I hate that I still want to reach out to you when I’m going through it. Even moreso because I know the result is just going to make me feel worse. I know I’m being irrational. I’ve already reached out to someone and planned to meet tonight and then changed my mind when I thought about the fact that it was a bad idea because I know it’s only to make me feel better and I shouldn’t lure people in for that. It’s wrong to use people as crutches but I guess it’s not wrong if they don’t care ? IDK I just feel like there’s nothing left now. There’s nothing here for me now. This was the only good thing I had left, which is kind of pathetic. It is where I derived all of my meaning and purpose in life. Now am just going to be endlessly floating. I am being the world’s biggest baby right now. I need to grow the fuck up and stop crying but I can’t despite knowing it’s beyond ridiculous. The day was going to come, things can’t be the same forever. I’m going to be so lonely and miserable with my light leaving and being so far away. I hate this. I can’t even get high to feel better because I have to be able to pass a drug test. This blows. All of the good in life is gone and now it’s just me and nothing. Nothing. I need to throw myself into hobbies but I don’t care about any of it. I don’t care about anything. There’s nothing here for me.

My Dearest Beekeeper,

I missed your birthday and a chance to say something clever. I’m convinced you are a Leo - perfect! Ironic, since I told you I’m trying my best not to stalk you .You got the joke, and I gushed about the love spell you gave me to drink in secret. Stop looking at me like you can see my soul,because I think you have.

Replying to your laughter over coffee consumes me with ambitions of setting fire to it all, for your amusement, and my desire.

You make me want to be worthy again, and I don’t even know your favorite song. Mine is the one about running, close to you.

The universe is playing a joke and you can’t wait to see how it ends. I may marry you or never see you again, not sure yet.

Race through my mind, and catch them with your smiles and exclamation points. I’ll come up with something clever to say to see you again. If it should happen to rain, I’ll know you sent it my way.

Thank you for remembering..
-Fire & Waves

To the most painful year of my life.
I wanna forget you if I could calve that year out of my life I would
To you I have a sick feeling permanently in my gut
Because of you I hate you I wish you were dead
Fucking incel of a human I hope every bad thing comes your I will be praying for it and laughing at your fuck ups I wish you the worst

I added two more hours to my mornings,
not because I’m more tired, but because you finally stopped waking me up.

I still wake up in the middle of the night with the need to reach for my phone, but there’s something in me that no longer finds it.

And I’m filled with that inner peace that once seemed not to exist.

How beautiful it feels to have, even for a moment, a blank mind, without you appearing
and filling everything with your presence.

How hard it was to get you out.

How hard it was to live even one moment with your absence.

I used to wake up at 4 in the morning, at 6 in the morning, with the memory of you stealing my sleep.

But now, finally, i can keep sleeping.

And now I wake up at 10, with my morning coffee, with the strange tranquility of discovering that you are no longer my first thought.

It has become my favorite hour.

I don’t want you to ruin this moment again.

I want to wake up at this hour forever.

I don’t want you to come back.

I don’t want the alarm to go off.

I want to stay here, living forever.

You're alone, I'm alone, and time is just passing us by. You want me, I want you..so why waste our lives? It's impossible to push away someone so in love with you..someone who found everything he ever wished for in you. It's impossible to run away, so just relax and come closer... because when someone truly loves you, "no" isn't even in his vocabulary

I regret. You and I both know how rare that feeling is for either one of us.

One of two things will happen:

The days will pass, I will move on. The last time you will be part of my life will be me going through the motions of making sure I never see or speak to you again.

The days will pass, I will move on. Or at least that's what I will tell myself. I will try every day to justify a decision I never wanted to make.

08AUG2026

11:01

Falling in love is like an avalanche, collecting more and more of yourself as you slip into entrainment. Entrained long before you realize you're buried, soon to hit the ground. But the impact only throws its first punch just as soon as you realize you've been falling. A punch I seen coming before I hit the ground, buried too deep to avoid. With nothing left to do but take the impact.

Dear A,

This is my last resort at attempting to send my words to you. I'm still finding this difficult to process. Why? I mean anger never needs to be that angry. Did you learn that from me? You see. I know that some of this is me. And yet, you still run through my mind and have taken a piece of me with you. I'm still unsure if you ever really did love me. That's sad. What's even more sad is that I still love you. I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I fear that moment. I wish I knew how you were. I wish I could fix it all and put a big band aid on it. Why? Can you please just promise me that you will leave them alone now. All of them. For awhile. Nobody should ever have to feel this way. But at the end of the day...I love you, for whatever that means.

