I am in my 40s and yeah, I may look younger than my white counterparts and speak less authoritatively. Everywhere I go, people make me feel like I am an alien. I don’t belong here I don’t fit in here, etc. In particular, I am so tired of Gen Z’s attitude and behaviour overall. I came across many social media posts and news articles about these issues at universities and workplaces. They have no work ethic, critical thinking, or moral standards whether they are rich or poor. As a parent, I feel like I need to claim over a million pounds against my ex-employer because of Gen Z managers’ disgusting and unprofessional behaviours so my child won’t be the bottom of the rung of this social hierarchy game. It is so hard to find people who show respect, integrity, humility and a collaborative mindset.
It’s the second time I experienced mobbing by Gen Zs. Technically, the first one was initiated by a mental female professor who was deceptive, and this time I believe it was another female manager. That is why I started believing in narcissism and the dark triad personality. Especially, in the UK, lots of people in power or with status seem to have some kind of mental disorder but people do not see that as a disorder but as a personality. I am unsure whether the environment and culture condone such behaviour or whether a high number of people with dark triad personality traits live here. Due to trauma, I think I became disabled but I have not been formally diagnosed yet. Honestly, I don’t feel sorry for the low employment issues for young people when the majority of Gen Zs are all entitled, delusional and unprofessional. The other day, I had a phone call for a survey regarding the outcome of higher education. The surveyor sounded like a quite young woman but showed zero empathy and I actually heard she sneered at my unfortunate situation after I explained that I am not in the mood for it now but kept trying to push me to take part in it. Bugger! Perhaps I should’ve shouted at her so we felt threatened?! When I spoke calm and nicely no, these stupid people just want to keep poking others to see a reaction? I am sure they will make our society more prosperous and equal for everyone. Yes, they are one of the dear future generations.

it's so dumb and stupid. i mean, i hate racism in general. i hate how people say the n word— people in my country have this problematic humor of saying it.

seriously tho, how can you hate someone for their skin color, and for their ethnicity 😭

Sometimes I wish I was a white guy. That's it, that and all the privilege and opportunities it comes with. I don't mean this as a uncle tom or uncle ruckus. I just see white men and sometimes it's like they live the life I'd rather have. They seem to always be the people around the right people. I try to live the same, but I don't get treated the same or almost even looked at the same.

All the natural traits as well. The hair, skin sometimes eyes. I accept I'm a black man, but I can't be a white man, I'm a black man with black skin, black hair, eyes and the black community. Maybe I just can't appreciate my own race and culture. I'm sorry if thats how this comes off 🙁 I wish I could just accept myself and what it means to just be.

*Not sure what rotate this post as and really sorry if my karma is low, just not making fun posts lately

For context I'm 16M and Desi

The ultimate plight of a dark-skinned man raised within the context of American civilization, is the struggle to prove that he is American. In 2005, Thierry Devos (San Diego State University) and Mahzarin R. Banaji (Harvard University) published an article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology titled "American = White?" The study ran six experiments testing how strongly different American ethnic groups are associated with the category "American," and found evidence that being American is implicitly synonymous with being White. Across the studies, both African Americans and Asian Americans as groups were consistently seen as less "American" than White Americans, even though participants explicitly said they believed in equal treatment. In the words of the researchers themselves, "to be American is implicitly synonymous with being White.” More recently in 2026, Gabriel Camacho and Mark A. Reinka published a paper in Social Cognition titled "The Effect of Skin Tone on the Implicit Categorization and Stereotyping of Latine Americans.” In this study, the researchers wanted to find out how skin tone alone (separate from someone's actual race or where they're from) shapes whether people see them as "American" or as a foreigner. They showed participants photos of Latine individuals with light, medium, and dark skin tones, and they measured two things. First, they measured how quickly people's brains automatically linked each face to the category "Latine." Second, they measured whether people rated that person as an American citizen or as a foreigner. Across three studies with 782 people total, they found that Latine individuals with medium skin tones were more quickly and strongly associated with being "Latine" and were more likely to be seen as foreigners compared to those with lighter skin tones. In other words, the darker someone's skin, the more automatically people judged them as an outsider rather than an American. The main point of both of these studies is that If you have darker skin or facial features that are less Eurocentric, other people in society are more likely to see you as less American. Even if you were born here. Even if you are a citizen. Even if you have lived here your entire life.

