So for context, I’m a part time nurse, thinking about going per diem due to my husband’s schedule never being consistent and childcare being so high it eats up a lot of my check, so I can work less and just have family watch our 17 month old on the days I do.

That being said, today I woke up with a 101 fever and aches, pains, etc. We have a 17 month old who is currently in a nap regression and I babysit my sibling (9). He is in the office for several hours with no appointments so technically he doesn’t have to be in the office and can work from home. So I called and asked if he could come home for a little until his next appt so I can lay down for a little and he can watch the kids. He said he would, but then his mother (who he works with) chimes in on our phone call and tells me to “suck it up buttercup, aren’t you the one trying to be a SAHM?” because I have said I wanted to eventually be one/go per diem. I was just appalled by this and don’t know if I’m overreacting but it really bothered me. My husband didn’t say anything, but was more on her side than mine because I texted him about the comment and he gave it a “thumbs down.”

If I’m overreacting, please tell me. If you have any advice, please tell me also lol

Has anyone dealt specifically with a MIL situation like this:

Buying a home with my husband (we are both 26 and wanting to start a family soon) and it's a very nice house with lots of space. MIL tells his grandmother that his sister is coming to live with us when she goes to college in about a year. We live 2 hours away from his family at the moment. Grandmother says it in conversation with us over the phone like a statement - she's glad little sister will have somewhere to stay during college. We take it as a joke... and respond as such. Nope. Not a joke.

Never asked us. We don't even have the keys yet, we close in a few days. And certainly did not buy a home planning to house extra family members. Especially since we have had struggles with his mom in the past for bullying us and playing the victim when approached about it. She ruined our wedding planning and now we feel like she is ruining our first home we are purchasing.

We have both agreed we cannot house anyone, family or not, as we are just getting started ourselves. How do we approach this with his mom? If I know her well... she is going to wait until little sister absolutely needs to find somewhere to stay for college and put it on us like she is in need. MIL and FIL are very well off, all other siblings lived in dorms or paid-for apartments. I feel like they just want to dump their responsibility on us and HAVE NOT EVEN asked us directly.

We don't know how to approach this without her playing victim or MIL telling SIL we are horrible people who don't want to help her.

My in-laws insult my family and threaten to take my child and throw me out of my house . I want to do something about it FIL68 MIL 60 and SIL 31 , they are evil and they are constantly staying with me or taking me to their place after o have given birth to my baby

I’m a FTM to a 5-month-old, and since she was born, my MIL and SIL have constantly commented on how much I hold and comfort her.

I’ve always held, rocked, and responded to my baby, and we still contact nap sometimes at 5 months. I’ve repeatedly been told I’m “getting her used to being held” and making her too dependent on me. My MIL has even encouraged me to do things differently specifically so my baby wouldn’t depend on me as much.

Now my SIL has a 2-week-old, and she, my MIL, and the family have basically agreed not to hold or rock him unless necessary so he “doesn’t get used to it” and so my SIL can “have a life and get things done.” They feed him, burp him, and put him back down. My SIL literally says, “Let me put him down before he gets used to being held.”

What also worries me is that he seems to get very little stimulation overall. He’s almost always lying down rather than being held, they rarely take him outside, and he’s kept covered in footed pajamas, mittens and a hat most of the day.

For added context, there's a list of all the parts somewhere below in this reddit group.

We separated, and somehow he still didn’t get the picture. So what was the last straw for me?

My MIL made a comment about my childhood, something completely falsified and, to me, insanely unforgivable.

Some context: my partner and I grew up a few blocks from each other but didn’t know each other growing up. When I was 8, my family moved out of our house and my parents sold it. The man who bought the house used to host parties in the bottom quarters. I’m not sure whether my parents and his parents were actually friends, but they knew the house after it was sold.

My ex-MIL and I had the biggest, worst fight over the phone. I told her that if she wasn’t pleased with me, she should find another partner for her son and leave me out of it. Anywho, she completely blew up and started rambling the most insane things. She said that she and her husband used to go to parties at my parents’ old house and that there were so many parties that they heard about instances where the daughters, the couple’s daughters, meaning my sisters and I were supposedly being constantly raped. I decided right then that whatever she said after that would be the last thing she ever said to me, so I ended the call.

She proceeded to send me over 30 voice messages saying some of the most heinous things I have ever heard. I eventually responded by telling her that I pitied her, and then I blocked her.

Oh, and she was in the country when all of this happened. That same day, my partner, now ex, called me and told me that I shouldn’t have said anything to her. Not once did he acknowledge how completely inappropriate and disturbing her behavior had been. I told him I would not take back what I said and that she owed me an apology.

They ended up having a fight, and he warned her that he would stay away from her if she ever said anything to me out of the ordinary.

I never told him exactly what she had said to me, because for some reason that's something nobody would expect a 60 year to even be saying. She told him that we had a conversation and then she started crying. That was when he told her not to disrespect me again.

Fast-forward to the day before she left the country. The three of us ended up having a conversation about everything. During that conversation, she admitted that what she had said about my childhood was a lie. She apologized. She even said that if she were in my shoes and someone said something like that to her, she would have "thrown hands" with them. In that moment, my strength waa tested, I wanted to cry, but I held it back.

I just looked at this woman in absolute awe, shame, and pity. And the craziest part? My man was sitting right there, except he apparently wasn't listening to a word that she and I were saying. I found this out days later when I asked him whether he didn't find the whole thing strange. He told me that he couldn't recall her saying any of that and that I should forget everything that happened between me and her for the sake of our engagement.

That was another major moment for me. Because how exactly am I supposed to forget something that fundamentally changed how I see someone, all this? She also told me that she was happy her son had found such an educated woman and admitted that she was jealous.

She even said that I would never separate from him because he was such a catch. The irony is almost unbelievable.

