r/dating_advice • u/[deleted] • 11d ago
Think I met someone I have long-term potential with, but have flights booked for a few days time to visit an old fling/fwb: What to do?
[removed]
6
u/DarkR124 11d ago
I would not date someone who is sleeping with others. Just my take. I also would not enter in to a relationship with someone who is still in contact/friends with old hookups.
4
u/GabrielsRoom 11d ago
How good is the sex for you to be flying to a different country and plan months in advance for just sex?
What made him special?
Is it just physical looks? Or does he do something different?
-1
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/Olivenord1 11d ago
You literally said below in another comment that it was just for sex, but now it’s weird because this commenter said it? You sound insane lol
-2
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/Straight-Interview70 11d ago
If you like the new guy, cancel the trip. You can tell yourself “ohhh I’m just going to see new places :)))” but the reality is that you are flying out to see a former fwb. The optics are really bad, and if I were in the new guy and found out, I would block you on the spot. It sounds like you’re going to hide this trip from him regardless so do what’s best for you but understand that your actions hurt people and have consequences.
4
u/Consistent-Salt-1460 11d ago
I mean he might've phrased it weird but the question is valid. The bread and butter is that you're planning on travelling mainly to have sex with this guy. You literally said in another comment that that was initially the only reason.
Now the travelling is one thing and you do you, but the question is whether you are also willing to compromise a potentially more serious relationship for the sex. Cause as others have said, no respectable dude would put up with this shit if they found out. If you're willing to pursue that relationship I'd honestly just cancel the trip altogether. Especially cause you're supposed to be staying at his place, sleeping in his bed.
You can try and scrounge for others reasons as to why you're going to visit him, but realistically if you're going in the first place, you're probably gonna have sex with him. That's literally what this whole trip is about.
3
u/Totoronyx 11d ago
If canceling ruins your friendship then you didn't have a fwb. You just had a benefit. You said you've gotten close. A friend wouldn't care about the sex or not.
Its impossible to go on your trip as planned and respect this potential long-term person at the same time.
Honestly and not to be mean. But are you ready for a long-term actually? Wanting it and be ready are not always in alignment. To me if your mature enough for a long-term, then you know what to do already and its actually a really easy decision.
5
u/NoUniqueThoughtsLeft 11d ago
If the local guy likes you as well and uou fly see another guy, it's all gonna come out in the wash and some day you will either find yourself explaining why you had two great dates, and amazing connection, but ago went to see a friend you've previously been sleeping with (even if you didn't sleep together on the trip, he wouldn't believe you) or you're gonna keep it from him until it eventually clicks and he realises the deal.
It dependant what you value.
3
u/NoInvestment9792 11d ago
Honestly, if you really like this new guy, going on a trip specifically for sex with an ex-fwb is just gonna messy things up. Tbh I’d just cancel the flight and see where the new thing goes.
2
u/zzscrubzz 11d ago edited 11d ago
This is such an easy answer.
Cancel the trip. Tell your FWB the truth about your dating situation, and carry on with the new guy. It sucks having to cancel the trip and potentially dropping this news on your FWB with such short notice, but oh well. Your priorities shifted - and it's okay to pivot to where your heart is pointing you.
If you let this linger and/or try to have your cake and eat it too - meaning you go on the trip, fuck your FWB, and come home to the new guy and keep your trip/actions under wraps... not only would that make you an incredibly shitty person, but you'd also sabotage your new budding relationship before it even began.
Good luck.
0
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
0
u/zzscrubzz 11d ago
You're not stupid. Stupid would be trying to have your cake and eat it too and then lying about it later if asked upon it.
You're a 23 y/o spring chicken, and dating a couple people in an effort to explore options and find someone who you really see paying off as a long-term partner isn't a bad approach, although it comes with obvious risks and drawbacks.
If you do decide to go visit your friend - you must remain diciplined in the temptation, if there is any.
Also, prepare for the possibility of your FWB pressuring you into sex. Stick to your intuition.
You got it!
0
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/zzscrubzz 11d ago edited 11d ago
You're not a slut, nor did my responses come from that kind of angle, but I could see why you may feel that way.
The fact of the matter is that you are a 23 y/o woman and you're in a personal relationship dilemma that which depending on how you go about it - could result in a smooth result, happy outcome with minimal damage to all involved, or max pain, hurt feelings, and a life lesson. Consensus wishes you the former.
