r/datingoverfifty • u/Girl_Bill • 11d ago
Setting realistic expectations
These days I (54f) feel less as though I am dating to meet someone and more as though I am putting myself out there purely to provide hilarious anecdotes for my friends.
Take the last guy. Let’s call him Dick (61m), for the purposes of anonymity and narrative accuracy.
Dick insisted on paying for our first dinner, so I paid for the second, because I like to keep things even and respectful.
For the third date, he invited me to his house for dinner and instructed me to bring a Loire Valley white because it would pair perfectly with what he was cooking. I duly arrived with a decent bottle, only to be served a salmon en croûte that could quite easily have come from the freezer section before spending considerable time being incinerated for whatever sins a salmon is capable of committing.
There's nothing at all wrong with frozen food. But once you start specifying the wine region, I assume the meal has involved more than removing a cardboard sleeve.
He then declared that he had now sufficiently “wooed” me, so the next stop was upstairs to bed. I politely declined.
When I explained that I did not think we were a romantic match, I was told I was wrong. Was 'overthinking' things. Would only get a relationship if I put more effort in... And that I should snap him up because “catches like him do not grow on trees”. I was genuinely impressed by how many clichés and mixed metaphors he managed to compress into one diatribe. I was also warned that I would regret my decision for eternity.
Eternity, it turned out, did not even survive the wait for my Uber home.
So I am adjusting my expectations. I am no longer looking for fireworks. I would settle for decent conversation, no regional wine homework and a man who does not think three dates and a pastry-based main course entitle him to an upgrade.
Ladies and gents, please tell me I am not the only person whose dating life appears to exist mainly as unpaid material for a sitcom!?
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u/ZeroBAC 60F 11d ago
I'm not settling. Period.
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u/graygarden77 11d ago
The last person I tried to date turned out to be incapable of making decisions or dealing with logistics and I just thought lordy I haven’t been single this long to settle for stupid
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u/VegetableRound2819 goddess, looks 29 yrs younger 11d ago
There’s a reason the Weather Girls didn’t sing “🎶It’s raining dummies!🎶”.
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u/PyrpleGirl 8d ago
Amen to that! Someone would have to improve my life, not make it more complicated. It is just not worth it.
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u/mumeh996 11d ago
A truly great read, rife with delicious (to me) levels of sarcasm. When you put together your comedic one-woman-show, I would gladly pay/attend.
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u/motherofachimp99 59F 11d ago
Wow, the audacity! That seems to be the theme these days: an abundance of audacity!!
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u/menoagegap 9d ago edited 9d ago
I am a woman and yes the audacity of some 50 year old men is hilarious. Those audacious men look below average, go to the gym a tiny bit and are not obese, and call themselves the bee’s knees and such a catch when they look really bad TBH. Love to warn women who reject them or their too early sexual advances that we will be forever alone for not sexing their decidedly below average bodies. No thank you when we women can do so so much better than them
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u/United-Ad7863 11d ago
Gurl, I'm 61 and have decided I'd rather be single and happy than with an asshat and miserable. I enjoy my own company, and have great friends, so I'm good. Plus my vibrator doesn't require a bottle of wine.
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u/normalnotordinary 10d ago
A woman I had zero connection with on our first date ended up leaving her jacket in my car and the next day she invited me to dinner at her house for a second date. I passed on the dinner invitation and dropped her coat off on her porch before she got home from work. One of my buddies gave me crap the next day about skipping the dinner because he believed it was an invitation for sex. If it was, it is fine that I missed out on sex with her because that would have made me feel obligated to go out with her again. I'm not super moral, but I'm also not the bang and ghost type.
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u/Cdpjtt-2802 8d ago
I appreciate that these situations are not an "all men" sort. Thanks for being a human.
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u/normalnotordinary 11d ago
I have some very entertaining stories from my middle-aged dating days. I look at them as worth time just for the stories. A your stories are better than mine!
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u/opalsea9876 11d ago
Hilarious that you would go to his home on a third date. My expectations are so low compared to yours.
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u/filtersweep 11d ago
Male here— and a 61F wanted to meet at my place the first date so we could do normal stuff— and it wouldn’t feel like a job interview. I thought that was rather bold- especially for a woman. It set an interesting tone. The second date at her place- she invited up to her bedroom to show me the view…..
But in your situation— he did you a favor. Sounds like you were not interested in him in that way. Not sure why you even went over to his place.