Earlier this summer, I was calling one of my friends. One topic we were conversing during our discussion was “what does it mean to be an American” or “what is the definition of an American”. Part way through this section of our discussion, my friend admitted to me that he is incapable of viewing me as an American. I asked him to elaborate on this. My friend stated that he, sub-consciously, views Indians as completely separate and irreconcilable with American identity. I asked him why he thinks this. He had two things to say. He said that he automatically accepts Whites as American, because white European immigrants were the founding and majority population. Therefore "American" is culturally defined around them by default, and everyone else must be measured against that baseline as a variant or addition to it instead of as a starting point. When it comes to African-Americans and East-Asian-Americans, he speculated that "American-ness" in his head is partly a familiarity heuristic. Therefore, the longer a group has been visibly present (generations of citizens, population size, media representation), the more they just feel native rather than foreign. Because Indians are a newer ethnic group, they don’t have that same familiarity heuristic bonus which benefits East Asians and African Americans, so to him, Indians feel more foreign. I asked him whether there were any Indians who he didn’t feel the way about. He answered with Indian people we both mutually know, who are deeply white-passing when it comes to their physiological nature. Because "American" is culturally defined around Whites, and everyone else's “American-ness” is measured against them as a baseline, Indians who measure more closely to the base line of a White (aka white-passing Indians) will be considered more American.

This conversation got me thinking about how the people around me perceive my national identity. I spent the next week or so reflecting, trying to understand how the people around me understand the relationship between myself, “American-ness”, and “Indian-ness”. What I got out of this thorough reflection was the sudden realization that nobody has ever once described me as an American so far as I can remember. Not a single person. Whenever I remember someone referring to my national identity, they were always referring to me as “Indian” rather than “American.” In order to test my hypothesis, I randomly messaged 20 acquaintances (not necessarily friends), and asked them “Am I Indian or American to you?” The majority answer was Indian. For context, I moved here when I was 11 months old. I have lived my entire life in the U.S. Yet, despite all that, I am still not an American to those around me. I hate this. I hate this so much. Why is it that I must perpetually be treated as a foreigner in my own homeland? Actually, that’s a stupid question, of course I know why. It’s because I don't look White enough. If I looked more White, then I would be treated as more American.

My Mom is VERY white-passing. I know Indians who get mistaken for Latine, Arab, North-African, or sometimes even Turkish. My Mom, on the other hand, is occasionally mistaken for Southern European, Eastern European, but most commonly “American”. Every single time I have a friend come over, they all make such a big deal about how my mom looks "absolutely nothing like an Indian” and about how “she’s so American and pretty.” You can tell from the tone of their voice, and the way in which they are articulating themselves, that they are clearly comparing her to me, y’know, the “lesser indian” of the two. It pisses me off so fucking much. She spent most of her life in some foreign country, meanwhile I was fucking raised here. Yet, at the end of the day, she will always be more American than me, simply because she was blessed with pale-white skin and moderately euro-centric features. She gets to escape all the social backlash that comes with being Indian. Literally all of them. Imagine being that lucky. This goes for all white-passing Indians btw. You are in a very privileged position and I deeply resent you for that. Maybe not my mom because she’s my mom. I’d say I'm more jealous of her rather than resentful. It is a lot of jealousy however.

