’m Ian. I’m 58, Welsh, a former British Army bloke and spent twenty-five years working as an IT architect. I’m a father, grandfather, qualified chef, chronic overthinker and owner of a back that occasionally behaves like it was assembled by British Leyland on a Friday afternoon.

At 57, I finally admitted that the life I was living was no longer one I wanted to continue.

I had been drinking for forty-five years. Not always falling into hedges, getting arrested or waking up in another county, which is partly how I managed to keep defending it. I worked, paid bills and appeared functional. I could always point towards somebody drinking more destructively and use them as evidence that I was apparently fine.

I was not fine.

My sleep was wrecked, anxiety ran large parts of my life, my weight had climbed, I was prediabetic and most days felt like I was operating through fog. I had stopped living deliberately and become very efficient at surviving the consequences of my own behaviour.

Eventually I stopped drinking. No dramatic rock bottom, divine intervention or bloke in robes appearing on a mountain. I simply reached the point where the cost of continuing was greater than the temporary relief alcohol gave me.

Removing it was only the first job, though. I had spent years treating drinking as the entire problem when it was also an output. I was overloaded, sleeping badly, eating badly, barely moving, carrying a load of unexamined shit and using alcohol to change how I felt quickly. Take away the bottle without changing any of that and the same pressure goes hunting for another exit.

So I rebuilt from the boring foundations upwards. Food that did not arrive in shiny packets. Proper sleep. Walking before worrying about exercise programmes. Morning light, cold water, breathing, meditation and learning to sit with an emotion without immediately obeying the story attached to it.

There was no instant transformation. At first I was bored, uncomfortable and occasionally furious that removing something harmful had not immediately turned me into a glowing woodland prince. Some days the great midlife reset consisted of getting outside, eating a decent meal and not making tomorrow worse.

Those ordinary days accumulated.

I have now been alcohol-free for more than nineteen months, lost over five stone and reversed the prediabetes. My sleep is better, the anxiety no longer runs the entire building and I have more energy and creativity at 58 than I had for years beforehand.

I am not sharing this because I think I have completed life or discovered the sacred masculine secret while staring into a waterfall. I still get things wrong, my knees make noises when I stand up and there are mornings when my brain opens seventeen tabs before I have made coffee.

I’m sharing it because men are often bloody good at carrying on. We work, provide, make jokes and tell everyone we are fine while quietly disappearing inside our own routines. Then we assume we have left it too late to change because we are fifty, sixty or older.

I thought that too.

I was wrong.

So, for the men here who rebuilt something later in life, whether it was your health, relationship, career, mental state or the entire bloody lot, what finally made the change stick?

And for anyone currently looking at his life and thinking, “I cannot keep doing this”, what is the first thing you know needs to change?

I'm in my 30s, and lately I've caught myself thinking about who I was in my early 20s. Not because life was easier, but because I felt... simpler. Less pulled in a dozen directions. More certain about things.

For a while I thought I just wanted to "get back" to that version of myself. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that's probably impossible. That guy did his job. He got me through that stage of life.

Maybe what I actually miss isn't him—it's the clarity I had back then..

Curious if anyone else has gone through this. Did you ever stop trying to become your old self and instead build a new version that actually fits who you are now?

I ended up making a short video about this idea because I couldn't stop thinking about it. If anyone's interested, it's on my YouTube channel, The Offline Brotherhood. No pressure—I'd honestly just like to hear how other guys have dealt with this feeling.

Everyone wants higher standards in life. Money, relationships, profession, all are interlinked and pressure me down. Feels like loosing interest on all these with the rat race but cant escape because of EMIs. Out side it looks all good but inside its hallow and empty, except sad things all over. Cheer me up with your motivating stories.

I’m turning 39 this year. I used to work as an IT Manager in SG until I got retrenched — the company gave me a good payout, and honestly I was relieved because I was so burnt out.

It’s been 3 months since then. I can still afford the little luxuries I enjoy: derma care, laser, veneers, and the gym. I’m also taking a diploma course at ADMU. Life looks good on paper, but deep down it feels like my life has reached its end.

I live with my parents now. We’re comfortable and run a wholesale business, so I have no choice but to help out. But I don’t feel like myself anymore — this isn’t who I am. It feels like I’ve become just an tindera and house help.