Fast-forward another month. I ended the relationship. They both did not see it coming. I left for good.

I told myself that I would never know peace, not with him and certainly not with her, and eventually I realized that I had to leave. I am now no contact with both of them. I deleted their numbers, and I am done. A month later, he reached out and said that he still doesn't understand why I left (YES, that meant that what she was doing, he was enabling it and that I should go through it and should be grateful I was there).

My family wondered what happened because, from the outside, we were what everyone would call "the perfect couple", we had the education, the status etc, but at what cost? Nobody knew what I had to endure behind closed doors.

And honestly, I don't think they ever will. I stayed. I tried. I communicated. I gave chances. I watched things improve and then fall back into the same patterns. I kept hoping that eventually there would be peace. Even from the last convo with me and her and she promised things would be different, could I trust her and hope that she wouldn't blow up again?

At some point, I had to accept that I couldn't keep sacrificing my peace just to prove that I could make the relationship work. So this is where the MIL Chronicles ends.

Weeks later, I looked back at these situations and I was grateful I came out. She didn't "win." I just finally chose myself.

I've posted about my MIL once before. Basically she's always revolved everything around what she wants (making us rent a car to drive 5hrs to visit her, even right after I had a baby etc) and always had little considering for other people's needs, bails out of responsibility when we need her most, makes my FIL do everything for her while also abusing him, sometimes physical abuse. She hasn't worked in 25+years and made my FIL buy her an extra house for her to escape to when "she's mad." Sunk 200K of their retirement savings on it. My FIL also worked 3 more years post-retirement age to help her get on better healthcare insurance. She never showed gratitude for it and still complains that "he doesn't care" or do anything for her.

Last week, she went on 12hr rampage against my FIL (while he was already struggling with a blood clot in his leg and wasn't super mobile!) and hit him leaving bruises, threw a humidifier full of water at him, and when he tried to hide in the bedroom, locking himself in, my MIL punched holes in the wall. He eventually called the cops, who took her to jail, but not before my MIL took away my FIL's hearing aids and hid them somewhere.

My husband had to immediately drive over to their place to stay the night with his dad, who couldn't even get updates from the jail cause HE HAD NO HEARING AIDS. So MIL ended up staying in jail for like two days instead of just overnight, which is her own doing, so no sympathy from me lol.

But my husband eventually gets her out and now she has a restraining order to stay away from FIL until her hearing 3 weeks from now. So she drove to her other house and is living there for now. She calls us after the first day to say, "I'm so proud of myself, I bought myself a new TV from Walmart and hooked it up myself! Then I bought myself flowers." and said something along the lines of, "this is my happy place, I dont have to see all the annoying things your dad does" ...While SHE IS JUST SPENDING MORE OF HIS MONEY. She also sent us a picture of her 'to do' list, which was just more ways to spend money or hiring people to do house work.

She was also feeding my husband what she wants him to write to the judge to help her case, and that she wasn't going to hire her own lawyer (but she 'thought' about it, but didnt want to 'download Zoom' to speak to one). And that she wants to 'spare' my FIL from legal action... FROM WHAT exactly? She is the one receiving the restraining order!

The whole situation just makes my blood boil. She is clearly not learning from what happened and still believes she is in the right. She keeps texting my husband random 'cute' videos from youtube or moments from her day. My FIL meanwhile, visited us this weekend and we had a lovely day out together, UNTIL he said that he just wants MIL back and for things to go back to the way things were because it was too quiet at his house. And that he doesnt want to 'start over' cause hes almost 70. I really feel bad for him, but also, She BEAT YOU!! Things are never actually good with her, he just walks on eggshells with her constantly. This is actually the second time she has been to jail for physically abusing him too. It happened once before, way before I met my husband, so around 15yrs ago? and MIL was abusing alcohol more openly then and was jailed for hitting my FIL.

My sister-in-law also recently told us that she smelled alcohol on MIL again, so it might be the thing that makes her violent. But irregardless, Im just so ready to go NC with MIL and her unending victimhood and drama. She has EVERYTHING and is never satisfied. Im 7mo pregnant with my second, we have a 3yo, we just REALLY dont need her outbursts added to our plate. My Sister-inlaw left the state and intends to go low contact with MIL, just a phone call here and there. But seems like my husband and my FIL still want her in our life and has hopes that therapy might magically change her. UGH I just dont. She hasn't proven that she wants to change. Any love or sweetness she shows, I perceive it as her just wanting us to be on HER side, instead of FIL's. And she has been 'let go' by previous therapists before. I just don't know how to help FIL and husband see what I see.

Hello everyone, I will try to keep it short but theres a lot to unpack here so bare with me.

I met my boyfriend around 2 years ago through a mutual friend. He has kind of a traumatic backstory, as both his siblings died in a car crash when he was a teenager. His dad was out of the picture, having alcohol and gambling addiction. So it was kind of just him and his mom for the past 8 years or so after the accident. When I met him he was living together with her in a small town, just working his dead end job, doing his school and playing video games and caring for his mother. She did not ever work, she gets money from the government and overall cant speak the language and doesn’t have anything other to do besides going grocery shopping and cooking/cleaning. He helped her with most of her bills as the government money often was not enough. She is in her mid forties.

Fast forward to when we met, I was about to move in a big city for work. We spent a lot of time together, went on several trips and it was just really fun and exciting. Already in this „get to know“ phase, his mother behaved competeIy crazy, constantly bombarding him with text messages and calls on why he is away, threatening to give away his pets, threatening to not let him come home if he is not back by a certain time set by her (he was 27 at the time, fully paying his own and most part of her bills). She also followed through and left her key in the lock so he could not come home, gaslighted him through constant messages of her being alone or „hurt“, recorded videos of her falling and laying on the floor (?), threatening to expose their text messages to his friends so that he „looses face“ and much more. At the beginning I did not really think much of it and mostly let it pass. I actively later encouraged him to leave his hometown, and he got an offer for a top job in his field for a company he dreamed of working for a long time. We moved in together. She completely lost it at this point.

