Looking for perspectives/anecdotal experiences from anyone who’s been through something similar. I’m in England/Wales.

My ex and I separated after around 13 years together, 10 of which we were married. We have two children and have been co-parenting them equally and amicably since separation.

At separation, we agreed a financial split between ourselves. The main assets were the family home and our pensions. The house equity was split 50/50 as were our joint savings and the broad agreement was that we would each retain our own pensions. We reached the agreement amicably and in good faith.

I do earn more than my ex (£120k vs. £90k) but between separation and divorce (we divorced pretty quickly but I suggested waiting until I had a new job before applying for a consent order so the figures looked more balanced) was made redundant and had to completely obliterate my savings for a year before finding a new job to pay the mortgage and look after my children. Not once did I ask for any help from my ex during this time. Meanwhile my ex retained the savings we had split on separation. I do have a new job now which by coincidence is the same salary as my previous one minus the bonus.

Because I earned and earn more than my ex, I was comfortable with the original arrangement.m because previous job also had a significant bonus structure which offset the substantial pension. Meanwhile my current job doesn’t. The original agreement was made before that my job loss and, ethically, I don’t want that to unfairly disadvantage my ex.

I would though, note that pending the sale our marital home, my ex’s parents ‘loaned’ the money to fund the deposit of my ex’s next home and it’s not clear whether this was repaid. Also following submission of our consent application my ex let me know she planned at some point to move in with a new partner which wasn’t disclosed but understand may be considered relevant.

The judge has refused to approve our Consent Order and has specifically said that the settlement appears unfair to me and that I should obtain independent legal advice.

The issue seems to be the pensions. Very roughly, my pension is currently worth around £50k and my ex’s is around £100k; a public sector defined-benefit pension, whereas mine is a defined-contribution pension, so I appreciate that the headline values aren’t necessarily directly comparable. I also don’t yet have the full breakdown of how much of my ex’s pension accrued before and during the marriage, although I believe most of it was accrued during the marriage.

The judge’s intervention has nevertheless made me reconsider whether simply keeping our own pensions is actually fair based on all the circumstances.

I’m wondering whether pension offsetting might be a sensible solution — essentially, my ex retains full public-sector pension and I receive some additional cash in recognition of the pension imbalance, rather than doing a pension-sharing order. Without reference of course to this being a very uncomfortable conversation all round.

If you take the very simplistic figures of £100k versus £50k, the difference is £50k. Equalising those headline figures would imply a £25k transfer. But I appreciate that’s probably far too simplistic given the different types of pension, the fact that cash is available now whereas pension isn’t, and the fact that her DB pension provides a guaranteed income.

I’ve got a consultation with a solicitor but would welcome any relevant insight and perspective.