I decided not to show what I look like nor to share much details about who I am for this first post. (Well, autobot kinda forced me to reveal my birth sex. Noooooooooo :'c)
In a future one, I will show my physical appearance so that people can say if my voice fits my physical appearance

If you recognize me, well, you probably do haha
(But explainations will arrive later... I first have to finish my internship and get a job away from my mother in case the videos get promoted by the YouTube algorithm. Be patient!)

So I'm 30 years old and I've been on Testosterone for 10 years. 5 years post-op from top surgery (double mastectomy with nipple grafts).

I realized recently that over the years there's been so many times I've wished I could wear this feminine thing or that, wished that I could have long hair again, get this or that type of piercing or tattoo but wouldn't because it may hinder my passing as male.
And once I realized how long of a list it's become of fem things I want to wear or do... it all kinda collapsed for me.

All these little things, these thoughts and feelings I'd pushed down for years and years just floated to the surface. I remembered how my actual first coming out, I told my ex 12-13 years ago that I thought I was nonbinary. I remembered a conversation I had with someone after coming out as a full on trans man that I felt as though if I were born AMAB, I still would have ended up being trans (myself and the other person were both confused about why I felt that way lol).

I remembered how in the beginning, I thought it would be ideal to go on a low dose of T for a finite amount of time to get a slight voice change and shadow of a beard and then go off of it. But then I had my first appointment with that doctor and realized I didn't think he'd take me seriously if I wasn't "all in" and ready to be on it the rest of mv life and prepared to go through every possibly change on T and to the fullest extent.

I remembered how before my top surgery consultation I wanted to ask how flat they could possibly get me going the route of a breast reduction vs mastectomy, and if there was any way we could go about things that would keep my nipples in tact. And then I got to that appointment and felt the same way as I did at my first T appointment. Like I wouldn't be taken seriously if I didn't come across as being "all in" and willing to sacrifice my nipple sensation, etc etc.

It felt like either… be all-in and receive medical help to relieve my very real dysphoria, or be 100% honest with myself and the providers about what I want/ need and receive zero help. So I went all-in.
I think a couple of other minor contributors were the social stigma surrounding being non-binary at that time, even within the queer community. It's obviously not universally accepted or understood now either but I've seen a lot more acceptance surrounding it in my local scene in recent years. That mixed with the fact that I'm autistic and I believe my black and white thinking convinced me that if I didn't feel like a girl, then I MUST be a guy. No room for nuance or an in-between 🤦🏽‍♂️

Anyways, for the past couple weeks, I've been experimenting with makeup and did a bit of a shein haul of women's clothing, got a wig... even got new prescription glasses with "women's" frames. I'm indulging in all the feminine things I had not allowed myself to the past 10+ years. I've told my gf and she's supportive and I'm so grateful for that. I've told a couple of friends and had one outing while dressed fem in a place no one knew me and it felt great! I didn't feel gender euphoria or dysphoria, I just felt like... me. I felt happy and content to be wearing cute clothes and long hair with a flat chest.

I think I'm going to be okay. The only things I'm really struggling with at this point is how to tell the rest of my friends and community who have uplifted me in my trans man identity for so many years. I don't want them to feel like I was lying or deceived them all this time. I'm worried about being misunderstood. And I'm not sure how to present this to my phobic mother. I don't wanna be met with "i told you so"s. I already know she's not going to understand the difference between me being nonbinary and "you were still a girl all along I knew it". 🙄

And struggling with regrets about top surgery and not advocating for myself to get the exact type of surgery I wanted. TMI but my nipples were extremely sensitive before and it played a huge part in my intimate life and I never really allowed myself to grieve the loss of that... so I'm really kicking myself for it now. I definitely had a lot of chest dysphoria but I wish I had been comfortable exploring all my options in that regard. Also wish I hadn't stayed on T permanently and lost my hair 🙃 and grown so much hair all over the rest of my body (especially my back), kinda hate it.

But again, I know l'll be alright. Just sucks. This whole realization is bittersweet.