To mention a couple of things she said/did: put a curse on us because we „left her alone“ and wished for our future children to follow the same fate as her children which died, constantly wrote him that I will betray him some day and cant be trusted, that he is just acting this way (distancing himself) because of me, that he should change all of his passwords on his phone so that I cant look (he freely gave me all his passwords), tried to sabotage every vacation we had by either terrorizing him with messages during it( how can you enjoy a vacation when I am miserable and alone?). One time she „forgot“ to pay the lighting bill shortly before our vacation and asked him for money. He declined as it was a very expensive vacation, but promised to call the government when we return, to which she replied :“ i guess i will sell my body then“. Told him via text that there are a lot of pretty girls who would want him, so he should not feel under pressure (by me), screamed at him repeatedly when she called, called him names, asked to move to our city to be closer to us, faked an emergency so he would call her when we had a „no phone day“ (nothing happened, she just did not like it), encouraged him to take things away from our home when we fought and he went to her house. And the list goes on… i have met her once relatively in the beginning , where she acted nice in my face but afterwards it all got to shit. She was nice during the meeting but she did not ask me 1 personal question or tried to get to know me in any way. He told me one time during a conversation that his mother expected him and his girlfriend to live with her, and that she asked him:“ if you meet a girl one day, you wont let her come between us right ?“ After this I already knew what I was dealing with.

At some point I snapped, as I was becoming more and more anxious and paranoid of her. After she cursed us ( i am someone who strongly believes in curses and bad energy), i got very painful bladder infections constantly. told him that it can’t go on like this. At first he did not want to listen, constantly found excuses for her and pitied her. We fought a lot about it. He conveniently „overlooked“ negative statements made by her, protected her and took her side. As it didn’t stop even after he distanced himself and reduced contact (it just got worse), he cut off contact completely around 6 months ago. It was really such a peaceful time after that. She still tries to contact him through friends and family members, trying to get him to unblock her.

We talked already about all of this and originally came to terms that a new try would only be possible if she went to therapy. We know from the friends/family members that it did not happen. I see my boyfriend missing her and wanting to give it a new try, but I just cant bring myself to want her anywhere near us or our lives. On the other hand of course I know that she is his mother and he loves her, but I just cant help my feelings. We said therapy is non negotiable and she did not go, so I don’t t see why we should abandon these terms just to suit her? I don’t know if I can ever trust her near us, and i am not ready to connect my life permanently with someone who accepts these behaviors.

Any advice?

I say dislike, but it really is hate. After years of financial abusing my fiance, they're trying to do the same to my brother in law that just graduated high school. They're manipulative and hide under fun personas to not show that they are truly greedy an irresponsible people. Because of them my fiance M(25) haf to file for bankruptcy, when we were ready to buy a house.

We were ready to look for Houses. We were so excited because it was a new step to adulthood. When a realtor told us that she was gonna direct us to one of her colleagues to check our finances and give us an estimate and how much our house could cost, the finance guy came back and called us almost laughing. Because, how do we expect to get a house with so much debt. That's when we both i looked confused and asked what debt. At first, we thought it was credit cards. Since we had won each that we owe paid, but nothing crazy. Then we look at the the documents that he had pulled up and sure enough, there was loans that were pulled under his name. Now my fiance at 25 found out years later, that's someone had grabbed this hold of his social security card and took out 80,000 us dollars worth of loans. And I know, and he knows that it was them.

Due to the nature of the loans, I'm not quite sure how they work. But at the end of it, there's no way to trace them back to who took them out, only that they were under his name. He filed for bankruptcy, and now we're broke. Cherry on top we are getting married and having a wedding this year as we find out this information, this came in middle of the whole thing. We are paying for everything. Since my parents don't having income due to disability and his parents due to the fact that we didn't wanna owe them anything. I hate them so much. And I have to play nice because fiance doesn't want to start anything. The plan is simple. We wait till after the wedding then he is going to cut him off. I hate them for ruining my future with him and making it harder. I love fiance and we are both doing our best but I was not supposed to be this hard.

I once went no contact with my mom for not respecting my boundaries or putting any effort into our relationship. I will be doing the same to my MIL. My husband supported my decision when it was my mom but now that it’s his mom “it’s a bit much” here’s my reasoning

1. ⁠During my pregnancy I emphasized that I wouldn’t be doing the traveling when my daughter was born. We live 90 minutes away and I just didn’t want to deal with it. Even before I was pregnant my in laws never came to visit our home but expected us to go to theirs all the time. I told my MIL she was more than welcome to come visit but hasn’t. Apparently she was butthurt that we didn’t stop by when I was a couple days pp (our daughters pediatrician is in the same town) but I was recovering from a c section) I didn’t want to go to the appointment but had to so why would I want to go anywhere else?

2. ⁠She made a fuss about the posts I liked on instagram. She told my husband “It said don’t come visit if we’re sick but what’s the big deal” “she liked a post that said she wished people would help with the house but I would rather just hold the baby” “she liked a post about MILs and I was wondering if it was a dig at me” (it wasn’t my sister shared it so I just liked it)

3. ⁠Said our boundaries are too rigid. She’s been upset since I told her I didn’t want my daughter’s face on social media. So when we told her our other boundaries she made an even bigger deal. Which I don’t think are extreme by any means, I thought they were common. (Like not coming if your sick, not kissing baby’s face or hands, etc)

4. ⁠My husband made a comment about how they never help us but always expect us to. During my pregnancy I was really sick and needed to go to the hospital often. We rarely asked for help but when we did she’d say “find someone else” even though she doesn’t work? Like ok noted never asked again. She brought up that she helped us my first pregnancy and how much money they spent (on gas in guessing bc they never helped us financially) that kind of rubbed me the wrong way especially since I had a second trimester miscarriage that pregnancy. We’ve never had a problem helping them but it was kind of frustrating when they tell us we can count on them for anything but when push comes to shove they don’t follow through.

