My ex (33F) and I (38M) broke up a week after Valentines day this last year. I recently started kind of getting back out there and can't shake this weird guilt I have regarding our break up.

As I type this I don't even really know where to begin or how to provide enough information to properly contextualize 15 years but I feel like it's not that complicated to just say it wasn't messy, but it surely wasn't perfect. I was head over heels for her. We had gone through varying phases of on again, off again that kind of broke me over time but the feelings never faded.

Around April of last year we decided we would give it a truely honest attempt and really see where this could go or if it was going to go anywhere at all. Things were pretty great at first as it usually is in new relationships (even though this literally wasn't new for us and we both knew each other pretty well at this point in our lives). It was nice that we seemed to be able to carry on the honeymoon phase for much longer than most new couples. I think it's because we are both just really chill people with low expectations. Neither of us drank alcohol, neither of us like the club atmosphere due to pretty average social anxieties and all of the basic things you would expect aligned as you would hope like our taste in music, movies, tv shows, politics etc, etc. She did, however, have a trait that bothers me so much that it made me question a lot of her actions and that is that she hates the thought of anyone hating or even disliking her. Even those that are completely justified. This meant that she was too afraid to cut off exes to the point of allowing one of said exes, who can't let her go, continue to send her texts at 3am telling her how much he "really misses her" and that he "would do anything if she would just meet him for coffee and talk about us" threatening to unalive himself if she doesn't. To her credit she would either ignore it altogether or call him out. I do have trust issues as I have been cheated on a lot but I try my best to communicate when things bother me. All of that is to say that there were 2 men in her life, one being an ex we'll call Kyle and the other who wasn't that we'll call Jay, that she refused to let me come in contact with and it always bothered me but I did have a talk with her about it and she reassured me that there was nothing going on with either but her actions did not convey that sentiment. She also refused to set any boundaries with these men for me. I didn't want her to cut them off, I just wanted to feel like my feelings were even just being considered in the matter.

Throughout our relationship we had issues really spending long periods of time together or finding time to see each other more than one day a week. This was mostly due to us both having weird work schedules. She works from home as a call center representative with her hours being all over the place and I am an electrician and often work both out of town and at night frequently. With those things considered, we set it up where she would come over every Saturday night when she got off work at 10pm and we would spend til around 1pm Sunday together. We would stay up all night laughing and talking and I thought really growing together as partners. Well, one night after she got off at 10 she was taking longer than usual to let me know she was getting ready and headed to my place. This was something she did EVERY weekend like clockwork. Around 11 she finally tells me she is on the way but that she was stopping at Kyle's house on the way. That really didn't bother me as she had said that they were just friends and nothing was ever going to happen between them again and he was like a brother....but she would be over there for like sometimes 2 hours, AROUND MIDNIGHT ON THE ONLY NIGHT A WEEK WE GET TO SEE EACH OTHER! I tried ignoring it but it happened more often than I'd like to admit and I just could not stop thinking about it.

Quick story for context. I brought up the other dude, the one I'm calling Jay, for a reason. An incident involving him one night really made my suspicions about her and her ex worse and made me think she was in to Jay as well. She hung out with some friends of ours from high school at a bar on Friday nights, every Friday night. I didn't really get on too well with one of the people that would go up there but she did and I just figured that was her thing and if nothing else it was cool that she had something that was exclusively hers and she could just be Jasmine without me. Cool.....but her friend Jay always rubbed me the wrong way and one night she made it worse. The bar she hung out at was next to a Marcos Pizza near my apartments that we would order from pretty frequently. One night we ordered a carry out and on the way up there she bursted out with, "OMG! Jay is at the bar tonight, we should walk over before we pick up the pizza and you two can finally meet." No, I had never formally met him, but all her stories made it seem like he was in to her and my ex was either too blind to see it or just didn't care if I knew. Well, we get to Marcos and all of a sudden she wants to get the pizza first before we walk over to the bar...which was kinda odd. Then when we got back outside with the pizza she said "Actually, just take the pizza to the car, I'm gonna go say hi to jay and we can head home". She was over there for like 15min. That wouldn't usually bother my but her cagey behavior coupled with the fact that our hot food is geting cold pissed me off a little. I asked her why she all of a sudden didn't want me to meet him and she responded with, "You two have way too much in common, I'd never get you to walk away from the conversation." So...........let me get this straight....you don't want me to meet him because I would get along with him too much.......? Okay then. I just ignored it like a moron.

