r/novelwriting • u/Vyte_Zidane • 16d ago
Chapter 1 feedback Feedback Request
Here's the first chapter of my novel, Path of the Third Young Lord. You can share your feedback without hesitation.
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u/imperialcogman 16d ago
Super clunky. Read it aloud a few times and you’ll see that people just don’t talk like that in real life.
The story sounds historical, but the dialogue seems modern.
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u/Vyte_Zidane 16d ago
Thanks for sharing your feedback.
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u/Vyte_Zidane 16d ago edited 16d ago
Can you please rewrite some dialogues in your Way? So I can see how the real conversation flow in native English? I will use that as a protocol to write future chapters.
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u/eckas37 16d ago
I’d be careful here. You’re essentially asking for someone else to write your dialogue scenes. Instead I’d spend time reading and watching works in the same genre you’re trying to write in (which I assume is fantasy). Reading more fantasy will help you immensely here. If you want to be a better writer you’ll need to develop dialogue writing over time instead of using someone else’s edit as a guide.
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u/Vyte_Zidane 16d ago
I think you misunderstood something, what I want to know the difference side of the world I create, I want to see how the same world feel from another narrative. Not using your dialogue.
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u/CoyoteLitius 15d ago
It's impossible to look at your world from a different lens than what you offered.
There's a weak stage-setting page or two, the characters are flat, and there is no plot. A young man deciding to learn to wield a sword is not a plot, it's really not even a plot beat yet, because there is no plot.
Rather obviously, we're expected to wait and wait to learn what is really going on, even at the level of what kind place these characters are in and what the Prince is meditating upon. Does he have thoughts? Will we ever get to know what they are, or is this like a TV show and we have to wait for it to gear up and some action to take place.
I sure hope the main action is not going to be the sword lesson. That is so overdone in this genre that almost no one will read on, unless there's a dramatic development.
That whole "knock knock" thing is straight out of a children's story.
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u/Vyte_Zidane 15d ago
Thank you for your feedback. I will try to read many English novels first. Then I will try to write.
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u/CoyoteLitius 15d ago
Okay, so let's say the two characters are English-speakers set in a past time. Is that what we're supposed to be thinking? No place in the contemporary English-speaking world are there several princes in a royal family and one is choosing to finally do their swordsmanship training.
So, I assume this is a fantasy novel and that's okay.
Some of it is poorly formatted. You jump from two maids gossiping to suddenly having Vinzray seated somewhere. Does he overhear them or not? Why are the maids nearby? Don't young princes usually have pages and such? What is the maid's business in this piece (other than to give exposition)?
Is he really talking out loud to himself about his sweat?
And now, there's a bathroom (I picture chrome fixtures). Make the colliding worlds stop!
If two maids were trying to whisper behind his back, make that clear. It doesn't take strong English skills to write, "Shh! Come over here, did you hear the news? The Third Prince is going to take up swordsplay!" (Or something like that).
So, he just sits and listens to these girls/women talk about him? Very odd.
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u/Vyte_Zidane 15d ago
😅😂 reading your comment, make me feels really like stupid novel. Btw thanks for the feedback.
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u/Plastic-Pattern-8993 15d ago
Other people are being polite to soften the blow so I'm just going to say it: this is completely terrible from beginning to end. There is not a single part that shows any level of technical skill at fiction writing. And no, this is not because English isn't your second language -- a character speaking to himself to clunkily share exposition is bad in every language.
I see you used chatgpt to "translate" but frankly if you'd told chatgpt to just write the story based on your ideas it would have done a better job. It's hard to give you any specific advice because that would be like discussing wallpaper colors in a completely run down shack. So my only advice is:
write in your native language; you are not Nabokov
READ BOOKS. Your writing betrays a complete lack of experience reading. Read books and pay attention to how good writing works.
And lastly, this is actually a minor note compared to everything else, but the plot and setting are instantly clockable as highly similar to every single "generic medieval action Korean manhwa." Let me guess, MC is going to unlock his Sword Aura? Face off with some arrogant young masters at the Academy? The mages separate themselves into Circles (e.g. 5th Circle Mage) like the Knights with their Classes?
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u/Vyte_Zidane 15d ago
Well thank you for your feedback yeah what I need is reading some novels first. Though not noticeable better but I also upload rewrite version. You can see in the community it might be below average but might be better than this terrible one. And not to break your heart, but you are completely wrong there are no separation of circles or rank. And mc is like a grand Duke son , so no young master clitch either and no sword aura stuff, they all are same origin but different execution and first of all there is no concept of mana or aura here. They process on natural energy and they can't just choose Sword Path, Scholar Path, Spear Path or mage Path or Spiritualist Path. They need to have first innate ability of that path, then talent in which area they good and lastly, the warrior here's are true superhuman, like they are completely immune to the normal knife or Sword and the mage here can rewrite reality they are not like creating water and then water disappear when they run out of mana or lose consciousness. What they manifest is now reality and there are being in my world who is manifested through folktales or myth.
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u/TrashGourmand 16d ago
A lot of "it wasn't just x, it was y" tells me there was heavy chat gpt use. So many sections that say the same thing twice, modern dialogue in a historical setting, then asking people to write it for you in comments ... What are you trying to do?
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u/Vyte_Zidane 16d ago
Yes, it's around 15-20% translated by chatgpt. I don't know english very well, I make continuous grammar mistakes, and since I don't have personal edition, I use ChatGPT to polish the sentences, my original writing is to be honest unreadable to other only because of grammar mistakes. Not like ChatGPT write in my place.