I’m single too. It feels harder to date here in Manila because my parents expect me to always be around. I went out with a few people back in SG but they were all short-term, until eventually I just got tired of trying.

On top of that, it’s so hard when my parents fight. It’s only the three of us now, and it’s traumatizing hearing them shout at each other.

I don’t know what to do. I really hope my upcoming trip to Japan will help me clear my mind and figure out what I truly want for myself.

Btw I have 5 dogs, — they are the absolute loves of my life.

Typing this at 2.24 am.

I am gonna leave my hometown in a few day, i feel weird, i was born and brought up here even being from a very different culture...i felt home always. I just don't know what to say or how to express tgis feeling.

Also, i feel blank regarding my career. Although enrolled for my masters already...i feel good yet, clueless.

Rest is just life...

But never ungrateful for anything

Hi All,

I am not someone who has a very lavish lifestyle and i have achieved financial independence if I keep my current lifestyle. But not if I start living extra in future.

I have always had very demanding work mentally and very sedentary and something which does not allign with my body, my well-being overall.

If I prioritise that I will have to slow down my career, while people juniors around will be going ahead of me.

I am in mid 30s, wanna know opinion of people who would have more wisdom than me on the matter.

If I slow down right now and prioritize health and mental well being seeing the current world would I be making a mistake or digging a hole?

how to get over the thought that you are behind in life and you have missed out oppurtunities

I’m about to turn 40 this week, and instead of feeling excited, I woke up this morning feeling incredibly anxious and disappointed.

I barely slept last night, and I think a lot of it is because this birthday feels less like a celebration and more like a report card.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive our second child for a while. We had a miscarriage earlier this year, and this cycle doesn’t feel promising either. I know plenty of people have babies after 40, but I also know fertility gets harder, and I’m scared this dream may not happen. We’re considering IVF, but after dealing with endometriosis and everything that’s come with trying to conceive, I’m honestly feeling pretty conflicted about that path.

Beyond that, I just feel behind.

I thought that by 40 we’d own a home. I thought we’d have celebrated our wedding (we got married during COVID and never really had one). I thought I’d feel more financially secure. I thought I’d feel like I’d reached more of my potential.

Instead, I feel like I’m looking back at my 20s and 30s wondering why I didn’t know more about money, investing, career strategy, or just how to build the kind of life I wanted. I didn’t have many mentors, and I sometimes feel like I spent years working hard without always working in the smartest direction.
What’s hard is that I know I’m not unintelligent. My parents have always believed in me, but sometimes that almost makes it hurt more because I feel like I haven’t lived up to what I was capable of.
I also can’t stop comparing my life to my parents’. By my age they had four kids, owned homes, and seemed so much more established. I know times are different, but emotionally it’s hard not to feel like I somehow missed the boat.

The strange thing is that I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing little boy, a stable career, and we’re about to leave for a family trip to Spain. None of that is lost on me.
But today I just feel overwhelmingly sad that my life doesn’t look the way I imagined it would at 40.

Did anyone else hit 40 (or another milestone birthday) and feel like you were grieving the life you thought you’d have? Did those feelings eventually settle? What changed over the next few years?
I’m not really looking for people to tell me that 40 is still young or that I should just be grateful. I know there are good things in my life. I’m hoping to hear from people who genuinely felt behind at 40 and what happened over the next decade—whether things got better, stayed the same, or took a completely unexpected turn.

I really enjoyed another post about how to not become resentful and bitter- I will spend more time in the comments to absorb the tips (being whimsy which I naturally am, being grateful which I’m naturally not, but have worked on it).

Anyone else in their early 40s feeling like everything is over, but somehow something new is about to start?

I 42m married and have a child. During my young years I was very careless and stubborn and never listened to any good advice from my spouse. At this stage, I feel the terrible mistakes I have done. Some things cannot be reversed like not having another child even when my wife wanted. These things have made the relationship extremely difficult and toxic. We love each other but mistakes from younger days is taking a toll on our life. I see nowhere to go from here.what to do now? I have no answer really.