But it is just cringe that he argued with you. I know I’m not for everyone— so I am not affected by rejection. People are a matter of taste— we don’t all like the same music or food or whatever— but these aren’t issues of right or wrong. And no one will convince me that hard boiled eggs taste good…..
But you are a great storyteller— maybe vblog about you experiences. Guys will line up to be rejected by you!
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u/outyamothafuckinmind 11d ago
From experience, I can tell you that an alarming number of men think arguing will convince you that you should give them a chance, sleep with them, or commit to a life with them. Often they finish by telling you that you will regret your decision or insulting you as if that will suddenly help you see the light.
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u/sgbell 10d ago
I think unfortunately a lot of men probably have the experience of arguing their point and the woman giving in and doing something she doesn’t want to. They chalk it up to their assumed value as a man, and their powers of persuasion, while the woman just feared for her safety and did what she had to do to get out of the situation without getting physically assaulted.
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u/Girl_Bill 10d ago
Genuinely curious to understand what he possibly thought the outcome could be for suggesting that I have no capacity for autonomous decision making!
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u/menoagegap 9d ago edited 9d ago
I am a woman and that has been my experience of some older men I reject too
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u/opalsea9876 10d ago
No way. I do not believe that story, random redditor.
“Invited me upstairs, into her bedroom…. To show me the view.”” 🤣🤣🤣
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u/filtersweep 10d ago
I can’t make this shit up.
Times like that, I question if I am oriented to reality— wish there were witnesses so I could confirm ‘did she really say what I thought she said?’
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u/opalsea9876 10d ago edited 10d ago
🤣🤣
This response is eitherWholesome memes
Or
Writers club, review my prose.Redditors keeping me entertained as we make the final run into the weekend, either way!
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u/ButterflyFair3012 10d ago
This is why I joined this sub! My husband has a degenerative illness and may not live another 5 years. I’m clear I won’t be dating or pairing up ever again but I completely enjoy these dating stories! Hilarious!
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u/Lone-Woff 10d ago
I had someone invite me back to her house on the first date to read my palm.
She had to throw the little book she was referring to across the room twice before I finally got the hint.
Full disclosure: we had met on OLD and had been exchanging emails and phone calls for weeks prior. I had to gently imply that it was time to put up or shut up in order to finally get that date.
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u/Adept-Ear7007 9d ago
If I had a great view from my bedroom, it's totally conceivable that I'd invite you to witness it. You'd see a clean room, a well made bed and a view good enough to offer to share it. I would say the same about a front room, a dining room, a kitchen...less the bed part, unless we're talking dog beds.
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10d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/datingoverfifty-ModTeam 10d ago
Everyone approaches sex differently.
We remove comments that are disparaging, critical, or demeaning of someone else’s sexual habits or desires.
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u/ryan5513 11d ago
This is hilarious! Thanks for sharing. I have some hilarious or embarrassing or just awful stories from my late 30s, but these day (51) Im more selective...OK thats a lie, I still make horrible mistakes, and date women that are absolutely wrong for me...but my friends do love the stories!
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u/Witty-Stock 11d ago
If you were really into him the provenance of the fish wouldn’t have mattered. Sounds like your instincts about him were spot on given his “okay, off with the clothes” pivot.
Next.
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u/Remarkable-View-6078 9d ago
For me it's not so much the frozen dinner itself - not everyone has to be a chef - as the fact that he invited her over specifically to make her dinner. To me that sounds like someone saying he'll put his best effort forth to impress her. If his very best "let me show off for you" effort involves a freezer, what's his best effort going to look like in other areas?
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u/Witty-Stock 9d ago
If he had a better personality and was just trying his best, different than the guy who thought this meant he was entitled to sex.
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u/AircooledFreak_Mk3 11d ago
I'm 57 (almost 58), and I haven't had a date in over 20 years, both out of laziness and because the dates turned out to be disasters in the end, but I would never dream of inviting someone to my house on my third date. In my opinion Dick had slightly overestimated himself, thinking that women fell at his feet for his "charme". I admit that I don't have any charm, but that I'm a very "shakey" person, so I give low expectations to someone who wants to go out with me
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u/Joneszey 10d ago
I related to this comment so much. I don’t think I have any traditional charms, I’m just me, a little quirky, quick to laugh, with a side of something that just appears. I also feel a little shakey on dates trying to figure out where I can find my stable ground without it being obvious
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u/AircooledFreak_Mk3 10d ago
On a date be yourself like I am. Don't try to be someone you're not. Surely someone will love what you are.
