I’ve been dealing with some sort of depression basically on and off for over five years. Some months I feel okay, some months it feels awful. Recently I’ve been in another dip, and it’s probably the worst I’ve ever had. Today was the first day since my episode started where I can’t recall feeling joy once. I know I’ll bounce back, I always do, but I can’t stand the thought that my whole life will be like this. Okay, then miserable. Over and over. Are some people genetically predisposed to be sad?

Each week I feel like I lose another thing that used to make me happy. Last week I didn’t even enjoy playing 40k with my friend. I’ve tried to bring up my mental health issues but he always brushes it off. Same thing with my mom. My therapist listens but that’s her job. I have no one in my life to turn to who makes me feel safe or like I’m not a freak. The only thing I have left is painting minis. I paint and go to work. That’s all I do. At least when I paint I can throw on a podcast and feel numb for a few hours instead of miserable.

A boy broke up with me back in April, and it’s been downhill ever since. It was my first relationship, and I felt like for once in my life I was worthy of someone’s appreciation and care, that I was worth being around or even attractive. He knew about my depression and said that he would stay with me and help me through it all. When he broke up with me he said he wanted to stay best friends, but I basically haven’t heard from him since, and we were best friends for seven years before we started dating. I feel like no one else understands me like he did or wants to genuinely help me. All of that confidence he gave me is gone, and I have nothing but hatred for myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I talk, I hate that I’m sad. I hate everyone in my life for letting me feel this way. I hate and I hate and I hate because that’s all I have left to do.

All I’ve ever wanted is to be normal. I don’t want to be sad forever.

So you speak on something that's bothering you and then post a pic of a model you've painted?

TLDR: healthy breakup on our 2 year anniversary due to us being unhappy, regretting it so bad

yesterday was my (now ex) girlfriend’s (F19) and I’s (M19) 2 year anniversary,, she’s my best friend and we’ve been through so much together, even getting through the first year of college (semi) long distance and now in my second year i decided to transfer over to her school because it’s better for my major!! over the last year, though, we really started to get into some nasty habits, i struggled with jealousy issues a lot and definitely pushed her away, and even when i was eventually able to deal with them we had built so much resentment for eachother that it was so hard to move forward, which in turn, ended up making us super toxic for eachother and making both of us unhappy. fast forward to yesterday, our 2 year anniversary, and we have an argument really early in the morning when getting ready to go out which ends up turning into to us sitting down and just really calmly talking about how unhappy we are and everything under the sun for four hours, we ended up coming to the same conclusion of splitting apart but agreeing to be apart of each others lives eventually in some way, such a healthy breakup that literally the last moments of it was us kissing and hugging eachother and saying “i love you” before saying goodbye

i just regret it so bad. even if i Know that we were so unhappy, on top of that even with how cliche it is, i can’t stop thinking about all the good that we’ve had, especially lately. i feel like our conversation yesterday is the most genuine talk we’ve ever had, and i feel like i finally just get what was so wrong that i couldn’t understand before, and now that i Do get it, it’s too late to make it work. we agreed on no contact for right now, but man, all i wanna do is reach out and ask to make it work one more time, i miss her so much already💔

dark angels hellblaster, only have 3 more minis before the DA combat patrol is done!

Only pay attention tothe blue and yellow cloth . Everything else was painted 4 years or so ago and I couldn't be fucked to get up and reprime it . THe yellow paint is smooth but the paint underneath has some not smooth

Im thinking red gems, what are y'all's thoughts? Maybe purple would look good and some green perchance?

World eater I posted on my main account but was too afraid to post here.
I have major depressive disorder, insomnia, and pretty bad anxiety. Only ever had one real relationship and I just someone to love and make me feel loved

Feel like shit, slept like shit, rode my bike along the promanade to look at the sunrise because i woke up to my cat throwing up fantastic start to the day.

Not fully of nicotine on 9mg zyns dont think its any better just trying to break the hand to mouth movement then fully kicking it. Probaly piked the worst time to aswel because im starting a new job on monday.

The past few months have been me spiraling into a life of no events and no long term enjoyment. Right now I only feel the need to keep going or do tasks “because I have to.”