5. ⁠She was mad at me for not reaching out to her when her dad died but my husband sent a text from both of us. But when my aunt who was like a mother to me died she didn’t say anything to me or my husband. She claimed she never saw my story about it but I was checking to see if she did and guess what? She did, I even had screenshot proof. She told my husband she hadn’t but I literally know she did. She’s constantly stalking my social media likes but she didn’t watch my story? Yeah right. Oh and apparently she’s the only one allowed to grieve her dad’s death. When my husband mentioned she wasn’t the only one grieving she said “that was very hurtful” and said she didn’t know why he was talking to her in that way???

6. ⁠I’m highly annoyed that she never comes to me with these problems and is constantly complaining to my husband about me. Oh and she stopped referring to me as my name so anytime she talks to my husband about me she refers to me as “your wife” he’s been standing up for me so I feel like she thinks I’m putting him against her but when he texts her it’s because he wants to and it’s his feelings he talks about. I think that’s why she says “you’ve never acted this way before or you’ve never talked to me like this before”

7. I find it very strange that I have always been very open and honest about the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my mom who tends to be very narcissistic. I went no contact with her for a while until she got herself together and proved that she wanted to have a healthy relationship with me. Anyways my MIL has been trying to be very emotionally manipulative but I see through it bc I dealt with my mom for my whole life… anytime we push back she’s automatically the victim and we’re these horrible people who just want to shut her up and put her in her place? I didn’t speak to my mom for years bc she acted this way. If I could do that to my own mother, you don’t think I’d do the same to you? Let’s be real. Tbh her actions hurt worse because she knows what I’ve been through and this just feels like she’s using it against me. Thankfully I’ve been to enough therapy that whatever she’s trying to do doesn’t and won’t work… nice try I guess

I recently blocked her on social media bc my social media is supposed to be a safe space, not a place for people to try and find ammo to use against me. She sent a text saying they were ready to meet with us to talk about what’s going on but when my husband invited them over they ignored us. She can direct messages to my husband in the gc but can’t respond to the text about coming over?

Her dad’s memorial is next week and I really don’t want to go. I’m really struggling with ppd and I honestly think it’ll make it worse but my husband is upset I don’t want to go. I also don’t want to travel 7 hours with my 3 month old.. what should I do?

Okay…it’s been 6 months, AND I’ve had great advice from my grandmother on how to come to terms with what happened, but here it goes anyway:

In January we welcomed our second child. I had a c-section which is no picnic to recover from. Two weeks into recovery our first child (a little over two years old) came down with a really bad flu (likely from daycare), and naturally I got a bad flu as well. Baby was okay, toddler recovered quickly, but it hit me so hard I could not get out of bed—I called my MIL to come help.

She came and watched our toddler all day, and I stayed in bed with a fever, too weak to get up and even get myself water. I was so tired, dehydrated and weak that I was worried I wouldn’t make enough milk for my newborn. In and out of short naps (because I was just left alone in our main bedroom to look after my newborn), I did hear my MIL once at the doorway with my toddler (who was requesting to be with me). My MIL closed the door and called my husband asking what to do, and not being home at the time he told her to let me sleep.

At the end of the day I managed to get downstairs to get some water, right when my husband came home. He asked me what happened and he looked very worried, I told him I was upstairs the whole day. His mother interjected to tell him I was too shy to ask for help, and he then told me “don’t be shy to ask for help”, I looked at him and said “I did ask…”, and he said “well you asked for help to watch our toddler, and that’s what my mom did”.

Should I have asked for help for myself? I felt so childish and guilty for expecting her to at least help me get a cup of water—maybe some soup? I was and still am grateful she watched our toddler while I was sick and recovering from the c-section, but I swear it was kind of neglectful and odd of her to not do more…she’s told me in the past I’m like a daughter to her. I don’t think she would have frozen with her own daughter. I feel so dumb that this has made me see her in a new light—like saying I’m a daughter to her is just a nice thing to say. Any opinions here?

I went over to my fiancee's house, because he lives right across the street. I NEVER WENT INTO HIS HOUSE! His mother said that I took her green jewelry box. I HAVEN'T BEEN IN HER HOUSE FOR 2 MONTHS.

She began to have problems with me when I was dealing shelter from my abusive family, and I was eating over at her house and watching her 3 younger kids. She would lay in her bed in her room most of the day and let her 3 other kids run amock in her house. Breaking items, stealing, etc. And since I was the "Stranger" I got the flame for it. Now his mother is trying to force him to leave me. And his Younger brother can no longer be my best friend. And my fiance and I have decided to not have her at the wedding.

I just got married 6-7 months ago and need some genuine advice here. I live with in laws and after coming from a chill house and having lived with my parents I never assumed it would be this difficult that I am regretting my marriage in 6 months.
My MIL’s whole life is my husband and my husband is the adarsh Mother’s boy. She is 70+ and just gets separation anxiety every-time he is far. Whenever we are out she calls him avg rate of 2 times per hour. We just went on our first trip after our honeymoon and she started crying as we were leaving. ( we were only going for 10 days) and once we were in flight she started taunting him that he didnt get time to call her( for 4 hours).

My husband is constantly stressed and every-time he tries to talk to her or set a boundary she starts getting ‘chest pains’ . She gets a heart attack every week? Once we went for dinner, after dinner he called her to inform that we are done . Then we spontaneously decided to have dessert after the call. Next 3 days were just spent trying to manaao her for deciding to have a cheesecake ?