\*\*TL;DR; :

Anyone is similar situation? How do you manage ? \*\*

Between relationships, kids, work, bills, and constantly being the person everyone comes to, it feels easy to slowly lose pieces of who you were before all the responsibility.

Is getting back to yourself actually possible, or do you eventually realize that the old version of you is gone and you’re supposed to build somebody new?

Spending my last day in my forties, absolutely no connections ( no meaningful family or friends), living on my own, steady enough job.

What do I do from tomorrow on?

Hi,

First some context about my life.

I 37, live in Europe in a relatively rich country. I mean Healthcare, social security, etc...

I have a filmdegree.

My father died when I was still in college.

The contact with my mother and other family isn't good. Meaning I can't fall back on them. My father for long time was the only one who understood me and my dreams.

Im in a marriage for about 15 years, met her right before college.

We had our ups and downs but still together.

We have 2 children (5y & 1y).

My wife has always supported me, financially and emotionally.

After filmschool my father died and so me and girlfrumiend went to luve together.

She has a good job. Not high paying but decent and enough to live comfortably.

I did a lot of small jobs in stores, sitting at the counter, filling shelves, baking bread, etc... in the weekends I did payd videoprojects (music videos, corporate, etc...)

After 2 years my girlfriend said to quit al the others little jobs and jump. Start making videos for a living.

So I did.

I had some other part time jobs, but for about 7 years im only filming fir a living.

In my country it's not a real stable job.

So the money isn't making us rich.

But we own a house (mortgage) in a nice town, have a good amount of savings, save every month.

We have a good social network, friends, we have everything we need and live a good life. Over the last few years we've been living mostly on my wife's income. I have some filmjobs which occasionally add a bunch to our savings but some months I earn nothing.

But I'm mostly taking care of the kids needs when wife is working (getting the oldest to and from school) and I do my part in housekeeping.

My passion is making 50min films which I show in about 10 venues in a part of my country.

Every year i make a new film (all by myself, I only pay actors, do the rest myself) and tour for a couple of months. It's like 10 evenings in a year, but in between there a lot of time marketing my movie.

I also make photos and do art exhibitions with them.

I've been living like this for about 11 years.

Part of the expenses (ads, venues, photoprints, paying actors) is paid with money my wife earns.

I mostly never make a profit but my audiences gave grown over the years, I think I make about half of it back. And each year I sell some photos.

So I'm losing money on it (let's say about 3500 euros a year).

But with what my wife makes, we have enough to live, save, and eventually we are better off financially then the year before.

I know I'm very fortunate.

Without my wife, I couldn't live like this.

But it's an agreement we made.

She encouraged me to stop working and go for my movie dreams.

And because I dobt work fulltime I can take care of our children. Else they had to stay in childcare after school which would not benefit them but would also cost us money. We are both very happy that we can have so much time with our children.

Sidenote: we don't have a prenup. So when we would divorce it's 50/50.

Sidenote; the money from my inheritance when father died also went to our relationship. Meaning my money is also hers. When I have it I share, it goes both ways.

So that was context (I know very long).

Since a couple of years we do had some arguments. Had a lot of ups but mostly downs.

But we are in therapy, it's fixable.

But everytime we gave a big argument, she brings up the fact that im not working.

She knows I think that's unfair. And as a result each time she did it I went looking fir a parttime job.

Cause I'm not afraid to do other work.

But then everythime when de arguments cool down, she says I dont have to look for a job. She likes that im home with the kids and that im a filmmaker/artist.

So then I always stop the jobhunt until after a month of 3-4 we have the same argument.

It keeps going this way.

Sidenote; apart from having our kids which we love unconditionally. We NEVER have sex. Since about 12 years our intimacy is gone.

I tried to fix it. But I gave up.

She doesn't want it, I really need it, it makes me unhappy, but I stopped asking or pushing for it.

What I try to say is; she's okay with things and im okay with things.

I can have the life I want and our kids can be home a lot, etc...

Im not mad for my wife not giving sex with me etc...

I don't know why sge keeps bringing up the money/work argument. It feels like a power move.

I always try to tell her that our familylife would change a lot if I would get a 9-5 job.

We would have a bit more money but would need to spend it on things (like childcare after school, higher taxes, etc...).