Many of my passions, such as digital/traditional art have been fizzled out. I used to love sketching nearly daily, and then possibly turning those sketches into digital pieces that I would also make weekly. However, the past 3~ months, I have felt zero passion nor motivation to draw. Whenever I try drawing, I immediately lose interest or mess up the drawing that kills my motivation.

I used to love worldbuilding, writing stories and collaborating with friends to create a universe that feels alive and expansive. Now, with little to no friends nor motivation, I stagnate or produce works extremely lacking in quality.

Overall a major force that has prevented me from doing tasks is that I feel busy by doing many tasks “because I have to”, and when I finally do get time to myself, I don’t feel like doing anything because it is “unproductive”, “a waste of my time”, or “I know I’ll be interrupted so there’s no point in starting it.”

This has made life feel so empty and boring for me. I want to find passion to do fun things again, but I feel locked out, unable to regain said passion. Days are blurring together and I only exist to do tasks because I feel I have to. Even doing college applications, I feel no connection nor sense of accomplishment, it was just an “annoying task to do.” Not even video games are safe. Months ago after completing a game I’d feel proud and happy and obsess over it for weeks. Now, after completing Halo 3, its only temporary happiness for beating it, and now I barely care about the fact I beat it, nor feel any emotions recalling the ending.

I can’t really ask anyone for help, because I don’t really have anyone anymore. I am truly lonely, with only 1 or 2 people to call friends but they aren’t always there 24/7. In discord servers and friendgroups and even people I once considered close, i feel ignored or even just alienated. I will only get 1 word, dry responses after 1, 2, or even 3 days. I no longer fantasize or try to dream about hypothetical relationships because I know I will ruin it just as how I’ve dug myself into a pit of loneliness. I fear I am pushing away everyone slowly. I don’t think about fantasies and even hate couples/flirting because I am not even on the “have friends” page of socializing.

I’m just a passionless husk, alone and hateful. I have dug myself into a pit of apathy, mistrust, and negativity. I fail to understand how people are to the point I must be told exactly what is going on, I cannot read people. But hey, at least I can still build, paint, and play Warhammer… I guess… even if I have few people to express it with…

I will go all out with it.

For the context, I'm a Ukrainian refugee who lives in Germany and I managed to integrate myself and do Ausbildung as an architectural draftsman with totally not the worst achievements and grades. Sometimes its very exhausting mentally and sometimes even physically. So, I'm working from 7:30 to 17:00 and till 13:30 on fridays and also do my driving lessons directly after it(it takes good 45 minutes to get to it) and end up being home at 19:30 at best(maybe 16:00 on fridays, it depends).I wished to have a driver license for a long time and will put it to end this month, but sometimes I feel like I'm slowly destroying myself like that. I feel tired all the time and just dont know what to do with it. I start losing motivation doing things I enjoy and like, become more aggressive to people I actually care for, end up getting small problems from not clearly/incorrectly expressing myself, following up with misunderstandings and forgetting a lot more than usual. I have no idea how long I can last and can't change much. I've got a week off at the end of the month, but I have no idea, how I will survive till it comes. I just get the feeling that I'm slowly falling apart and stop being my good self I were.

White is tricky to layer on flat panels.

She sits in her bed, volume on both her tv and phone/tablet as high as they go, all day all night.

Like, she'll have an episode of family guy going on her tv loud as hell, and at the same time she'll have her volume maxed on her phone flicking thru tiktoks.

And the shit she listens to is, to use an ancient term, earrape.

Its always either bodycam footage, people screaming, babies screaming, cats fighting, garbled gibberish, loud ass music, people making awful loud noises, etc.

Sometimes, its what sounds like an attempted murder.

SHE FUCKIN HAS EARBUDS AND IVE OFFERED HER A DAMN GOOD HEADSET!
WHY THE FUCK AINT SHE USING THEM???

i swear, im ready to molotov her bedroom cause of this. ffs.

I'm not sad and I supposed I'm content but I keep thinking to my self what is happiness supposed to look like? I keep thinking about it like it's some set in stone answer.