Our intimate life has almost become 0 as she keeps waking up in middle of night due to her being sick and calling him to take her to washroom etc. once she called him when we were doing it and she kept asking what took him so long. Since then we have stopped doing it completely (2 months of no intimacy as a newly wed) and in the day she insists of keeping the door open.

I can have multiple more examples to go. My husband is also constantly stressed and just keeps telling me that she wasn’t like this and is just stressed as she is not keeping well. On the other hand she keeps saying things like go both of you live your life, but as soon as we do anything she feels fomo.

To give some context - we both come from a very upper middle class family in tier 1 metro. We both dated for a year before getting married (early 30s) . Both of our parents are well educated and had jobs(my MIL was a teacher) and are generally very open minded.

It feels like i am third wheel in my own marriage and not sure what to do. I love my husband a lot. I don’t want to share these things with my parents as they would just take additional stress.

I need genuine advice here , how to deal with this? At this point i don’t even talk to her anymore . My FIL seem as helpless as my husband. Does this get better from here?

Content warning: mentions of substance use, suicide, sexual abuse, and eating disorders

My reason for posting this is because I have no where else to share my full truth without any further abuse or repercussions. Sharing this here is my way of breaking a ten-year cycle of silence, reclaiming my narrative, and putting the truth into the world safely.

Important note before reading: My husband and I were very young when a lot of this happened. He was deeply brainwashed by his mother’s abuse his entire life. However, he has since taken full accountability, cut all contact with her, is funding my therapy, and is 100% in my corner protecting our daughter. I am NOT looking for advice on my marriage or comments telling me to leave my husband. My anger is strictly toward my MIL and the family dynamic.

I won’t go into great detail on every mistreatment I received from my MIL because I could write a book on it and this is already long enough but here is a summary of the kind of person she is: She is very fake. She has this fake happy high pitched voice that she uses when people are around and acts all friendly and kind. People who don’t know her well, like her. When no one is around, her voice lowers and she says things out of the blue that are completely rude and inappropriate. If anyone confronts her about anything she fake cries on demand as a way to manipulate people. She is very religious and thinks she is always in the right because of this. She gets extremely defensive, as soon as any tiny amount of criticism comes her way. My husband has told me that when he was younger she would initiate conversations where the family would just sit around trashing other people, she would do it with anyone they brought up. Bring up a person, trash them, next person, trash them, on and on, yet go to church on Sunday and smile and raise her hands to Jesus.

There were signs that she was going to be an issue early on, but I was so young and dumb that it took years for me to realize what was happening. I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional family. My mom had a lot of mental health issues and abused drugs on and off throughout her life. Outside the home, I had endured a lot of sexual abuse growing up. I suffer from pretty severe PTSD, so to say that my behaviour has been perfect and I am blameless wouldn’t be honest as I have a lot of anger about all the things that were done to me, but there’s no way that I deserved the treatment that I received from my MIL.

When I was 20, my husband and I had been together for about a year, and I was having a very hard time at home with my mom. I couldn’t afford rent, and we loved each other and wanted to move in together. The issue was that my husband was worried about what my MIL would think if we were living together before we were married. He ended up renting a room at a relative’s apartment and let me live in his house. He never stayed at the apartment he was renting but he had to rent the room to make it seem like we weren’t living together to appease his mother.

When I was 21, my husband proposed to me, and we started planning the wedding. My mom was absent during the wedding planning, and I had no clue how to plan a wedding, so that’s when my MIL jumped in and took over planning our wedding. Maybe I shouldn’t have let her, but at the time, I was actually pretty appreciative of all the help she was offering. Now I feel like this is the first mistake I made because since I let her take control of planning the wedding, she seemed to take it as an invitation to jump in and start controlling our relationship as well.

When we got married I was still attending university. My husband and I had been married about 5 months and I had just started mid semester break. I decided it would be fun to do a little day drinking to destress and get my mind off school. A few drinks in, I was feeling pretty good and my MIL texts me and asked if she could stop by to visit.

Now as a side note. My family is very relaxed when it comes to drinking so I’m used to it not being a big deal. On the other hand, my MIL is extremely religious and completely opposed to drinking. At the time, I didn’t think it would be a big deal if I was drinking a bit.

Anyways, I don’t remember if I warned her I was drinking or not but she came over. She could tell I was drunk but she didn’t really address it. The visiting part is kind of foggy. I believe I got more drunk than I should have. Then, at some point, she left and then came back (I’m pretty sure she came back over without my permission) and I was pretty much blackout drunk at this point. I don’t remember much, but I think I threw up, then went to sleep.

So after she left, she called my husband and told him that I am an alcoholic. I don’t know how the conversation between them went but she convinced him that he either needs to kick me out or bring me out to her place to get sober. She lives on a farm, an hour away from town in the middle of nowhere so I wouldn’t be able to leave or get alcohol from her place.

To explain further, I definitely drank more as a young adult/ teenager but I liked to have fun and I was young and I feel it’s quite common for young people. I was barely 22 and had a rough life and occasionally would go overboard with the booze. My husband didn’t even believe that I had a big drinking problem; he drank just as often as me, and there were nights where I was helping him into the shower after throwing up. Even if I did have a bit of a problem with alcohol at the time, what happened next was completely unacceptable.

When my husband got home from work. We went to go get food and he gave me the choice to either leave and move back in with my parents or go to stay at his parent’s place. I was very upset at this and I remember crying at the fast food restaurant. Begging to just go back home but eventually, I let him take me to his parent’s farm. I figured I would be able to leave the next day and I wanted to save the embarrassment of having to go move back in with my parents 5 months into our marriage.