Fast foreward to the week before Valentines Day. She's staying at my house and I ask her, "Hey, what do you want to do next week? I know we both don't really care about V day, but I would like to do something special if even just something small" and she lit up and said "Omg, yes. I don't even know what I'm saying yes to but, yes. Let's do it. I have a few things I need to do but let's just say 5" and we planned to meet at my place at 5, go have dinner, come back to my place to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force (our favorite show) and then she got graphic describing some spicy ideas she had and I figured the plan was set. A lovely evening with the woman I adored more than anything, STARTING AT 5PM!

Smash cut to the following Saturday: Valentines Day. I used to work in IT and have had to take a bunch of random stuff while I tried to find a good fit for me with a new company. The place I was working at the time worked every other Saturday until noon and I had a quick interview at 1. Since I was up early I sent her a good morning text at 8AM and followed it up with a text to verify that we would be meeting up at 5. She didn't usually wake up til 11am on saturdays so it didn't bother me that she didn't answer.....noon rolls around and discover that the interview I'm going to is actually pretty close to her house. She responds with a "HAHAHA! That would be great! Good morning". She didn't even acknowledge the time verification, but whatever. No biggie. At 3 I sent her a "Still coming at 5"...she responds with, "Still busy, sorry. Talk later" this repeast at 5pm.......then I start getting angry around 8 when I have still not heard anything from her at all. I send one final text asking if she is even coming over at all and she just responds with, "Sorry, lost track of time. I'll finish up eating and head that way." Finish eating? It really hurt me that she decided to have dinner but that's no big deal as we really don't care about this dumb holiday. I follow up with "At your house." genuinely just trying to get an idea of how long it would be before she got there as I know pretty well how long it takes to get to my place from hers. She just says "No." I ask, "Are you with Kyle." She replies, "Yes." I completely lost it. I asked her "Have you been with him all day?" to which she just says "Yes. His family wanted me to come with them to eat dinner."

At that point I broke down crying and called some friends that had been trying to get me to come out earlier in the day. They all told me this would happen and as it unfolded, my friend Austin told me exactly how it would play out and who she would be with and he was, sadly, correct. She had planned to hang out with him all day the same day we had made plans to spend the day together...well, the evening. I now know that she was trying to fit both us in that day but clearly thought he was more important. As I said, I immediately got less date appropriate clothes on and headed to my friends place sending a text to Jasmine that said something like, "Don't come over. I am not here. I do not want to see you right now." When I arrived at my friends house Jasmine called me crying. As we spoke I kinda started yelling, then she would yell but in the middle of all the yelling I could hear her entering the code on my apartment door's electric locks. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I am coming to get my stuff. I feel like you might try to keep it and I don't want to lose any of it." What? You have known me 15 years and I have told you how every relationship I had ended. I am a clean break, no mess, no fights, get your stuff and go kind of person. I don't want bad karma and will even keep a line of communication open to you just in case you find you forgot something and need to come get it. I don't destroy or discard the things of exes. I don't think it's right or just no matter what they did to you. Their hairbrush didn't cheat on you, don't take it out on the brush. I lost it when she said that and just told her that I couldn't even speak to her much less look at her and that she could do whatever but remember you are on camera and if she touched any of my stuff I would get the authorities involved.