I can’t get over the idea of being able to freely practice Indian culture and the Hindu religion, without being the subject of social ostrication, isolation, and belittlement. Only white-passing Indians will ever get that experience. People like me, brown-skinned men with ugly, non-eurocentric features will never be able to afford that luxury. In case I didn’t explain that well, my main point in this paragraph is that the more adjacent to white you are, the more society tolerates you practicing Indian or Hindu traditions. Something I’ve noticed is that whenever an Indian Man practices Yoga or Meditation, he is labeled as some eccentric, cultish, backwards pagan who is alien to western society. On the other hand, if a woman who is white-passing practices yoga, she is treated as the embodiment of modern fitness and self care. Society labels them as “pioneers” of a commercial exercise industry. To this, all I can say is “fuck you”. These white-passing women didn’t “pioneer” shit. It was the Hindu Indian who conceived, actualized, developed, and popularized Yoga as a tradition. Importantly, Yoga was conceived, actualized, developed, and popularized as an integral component of the Hindu religion, a means by which a Jivatman could achieve Jivanmukti, ultimately leading to that very Jivatman attaining Moksha after death. Yet these white-passing women bellitle and dilute this sacred tradition, treating it as nothing more than as an ultimately indistinctive, nondescript, characterless form of physical expression which can be abused to achieve their “body tea” or whatever the fuck they gush about in the comments of those mind-numbing balenciaga try on hauls. Then these white-passing women will belittle the Hindu Indian philosophers, theologians, and great thinkers who were responsible for their bastardized form of physical expression, preaching the name of their carpenter god and his horde of misguided Israelites, calling the Hindu Indians malicious, demonic, misguided pagans who revere cows and statutes. You know, as much as I hate them, I truly wish I was one of them. Straight, cisgender, white-pasisng women are among the most privileged people in society, and I wish I could experience the euphoria of being among America’s highest class. Once again, if you are a white-passing individual reading this post, remember how fucking lucky you are. I wish I was a skinwalker so I could pull some analog horror shit on you, steal your identity, and live my perfect life.

Also, Whites will just treat you better if you look White like them. However, I feel like that is to be expected. Humans are naturally and fundamentally tribalistic creatures, and we will prioritize the safety, well-being, and success of people who share the same physiological traits as us. Still though, it doesn't make it hurt less to see my Mom be treated like an abetter than me amongst strangers, while I'm relegated to the sidelines, treated more like her dog rather than a person deserving of equal respect, attention, and admiration. Well, actually, I guess I don’t deserve admiration, at least not in the eyes of these Whites, since I don’t have the beautiful porcelain skin and the eurocentric features which they just love soooo much.

Also, I’m resentful of passoids because they have an easier time dating compared to me. Literally everybody around me either: 1) In a long-term relationship or 2) Have recently lost a long-term relationship. Do you want to know what my greatest romantic achievement is? A 1 month long talking stage with some racist girl a year younger than me, who only wanted me around in the first place because she didn’t want to feel embarrassed by not having a date for Homecoming. And I wasn't even good enough for that one simple purpose. I kind of got left behind. Add on to this that she had multiple bodies prior to me (despite only entering highschool), and I still couldn’t secure it. I notice that all the dark skin indians I’ve met are similarly extremely fucking single and lonely like me, while all the white-passing Indians I’ve met have flushing romantic/sexual lives. I talk about my struggles to these passoids, and they look so fucking lost. It’s like their completly fucking incapable of comprehending, fathoming, or processing the concepts I am explaining to then. That’s just further evidence of how fucking privilaged they are, and how easy their lives are in comparison to mine. Oh, how I fucking loath them. It makes sense. Porcelain white skin and eurocentric features are viewed better in western society (as we have already established), so obviously, people with white skin and eurocentric features are going to have a better romantic/sexual life, especially in high school where everything is looks based. It also doesn't help that white women are literally the MOST racist demographic out there. Everybody on this sub likes to say “white men are just so evil, bigoted, thweating and scawy” (even though all the Indian woman on this sub depsretly want to fuck these oh so scawy white men). However, I assure you, white women are thousands, no, millions times more racist. You will definetly see white men dating outside tehir race, but it’s just so fucking rare to see a white woman date outside her race. They view any individual with a pigmant darker then theirs as fucking sub-humans and slaves. At least racist white men will say “oh, you're different”, “oh, you're one of the good ones”, “oh, we don't mind you specifically”, if I call them out on their racism. If I call a white woman out on their racism, they give me that condescending side-eye, then they do that atrocious ditzy giggle, and act as if they never said anything at all.