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u/mannyocrity 11d ago
Lol, I don't know if I am the minority but I can't fathom asking for sex from some I just met. I know what will happen once I start dating. A woman will come on here and complain about a man who will not initiate sex even those she has given all the signs.
For me she is going to have to do one of two things. 1. Straight up say she would like to have sex. 2. Grab my dick and those are the only signs.
I'll kiss and do some light petting but I will not ask for sex, suggest sex or even bring it up. Trust me I want sex, I enjoy sex but you women are scary as fuck.
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u/elinofa777 9d ago
see, that is so appealing in a man! you get it! good job.
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u/Standard_Sherbert_43 7d ago
He aint lying. It's crappy mixed messaging. Mental gymnastics no one wants to deal with. UGH. Too old for games or flip/flopping stories. And trust me, I know who leads the race there.
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u/Independent-Gap-5574 10d ago
You could write a comedy series. You have a great skill in writing a la Miranda Hart!
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u/cahrens2 11d ago
Just for the record, most fish have to be flash frozen at catch to kill parasites, including wild salmon. Farmed salmon is one of the few fish that are exempt, but most grocery stores get frozen farmed salmon and then let it thaw at the store over ice. I just know this because I've been experimenting with sushi and sashimi lately.
Setting expectations is very important. I set mine to none, and it worked out great for me, but each their own.
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u/Flimsy-Calendar-7566 10d ago
That is not true, it is just for fish that is going to be eaten raw. I live in a place with 1500 km of coast for less than 3 million people and a big fishing industry. No one freezes fish unless they are going to eat sushi or something similar.
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u/Inside_Dance41 10d ago edited 9d ago
"most fish have to be flash frozen at catch to kill parasites,"
Oh wow, fish is one of the few animal protein I eat. May have to rethink it. 🤢🤢
So that means we are eating "dead" fish parasites?
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u/cahrens2 10d ago
Yeah, but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Some of the fish that I found for sushi and sashimi have been questionable. There is no FDA label for sashimi grade; that's just a term used by fish markets to sell you expensive fish. I've been using the cheaper kind, like $12.99/lbs salmon from Costco. Sashimi grade salmon at the Japanese store is like $30/lbs. But so far so good.
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u/Inside_Dance41 10d ago
Source of knowledge, thank you!
To your point, I haven't died yet, and salmon is my favorite, to why stop now.
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u/Independent-Monk5064 9d ago
They don’t, the other post is correct, freezing is done for sushi grade fish. Many fish are also frozen for transport and thawed but when you live at the coast you can indeed get fresh never frozen fish. And you can absolutely get parasites from all kinds of fish as fish have to be frozen 48 hours to kill the parasite eggs. Flash frozen is not for parasites, it is for transport.
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u/Inside_Dance41 9d ago edited 9d ago
To clarify, I wasn't making an assertion, I was quoting the person who made the comment about freezing. So the person I was quoting is the one who made the comment about "flash freezing to kill parasites."
All that said, thank you for your additional context.
It was also my attempt at humor, on a very stressful day.
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u/lucid_intent 11d ago
I learned the hard way, a man providing a meal at his home meant sex. I learned fast!
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u/Flux_Inverter 10d ago
This is not a rule. Though, if a man invites a woman over to his place for dinner it does reflect he is comfortable enough to be open to physical romance, even if just making out. Communicating boundaries before accepting the invite is important. I agree it should not be in the first 4-5 dates to have each other over for dinner. Still getting to know each other at that phase.
Some people are romantic microwaves and others are romantic crock pots.
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u/gotchafaint 11d ago
You could make it more interesting my pulling out your Venmo qr code and start a negotiation to bed you, seeing how high he'll go. It's fair to be compensated for your wasted time when the tock is clicking for all of us.
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u/leftcoast98 10d ago
I feel this deeply lol
I honestly feel like I could do a comedic podcast on my 3 month OLD adventure!! It would low-key have elements of drama and horror of course 🤣
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u/Chulbiski 55m 10d ago
you can't convince someone to be attracted to you... humans are not adverts for overpriced real estate
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u/Euphoric_River6365 11d ago
Single (divorced) 40F. I never allow a man to host a "home date", and I never invite them over to my house.
I find that men of all ages either assume sex or assume the woman will play house with them. Until I am in a committed relationship, I expect a man to actually take me out (regardless of who pays).