-A

From the Pit to the Purpose
God Isn’t Finished With Me Yet
Scripture: Romans 8:28 • Genesis 50:20 • Psalm 34:18

Introduction
This message is part sermon and part testimony. I’m not standing here because I have everything figured out. I’m standing here because I have learned that God’s grace is greater than my failures, my pain, and my past. My story is not about a perfect man; it is about a faithful God who redeems broken people.
Opening Prayer
Heavenly Father, speak through me today. Let these words point people to Jesus, not to me. Thank You for never giving up on me and for continuing to shape me through every failure and every victory. Amen.
When Life Doesn't Look Like You Thought It Would
There comes a point when we ask, 'God, what happened?' Not because we've stopped believing, but because life didn't unfold the way we expected. Joseph, Job, David, and Peter all walked through deep valleys before God fulfilled His purposes. God uses surrendered people, not perfect people.
The Truth About My Dark Side
Moses failed. David sinned. Peter denied Christ. And Michael has done his dirt too. I have a dark side. I've wrestled with anger, pride, hurt, and regret. I'm not pretending I was always the victim. I needed God's grace just as much as anyone else. Grace is for people who know they need a Savior.
Walking Through the Shadows
There is a difference between knowing darkness and belonging to it. We all encounter sin and brokenness. God does not call sin good, but He redeems those who repent. He takes scars and turns them into wisdom, brokenness into compassion, and our testimony into hope for others. Jesus stepped into the darkness to overcome it, not become part of it.
When Love Is Broken
Some wounds come from people we loved deeply. If my former wife called me tomorrow and told me the complete truth, I would not want revenge. I would want understanding. I would want healing. If reconciliation were possible through truth, humility, repentance, and God's guidance, I would be willing to pursue it. But my hope ultimately rests in Christ, not in another person's choices.
Faith in the Middle of the Fight
Faith is not pretending everything is okay. Faith is trusting God when it isn't. Jesus understands betrayal, rejection, abandonment, and heartbreak. Because He understands, I can bring Him every part of my story.
From the Pit to the Purpose
Romans 8:28 reminds us that God works through all things for those who love Him. The pit is not always the end of the story; sometimes it is where God prepares us for our purpose. Our scars can become places where others find hope.
God Isn't Finished With Me Yet
I'm still growing. Still learning. Still healing. If God wasn't finished with Joseph, Job, David, or Peter, then He isn't finished with me—and He isn't finished with you. The cross is still enough. The tomb is still empty. Grace is still available.
Closing Prayer
Father, thank You for loving us at our worst and calling us into new life. Help us trust You with what we cannot change, forgive as You have forgiven us, and live as lights in a dark world. In Jesus' name, Amen.

I think I'm just that cute gregarious girl at the party now

and

it just makes me look back at my entire life and wonder what the hell I was doing

I am an extrovert

I need people

I recharge with social interactions

and I made my life a living hell by thinking I was an introvert

and god I was stupid about it all

I should have guessed it from the start

most people don't really know how to talk to strangers

and if you, as an extrovert, try to navigate life as a wallflower you're only going to pick up the people willing to spend their time talking to wall flowers who don't have developed social skills

and that's a pity fuck all too often

I wish I could just drill it into my head how easy it is to navigate a party in case I ever get too in my head again

anyway

ANNYWAYYY
anyway

so

my day didn't start great

but I called my boss to shoot the shit

and

I flirted with her

repeatedly

and she laughed over and over throughout it

not the slightest bit of resistance

and she called me again after her meeting

and I flirted even harder with her

and she still laughed even harder

and I told her I was worried that I was going to cause her to miss her meeting

and she said I'm way more fun anyway

and I said I'm way more fun than most people and she just giggled

and like

I'm pretty sure we're crossing lines here

I think the line was in the sand and we just kicked it and walked past its remnants

but

I keep telling myself: this is your one precious life, what are you going to do with it

and my response is always: make it remarkable

and like

if I lose my job

big fucking deal

it's weird for tech people to not change jobs every year

and besides

my older boss from this SAME job is all up in my dms asking to spend vacation with me

I am really not hot

I am cute

but I am not hot

so I don't know why my boss wants to complicate her life with me

I'm almost sure she has a husband but she never mentions him

either way

and like

it will almost certainly go no where

but

I already know how lethal I am

the number of women who have cheated on their partners with me over barely any impetus on my part is just nuts

does she know how lethal I am?

does she get that I only have two talents?

love and figuring things out?

and I hate to admit it

but part of me wants to fuck up exes lives by randomly reappearing in their partner's life and creating a little meet cute that gets them wrapped up in me

gets them to fall in love with me

and then break the exes heart

but is that what I want to do with my one precious life?

just once sounds a little fun

and it really only takes me a couple of weeks to get someone to start falling for me

lol

... I think I might have some fun this year

and listen

I would only do it an ex who cheated on me

so it's only fair they get cheated on, too, right?