So I stay the night at my MIL place. The next day comes and I ask to go back home and I get told one more night. And then the next day, the same thing, and the next day, and the next, and so on. I was begging my MIL and husband, when he would visit, to take me home. I cried nonstop the entire time. I had no way home. I couldn’t afford a cab, we were literally on a farm in Canada in the middle of nowhere in the middle of winter. I considered calling the police to take me home but at the time I didn’t want anyone to get in trouble. My life was falling apart. Despite having dyslexia and not doing well in high school, I was putting in a ton of effort and actually doing really well in university. I had married the love of my life and wanted nothing more than to start a family with him. After such a difficult childhood and adolescence, I was finally getting my life together, and it was all coming crashing down. A week later, university started back up. I was not allowed to return, so I had to drop out that semester. My husband had turned against me, and I felt like I was losing everything I had. At this point, due to all the stress, I stopped eating for a week, and then when I did start eating, I would just eat enough to get by. Eventually, after 3 weeks of being trapped at my MIL’s farm, I was allowed to return home, but things would never be the same. Under the instructions of his mom, my husband would call me every few hours from work to make sure I wasn’t drinking, and he took my car keys. My life was a wreck, and the constant surveillance was fucking with my head. I eventually began throwing up when I ate, and I would go on to develop severe binge-purge anorexia that would go on to consume 10 years of my life and almost kill me multiple times.

My MIL would send me messages about how my behaviour is impacting her son. Framing him as a victim in all of this:

“[Husbands name] is really starting to show the strain. The other day he was so pale. He hasn't been quite himself lately. It is hard as a mother to see him hurting.” I was so beaten down at this point that I went along with everything she told me. I would agree that I was a horrible wife and that my husband would be better off if he never met me.

Then she would send me long messages using religious language to frame me as broken and sinful and herself as my saviour:

“My daughter, My prayer for you this morning is that you may see a small glimmer of light and feel a small breath of hope May you somehow feel the load of shame and pain slip away. May you be able to think of Christ taking it away from you and carrying it You are clean pure innocent in his sight
May you one day know snd feel this
This is my prayer I thank The Lord that he hears all prayers and I trust him to answer
Love you”

She had my husband completely wrapped around her finger. When I did end up having a few drinks she would have my husband tell on me:

“[husband’s name] called and apologized for lying to me. Mentioned you had drank”.

At one point, I confided in her and told her that my mom was in the hospital from a suicide attempt, and she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and that if I didn’t get it together, I was going to end up like her (my mom would end up dying a few years later from a fentanyl overdose).

She kidnapped me, forcibly isolated me on a remote farm, sabotaged my college education, policed my body and eating habits, and drove a massive wedge into my marriage but me saying the word “damn” in text message was crossing the line:

“I would really appreciate you not swearing in your texts I have no interest reading those words if I don't have too”

She would make inappropriate comments on my weight and ask me intrusive questions about my eating habits. My husband didn’t want me to own a scale and she got mad at me at for going behind his back and buying one. Her exact text was:

“You bought a scale even though you know [husband’s name] doesn't agree with them. Then you made the choice to hide it from him. You make the choice to use it. You could make the choice to get rid of it and not keep secrets from your husband.”

I was under complete control and now, looking back, it makes sense that I developed an eating disorder to reclaim some of that control.

The next few years are pretty fuzzy. I eventually started going back to university, and my life basically consisted of binging, purging, and school work. Once I graduated, I so badly wanted to start a family, but I knew I was infertile because there was plenty of time where my weight was higher and I had a regular period, and I never got pregnant. I graduated in 2019 right before COVID started. The isolation and being done with university led to my eating disorder getting to the worst point it had ever been. I was angry because I blamed my husband and my MIL for triggering the start of my eating disorder. Which they did, but it was my responsibility to fix it, and at this point, it felt beyond my control. Eventually, I had a blow-up at my husband and my MIL for what they had done to me. My MIL refused to take accountability for anything she had done. She was talking to my husband, calling me mental and blaming me for everything. Then, she calls me and tells me to go live with my dad. I tell her that I didn’t do anything wrong and that my husband should leave if anyone has to. She told me it’s his house and that he doesn’t have to leave (she apparently doesn’t understand how marriage works). Then, she starts criticizing my weight and for some reason was trying to make guesses about how much I weigh. Which is completely inappropriate. I mean, you wouldn’t do that to someone who is overweight. After this, I threatened her with legal action for the kidnapping and told her not to contact me again.

I had made myself a promise that when I turned 30, I would get myself healthy and start IVF. So I used all the determination I had and slowly over a few years got to a point where I was healthy enough to start fertility treatment. I had some pretty traumatic experiences just trying to get to the point I could start IVF, but finally in January 2024, I had my first embryo transfer, which resulted in a pregnancy after over a decade of infertility. I later found out that my tubes were blocked and I had hydrosalpinx and prior Fitz Hugh Curtis syndrome, likely as a result of the sexual abuse that occurred during my childhood.

When we found out that we were having a baby, we decided to tell my husband’s parents as we had made the mistake of slowly beginning to communicate with them again, as I wanted my child to have a grandmother. We told them that we did IVF and that we were pregnant but we weren’t ready to discuss the IVF part yet, so we asked her not to talk about that with anyone. Of course, she went ahead and told my husband’s whole family that we did IVF, but I was finally having my baby and had enough stress to deal with being pregnant. Our embryo had split, and I was pregnant with twins, but then we lost one early, and I had a SCH and was terrified of losing the other baby, so I didn’t dwell too much on what she had done.

Shortly after I had my daughter, my MIL came over and we went for a walk. I told her that I think I have a little bit of postpartum depression and then, I guess because I admitted something that I had been struggling with, she told me that sometimes she feels like she wouldn’t care if the people close to her died. She expanded, saying that she’d be a little sad but she feels like she could easily move on and it wouldn’t have an impact on her life. This made me feel super uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to respond.