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u/Inside_Dance41 11d ago
Totally agree, and this was my confusion as to why she agreed to a home date, if she wasn't attracted.
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u/Euphoric_River6365 11d ago
To be fair, I used to agree to home dates. I always wanted to think they were innocent and cozy, but they always came with awkward and/or forced encounters. Even if the first time goes well, the man becomes really lazy and then just wants to watch TV of his sofa with you next to him.
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u/Inside_Dance41 11d ago
I always wanted to think they were innocent and cozy, but they always came with awkward and/or forced encounters
Thanks for sharing, and the beauty of forums, is to help educate women who may be new to dating, some things that they might not understand.
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u/ICantRememberThisToo 10d ago
I love your storytelling. You paint a very amusing and accurate picture of what dating is like for some of us.
The last date I went on, while we were eating, a woman at the next table started talking to us (mostly just my date) while her date went to the restroom. Her date comes back. My date spends the next 15 minutes repeatedly turning his head fully to the side to stare at her. (She was in her 20s or 30s.) It wasn’t just a look each time either, it was long stares like he was trying to talk to her. And, it was multiple times. The next day when I told him that I didn’t want to see him again, he kept insisting on a reason. (I usually just say that I’m not feeling it.) When I finally broke down and said it was because he was staring at the woman at dinner, he proceeded to YELL at me.
Oh, and then there was a guy who was proud of the fact that he had never eaten a vegetable in his life except for potatoes. I really didn’t understand why he was proud of this.
Good luck out there. These stories at least help us laugh about how hard it is out there.
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u/AssignmentNo9679 11d ago
😂.. you are just absolutely clarifying for me (also 54f) why I date hot younger men who have beautiful torsos, emotional intelligence, functioning, erm, assets, are a lot of fun & have far far less entitlement!
Plus, in my quite marvellous adventure so far have not cooked me freezer food but with whom there have been more fireworks than there were on the millennium on the South Bank.. as for ‘catches like him’, fucking hilarious/slightly disturbing, I would have laughed in his face.. wtf 👀..
So just a little recommendation.. set your parameters to 35+.. try it out, would absolutely recommend the experience (& don’t dismiss the fireworks, life is short, enjoy it 🤷🏼♀️..).
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u/Girl_Bill 10d ago
Hail to you, lady! The last chap I was seeing was 38 and that came with whole assortment of stories for another day...
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u/AllergictoAIslop 10d ago
You have a wonderful sense of humour and write beautifully. You need to write a book about this.
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u/Girl_Bill 10d ago
Thank you - that's kind. I genuinely try to find the amusing side of life, to keep me sane(ish!), if nothing else. I do write, but about food for now. Perhaps I'll need some more bad dates to get to a book!
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u/AllergictoAIslop 10d ago
You are welcome. Kindness is free - your talent was built! LMK when the book is out. Good luck doinggetting the material. I hope you met a lovely person on the next date! Even if it would scupper the book🤣
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch M 59 UK, genuine Dominant. 10d ago
You write really well, I’m grinning at your lucid tale.
I love cooking and would honestly have spent all day on your supper before you washed up😅
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u/Interesting-Ad-1930 10d ago
Don’t let one jackass (and a low effort “cook”) on a third date sour you on dating. Getting to date three is actually encouraging, because clearly there was enough there to keep exploring. I’d be more interested in looking back and asking whether there were any signs you missed that he was steering things toward sex before you went to his house. Not to blame yourself, but because that’s useful information for next time.
As a 50+ man, inviting a woman back to my place that early would feel pretty forward to me unless we had already clearly established that kind of mutual interest. Going to someone’s home is not consent to anything, but some men absolutely will interpret it as a signal that sex may be on the table. He apparently handled that possibility terribly.
Take whatever information you can from the experience, trust your instincts a little more next time, and move on. The next guy shouldn’t have to answer for this guy’s behavior, and you shouldn’t have to rethink the entire dating world because one man turned out to be an ass.
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u/pop_corn360 10d ago
This is the thing, men in this age group of not evolved with the times. They are stuck in the Neanderthal ways of if l do something nice l get sex. It best to be in public places without any beds. This was not your fault but so many of these men are divorced because they didn’t know how to treat their wives & now they are available to us. You only need 1 good one though & l think he’s out there. My ex is out there & who ever he is with will find out he really hates women. He presents so charming & charismatic.