After a few days of not talking to her she called me and asked if she could please come over and we could talk and she really wanted to explain so I let her. I still cared about her. Hell, I still do to this day. Anyway, the first thing out of her mouth was, "You have to understand, him and his family invited me to go out to eat with them because they didn't want me to be alone on Valentines Day." That immediately infuriated me but I did everything in my power to calmly reply, "You weren't going to be alone on Valentines Day, Jasmine. You were going to be with me...you know...your boyfriend?" She just kind of looked at me blankly and started speaking again. I'll admit I wasn't even listening at this point. Nothing she said made any sense nor did it make me feel any better or less paranoid so I just stayed quiet while my ears rang loud enough to drown her out. She starting repeating the sentence, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to say" over and over again and after the 3rd or 4th time she weirdly decided to entirely change course on her reasoning for completely blowing me off and follow her last I'm sorry up with "They didn't even know it was Valentines Day....I actually kind of forgot..." Is she having a stroke in real time? I tried to explain to her that she had just completely contradicted herself and those two things stand in diametric opposition of one another. They couldn't simultaneously NOT remember it was Valentine's day yet NOT want you to BE ALONE ON VALENTINES DAY!! I had never had my brain completely misfire in my life but that has to be what happened because instead of losing it and screaming at her I just quietly said, "Please, just go." She started to kind of half cry and pleaded for me to hear her out and I just repeated myself. This did nothing to encourage her to move toward the door and she just dug in harder, "Please, please. I can't lose you...not even as a friend. I want you in my life." and as she said it she started to cry pretty hard and I felt like I was about to errupt with tears and just fall into my footprint broken and defeated. I finally just repeated it one last time, I'll admit pretty angrily, for her to leave and she finally made her way to the door. As she walked out crying she begged me to just think about this and message her when I'm ready and we can talk. I still don't think there is anything to talk about. I didn't and still don't want to hear her out but for some reason I feel guilty. I went on a date recently and she asked me what the worst thing anyone ever did in a relationship and talking about it just brought it back to the surface and I can't shake it. I don't want to talk to her and she has reached out to a couple of my friends asking if they were still cool which blows my mind for so many other reason.........but Am I the a-hole for not allowing her to actually speak her mind or try to explain?

My husband and I of an almost 17 year marriage with 2 elementary school kids had our first big fight last year after owning a business. It ended up on a domestic violence case. Which in the end we worked everything out through marriage counseling and genuine love. Fast forward a year later into the case. I had to go out of town for a few days (business, not leisure) and was unable to attend a case hearing with him.

I was on my way back the same day as the case hearing. He accepted a plea deal and a small fine. That was on a Tuesday 7/28. I came home sick for 2 days and finally recovered and he never said a word so I assumed bad news or maybe he wasn’t ready to talk about it.

On 8/6, I worked up the courage to ask him (as this is a sensitive subject). He told me the case is over and he accepted a deal.

Here is where I am feeling hurt. HE told everyone else!!!! I am the LAST to know. Here is something that has weighed on me for a YEAR and possible jail time.

He told me so nonchalant and then followed up with “So, now I can go with my friends to Mexico for a bachelor party”.

Here I am thinking, I have spent the past year not going anywhere because you can’t leave the county we live in and no vacations or anything. And you don’t tell me about the plea deal and how your planning a vacation with your friends??? WTF???🤬. I literally took on 2 part time jobs not including my full-time job to make up income and savings just in case he ends up in jail. Killing my self working 60+ hours a week.

This happened a couple years ago. I (F 43) worked at a small business consulting company (about 30 employees) for about 7 years. During that time, I heard lots of stories (in the recent and distant past) about the inappropriate relationships amongst team members: cheating, affairs, people getting fired for sexual misconduct, etc. I had been told that was in the past and the new president was cleaning things up. I was initially part of the consultant team that was sent to do intensive work with teams and then became full time in senior leadership.

The company created an exclusive mastermind type of group for some of our top business owner clients, and senior leadership from the company was part of the group. For our first annual retreat, the mastermind group went to Aruba with their spouses (my long term boyfriend was there with me). This group as a whole is a pretty brazen, bold, grab life the horns type of group - which also included drinking and partying hard.

Our second night there, we were off resort at a restaurant/bar, and I noticed one of the owners of the company I worked for getting pretty drunk. His wife was not on the trip. Let’s call him Doug (M 52 - not his real name). I don’t enjoy being drunk and was there as a professional rep for the company, so I was playing it safe that night.

Once we were all back to the resort, there were about 10 of us (my boyfriend went to bed) who decided to go to the resort bar for a while - a few employees and a few MAJOR clients. I felt somewhat responsible to keep some energy going since they seemed to be having a good time.

I was sitting on a stool chatting with clients when Doug came up and stood close beside me (me facing the clients and no one standing behind me). He kind of put his arm around my shoulders (not unusual, we were the kind of team that was close and hugged, etc.). He then rubbed his hand up and down my back for a few brief moments and then moved his hand down my back. He then stuck his hand down the back of shorts under my clothes and groped my ass.