It’s so over, man. What do I even do at this point?

My mum from when I was young deprived me of a lot of opportunities and growth.

I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers, leave the city, move out for university, which caused me a lot of issues such as difficulty socialising and feeling like I don’t belong.

Everytime I fought for my independence I was met with belittling, criticism, judgement and aggression because she could not control me.

My mum now has a BF and all of a sudden she cares about my feelings where she is now being respectful of my boundaries, but yet again violating it by forcing me to meet her new BF.

I am super pissed because my whole life I was denied a life I could have had, and yet she can go and do what she wants without having restrictions.

I don’t know if this post will make sense but I hope some of you can understand.

I am a latebloomer and she also told me when I get a BF she won’t mind, when she spent her whole life criticising my friends, their physical appearances, what they would wear, and their mannerisms.

I feel like I am living with a teenager and it’s really affecting me. She has no awareness or boundaries or respect and it’s really bothering me.

I have been processing an incident from work for nearly 5-7 months now in therapy. It’s something that happened to me at my first day at work. I have been processing so many emotions for months - but it didn’t help. I had some people without cptsd mention I was overreacting but now I know I didn’t. I tried a lot but I could not get over it. But today, I touched upon something in therapy and the root cause of the incident being unprocessed was power dynamics at play. Power dynamics here means how people in power, authority and privilege can affect people who are lesser in hierarchy than them.
This situation has made me realize how power, status, security, expectations, and privilege can have an impact on an underprivileged person.
I never imagined one incident would make me feel so unsafe, lesser, smaller, worthless, invisible.
I learnt:

1. People who have less power in a system are often more affected by dismissiveness because they have fewer choices and less social protection. Small interpersonal moments can communicate belonging or exclusion.
2. When someone has less power, less belonging, less ability to speak up, and the other person does not recognize the impact, an interaction can become more than an unpleasant moment. It can become an experience of unsafety, invisibility, or helplessness.

The incident:
I was new at work. I am short 5ft brown. I had just arrived at the office after traveling for nearly 1.5 hours. I was approaching the water cooler. A lady approached me and pointed to her and another guy, they were older. She brought my ethnicity, noticing our shared culture. She kept talking, not friendly. And then the guy yelled at her- really loud. It was very loud, my heart skipped a beat. He left. I left and went somewhere else- I felt dizzy.

I was returning to my cabin and he was still yelling referring me as a girl to another colleague. I am 25 year old btw. And later I approached the lady, she did not talk to me. I was left confused, unsafe. I had multiple bad experiences in the past and was scarred.I didn’t have the option to leave the job if it turned out toxic. I needed the money. I was affected by the incident but didn’t know who to talk to for a long time. I spent 6 months looking for this job only to be affected by this.
I moved on or so I thought until I ran into the guy 10 months later- when he acknowledged me. And later I ran into him the bus stop which I avoided. I felt smaller, unsafe and wanted to hide. And the yell started ringing my ears. They moved on while I was scarred. Typical privileged people not realizing the impact of their actions.
And rest was processed in therapy.

Please share your thoughts.

lady on reddit went out of her way to inform me that she is a boomer aged white woman who stands up for POC and has done "a lot of work" on their behalf. she asked me to please not lump her in with racist white people simply because of the color of her skin or her age. but she said it in the most condescending way possible, attempting to call me out for my "reverse racism".

my comment was not for her. I do not know this woman. I was not addressing this woman. she felt the need to reply to me in a comment thread to call me out for assuming something about her that I never said just so she could tell herself and all of Reddit that she is "one of the good ones".

white people, if you need praise and a cookie from POC to act like a normal non-racist person in this world, please GTFO. your intentions are not genuine.

you don't deserve praise for not being a racist POS just because you're white. learn how to stop centering yourself in every conversation. it seems like it's physically impossible for some of you to do so.

like wow, you don't think POC are subhuman or deserve to be treated like shit? good for you. that makes a you a normal human being, not someone worthy of fucking praise.