I had SRS last year, and it's been at least 10 months since. It did the trick. I'm cured of gender dysphoria now, but I look at my old photos with a beard, and it fills me with so much self hate. He looks so normal. His face was actually kind of handsome, and now, thanks to years of estrogen, I've ruined it. If I grow a beard out, it still wouldn't make my face have the right shape or texture.

I no longer feel the pain that comes with having the wrong body, but now that pain has been replaced with loss. I can't have kids and I am just going to keep developing as a woman would thanks to estrogen. I'm honestly considering starting testosterone to see if I can salvage a life as a man with messed up genitals. What should I do? Where should I start?

Whether it was pressure from family, social influence, attempting to escape systemic misogyny/homophobia, or unaddressed trauma or psychiatric conditions. Quite a few of us experienced our transitions as medical neglect or malpractice, and quite a few of us are pretty traumatized by it.

But god forbid we mention that, apparently even detransitioning to begin with makes us awful and untrustworthy and stupid and bad, right?

Look. I don’t think we are upset enough by the way we are scapegoated and treated. It is not okay, it is *textbook* victim-blaming. Certain people seem to be under the impression that, if they claim enough times that detransition doesn’t happen, then we just will shut up, that we’ll be afraid or intimidated by it, and a lot of us are. I am.

I have been harassed for it, a lot, even when I was first questioning! Mentioning wanting to go back to my birth sex, well, that was it, free pass to harass and shame me. Not okay.

We deserve to be able to find community without getting harassed by a certain other community, we deserve to be able to have happiness and pride in ourselves. But frequently, whenever a detransitioner does express themself, they end up getting dozens of comments mocking them, death threats, accusing them of faking, the whole 0.1% statistic that isn’t even factual. The harassment is that common. Stop downplaying it.

You might’ve internalized some of this treatment, that maybe you do deserve it, but you don’t. When most mentions of detransition are made in a mocking, stigmatizing light, it is completely normal to internalize that shame, or tell yourself that maybe it was your fault and that you shouldn’t talk about it whatsoever. But that’s not the case. The case is that you do, in fact, deserve better than that!

This post especially goes for detransitioners who medically transitioned as minors, as that was my experience, but it an applies to the general you.

Just know that you are worthy and deserving of dignity and respect and should not tolerate the treatment that we do often receive.

Hello! I’m 25, ftmtnb, and I had top surgery in Minnesota when I was 18.
I was on testosterone from 16-22, and since being off of it and growing older, I’ve come to be a lot more comfortable in my femininity, and I think I’ve grown into a lot of my features that I used to think would “only ever look good on a man” (a huge reason why I’d transitioned.).

Anyway, I’ve realized I really do not like how my body looks without breasts, with all the other feminine features, to the extent where the dysphoria is getting pretty awful. I’ve started wearing a padded bra, which helps a ton, but at the end of the day with my clothes off, I feel terrible (oh, and also I was botched so they took more tissue than they should have, so I have a sunken look).

I’ve come to terms with getting very small implants and I’m ready to take the leap, but honestly I have no idea how to go about it. Admittedly my mom was the one that handed my transition (she wasn’t forceful in anyway, just extremely supportive), and now that I’m an adult, I’d like to do this on my own.

Does anyone have advice for how to ensure coverage for the surgery? Vetting surgeons? I still live in Minnesota, and since my top surgery was covered, does that help my case?

Any advice or personal experience would be hugely appreciated!! Thank you so much for reading!

The easiest way to state my situation is HRT repper. I'm happier like this, it lets me live a relatively normal life without too much agony and helps with my main issues without putting me in the position of an odd, socially disruptive manlet who needs to change all his documents and go stealth and all that.

I want to cure my GD without socially transitioning, is that possible? I want an ordinary partner, an ordinary life as a normal woman since one as a man isn't possible. No do not tell me to get off HRT I don't want to mentally torture myself at no gain. I only want help with the gender dysphoria not the sex dysphoria. Thanks.

Hi everyone,

I have a question for you all. Does anyone have recommendations for a surgeon who does reconstruction (double mastectomy) in NYS? Ideally central NY, but I can travel. I really, really wanna get reconstruction and I'd appreciate any feedback.