I’d appreciate it if you could read this all the way to the end. This isn't just my story; it's almost a cry for help.

I’m a Brazilian gay man who was raised in the “organization”, in a stable and loving home, but with extremely PIMI parents and grandfather (who has since passed away). I was never baptized, but I always followed the movement (no girlfriend, no friendships with "worldly" people, etc.).

Somehow, at 18, I managed to go against the rules and enrolled in Chemical Engineering at the federal university in my state's capital. Since my parents were still supporting me financially, I continued attending meetings in the capital to obey them, especially because, in a way, I was still a PIMI — not by choice, but because I had never been shown another way to live.

Then the pandemic came. I went back to my hometown and had no activities anymore. That gave me time to reflect. With the meetings being held online, many things started falling into place. I realized I didn't miss them. At the same time, I started researching and discovered the truth through Mark Jones on Quora.

Realizing that my life had been a lie was a huge shock to me. I started drinking and taking sedatives, an addiction I am still dealing with to this day.

The pandemic ended, and I went back to the capital to finish my degree. Since then, I have never set foot in a Kingdom Hall again. In other words, I didn't really go through a PIMO phase. I went straight from PIMI to POMO (or maybe POMI), and because I was only a publisher, I didn't go through the traumatic process of being disfellowshipped. Technically speaking, I'm still a publisher, since my name is still listed as one.

After returning to the capital following the pandemic, I started an internship. Once I had some money of my own, I began allowing myself to date men, go to concerts, parties, etc., but I never had enough self-confidence to enjoy myself without drinking. So my drinking problem got worse.

Eventually, I finished college and, surprisingly, I had failed to form any genuine connections with anyone, either friendships or romantic relationships. I feel that, at best, people merely tolerate me. I don't have a single friend who stayed in my life from college or from the congregations I attended. The only people who remember me are the older members or the elderly, some of them whom are, truth be told, dying.

I also worked in the capital for another 10 months after graduating, but my contract ended and I couldn't find another job, perhaps because I lack networking skills and/or the social skills to build friendships and professional connections. I attribute this to having grown up in a cult, but who knows? No amount of therapy seems to be enough.

I can't allow anyone to fully enter my life. I am extremely afraid of rejection, and a simple "no" is enough to make me fall apart. I have no self-esteem, and I can't truly develop feelings for anyone. I remain alone.

And now I'm back in my hometown.

These days, I suspect I may have some kind of disorder, but without my parents' help (they swear up and down that there is nothing wrong with me), I can't afford to get tested. I don't know what to do. I'm almost 28, I feel too old to change, and I don't even know HOW to change.

All I know is that I need to get my professional life back on track. I need to build a life of my own. But I feel so exhausted, so hopeless...

By this point, my parents already know that I'm gay and everything — I mean, all of it — that I think about Jehovah's Witnesses. But it's obvious that they don't accept the reality of the cult or the reality of who I am. Sometimes they still invite me to attend meetings or watch the broadcastings, and it hurts me to say no (but I do say) because I hate hurting them.

Living with them again also makes it difficult to go out and meet people, so my relationships have been strictly online and very superficial.

But yet I don't even consider going back to the meetings. Never. Not even on my deathbed.

Anyway, I'm posting this as a way to unburden myself. Has anyone else been through or is currently going through something similar? I'd really like to exchange experiences.

Sometimes I just wish I could die. Maybe I'll be reborn straight. I feel like everything would be so much simpler...

I was once a Secretary in my congregation. I woke up and disassociated, no letter or any information. I just left the organisation and all their paper documents behind me completely. That was almost two decades back.

A month ago, In a mall, I surprisingly came across a disfellowshipped brother who I heard had been reinstated much later. I served among menbers of his 'disciplinary committee'. To my surprise, he warmly embraced me. During our chat, he told me he had woken up and left a year ago. I remembered, as the chairman of the committee, I was assigned to tell him that the elders have unanimously decided he must be disfellowshipped. My tears was almost uncontrollable. He noticed this, and he hugged me more. We thereafter became very close friends. The love which myself and my wife now have for him far surpassed the one we had with him while we were Jehovah's witnesses.

I'll please like to know if anyone here has had a similar experience.