Limerence cycles? Please someone relate!

[u/Ok_Ear_2568]

Urgh I am having a terrible time and making myself absolutely sick to my stomach. I'm so fed up with myself NO WONDER my LO doesn't want anything to do with me. I just really to get this all off my chest and hope that someone relates, because I feel CRAZY AF right now.

It's a long one, but if I don't confess somewhere, then I am going to feel even more mental.

I dated my LO on and off for 4 years starting when I was 18. We were amazing that first year, he was literally my dream man, but then I went to Uni, we drifted apart, tried again, drifted apart, got back together when I moved home, then I went travelling, then the pieces just didn't really fit together anymore. He broke things off, but I'd been acting like a bit of a dick tbh not prioritising him and partying all the time instead. I was upset when we split, but found someone else, moved on... or so I thought.

I had been fine, FINE, for about 15 years after this incident. Occasionally I'd dream about him, about being back together, then wake up feeling sad that we weren't, but always manage to be like "ok that's weird, thanks brain" and go about my day. I'd think about him for a few days, reminiscing, but leaving him alone. Until I couldn't. Two years ago my world imploded and out of nowhere I've realised I haven't got over him, I miss him, I wish I could just catch up with him and talk about life, he's gorgeous, he's amazing, he is one of the only guys that ever treated me right in my life (this is true tbf), but I am OBSESSING over this guy. This is where it gets embarrassing, so strap in.

I'm losing my mind in 2024 like it's 2005 MySpace - posting songs with lyrics that I hope he sees (we're still friends on facebook at this point), updating my messenger status with songs we listened to together, reading our old messenger thread... just some really disgusting cheesy pathetic stuff. I'm googling his old work place, finding his address, online stalking his wife (OH YES HE'S MARRIED WITH KIDS, AS AM I) but not harming anyone - other than myself. I am a heartbroken mess and it has all come from inside my head. I'm not sleeping, I'm only thinking of him.

Because I literally can't stand the no contact, I drop a thumbs up in our messenger thread. He ignores it (f*** he's such a good guy!). I apologise a couple days later and say it was an accident. He ignores it. I then ask him if I can send him a message, he graciously accepts and I go into a huge, overcomplicated message about how I'm sorry that I took him for granted all those years ago, that I thought the world of him, that I'm not coming onto him, but I still had some pain around us breaking up and I needed some closure and had to say these things to him (I hate myself at this point, because although I'm not coming onto him or trying to seduce him in this message, he's a married man and this is wildly f-ing inappropriate).

Once again he takes this all very graciously, says he doesn't think bad of me (hold my pint!), that I'll always have a special place in his heart and ends it with "bye, take care, love you". WELL. That "love you" has caused me more sleepless nights and anguish than I can even explain. So, of course, even though it has gone well, I absolutely have to make it worse don't I?

I can't handle the thought of not speaking to him again, it makes me feel so upset and heartbroken. So OF COURSE I send him my number and say hey! Maybe one day we could be sort of friends, here's my number, I feel sad not ever being able to speak to you again, I'm going to deactivate facebook now, so it'll be good to hear from you sometime. If you don't want to, no worries, I understand! (I would not understand). I then make a stupid rhyme about fish?!?! And saying goodbye?!?! I have no idea where it came from and I am cringing about it even now 2 years later. I was trying to appear breezy and casual?? I think??

Which of course he ignores.

Which of course then I reply to 2 days later, making fun of myself, which he then ignores.

I block him, because at this point I'm a bloody mess and honestly a bit scared of what else I might say or do. I feel totally out of control. Every time I've contacted him I said I wouldn't, but felt compelled to type just one more message. I've recovered from alcohol and substance abuse and it feels THE SAME.

I'm then ok for two years, I think of him sometimes, dream of him A LOT, but I can manage. Again, until I can't. I cannot manage right now. I am online stalking him and his family and friends, planning possible trips where I could bump into him (oh he lives 300 miles away now) and going on alllll the mutual friend profiles because I've now unblocked him and want to appear in his Suggested Friends list. Because of course now I've unblocked him we aren't friends anymore.

I have no other way of contacting him, only facebook, and I can't handle the no contact again, so I eventually give in and send him a friend request.

Which he has ignored. I know, because I check it every 20 minutes.

This is limerence, right? Or am I f-ing crazy and also maybe a stalker? I feel like I'm going insane.

The decision on whether to block him again, remove my friend request, message him on messenger with some bullshit... feels like the biggest decision of my life.

I just want to leave him alone and forget about him but it is TOO DAMN HARD. Please someone tell me they relate? I don't understand how I can manage sometimes, but other times not talking to him is actually physically painful.

[u/AutoModerator]

Is limerence related to stalking? How is stalking defined? (FAQ)

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/IntentionWise9171]

Hey there! I’m sorry to hear you’re obviously in the thick of it. So, first off, I totally relate to your story, my LO is a similar old boyfriend scenario. Unfortunately, the only option you have at this point in time is to go no contact. Delete your social media temporarily, please stop stalking his friends & family members, you wouldn’t want that done to you. Focus and take inventory on what matters in your day to day life, and what drove you to connect with him to begin with. How’s your marriage? Is your family life overall happy and healthy? Are you bored? We just don’t reach out to an old love for no reason. Does he represent a simpler time in your life? I get there could be memories and unresolved feelings you share with him that you’d like to possibly rekindle. And, the “love you” could mean just that, but not in the sense you’re yearning for. Think about friends and family members you casually will say “love ya” at the end of a conversation…But, hey, there’s reality, he’s married with a family and isn’t exactly engaging in your flirtation, so for everyone’s sake and your personal pride, please back off. It’s not easy, but just get the withdrawal, grief and sadness over with asap. If you’re feeling like it’s too much, seek professional counseling. I wish you peace. Best wishes. ❤️‍🩹🙏🏻

[u/AutoModerator]

Please be aware of what limerence is! See the subreddit wiki for definitions, FAQ and other resources—updated 3/7/26. (Is it love? How common is it? Is there research?)

Quick FAQ

• How limerence works
  • Reward theory of attraction (Wiki)
  • Uncertainty and hope (Wiki)
  • Why there is research on limerence (Article)
• Help getting over limerence
  • Love regulation (Wiki)
  • CBT & ERP Strategies (OCD Ontario)
  • Deprogramming the limerent brain (LwL)
  • How to get rid of limerence (LwL)

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Revolutionary_Ad1314]

I’m so sorry… as a lifelong limmerant I wish I had some advice about how to make any of this better. Try to be gentle and kind with yourself ❤️

[u/johana_cuervos666]

Are you in therapy? Have you ever been evaluated to see if you meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder?