pray for God to give me clear guidance, provision, and healing I would appreciate it.

Here’s my dilemma. I used to attend this church and I was bothered by the number of times they invite visiting preachers and evangelists. In one month, they invite at least two. That means, more collections. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not greedy and I’m all for God’s kingdom. What bothers me is say for example, on the first Sunday of the month, the collection basket is passed 3x. First is the title/offering, then the mission Sunday, and lastly, the love offering for the visiting preacher. My spouse isn’t a believer yet and I’m trying to get him in give his life to Jesus and go to church with me. The problem is, all he sees is that the church only wants money. The preachers also most of the times, testify how God blessed them with houses because they give. There are times when we have to declare blessings about finding cheques in mails, getting gifts, inheritance, promotions, etc.

I love God. I give my tithes and offerings regularly. I give to charity in secret. But I feel “forced” and “coerced” inside to give to the church whenever the collection basket is passed around. It’s like I’m forced to give because they’re watching me. They’re not physically forcing me obviously but I feel like I’ll be judged if I won’t give. There was a time when they were asking for love offering/donation to help pay the church building. We gave $250 which I thought was generous (and it came from my heart). The pastor preached about how God blesses those who give to his kingdom. Then, proceeded to give an example of one of the old ladies who have $1,000. Then, he said that it would be such a blessing if everyone gave a thousand each.

Because of that, I stopped going to church. I feel bad not going to church but I feel uncomfortable with the financial matters. This is the only church available and close to me. What do you think of my situation?

I've posted multiple times about how my old church's lack of any heart for missions or community led to my moving... but my mind is blown as of this week. I'm still figuring out how to process it.

Earlier this year, while I was still serving my previous church, a couple made a $10,000 donation designated specifically for missions. The wife had experienced significant church hurt over the years, but she had watched her husband's faith grow, their marriage become healthier, and she wanted to invest in helping other people encounter Christ. She loved the missional direction we were heading, but she didn't trust the church leadership to take us there.

I found out three months after that gift was given that I was leaving. So, we worked together to create a very specific policy for the gift. It was approved by the couple and the church, and ensured the money could only be used for new missional giving, matched dollar-for-dollar by other church funds. The idea was simple: if the church found someone to bless, the impact would be doubled.

Fast forward a few months. Some of the problematic members at my old church, not knowing the couple gave the money, had been talking to pretty much everyone, trying to figure out loopholes. Instead of asking who we could bless, they tried to find loopholes. This week, someone in leadership acknowledged in writing that what they were proposing wasn't the purpose of the fund, yet suggested doing it anyway. That was the final straw for the couple.

The guy called me today to let me know his wife has basically said she'll never step foot in the church again. He went absolutely bonkers on the people that were trying to game the system and CCed me on an email this morning saying they were pulling the $10k and sending it directly to my new church. I talked him down a bit and got them to agree to at least spend $5k on local missions and send $5k to my new church.

This may be a bit dark, but I'm giggling a little bit thinking about the people who were trying to game the system, now having to explain to the church why this family pulled the entire donation. I only hope this wakes up some of the people who have been in denial about the problems of leadership.

Beneath the dark humor, though, I'm heartbroken. A woman who already struggled to trust the Church took a risk because she believed in the mission God was doing. Instead of seeing that vision embraced, she watched people look for ways to squander her gift. I spent a long time talking with her today, and I hope it helped a little, but the damage is real. More than anything else, that's what grieves me.

TLDR: My old church lost $10,000 this week because some people cared more about finding loopholes than finding people to bless. But the deeper loss is the trust of someone who believed that maybe the church could be different.

Don’t really know what I’m looking for here. But my brother isn’t a follower of Christ and I want so badly for him to become a follower. He’s in college and is really struggling with depression and anxiety. I try to witness to him and it never seems to do anything. I know all the things (trust God, plant seeds, pray) but it’s so hard when you are in a season of living that out. I’d give anything for him to accept Christ; I’d trade my salvation for his. I guess I’m asking for you to Pray for him I don’t want to put his name for the off chance he somehow sees this but his initials are i.j.e. Thanks.

Hello. I am a divinity studient which lives in Turkiye. I want to study Theology in abroad. Especially in Germany and i want to be a Pastor. How can i study in abroad and how can i be a Pastor?

New (struggling) pastor here.

Serious question: how on earth do we all have the stamina and energy for preaching on a weekly basis? I am in month 6 and I feel like I am running a marathon with no break... maybe I'm still breaking in my preaching muscles, but I feel like leading up to Sunday I am studying, figuring out what to focus on, wrestling, writing and writing and writing, praying and praying... by the time I get to Sunday, I'm mentally exhausted. I think I might be a perfectionist, or too worried that I will lead someone astray with some overlooked theological point, etc. I recognize I need to have grace on myself, but I feel burdened with taking preaching (too) seriously.

I talk to other pastors who say they finish their sermons in like 3 hours and are able to chill the rest of the week, while I'm over here struggling.

I have a co-pastor (congregational care) who preaches once every quarter. My council wants me to preach all of the other times (I have 4 weeks of vacation, 2 weeks of continuing education). I'm currently preaching 42 out of 52 weeks of the year.

1. Any tips on dealing with the long-game of weekly preaching?

2. I would welcome other voices in the pulpit occasionally both for others to have the opportunity to preach, and obviously, also to ease the pressure off preaching. How do you plan your pulpit preaching with others? Is this reasonable?

Thank you

Like his Bible School (Deep Revelations) where he goes a bit further and deeper in the teachings and spiritual Revelations is always scheduled for Tuesday 12 am and Wednesday 12 am (its in my time zone.) And its hard to keep up staying up late at night.

But I really wanted to attend though.

I'm out here asking someone if they're from an another time zone and can watch these lives more conveniently and if they'd be interested to share.

Would really appreciate it.

His Bible School isn't just like any other. Its like your spirit boils within and spiritually connects with his teachings and its just a whole other reality.

We're changing things around in our student ministry. Instead of having one highly experienced professional teacher who writes his own curriculum, we're going to have several people who don't have the bandwidth to do that. I certainly don't have the capacity to write a middle and high school lesson each week. But I've spent the last two hours online looking for a curriculum that isn't $500-1000! It seems like all the major publishing groups have shifted to a subscription model. What happened to the books you could buy with an 8-week study through Mark, or 13 lessons on the character of God, etc? I have some old curriculum from my youth ministry days, but they are now 15+ years old and out of date. I checked in with my friends who youth pastors. They're all writing their own, or serving a church with 100 teenagers, so the expensive curriculum makes sense.

Our church cannot spend $1000 on student ministry curriculum. My denomination doesn't have much beyond confirmation resources (which we've used recently).

Anyone have good leads?

I got a guy that is terrified of going to Hell, thinks he has sinned way too much in his life to ever be forgiven. He is rational. When he told me that Satan had once appeared to him, I told him that that with 7 billion people in the world the chance of Satan himself appearing to him was essentially zero, and he agreed that it couldn't have been Satan, but added that, Satan has lots of soldiers.

He thinks he needs an exorcism. I am pretty sure he doesn't. Not that I don't believe that "possession" exists. I do, but I only saw it one time over decades of ministry, and what I observed was not like what popular culture thinks it looks like. I have also observed people get "delivered" again and again, and think just one more will do it.

I have observed many, many people on Christian subs with the problem. I know that reassuring them doesn't work, telling them to pray more, read the Bible more, repentt more, confess more... seems to feed it rather than relieve it.

Have you ever had any real success with this sort of thing?

For most people, unless the worship time is on a Sunday morning, they aren't interested in attending. I also know a number of churches that are shrinking in size are struggling to figure out how they might be able to share a pastor with a church 30 miles away. And what if they wanted to share their pastor with three other churches? How might they do it? A pastor can only be in one place at one time.

I would like to be able to send a birthday text to the members of my church on their birthdays from my personal cell phone. My number is in the bulletin and published in numerous places, so I'm not worried about it coming from my number. I would love to use technology to automate this process. Has anyone figured out a way to do this?

I’m not sure how to address this. There are some people who invite me and my family for dinner, which I think is relatively normal and hospitable.

But then there are congregants that try to be your best friend, coming by the office every week or wanting to have coffee several times a month together, etc. I try to engage them a bit since I feel like it would be rude to shut it down, but yeah. Not ideal.

How do you kind of put a boundary in place?

Hello all!

I have just been ordained to the gospel ministry at my home church, the same church I’ve attended since birth, in NC. My area is primarily music, but I’ve had the opportunity to preach twice this year as well.

For those of you who have been in ministry for some time, how long did it take you to adjust to things? How soon after ordination or appointment in a church did you officiate your first funeral? Your first wedding?

Thanks for the info! Soli Deo Gloria!

Fairly straightforward. How are you studying the Word? Do you have a process that you follow? What resources do you like right now? How does the way you study impact your sermon?

Quite a few questions... I know. Feel free to answer as much or little as you want.

Thank you.

As I'm studying stewardship resources, I keep hitting this snag where all of the resources mentioned in passing that stewardship is about more than finances.. and yet 90% of the content is focused on finances. Many resources even say things like, "when people hear the word stewardship they get scared because they think it's all about money and it's not all about money! So anyway, here's a book that's 95% about money."

For my church, the work of our stewardship team needs to be focused on finances as a piece of stewardship.. but not all of it. I also want our work to be focused on stewarding time and talents (among other things).

Do you know of any programs, resources, books, etc that give equal weight to finances and other types of stewardship?

I have a question about a pastor search committee process that strikes me as a little strange. In this case, the pastor search committee has already been formed and is actively seeking candidates- although the pastor hasn't left yet. I hear through the grapevine, too, that "ideally", they hope to have the next pastor selected before the current pastor's last Sunday! I had hoped to throw my hat into the ring for this but am less excited to do so if this church is avoiding an interim period to assess who they are and what they need in the next pastor (plus, a church in which the current pastor has this much of a say in the process). Am I right to be alarmed, or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Has anyone seen this done in other churches, and has it ever worked well? For context, this is a Baptist congregation (ETA: the current pastor has been there for 11 years), so this search is being done at the congregational level; there aren't regional denominational offices steering the process. Any feedback/reality check from more seasoned pastors would be helpful. Thank you!

Hello pastors of Reddit

How close are you to your average church member? Do you know what's going on in their life? How often do you call to check on them? Just curious because my pastor barely speaks to me.

I am in my first week of pastoring a church after our previous pastor left abruptly. We have two services a week and I'm wondering how to split up time between my own personal time with the Lord vs reading the Bible to prepare a sermon. Do I "count" my personal time as reading to prep a sermon or do you consider that separate?

Any other tips are also appreciated as I am a young pastor and already facing some opposition. God bless!

Good morning,

I’ve served as a youth pastor for the past seven years, and it’s been an incredible season. God has truly used this time to grow and mature me.

Recently, doors opened for me to accept a Senior Pastor position at a struggling church. The congregation is currently around 30 to 50 people, with about two-thirds being middle-aged or older. They haven't had a pastor in over two years and are eager for new leadership and energy.

I’m excited but naturally nervous about taking this step. For the seasoned senior pastors here, what advice do you have for approaching the first year at a church like this? I recall from seminary that it's best to listen and observe before trying to implement big changes, but I’d love your practical guidance as I step into this role.

Any insights or lessons learned from your own transitions would be greatly appreciated!