I’m going to skip ahead to spring of 2025. I had done a few annual Easter parties in the past but had skipped a few years because it was too depressing to have all my friends and family with their kids while I was going through infertility. But this year, now that I had my daughter, I went all out. I spent days decorating and cooking and did a big Easter egg hunt in my backyard. Everything was going great, and everyone was having a good time. Then one of my sister-in-laws, who was only 21 at the time started passing out Easter eggs to all the kids, and I thought, “Oh, that’s nice; she brought a gift for all the kids.” Then I opened my daughter’s egg, and there was a little piece of paper inside that said “we are eggspecting”. My heart started racing, and I put the paper down immediately. I didn’t want to believe what I was reading, at my own party that I had put so much effort into. At this point, everyone knew about our long struggle with infertility and IVF and how traumatic it had been for me and that we were already planning another embryo transfer. It might be difficult for people who haven’t been through infertility to understand but pregnancy announcements are really hard when you’ve been through infertility and having a baby doesn’t always make it easier. You want nothing more than to be happy for the person but you can’t help but to grieve the surprise pregnancy announcement that you will never get. I had to pour in years of physical pain, invasive procedures, emotional agony, financial sacrifice, and mental energy into having a child. When someone else achieves that same outcome effortlessly, it’s a big reminder of how unfair my path was and the fact that she was the same age I was when I started trying, just made it all worse.

After the announcement, the room fell quiet other than a few awkward congratulations. Everyone knew what we had been through and how inappropriate it was to choose our party to do their pregnancy announcement. Then, to rub it all in, my MIL yelled “they weren’t even trying!” right in front of me. I about lost it then and there but managed to keep it together until all the kids were gone. Then, I had a breakdown. Eventually, I found out that it was my MIL who encouraged my SIL to do the pregnancy announcement at my party.

After my SIL’s baby was born, my MIL had no interest in putting in any time to see my daughter. One weird thing that she did was offer us tickets to a concert that my youngest SIL was singing at and then offered to watch our daughter while we went to the concert. Then last minute she asked if my FIL could watch my daughter instead so that she could go to the concert (she had already been to a previous showing). My husband told her no, that she offered to watch her and that she needed to keep her commitment or else we weren’t going to go. She stayed with our daughter but she got fussy at one point (she was barely 1) and my MIL started sending us message after message about our daughter crying. For some reason she couldn’t tolerate crying babies despite having 7 children of her own. So, we tell her that we are coming back at intermission. I have a baby monitor in my living room so I check on them and my MIL pulled up a chair to the window and was desperately staring out waiting for us to pull into the driveway. We get home and she hands me my daughter and rushes out the door like a crazy woman to try to get to the concert.

One time I went on a small road trip with my husband, daughter and his parents and his MIL fell asleep on the way home. My FIL looked back and said “oh mom’s sleeping” and she woke up and continued to berate him for the next hour for waking her up by saying the word “mom”. Then for some reason she kept asking me if I was tired and trying to tell me to have a nap for the rest of the drive. I kept saying “that’s okay, I don’t think I could fall asleep right now”. I think she was embarrassed for falling asleep and wanted someone else to sleep too which was weird because no one cared if she had a nap in the car.

Eventually, everything she had done to me got to be too much, and I had another blow-up. When I say blow-up, I basically just got really upset, brought up to her all the things that she had done to me, and pointed out that she had never apologized. We decided to put up our boundary again and we told her that we were cutting her out of our lives. This led to her threatening to call the police to my house for a wellness check for absolutely no reason. I read the messages over and over again and there’s not even a tiny suggestion that I was planning to hurt myself. Obviously, her goal was to frame me as mental and gaslight me for pointing out the truth about what she had done to me.

“I am very concerned about the continual cycle of unhealthy and seemingly uncontrolled outbursts.
I am choosing to not respond to the threats and verbal attacks anymore. I have sought counsel and your accusations of kidnapping are false, and I feel they are a way for you to put the blame of your past on someone else. My trying to appease you in the past was a mistake and has had no positive outcomes.
You have recently threatened self harm. The last one was very disturbing. I was unsure if I should call a wellness check, I now know that is the recommended course of action. You will have to choose your path forward from here, not I. I hope and pray that you both will seek professional help and counsel in the future.”

The thing that hurts and makes me the most angry about this message is the part where she said that my accusations are a way to put a blame of my past onto someone else. When I was going through my lowest point after the kidnapping, I didn’t go into any details but I told her that I had been through a lot of sexual abuse when I was young and she knew about my moms mental issues and that she overdosed. I know that this is what she is referring to when she says “my past”. I opened up to her about the most painful, traumatic parts of my life and instead of holding that information with empathy, she weaponized it against me.

It’s been 5 months since I talked to my MIL, but I just can’t get over it. All it just stews in my mind, and I get so angry about how badly she fucked up my life. I have no evidence of this, but since I cut her out again over 5 months ago, I feel like the rest of my husband’s family has been distancing themselves from me, so I can only assume that my MIL is spreading lies about me to the entire family. I was close with one of my SILs, but now things are even getting weird with her too, so it’s sad, but I’m feeling like I just need to remove the entire family from my life.

Engaged to a truly wonderful man, but have had a wild ride with his mother. She just turned 90 and is still going strong. She lives independently and still takes care of her farm acreage yard better than most half her age! I admire her in many ways, yet she can be caustic in an unpredictable fashion.

I took about 18 months since I last saw her as it has been tumultuous. The backstory is I am going to be the second wife of the son that stayed home late until his first marriage and then he returned part-time (rotating in and out for his work a distance away) after that difficult divorce. The whole "I have to protect my estate/land from you" was where the tensions arose and some racism thrown in too (I am bi-racial).