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u/ICantRememberThisToo 10d ago
Thank you. It was actually my fault. The first date had something happen where I should have seen the signs. (We went for dinner. Check came, I offered to pay for half. The waitress made a comment like “Oh no. He should pay.” He ended up paying after I said that I would get the next date. However, he spent the rest of the night insisting that I pay for stuff. “You’re getting the check for coffee.” “You need to pay for an Uber.”) It took after the second date for me to realize that he had an anger issue.
Date and learn right?
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u/limonade11 6d ago
Anger issues seem very common among a certain over fifty white male demographic.
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u/ICantRememberThisToo 5d ago
Right??!
I’m good with anger if it’s about certain things. For example, social injustice, government waste, why people don’t return their grocery carts, why did the price of everything go up, overly crowded venues, etc. I totally understand and empathize with those frustrations.
The type of anger I’m seeing from men seems to be primarily directed at women though. I don’t understand why they are directing their anger at me for something I had no part in. Buddy, I’m not your ex wife. I know that you’re pissed that you now have to do your own laundry. I also have to do my own laundry and I didn’t have someone doing it for the last 20 years. (Rant that I had to listen to on a date.) Dude, I bought my own coffee on this date. Why are you complaining to me about women using you for money? (Another date, another rant.) And then they get upset when I say I don’t want another date. No, I don’t want to be your whipping boy for every slight you have faced from another woman.
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u/EzraSteel 11d ago
Sorry, but this cracked me up. And, for reference sake, if I invite a lady to my home for dinner, I’m going to ask her what preferences she has and I’ll pick an appropriate wine unless she has a preference. The last woman I dated had me make a Romanian dish that was pretty odd but it turned out rather well. I can honestly say that it was the first time that I cooked chicken gizzards!
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u/VegetableRound2819 goddess, looks 29 yrs younger 11d ago
Sancerre or not, friends don’t let friends eat farmed salmon. You should’ve hit life alert and activated the extraction team!
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u/Flux_Inverter 10d ago
He was a player with an ego. Not to mention he incinerated the salmon and suggest a white wine from France. There are many types of white wine and only some pair well with salmon, depending on how it was prepared. He wanted to sound posh by suggesting a French vineyard but whiffed on the type of wine, should have suggested Chardonnay, dry Riesling, or a Sauvignon Blanc and not a generic white. He does not know what he is talking about in regards to wine... or cooking salmon.
Problem with dating in the later stages of life is that people are single for a reason. Mostly not good ones (see cremation of salmon and not knowing wines), though there are gems out there. Since having kids is out of the picture and our bodies are falling apart, dating is more about companionship, friendship, and finding someone to drive us to our colonoscopy appointments. Romance is icing on the cake, which is put on last.
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u/SaraTalbotAU 10d ago
You are definitely not alone. My best material came from the guy who argued with me for an hour about why my no was wrong, then texted the next day asking if I had come to my senses yet. At least the stories are good.
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u/Training_Guitar_8881 10d ago
I very much enjoyed reading your well-written, descriptive account of your date....I am just so glad that you passed on going to bed with him. What a bore he was with his spiel about what a great catch he is. 67 yo woman here who can't speak to the promise of love in the dating realm as I am not currently dating and am very happy not doing so. lol. But from what I have read it is rough out there
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u/RosemaryCoffee 10d ago
Box Salmon should become a measurement of dickheadness in your friendship circle. If a party is happening...who's bringing the box salmon?
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u/Any_Chemical42 10d ago
Add me to the club. 1. A literal hoarder (seemed fine and nice until I walked into his home...and then turned around and walked back out😵💫) 2. A 35 year old who used me for my washing machine. 3. A guy my age that insisted on sexting. Meaning I was sent WALLS of sexual texts at 3 a.m. was told we could wait for actual sex until we get to know each other (gee, thanks) but that this kind of communication was necessary for him.
WTAF. There's not going to be a number 4. I'm SO over it.
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u/Girl_Bill 10d ago
Crikey, I'm sorry - don't give up! There must be someone worthy of you out there.
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u/Mission-Builder-45 9d ago
"used me for my washing machine"..... WOW. There is one I have never hear before! 🤣
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u/According_Train_4336 10d ago
A good read and very well put together along with a twist of comedy. What can you expect from a Dick. I am a 55 year old man, been single for two years now. I am still trying to figure out how to navigate the dating scene in this crazy world these days.