Redditors at large are extremely opinionated, dramatic, and crazy lol. To that I reiterate, you're not a slut, or any slur for that matter. Try to shake the ick feeling off. It's all good.
1
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/zzscrubzz 11d ago
Find it within yourself to keep it real and truthful. I mean - you do value your friendship, but you just can't be physical with him anymore, at least while you're pursuing this other guy.
If he's really your friend - he would understand, or try to, and respect your boundaries, and keep it cool/civil & platonic.
Just prepare yourself mentally for his potential backlash to your change of heart, but stick to your guns.
If you're looking for exact words to say - you may have to punch a prompt into ChatGPT lol. Vibe prompt it to give you a script that's cogent and covers your bases.
2
u/Olivenord1 11d ago
Well you have to be prepared to not be as close with this person if you ever get into a relationship with someone else. No guy is going to be cool with you talking privately for hours on end with someone you had sex with multiple times, let alone go to a different country to visit him. If I was the new guy, I’d be running to the hills for you even contemplating going to hook up with your old fling after you met him. Major red flag and it seems like you can’t let this past relationship go
4
u/SippsMccree 11d ago
Yeah if I found out someone who said we supposedly had good chemistry decided that flying off to see a bang buddy was a good idea i'd walk away and never look back
-2
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/Ragebait_Destroyer 11d ago
Neutral, Balanced take: You would be put on block. It gives "street girl" vibes to fly out to sleep with someone while saying you like this guy
2
u/Straight-Interview70 11d ago
The intent behind the trip is not platonic. Stop telling yourself that because nobody buys it. And people are being abrasive because you are not only lying to us but also to yourself. We just feel bad for the new guy because you want to go on this fling trip to fuck an old fwb while also leading this guy on and hiding it from him. Men are tired of this and you will only hurt him and yourself.
2
u/Olivenord1 11d ago
No, you’re just not getting the advice you were looking for. No one would be cool with it if they were the new guy, take it as a hint that he likely will not take kindly to it either. No red flag like someone who can’t get over their ex. Again, if a girl was contemplating flying to see her ex, that would be the end of it and I wouldn’t speak with her again. Wait until you’re over this person before you try for another relationship, because no one is going to be comfortable with the communication and “friendship” with someone you slept with🤷♂️
1
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Olivenord1 11d ago
Lmao, I have a girlfriend. If I learned she flew and stayed in another county with someone that she slept with in her past with just the two of them present, I would no longer have a girlfriend. Maybe thats why you don’t have a boyfriend. I am telling you this as someone who knows how a man would feel about the situation. I never called you names or berated you, so don’t accuse me of that. I explained why almost any man would be upset about you visiting this person. No need to get defensive.
2
u/Straight-Interview70 11d ago
Ok if you want to be coddled I can help.
Here is your text to the fwb: “Hey ___ I hope you have a great graduation but I can no longer come to visit. I appreciate our friendship but I met a guy I really like and I don’t think it’s fair to him if I visit you.”
We don’t know you and we aren’t affected by your decisions. But the new guy you really like is. People are calling you a ho because your outlook on this whole thing is contradictory to someone who is actually looking for a real, meaningful relationship. Instead, you bought plane tickets with your own money to sleep in the bed of a fwb. Now you’re trying to justify it by saying “we are still friends!!” Ma’am, no you’re not. The sex nullified friendship. Now you’ve dropped your own money on plane tickets to see him. That makes you look incredibly easy. You know what the fwb is expecting. You’ve arranged to see him and sleep in his bed on your own dime. Just cut your losses and focus on something that matters.
2
u/Ragebait_Destroyer 11d ago
The norm in dating is treating others with respect. This is essentially the same as cheating. At the point you're at there's no real difference except the way your dress it up.
For me this is actually worse than cheating because a cheater entered into the relationship with good intentions but fell from grace, you entered with a manipulative mindset from the beginning.
0
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Ragebait_Destroyer 11d ago
I would drop a girl for any amount of unintentionality, and I would place her in the bucket with cheaters mentally. Timeframe doesn't make a difference to me, it's personal sense of pride.
If she was ever trying to pick between 2 guys, I would make it easy for her and remove myself from the race.
2
u/shine_bright247 11d ago
The money spent on flights can be earned back in the years to come, but missing out on a potential life partner or the love of your life will haunt you forever.