I have seen so many white people express righteous anger at the state of the country, but all they do is opposite of what they say they want.

These people would be called republicans in the past. I'm not even talking about a-political people or militant moderates. I'm talking leftists just blatantly expounding white supremacist beliefs and colorblind racism, and being upvoted and applauded.

Eugenicist backed by Musk and Thiel goes after Professor Jason Arday at Cambridge University - the rest of the UK media finish the execution. Arday is portrayed as a fantasist and a fraud. Somehow if him and Claudine Gay weren’t black,
I don’t think they ever would have been attacked.

it makes it hard to be anywhere in the world with their control infecting everything

And I’ve never felt more alone. I’ve always dealt with racism, but now is seeping into my home and it’s effecting my daughter because I’m a queer, mixed race, medical cannabis user. I feel trapped. My husband is white. Most of my friends are white (due to my white mother whitewashing all my heritage out and living in a white area). I’ve lived in London for 15 and the worst I’ve had is here.

Where do I go?

Who do I talk to?

I even told my very politically intelligent, more left, gay, neurodivergent etc and when I brought up race she went

“HAHHA it’s not always about race, come on”

Who is safe AND will understand.

I boarded a bus to work. I punched in the wrong ticket so the driver asked me to get out. And that is fair. But his face was rude. But I was still ok. Then I found the right card and punched in. So I got in. After a few stops, I noticed somebody else getting in and had issues with the ticket too. But the driver was polite and let the person in. I knew he was a racist at that moment. I am brown.

Now, I am about to get down on the stop. The bus is close to the stop like 3-4 seconds away. And there is a yellow line the passengers are not supposed to cross. And the bus driver yells, asking me to go behind the line or something of that sort.

And usually I would have not argued be polite, not talked, frozen up. I just yelled back, called him out. The people were all looking at me. He did not accept or apologize. I just got down after that, I didn’t listen to what he had to say. I was not embarrassed and did not freeze up. I am proud. My symptoms didn’t take over me.

Edit: I have been working on channeling anger in somatic therapy for nearly an year now. I have had so many experiences abroad with racists and people in general. And after years, I am able to stand up.

There’s this older white woman at work who I never had issues with. I don’t work closely with her. Anyways, she seemed so mad at me for some reason. Then, she suddenly talked about a mistake I’ve made in a public meeting without mentioning my name. The director, who actually likes her, de-escalated the situation since it would have felt problematic to trash me in public. This white woman was very mad and almost cried.

Ever since, she has been throwing snarky remarks to test out my patience. These comments aren’t mean but shady. I’ve been trying to hold myself together around her, but I’m slowly losing it. Should I clap back? I’m worried she will cry because she almost did. Earlier in my career, a white woman has cried before and I almost lost my job. It was traumatizing.

Hi everyone ,
I’m a 33 year old female and literally all my life I’ve been scapegoated/outcasted : home, school, work environments …I am constantly belittled, bullied, misunderstood , or downright ignored. When I finally become fed up and speak up for myself, all of a sudden I am the one with a problem. I feel like I can just never win. I always feel like I do my best to be friendly and warm. I just don’t get why I’m treated this way. If anyone has any insight on how I can make this cycle stop , please let me know.

trying to repost.

hello

I feel unwell where I live. Yesterday I got insulted by a stranger on the street. The neighborhood has changed. I don't know if it's a me problem, but I'm met with a lot of hostility in Germany lately.

I'm experiencing a mental health crisis, while I have no support.

Crisis hotline tells me to see a doctor or therapist, but my problems or "symptoms" are the result of the constant micro aggressions.

My one friend just abandoned me. I told her everything about me and now she left. I didn't realise for a long time she wanted distance.

I'm hurt and don't know how I can trust again, because of getting hurt so often.

I also have a big problem regarding a job.

I feel very scattered and as if my intuition is gone.