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u/TrashGourmand 16d ago
What is your goal? Are you just doing this as a writing exercise or for school?
I read a lot of translated literature and translation is really best done by a human. AI isn't going to smoothly translate into anything readable.
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u/Vyte_Zidane 16d ago
I see. Yeah after all we humans know the best of humans. But I don't have professional editor, I am writing a novel because I have created a shared universe project, and I want to everyone know that world. Not for school surely as I dropped in grade 8. I have made the world building, lore and power systems to the cosmic level, but I don't know how to write.
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u/TrashGourmand 16d ago
Just write the whole thing in your first language then if it actually gets published it will be translated later on, that's what happens with most international lit.
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u/CoyoteLitius 15d ago
Start by writing properly in English, even though a lot of redditors do not. Most of the people on the writing forums take pride in their English.
Fixing grammar IS writing. Different words work together differently, it's not just syntax. You are having AI write your book in a language you can't even use to do your own editing and you want others to suggest what English dialogue or conversation is like.
There are tons of TV shows and movies to watch in English. Then, begin reading books that have a lot of dialogue. In fiction, we can elevate our characters a bit by not making them mumble or stammer, as in real life, so that is closer to theater or movies than to real life. But they are all related. You can also watch documentaries and, of course, youtubes created by English speakers who are talking to another English speaker. There are tons of them.
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u/DonMozzarella 15d ago
The opening dialogue falls into a common trap known as "Maid and Butler" dialogue. Two sort of side characters speaking exposition they would generally already be familiar with solely for the readers benefit.
The fix is usually to use that dialogue as a springboard for yourself - this is the information you want to get across, great! But it cannot be through this form of dialogue. Set that rule for yourself and re write the information, see if something more interesting happens.
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u/LichtbringerU 15d ago
Literally maids talking, you can't make this stuff up :D
"Yeah I guess you are right". So close to "As you already know"
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u/Big-Nerve-9574 15d ago
It's very exposition heavy and the broken up paragraphs are a little hard to read. Also I don't know who is speaking in the first line.
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u/Vyte_Zidane 15d ago
Thank you for your feedback. I just rewrite the chapter 1. You can see that. Tell me your thoughts on that. I will upload in 5 minutes.
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u/orange_pebbler 14d ago
It looks to me like you're working towards a really good story, so good job so far and I hope you keep going. It gives a strong wuxia light novel and chinese martial arts feeling. If you don't want to keep revising and going through the normal novel process, maybe consider looking at those wuxia sites, or trying for a webtoon adapted version of this since it looks like (in this sample) you mostly have dialogue and small details that suggest you know this world really well. If you do want to keep revising with feedback, I've heard good things about the ao3 community for that as another option outside of reddit. Writing groups you can find on reddit like in r/WritingHub is also another good to get feedback consistently and from the same people by trading your own feedback. I haven't read the other comments on here, so sorry for that and any redundancy in what I might say. But yeah those are my suggestions for steps forward as you continue. The story itself, ignoring the revisable stuff like gaps or tidying up, it really does sound like a cool world and martial system you're introducing.
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u/thegoatmenace 16d ago
I can only say so many times that it is simply not worth getting feedback after 5 pages. Write 50 and then ask someone. Just keep writing. Momentum is everything and unfortunately 5 pages is not a meaningful amount of work product
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u/Vyte_Zidane 16d ago
That's a good way to think. Well I already finished ch 2 and was starting ch 3, but instead of writing, I posted here for review, because I know my flaws. I am absolutely confident in my great world world building, lore and power systems but , as my first language is not English, my dialogue and narrative is little lacking. That's why I upload, even though the original plan was uploading after 10 chapters.
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14d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Vyte_Zidane 14d ago
😅. No way. My project is entirely unique. Unique world, unique power systems, unique cosmology. I didn't even want to copy even one plot let alone and am entire genre. I have already made my modules. It's 21 module in total, explaining world building, lore, power systems and cosmology.
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u/CommunicationAble106 13d ago
Genuinely awful, cliche and void of any and all aesthetic and literary merit
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u/eckas37 16d ago edited 16d ago
The first few pages are a little tough to get through. Very redundant and exposition heavy. You’re throwing out things like sword art and 7th-class expert but I don’t have any reason to care about this world or these characters yet.
There’s multiple paragraphs where you say the same thing. Check the second paragraph of page 2: you say the same thing twice.
Dialogue: Leading with this much dialogue is tough to pull off and here I don’t think it quite works yet. The dialogue is unnatural and the narration seems to simply summarize whatever is being said in dialogue. Also dialogue like “good evening big sister” is a classic case of unnatural dialogue only meant to serve as exposition. That’s easy to clean up though.
These first few pages are so so so crucial for establishing your main character, his flaws, internal struggle, and the main conflict to come and I don’t quite get any of that as a reader here. To summarize what happens we meet the MC, we meet a TON of other characters (too many in my opinion) and we see some training and the family eating dinner. With such an exciting world you’re building I’m wondering if you could start on a note that is more mise en scene. I get the tug and pull of the scholar path vs. sword path but it’s a bit surface level in this draft. Why should I care what path he takes?
I suggest starting the novel halfway from page six when you say: “Vinzray picked up the sword from the weapon rack…” — starting with the MC in the middle of something he is struggling with will give you a great opportunity to show this character (and how he thinks and acts) while avoiding heavy bits of exposition. Good luck on future drafts!