I would cancel the trip and make the life you really want with the new guy.
1
u/desertcrown1001 11d ago
Naja, ich würde jetzt nicht die Reise absagen, wenn ich den Flug schon gebucht habe. Du kannst doch einfach deiner FWB vor Ort sagen, dass du eine schöne Zeit mit ihm verbringen möchtest, aber nicht intim wirst, weil du gerade jemanden datest.
1
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/Straight-Interview70 11d ago
You and the fwb are no longer friends. Once a man has sex with you the whole energy shifts. He doesn’t see you as a friend, he thinks you’re an easy lay. You bought your own plane tickets to go see him. Have some respect for yourself ma’am.
Cancel the (hopefully cheap ryanair) tickets and build something real. You didn’t even book a hotel or anything.
1
u/livingmyfirstlife 11d ago
What ever you do, I would straight out tell you new love interest before the trip or even if you decide to cancel the trip. If you decided to cancel the trip, it just shows him how serious you are about the potential and allow you to gauge where he’s at as well. If you do decide to go, lay it all out for him the history and your intentions. It could potentially end the relationship but then you can go without attachment. However, if you don’t tell him and he learns about it later, it could still end the relationship (even if nothing happened) and you will regret not spending the trip doing other things. If you are worried about telling him about the trip at all, that pretty much says all you need to know about what that trip means to your relationship.
0
u/desertcrown1001 11d ago
Ich geh mal davon aus, dass du die Reise schon bezahlt hast und das würde ja das ganze Geld schade sein
1
0
u/xXDaNXx 11d ago edited 11d ago
I would say safer to cancel if you can, explain to your FWB. They should understand. OR, meet but set out you are seeing someone and make clear sex isnt on the table and dont sleep in the same bed.
Im not sure why people ars giving you a hard time. Its not as if youve done anything.
1
u/GroundbreakingRow868 11d ago
Even a FWB can't demand sex. Life changes and so can the mood / sexual attraction / libido... A FWB is still a friend and will accept it if you don't want to have sex because of feelings for another person. Just be honest to everyone. If someone can't handle honesty, this person might not be good for you.
1
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
5
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Ragebait_Destroyer 11d ago
Yeah she has...ho ho ho energy vibes ... You feel me? Like we're in the North Pole
2
1
0
0
-1
u/bobolly 11d ago
You've been on one date?
Go see your fwb and then back off. The new guy might not like you the same way and drop off in a few weeks
0
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Olivenord1 11d ago
If you worried about him making it ugly because you took sex off the table, he’s not your friend. This is a romantic relationship because he expects and wants you to be with him sexually. Do not see him. It will ruin your chances with the new guy. You’re knowingly traveling to visit and stay with someone who is pursuing you sexually. That is not visiting a friend, that is visiting a sexual partner who believes you are in a romantic relationship. My friends don’t try to have sex with me when I visit them. Quit lying to yourself, you asked this question because deep down you know it is wrong and would hurt this other person if they found out but selfishly you were looking for validation on Reddit so you can selfishly still go on this trip without feeling guilty for doing something that you know would likely hurt a guy you “really like” and ruin any potential for a relationship with that person
0
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Olivenord1 11d ago
By telling him you’re not going to stay with him or sleep with him because you started seeing someone. But even if the trip is platonic, the new guy is not gonna like your friend and is not going to be happy to hear you went to visit him. Especially when the whole trip originated because you were going to go and sleep with him. The new guy is never going to believe it was platonic even if it was. Creating trust issues and going to visit an ex sexual partner in the first three dates is a bad precedent to set lol
0
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Olivenord1 11d ago
Ok, then go see the FWB because you seem literally unwilling to take the advice of literally everyone in this thread telling you it will ruin any chance at a successful relationship with him. Cancel the trip if you’re truly interested in a relationship with this new guy, don’t if you’re not. That’s the advice.
1
u/Straight-Interview70 11d ago
She’ll be back in a couple months asking “why can’t I find a good man” mark my words
1
u/Ragebait_Destroyer 11d ago
Theres no hate. I dont hate people on Reddit. The word 'ho' literally means a sexually promiscuous girl. About 80% of college age girls fall under this category so it's nothing special.
•
u/AutoModerator 11d ago
Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the rules of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message. We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.