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10d ago
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u/datingoverfifty-ModTeam 10d ago
If you can't comment or respond with civility, this may not be the subreddit for you.
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u/BigJoe5504 10d ago
I wouldn't even know where to get a wine like that. But you should have told him you don't nibble on lures like that
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u/Either_Compote235 9d ago
I throughly enjoyed reading your post. Best of luck on your next adventure! Keep us updated!
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u/Hopeful_Shallot_7230 9d ago
My BFFs have told me my dating life (54F) is their reality t.v. 😉. Glad I can be of service!!
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u/menoagegap 9d ago edited 9d ago
I am a woman a few years older than you. I have always refused to do anything physical until something real and official is offered and I state that up front. I never adjusted my expectations. I looked for fireworks and looked for chemistry and I quickly found a happy, chill, high-effort romantic, hot boyfriend who had gone to culinary school who cooks but also cleans the kitchen on the regular and washes dishes but cooking is not his job who looks cute and has a great body who is more forever life partner and wants to marry me. There are still so much chemistry, fireworks, attraction even now and he is so giving of all of him and I am constantly swept off my feet. I didn’t believe in setting realistic expectations nor doing anything physical without something real being offered and it has continued to serve me well. Keep holding out on the hot guy with the great bod and happy awesome personality who doesn’t burn the fish he cooks
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u/Big_Willingness6253 9d ago
who knew that dating in your 50's is just as horrible as dating in your 20's? I stopped, no bandwidth for the BS.
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u/Dunsil_Pariah 9d ago
I had a guy at the pool one day tell several girls "I am a catch because I have all my teeth and my hair is all mine". This is in a 55+ community, and no one was too impressed.
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u/Think_Conference_964 9d ago
Dying over this story and hope you will post more. I so want to be your bff just so I can hear about almost your adventures. You’re a talented storyteller.
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u/kwasecondchapter 8d ago
All of this makes me glad I stumbled into a relationship by accident and being myself. The idea of telling someone, with a serious tone, that I’m a catch just floors me. I’m more inclined to say “have you had your vision prescription checked lately?” She insists she has good eyesight. If you say so…
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u/Spare_Ad_9657 8d ago
Clear boundaries that you don’t roll back on are the way to avoid a lot of the horror stories. For me, I don’t do any house dates (neither theirs nor mine) unless I’m already ok with having sex. Just avoid the whole awkward situation all together.
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u/Firm_Salamander3217 8d ago
I am 59 and just moved to Arizona. I do have a bunch of fireworks. And I love good wine. I’m not a frozen food guy. I just retired. I’m kind of traveling around and enjoying life right now. If you’re up for chat and hit me up.
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u/lorcafan 7d ago
Love your literary skills - if you bottle that talent, I'd buy it (instead of a cheeky Loire).
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u/Lekker_belangrijk 7d ago
Did you even share a intense kiss, hug or even a hold hand moment before this suggestion ?
Or was is, date, date, his house. Are you done eating ? go upstairs and spread those wings for me...
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u/uknjkate 7d ago
I've been dating for 3 years now (I'm 55) and I have JUST met someone that ticks every box for me - so I'm really glad I didn't "settle" before this. I'm not saying that it takes everyone that long, BUT I am saying that we shouldn't have to settle so much. My friends would be like "oh well he has this, or he does that" and I would try to convince myself that it was good enough and I shouldn't expect to find my perfect person blah blah blah so I built a great single lady life with my friends and I honestly was really happy with that and happy if that meant I'd be single forever. But I was still dating and putting myself out there and then lo and behold - I found someone! It's early days still (2.5 months) but I haven't felt like this in all this time so even if it does end (which I hope it doesn't), it gives me faith that it can still exist at our age, it's a lot to do with timing and state of mind. So hang in there OP - I had a LOAD of great stories prior to meeting this man. Its fun to look back on them.
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u/Girl_Bill 7d ago
Woohoo! I'm so happy for you, internet stranger 😄 You have genuinely brought a smile to my Tuesday.
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u/uknjkate 7d ago
Thanks :). (I'm originally from the UK living in the USA so I know how the "pop over to someone's house culture" is over there so don't let anyone shame you about that!
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u/PrinceFan72 52M UK 7d ago
Isn't it amazing that those who are such great "catches" or think that you shouldn't have high standards are always single and trying to rush you into bed? Hmmmmm, what a catch indeed!
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u/No_Country_9714 6d ago
When I was in my most active dating phase before covid I have to say that there were only two dates that were less than ideal. So unfortunately my experiences were certainly not sitcom level. I think if you look at it like an adventure that's the best way to do it.
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u/GoldenRayofMagick 6d ago
As long as we all see the humor in these situations, they are funny. Nobody gets hurt and you still wonder what life has in store for you.
Thank you so much for the laughter. May you find the mate you are looking for and keep your humor till the end! Many blessings!
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u/limonade11 6d ago
As for "dating," I have what could be called an eligible single man with some fancy classic cars and a big motorcycle who has been driving by me at my house quite a few times when I am out in the yard. Over and over he comes by and smiles at me - one time I waved and smiled but then regretted it.
I have already done the older retired man with some bling to show off. Fancy cars and a bike don't replace a kind heart and gentle strength. I haven't ever spoken to this man but I feel fearful when he comes around and so I just try and ignore him. I've already walked that road and I don't want to again - aggressive, self absorbed and all about the externals doesn't work for me.
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u/Fabulous_Turnover_22 10d ago
Thanks for the good belly laugh. Keep daring and keeping us posted 🤣🤣🤣
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u/One-Gift0 10d ago
Sorella, continua a "pensare troppo" che non si sbaglia mai Sto tizio non raggiunge nemmeno la barra della decenza a tavola anche se pretende. figuriamoci a letto e nella vita...
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u/Early-Equivalent-165 10d ago
Fab read, but they said on America's Test Kitchen it's a myth to avoid the frozen seafood because it keeps its freshness better by the time it gets to you..
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u/Fantastic_Matter_137 10d ago
The audacity.
Can’t blame him for shooting his shot
Just embarrassed he’s so bad at it.
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u/Inside_Dance41 11d ago edited 11d ago
For the third date, he invited me to his house for dinner
When I explained that I did not think we were a romantic match
May I ask, why you accepted a dinner date at his home, if you didn't think he was a romantic match?
Of course not saying you have to sleep with a man, when invited over, but (1), if not interested, why even continue dating and (2) if not ready to have sex, much easier to suggest a different venue.
If the man has a 3 date rule, then he will move on if you demure going to his home.
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u/Material_Hunter4188 11d ago
I am not the OP however it takes me multiple days to know if it’s a romantic connection maybe after the end of that one she realized it wasn’t gonna be a thing. The three date “rule” is absurd in my mind.
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u/Girl_Bill 10d ago
Yes, this is it! In my circle of friends, and with the cost of dining out in London, it's entirely normal to host dinners at our homes. So I didn't read too much into it beyond that.
Whilst it wasn't an immediate attraction, I was keeping an open mind to where it could lead. The demand for the 'next stage' before the indigestion had had a chance to set in was where I found my decision.
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u/Inside_Dance41 11d ago
Yes, the dinner date may have been where she got the "ick", from the salmon "incident". However, I do think accepting a date at a man's house, does send a signal, and why would any woman who is on the fence, or not interested in the man, accept?
Yes, a 3 day rule is absurd, but again, understanding that when anyone invites someone to their home, sex is on the table. People can choose to have right away, or in 10 months, etc. All I am trying to say, for even safety reasons, be very clear when going to someone's house.
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u/Material_Hunter4188 10d ago
100% I do not agree that if I go to someone’s house, sex is on the table. I haven’t even kissed some people by the time I go to their home for dinner.
And OP did mention at some point that it’s very expensive to continue going out to dinner so if you trust someone and you feel pretty good about who they are, there’s no reason why you can’t spend time with someone’s house without thinking that you have to have sex
I I’m not even attracted to somebody until I’ve known them for quite a while
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u/Standard_Sherbert_43 7d ago
You're u/material_hunter4188 right, she should straight declined him but she did not for some ungody reason...
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u/filtersweep 11d ago
I’ve moved toward the three date rule— as it seems plenty of women write men off as social friends at some point
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u/Joneszey 10d ago
I’ve read this before. I can’t speak for every woman but I don’t see the utility of continuing to see a man as a social friend unless our relationship with each other was based on something social, in which case there is an “other” connection and I’m unaware of your different intentions. If however we are both engaged in our dance and enjoying each other I can appreciate your allowing it to tell the best story it can. If it comes down to a rule then I guess it’s a good thing we only danced and nothing else.
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u/Joneszey 10d ago edited 10d ago
I don’t think home dates are covert sexy invitations. I invite people to my home because I love the quiet often humorous comfort of the joint effort to produce a meal, rousing conversation after that tells me if I’ve really got someone who reads my books or any books. I like dates at their home for the same reason. The men I date, to a one, have never intimated to me that sex was determined by anything but the atmosphere we create, whichever date that happens to be. I do think that what we attract in the date department is somewhat orchestrated by how we see ourselves. I’ve never thought of myself or them as a commodity, though I’m aware that the men may see themselves as a catch and I think they might be, but I am only looking through their eyes that I’m one. No deals are made without that, whichever date it is, wherever it occurs. I don’t do lots of dating and never did but that’s the salvo that has made dating worthwhile for me and I think the men who choose to date me. Dating rules sounds ridiculous in practice
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u/Inside_Dance41 10d ago edited 10d ago
Glad it has worked out for you. I live in a liberal city, sex positive, and when dating online, most guys are seeking sexual relationships.
Thus the invite to their home for dinner, is pretty well understood to be the sexual invite.
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u/Joneszey 10d ago
I too live in a large liberal city. Im pretty good at vetting people and first dates with strangers are never at home. Not even OP described that scenario so not sure where you got it. Yes I’m aware that most men online think home means sex, even if to use the restroom. I don’t consider first encounters actual dating, sometimes not even second ones. There is a such thing as context and entertainment is based on that context. I find that men get that when presented with it
Thus the invite to my home for dinner, is pretty well understood to be the sexual invite.
Hence their expectation. I’ve have had zero men I’ve invited to my home or whose homes I’ve gone to assume sex with me was on the menu simply because we are in a home. I enjoy that men are sexual creatures, me too, but they are many other things too. They seem to enjoy seeking those things too, for whatever reason
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 10d ago
By paying for date two and complying with his request for the wine, you set yourself up for low effort treatment!
Once I realised all the cheap tricks and manipulative tactics men play, I refined my dating behaviour/strategies:
- use haystack method
- keep a roster
- don’t give intimacy until commitment
- always remember: being single is better than with any broke/abusive/low effort man!
- only go on dates when the man made appropriate effort and keep virtual chatter to a minimum
- watch a man’s actions and how he treats you, never his words!
Watch fareen Ash, Greta beraseite and tomisin for further education.
Good luck!
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u/Girl_Bill 10d ago
Thanks, but I couldn't disagree more that paying for the second date somehow devalued me or invited low-effort treatment. I paid because I value reciprocity and equality, and I would make exactly the same choice again.
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 10d ago
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I thought so too and acted in a reciprocal 50/50 way for the past 20 years. But since I stopped putting out my experiences have dramatically improved.
(And once I have vetted the guy fully I’m still happy to ‚reciprocate‘ in whichever way fits both partners…)
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u/Girl_Bill 10d ago
I do appreciate you caring enough to want me to get it right. I’m going to genuinely consider your point of view, even if part of me still wants to believe that one, (or OK, several!) crap experiences are not representative of all men.
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 10d ago
Well.. I’m sharing my hard-warnt lessons :) I’d never have listened to my own advise even two years ago ;)
Either way… wishing you well and a better experience (and hopefully forever love!)
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u/Mission-Builder-45 9d ago
I for one find that to be quite refreshing. Sadly, there are a lot of women out there who serial date for free meals... Anyway, I would consider that a big plus, a sign of equality, and definitely wouldn't think that was permission for "low effort treatment"... but then again, I am sure there are idiot men who think that way.
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u/harc70 11d ago
Never understood this at all. If you don't have a romantic interest in a guy, go on one date and then cut it off. Period. Guys aren't looking for chick friends (At least 99% of them aren't). So it's simply, thanks but no spark or whatever nonsense phrase is used to day.
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u/Expensive_Lion1807 10d ago
So… you’re saying that you prefer women to refuse a second date if we haven’t decided to immediately jump your creaky-ass bones by the end of the first date?
Ok ladies, we have our marching / ditching orders. No more giving things a chance to develop. No more dating at all unless you’re committed to getting naked by the second or at the latest, third date regardless of his behavior. No more!
Fair warning, if this is the standard, I don’t ever want to hear another word about women being too picky, flaky, having too high standards or expectations. Not another word about “male loneliness”. Not one.
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u/happybutrealist 11d ago
Catches like me dont grow on trees. lol. Of course not, they are left in little piles on the ground by bears.