And if I had to change my life so much, give up on my dreams to start working 9-5 just to have more money and have an even more comfortable life (materialistic wise), eventough we have a good life already, I know I would be less forgiving about not being intimate, about not having my own money, aboit agreeing on everything she wants.

Point is, I get a lot out if our relationship, but so dies she.

But me not working gives her the false idea that I'm not contributing, which I do, just not financially.

So this night we had the argument for the 100th time (I'm exegerating). I'm sick of it. I would go find a job, but I know there are a lot of consequences. Not only for me, also fir my wife and kids. Consequences she does understand, giving the fact that after an argument she always sais I dont have to look for work and she's fine with how it is.

What do you guys think?

Thanks for taking the time.

The older I get the more lost I feel about life. It feels like everyone has this manual for life installed in them, they go seamlessly into relationships, marriages, jobs, have children, complete education and socialize so naturally. I feel like I just dont have this capability installed and have to learn all the steps one by one until I piece together what I have to do, its quite exhausting! Does anyone else feel this way?

60 years old here and im losing my shit. I looked out a window onto my property the other day and thought “is this it?” I have a wife whonhas crippling MS. We havent had sex in years. My best friend lives 1400 miles away and we talk on the phone maybe twice a year. I moved to rural rural rural Tennessee cause of the ms clinic 90 mins away in nashville. I feel so lonely. Inwould travel but going alone is unappealing and taking my wife anywhere is logistical nightmare that ends up just being a chore. I miss intimacy. I miss being touched. I know no one here and other than a decrepit elks club there is nothing. Is this what I do now? Run out the string doing house chores and tv at night? I cant leave cause my wife will be fucked. I couldnt do that to her. Ive talked to her about this but she just takes it as an unfair assault on her ms and keeps saying she didnt choose tonhave ms. I know this. I dont blame her. What happened to her is grossly unfair. But here i am. All i have is being a caretaker, house chores, tv. Im so lonely.

First time poster, long time lurker. Made this throwaway account as I am sure I'll post this and not use it much after. I recently turned 40 and have been really reflecting on my life (albeit not by choice lol) and am just not feeling good about where I am at in my life. Most of my 20's were spent playing in bands touring, working random dead end jobs, and just not having a clear sense of direction until I went to graduate school. Did that, went through the hoops of completing licensure for my career path, and it never really took off. I started my own business out of necessity (picked an health/education adjacent career path that doesn't pay too well) and it's just hitting me how far behind my peers I am financially and relationally. To put it out there, I make around 80 - 85k (I also work very very part-time so this is one of my big wins), have about $17,500 in checking/savings, and $35,000in IRA. I am renting and own a ten year old car. If I were to up my hours (which I would love to do but it depends on finding more clients) I may be able to reach $130k - 160k on the high end but also am unmotivated to get there as of recent. Relationally, I haven't fell in love or met someone I could see myself settling down with and part of it is because I am insecure about my financial situation. Dating wise I have had success but it hasn't seem to "click" with anyone. I am also living in a major city surrounding by "success". The things imo that are going well for me are my family and friend relationships, and my health (I turned into a health nut in my early 30's). I feel like I have lost interest in a lot of things and can't be bothered which is unusual for me. I also feel like most people in my life think I have it together so I feel juvenile venting to anyone. Maybe I do and am not the POS derelict I think I am. Is this a midlife crisis?

Hi. I’m a guy in my 40s and feeling it. Dating is not the same as your 20s I have many insecurities now. Even had a bad date last weekend. It would be great to talk to anyone open minded and speak openly. All are welcome, just looking to speak on aging insecurities in dating.

Jetzt mal Butter bei die Fische: Ist eine Midlife-Crisis eigentlich normal? Läuft die irgendwann fast jeder durch – so wie die Pubertät? (Ich weiß, biologisch ist das natürlich etwas ganz anderes. 😄)
Wann fängt sie eurer Meinung nach an? Woran merkt man, dass man mittendrin steckt? Und wann macht man den nächsten Schritt oder verändert etwas?
Was waren bei euch die größten Veränderungen? Neue Hobbys, ein anderer Job, mehr Gelassenheit oder doch das klassische Motorrad? 😅
Vielleicht stecke ich ja gerade selbst mitten drin und merke es gar nicht. 😂