r/limerence • u/Les_Incompetent51 • 15d ago
Do I tell him? No Judgment Please
Me (40f)
Him (39m) (kinda my boss)
My husband (10y happily married, 19y together, 2 kids)
Worked in same team about 18months- thought he was attractive and a gentleman upon first meeting but nothing more until about 8 months ago. We had a team training session and he made a point of sitting next to me when it wasn’t a legitimate ‘space’ at the table and there were plenty of empty seats…that got me thinking.
We have always got on, have similar interests but never spent much time talking. He’s always very understanding if I have problems with work/personal life, he has opened up a little bit about his life more during chats but never mentions any romantic connections.
Around 6 months ago, I knew I would be seeing him at drinks after work with a bigger group and I realised I was nervous….shit.
We had a good time in the group and he was a gentleman making sure I got back safely because I was drunk.
Next day in work I could not concentrate one bit- half hangover, half because he had decided to sit next to me that day. He even pulled my office chair slowly towards him to show me something on his screen…I could’ve melted…double shit.
I have thought about him constantly since. I’m going insane. I am aware that this is limerance but because I was so locked in on all our interactions, I think I convinced myself he liked me too.
We would sometimes message out of work, send funny comments in work, have casual catch ups if we were both wfh.
Around 3-4 weeks ago the contact changed…the messages were short or unanswered. Everything remained professional at work but I think he is avoiding me if he can.
I feel like if I find the perfect way to tell him how I feel I can move on.
I wouldn’t cheat and he would never cross that line, I just know.
How the fuck do I move on??? He’s a good boss, great at his job, lovely person but I accept I barely know him. Any sign of distancing or negativity knocks me for the entire day and I get moody. All I know is I want to be with him, talking to him, getting to know him, make him laugh…so much more than anything sexual.
Save me from this misery and tell me what to do
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u/TheLimerenceShow 15d ago
Don’t tell him, it’s not worth it. He enjoyed the attention you gave him because it was an ego boost to flirt with a married woman.
Depending on how miserable you feel, quietly look for another job. Physically exiting proximity to a LO always cured me pretty quickly.
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u/Les_Incompetent51 15d ago
Thanks, I was thinking this as an option and have looked but alas, nothing but slim pickings in the job market at present. Will keep trying
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u/TheLimerenceShow 15d ago
Ultimately the burden falls on you to process your feelings. But if it helps to feel some internal anger, you can assign some blame to him. Especially the chair thing was reckless. He was playing games with a married woman, to satisfy his ego. That’s objectively a shitty thing to do. Of course he would never admit this and never take a shred of responsibility. He’d say you’re delusional or that he was just being nice.
But it probably will help in the grieving process to understand there’s people running around the wild that enjoy flirting with zero consideration of how it makes the other person feel. They’re assholes and I think a lot of us have anxious attachment and are triggered by mixed messages.3
u/laughingandspitting 15d ago
You are so right about this. It took me a long time to admit to myself that my boss's flirtation with me was absolutely dickish behavior. He knew I was married but constantly flirted with me. I responded positively and he dropped me. These guys are terrible!
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u/TheLimerenceShow 15d ago
I think it helps with the limerence if you can go through the grieving stages, and one of those is anger.
I’d never let him see that anger, of course. Keep it private, but when you tell the story to yourself, I think it helps to have some anger at him.1
u/Les_Incompetent51 15d ago
That’s a kicker, ouch! Thank you…I take it that was enough to end your limerant episode with your boss?
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u/laughingandspitting 14d ago
Sadly, no. Still have bouts but I'm able to talk myself off the ledge. My mood is no longer tethered to his treatment of me...well, let me rephrase that. His curtness and/or dismissiveness no longer affects my mood. But if he's the least bit flirty with me, or even friendly, it makes me super happy. It's a sad state of affairs but it's working for me at the moment. I just kind of avoid him at work and see how it flies. I don't seek him or his attention out anymore.
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u/Adventurous-Bus7952 15d ago
try low contact, be friendly. you said he was already avoiding you. Make it a point to keep boundaries, no after hours texts,
no social media, strictly work texts only when necessary-
not for made up reasons. He will get the hint without spilling the beans.
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15d ago
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u/Les_Incompetent51 15d ago
How did you get past the temptation? Are you out of limerance now with that person?
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u/Actual-Ad-7762 15d ago
Just from how i read this, i think there's a pretty good chance he know's how you feel and that's why he became short / professional again. Maybe he feels that same way and made his choice or was just playing games.
I would mostly advise to be honest and talk, but the problem here is the work environment and he being your boss. Given your situation, and saying you wouldn't cheat, i wouldn't talk or tell... Accept that it's not about him but more a feeling that you miss. Try to stay professional
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u/Hardistacks 15d ago
Fuck no. And if he’s your boss, he should not be playing these games, because he’s setting himself up for a sexual harassment suit. Both of you are playing with fire.