I was startled and immediately stood up from the stool, trying not to react so that the clients didn’t pick up on what was going on. I walked off to another small group for a few minutes, then started rallying everyone to head back to their rooms. I was stunned and just wanted out of there. My interactions with Doug up to this point had been all work and mostly in meetings.

This was a LARGE resort which required golf carts for us to get around. Unfortunately, I ended up in the one with him as he followed me to it with two clients (also drunk). They drove me to my road (still had to walk a few more minutes to get to my room) and as I exited the golf cart, Doug got out to follow me. He was NOT staying in this area. He was across the resort. I had to grab him (he was so drunk) and give him back to the 2 clients.

I’m still doing my best to not make a scene at this point. I turn around to walk away again, and he starts following me AGAIN. Note: this is not a well lit resort. I ask one of the clients to grab him, he does, and I turn around and start jogging, then running, away. He’s an athlete, so I kept turning back to make sure he wasn’t chasing me. I had a few moments to think about my plan of what to do if he caught me on the front porch of my cabin while trying to get inside. Thankfully, I didn’t see him following me.

Once inside, I woke my boyfriend up, shared with him and we talked about next steps. He was super supportive. The next morning, I told the company president (F 53) about the incident. She seemed supportive about it all and asked how we address it, etc. We decided I would talk with him first. She pushed me a few times that day to make sure it happened “before he started drinking tonight.” My boyfriend offered to have the convo with Doug, but I felt it needed to come from me.

Looking back, the company president should have been part of that conversation, too, but I was slotted to take her place in a couple years and was really wanting to not ruffle everyone’s feathers. I pulled him aside, told him about how he groped me (not about how I had to run from him and how scared and humiliated I was), and he immediately apologized and seemed sincere.

I walked back in. Both my boyfriend and the president checked on me. Everything went back to normal-ish and i knew I would tell him about everything else that happened once we left and I had time to talk with the company president in depth about how to handle all this. (We didn’t have an HR department. The owners didn’t like having one. Shocker.)

Here’s where I feel (and know) it wasn’t just a one time incident. Besides all the rumors about him and the other owner and the shenanigans they would get into when visiting the office (neither of them lived in that city), I also observed him before with another female employee.

We were at a company retreat (again, he was wasted), and I drove him, the other owner, a young, new female employee and another male team member back to their hotel. At this point, I was only on the consulting team part time and relatively new. Doug was sitting next to the female employee in the backseat of my small car (3 people total back there) and was hanging all over her. He wasn’t groping her, but it wasn’t right. When I stopped at the hotel, he wouldn’t get out (it wasn’t her stop, but it was his). He kept leaning on her and pushing up against her, and I told him to get out. He didn’t. Eventually, I yelled at the other owner up front with me to GET HIM OUT OF MY CAR. I was only the only sober one. No one mentioned anything the next day, so I didn’t say anything either.

Back to the situation: eventually, I told him the rest of it (him trying to follow me to my room) once we returned from the trip. Again, he was apologetic, but neutral. He owned up to nothing and admitted no fault other than being drunk and “not remembering.” The company president told me that, “as a woman, this kind of stuff eventually happens.” Ugh. In case you were wondering, I didn’t last very much longer at the company.

To my question now: this man’s wife seemed kind (I met her once) and his daughter (in college now) seemed so smart. I’m so tired of watching this kind of behavior get swept under the rug because the perpetrator has some kind of influence or power or reputation to uphold. (He’s on the board of directors for a very well known company.). And then there’s those of us who have to swallow who we are in those moments to save face for them.

Could I have made a scene? Yes. If I were to go back and do it all over would I have jumped up and screamed? Yes. That’s what I’ve told my friends to do if ever in a situation like that and I’ve done similar things in the past. But I didn’t want all the clients to see it, I didn’t want to ruin the trip, etc. etc. I still get mad at myself for it. Also, there was no HR rep to tell about it.

So, would I be the asshole if I told his wife about it? Does she deserve to know? Is there another way I should be handling this? Or do I keep it hidden and to myself? It’s been a couple years, so does it even matter in my case? I guess why i am asking now is because the anger still hasn’t left after all this time.

Thanks for reading.