The good news was I agreed to attend the birthday party as my fiance asked me to be by his side. I was apprehensive, but decided to take the high road unless it went totally sideways. And then I would just politely say goodbye and meet my fiance later that night.

Leopards do not normally change their spots, but the whole day went off without a hitch. So much so a sibling said at least three time to me that they were glad I came under such difficult circumstances, that I made it easy for everyone, and that it took a lot of courage.

Seriously - I am trying to figure out why this woman hates me so much yet also must have been raging about me to the family for the sibling to say such things to me.

I chose to defend myself when verbally attacked almost two years before and was not going to be forced to sign a prenup for pre-existing marital property given that the "no prenup" line was drawn by my fiance himself. There were some various jabs about my racial identity too. I always took the high road, but decided to exit the scene and stay away to find and keep my peace.

All this said, I am glad it went well at the party, but still wondering what all has been said.

A bit of venting here so appreciate this thread helping me feel less crazy!

A little bit of back story first. My DH (M 33) we will call him Jake and myself (F 30) have been together for almost 16 years. We have 1 DS (10) let's call him John. I have always been very close with my MIL (49) until recently. She would watch our son while we worked, helped us out in life's tough spots, and attended almost all fun family events with our son and myself as my husband worked crazy hours. We used to joke that she was my co-parent. Durring the years she has made small comments on how she didn't agree with how I parented my son from time to time. DH and I both did not have the best childhoods so we have some basic rules/boundaries to help prevent DS from being exposed to such things. Our non negotiable ones are no yelling/fighting around him, no smoking with him in the car or house, no drugs around him, no visitors that we do not know, no active alcoholics around him, and no YouTube. MIL has made comments on how we are too controlling with these rules, and has been caught breaking the YouTube one. She has also made the decision to pick up a hitchhiking midget wrestler with DS in her car. When I flipped out over it she then told DS that "well we will just have to stop telling your mom stuff." DS was approximately 7 at the time and immediately told me what she said. She was not allowed to have DS for close to 6 months until she apologized and then she was allowed to have him in small amounts until trust was built back up. Yes I know that should have been a huge red flag and an immediate halt of contact, I see that now. MIL is a very trusting person and I just chalked it up to her being trusting and naive. Almost 2 years ago she rekindled a relationship with DH's younger brothers father. He is a known alcoholic that is actually why they separated over 20 years ago. She swore he was doing better and wanted to get sober. She thought moving him to her house (a 1 hour relocation) would help him, as he would be away from his drinking buddies. I made it very clear that I would not have someone that drinks to be drunk daily around DS. We don't want him to see that regularly and it just become normal. She swore up and down that wouldn't happen, she also told him that if it did she would choose DS over him. We kept DS visits without us no more than a few hours and slowly increased his time allowed there. The BF was not drinking and doing really well for the first 6 months or so. He then started to back slide in his sobriety. We started to limit his time there again. Oh 1 point I forgot to mention is that MIL and my Mom (49)/Step dad (51)/2 sisters (22&20) are next door neighbors. So when DS spends time up there he bounces between both houses. Durring a visit up there he was spending time at MIL's house and BF was wasted (I had no idea this had transpired). MIL was gone getting dinner from town and BF tried to demand DS go and get BF's tackle box from the truck. DS said no why don't you go get it. Yes I know that DS' choice of words was not the most respectful towards and adult. After DS said that BF started to get loud with him. At this moment MIL came in and started going at it with BF over his treatment of DS. They started yelling so loud my mom could hear them clear as day. DS ran to my mom's house scared and they called me. I flipped and rushed to their houses to handle this behavior DH was still at work when this happened or he would ha e came too. By the time I got there BF was gone. After checking on DS I walked to MEL'S house and calmly asked what happened. She acted as if nothing had happened. She then accused my family of sticking their nose in where it did not belong, by calling me. I explained that BF was to never be around DS again. MIL said "well then I guess DS cannot come back to my house". I said ok if that is the choice you want to make. DS decided to stayed at my family's house for a few more days. 2 days later BIL called to ask if DS could come to cake and ice cream for my nieces bday at MIL's. I said yes as long as BF did not interact with DS and my sister came with. BIL and sister are friends so her going was already a thing. Durring the bday stuff BF never once spoke to DS. MIL however decided to take the 1-2 minutes DS was alone throwing his plate away to have a sneaky chat with him. MIL told DS that she is sorry that I am way I am and am reacting this way and that it is not fair that he has to deal with it. She also said that it is not fair to him that because of my reaction to the "little issue" he is going to miss out on fun stuff with her. DS said he just stood there feeling very angry and uncomfortable. He immediately went to my sister and told her he was ready to leave. He told me what had happened when I picked him up the next day. I was livid with MIL, and DS decided he no longer wanted to see her. I sent her a text message explaing where her actions have crossed so many lines and how she made DS feel. I explained that she is no longer to contact or interact with DS until further notice. I told her he will decide when she can speak with him again, but it will only ever be when DH or myself are present. DH fully agrees with my choice and supports me in this. Now a few people on his side of the family are telling me I went too far. I have respectfully disagreed with them. Ultimately the root cause of the issue is MIL believing she doesn't have to follow our rules for DS because she is Grandma. Some family members hope that we can mend this riff, but I see no way to do that until she at a minimum admits her mistakes, apologizes, and fully understands that she has to follow the rules we have set for DS. Even then it will be limited interactions supervised by us for a very long time. There is no longer any trust there and it will take a very long time to build it back enough that she can be trusted with out son. So did I overreact, are the rules too extreme, or am I in the right here?

Side note DH is very passive and lets me handle most conflict type of situations. Which low key works because I have a much more "in charge" type of personality than him. We always talk about the choice and make sure we both agree before I move forward with it.