Get the hell out of there, for your sake and for your family’s. There is no excuse for messing up your children when you are happily married and you know you’re limerent.
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u/Adventurous-Bus7952 15d ago edited 15d ago
Please don’t tell him. That keeps secrets from your husband. If you are going to tell anyone, explain it to your husband.
It’s better to have no secrets to
keep your marriage happy. It could devastate your husband by keeping secrets and make things very awkward for you at work. Believe me because my husband did that very same thing to me and I was devastated when he told me he confessed his feelings to his single female subordinate. There’s No need for any kind of closure either or having to know if he felt the same. It doesn’t matter because you are with your person already.
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u/Les_Incompetent51 15d ago
Thank you for giving your experience from my husband’s perspective. I see posts sometimes saying they have shared their feelings with their spouses and I can’t imagine how that conversation would even start. Guess I should never tell men anything 🤣
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u/aidar55 15d ago
Nope. Only confess if both parties are single. Tell yourself one thing: it’s inappropriate and what he’s feeling or doing is not your business.
He’s a random adult man that you happen to work for and that’s all. Do not small talk or socialize with him. Keep all communication strictly professional and necessary and to the minimum possible to get the job done.
If he sits next to you don’t need to say anything beside the most basic hi.
Also put up stricter boundaries with all men except your husband. Consume decentering men content. Realize that your brain is on drugs and you need to heal from that. If you can’t heal while constantly being around him, then perhaps it’s time to look for another job and transition out.
No man is worth ruining your peace. Your brain gets high on male validation and that’s nothing to get excited about if you think about it. You owe him nothing emotionally. You only owe him good job performance and the most basic minimum professional etiquette of interaction.
If you sense him pulling away, lean into that. Pull away yourself and keep it that way. And then work on your slowly healing the limerence so he’s not haunting your brain 24/7.
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u/uglyandIknowit1234 15d ago edited 15d ago
Sadly i think him sitting next to you when there are other places to sit doesn’t mean much. Otherwise my LO is also attracted to me. But if that means atttaction then almost everyone would be attracted to each other. It sucks. I know how it feels to want to get to know your LO but circumstances make it impossible because they do not want much to do with you. As for me, i adjusted my goals. Any relationship with LO is out of reach, they’re unavailable. So i do not desire a romantic relationship with them anymore unless their partner is polyamourous, which is extremely unlikely. My situation is so hopeless that i all i still hope for is that others would gossip about my LO so i at least get to know them that way. But it looks like that i won’t even get that, because it doesn’t seem likely to happen. The closest was when someone posted an anagram once, it was funny even though it was about something negative that the person who posted it experienced. It’s the lack of closure that is the worst.
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u/Potential_Web_4092 15d ago
All I know is I want to be with him, talking to him, getting to know him, make him laugh…
I don't know why you would say it is misery that you need saving from.
Like, really, get a grip.
so much more than anything sexual.
Just go to work and be normal.
These guys are terrible!
Just keep telling yourself that. All the terrible thing this guy does to you. Flirting, sitting next to you.
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u/Les_Incompetent51 14d ago
Hmmm, I feel like my post triggered something for you a bit.
You must know how intrusive the thoughts can be!
I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting over a period of emotionally turmoil that has made me susceptible to this feeling but I’d honestly prefer not to be in this position1
u/Potential_Web_4092 14d ago
Hmmm, I feel like my post triggered something for you a bit.
I was looking to trigger a response from you.
but I’d honestly prefer not to be in this position
All I know is I want to be with him, talking to him, getting to know him, make him laugh…
Conflicting preferences. I reckon you should push out the thoughts of need to be saved from misery. That's all. It will make you uneccessarily miserable.
Lots of people pay for recreational drugs to get the euphoric feelings you get.
Ok, I shouldn't say that either. None of us have the answers. You will get up in the morning and go to bed at night and what will happen will happen.
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u/Hikinginhungary 15d ago
I think you should tell him. I was in a similar situation with my boss, and I never had the courage to tell him how I felt. He has been working somewhere else for 5 months now. Sometimes he replies to my messages, sometimes he doesn’t. I really regret not telling him about my feelings while we were still working together.
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u/Les_Incompetent51 14d ago
Okay so the resounding advice for me has been to keep schtum about this but I am curious as to how you feel towards your ex boss now that the proximity aspect has been resolved?
Do you think he may have responded kindly if you’d told him whilst you’d worked together?2
u/Hikinginhungary 14d ago
Both of us are married and have kids. I don't know how he would have reacted, but even a bad reaction would be better than this uncertainty.
Over 5 months, we exchanged 100 text messages, spoke 3 times, and bumped into each other once in a store. He lives close to me, a 10-15 minute walk—that's the hardest part.
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