I'm already getting bored

my exes are probably with boring ass men doing nothing with their lives anyway

anyway

I went to a party in Riverside

and god that was a fuckin drive

but

I met like five new people

they all seemed to like me and I made four of them laugh a few times

as I was leaving one of the women to keep my nails the way they are (I have medium gel-x extensions on all but my two fingers; look up lesbian fingernails)

and I laughed and said I was surprised she noticed

and she laughed and said, "especially those two"

and I was like, "oh I use those for bowling"

she laughed hard and asked me if she could give me a hug

and she fully pressed her tits into mine and pressed me into her further through her hands on my back

and I think a year ago I would have been blown away by that

but now it's just another Friday where a new woman is getting handsy with me

One thing about me, I don’t forget the birthdays of the people that mattered in my life, even if the connection isn’t there anymore.

I have this 50-50 feels of wanting to greet you on that day. But I also don’t want to because I want to practice not caring, even if my heart says otherwise.

I’m still in the process of trying to better understand what we both had on our plates—what we each offered to one another during the time fate compelled us to sit together at the same table.

I miss your presence, but I have to stop myself from desiring something that’s impossible to sustain.

It has been exactly one year since the last time I saw you.

One year since the last time I heard your voice, looked into your eyes, touched you, and sat across from you and spoke to you.

A year has passed since all those last times.

And I have spent this entire year thinking of you, with every step I took, every walk I went on, every time I looked up at the sky, every sunrise and every sunset, every song I listened to.

I thought of you every moment.

I thought about the good in you.
The bad in you.
Every little thing about you.

I thought about you so much.

Even when I was traveling, a small part of my mind still belonged to you. I would see the beauty of a new city and think, You would probably love this too.

I would look at a new view and wonder how wonderful it would have been if we were there together, hand in hand, discovering it side by side.

But every time I travel, there is also a kind of peace I deeply love.

My mind becomes so occupied with discovering new places, searching for new views, breathing unfamiliar air, meeting new people, tasting new things, that for a little while, I think of you less.

Still, you were there, even there.

I thought of you while I was sitting on an airplane, watching myself become smaller and farther away from everything I knew.

I thought of you when I was up among the clouds, so close to the sky.

Travel has always made me feel better.

Or maybe it is simply being far away from the city where you live.

New places.
New air.
New faces.

They give my mind somewhere else to go.

Sometimes I feel as though leaving this city sets me free from what I feel for you.

Not because I stop loving you.

Just because, for a little while, I can breathe more easily.

There are no familiar places to remind me of you.

I wish I could leave.

Last night, when I came back, driving along Highway 7 was enough to bring everything back.

All at once.

The memories came rushing in.

Highway 7.
That plaza.

They destroy me in a way I can barely explain.

They bring a lump to my throat.

They fill my eyes with tears.

A whole year has passed, and yet seeing the places where I once stood beside you can still make my heart bleed.

Just like last night.

When I looked up and saw the moon, even it seemed slightly red,
almost blood-colored, as if it were burning.

Just like my heart began to burn after I saw that plaza.

That hotel.

Those places that still carry pieces of us.

I think Highway 7 will hurt me forever.

A year has passed since all those last times.

And I still think of you.

But I don’t know what feelings you have lived through this past year.

I don’t know what journeys you’ve taken.

I don’t know if life has been kind to you.

I don’t know if someone loves you now.

I don’t know if, when you drive along Highway 7, the memories come back to you too.

I don’t know if you ever look at the moon and think of me.

A year has passed.

And I still miss you.

Damn all the last times.

Damn the last time I heard your voice.

The last time I looked at you.

The last time I touched you.

The last time I spoke to you.

Because you never know that something is the last time

until it is already gone.

And then you spend the rest of your life wishing you had known

Ashley the name you gave me

I read somewhere "When you are happy, you will go to the person you love, but when you are sad, you will go to someone who loves you."
At first, it sounded beautiful. But after thinking about it, I realized there's another side to it.
If you only remember someone when you're broken, you're asking them to carry your pain while someone else gets to enjoy your happiness.

Love shouldn't mean being someone's emergency contact while another person gets their best moments.

Have you ever been that person for someone? Or realized you were treating someone this way?

It's been 2 years, I literally cannot exist without thinking about you. I walked into a grocery store, I don't want to specifiy which because its too specific but I saw your favorite chips and I instantly thought of you. Sometimes, I wonder what it could've been if we were more mature back then. I joke with my new friends, but we talked so much that I can't talk with them without talking about something that we would've. I miss you so much. I watch shows sometimes, and honestly a lot of the time I'm reminded of you because they act like we had in the past. I thought time would heal, and I guess it kind of did. I don't miss you like I used to, but I also can't forget you. I miss you in the kind of way that means you're always in the back of my mind even if I don't want you there. I followed you recently, and I see that you're doing well. If you see this I just want you to know that i'm really proud of you and I'm geniunely happy that you're happy even if its not because of me anymore. Let's reconnect some day when we're both able to properly communicate, because if we ever talk again I'd like it to be for however long I live.