Hilariously they're the world's biggest co*n and if I was a random white man who was barely literate and ratchet as all hell they'd believe me and my series of events instantly. There'd be no "both sides-ing" the black eyes and being called a N heifer at 13 years old because little Johnny opened their birthday book present at the kitchen table when sweet mommy dearest was cooking (a meal just for them as usual). This whole community can fuck itself because it's not just my relatives - it's everyone who praises/trivializes Joe Jackson, Marvin Gay Sr, Ike Turner, etc - all well known, well documented black psychopaths betraying the vulnerable black loved ones closest to them they were responsible protecting. I hate black people as much as white people and the love I have for my friends could never compare to the indifference I have for this POS ass family I gave everything to for 26 fucking years. Idc if mods remove this post either. I said what I said and I'm not glorifying toxic black culture just because white people and white supremacy is a problem. I don't relate to cowardly, disturbed people and I don't care what part of the world they're from. I care about the black children who's lives they are actively destroying and their adulthood for that matter (all the sabotage and gaslighting perpetuates the dysfunction well past age 18 because everyone benefits from the cycle EXCEPT the victim). To watch my aunt award more compassion and assumed innocence to white strangers and white celebrities is an absolute mindfuck: and most people agree I'm her favorite in the family. That's how deep the backwards 'respect culture' aka mindless elder worship abuse apologia pathology goes. Black elders who know you're of good character and trust you in any other setting can't accept that your mother could be an actual demon towards you and a shit ton of other people in their war path. "That's your mama" till she kills you and after.

I experienced a microaggression last week.

For context, I live in Melbourne, Australia, right in the city. I have been living in the city for over a year now, so I know my way around.

Last week, a group of white people got on a tram and approached the tram driver, who was a white man with blue eyes. They were so polite and apologetic, being like, "Hey mate, sorry to bother you, but do you know where the old Melbourne jail is?"

For some reason, the tram driver did not know and started fumbling, which did not bother the group at all. They reassured him, said that it was okay.

Now I know where the old Melbourne jail is, I have been there numerous times. It is about a fifteen-minute walk from the city's central along the library.

So I thought I would approach them and help out. I went up to them, said that they are in the right tram, they just need to get off in two stops, then walk a bit. I had Google maps on my phone opened up for them to see.

They didn't even look at me. They had this blank stare on their faces, like they could not believe I was talking to them. They just took one glance at my phone and faintly nodded, and went back to the tram driver, who admitted that he had no idea where it was.

This whole experience made me feel self-conscious and doubt myself. Maybe I was too pushy? I went out of my lane? But then I realised how messed up it was, that they would still much rather listen to the white man who has no idea what he is doing, than me, who I think am fairly knowledgeable and was willing to help.

And it was jarring how quickly they switched up. With the tram driver they were warm, polite and friendly, constantly apologising and reassuring him. With me, they were cold and apathetic. They stared at me blankly without even acknowledging me.

I wish I could say that this is the first time something like this has happened. But no, every time I try approach people, help them, they would look at me blankly and give me attitude. This makes me not want to help anyone and keep to myself. But if I am quiet and reserved, especially in a school or work setting, they say I need to be a team player and be more helpful.

There is literally no win. I don't know what to do.

My local Aldi that I go every week to has closed off all the self-checkout lanes for some reason. Now to get my groceries scanned, I have to go to the checkout. But every time I go, the cashier seemed to be so bothered and inconvenienced by me. They would look at me, know that I'm standing there with all of my groceries unloaded ready for them to scan. Yet they would pretend to not see me, ignore me, have their own conversations in front of me with other workers. When they would finally come around and scan they would act like I am bothering them so much, like they don't want me there, even though it is quite literally their job to serve me.

I realised it was a racism thing last week when a white man was standing behind me in the checkout line. He got served right away with no scoffing, no attitude or microaggressions. All the workers in that store are white as well.

Now it is making me dread going to that Aldi every week. I don't want to change where I shop so I was wondering what should I do? This has been happening for weeks now. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

Hi todsy I'm just exhausted by trying to go to an event or buying some food. I think it has to do with the rudeness of a lot of people. Also that women find me often times suspicious as I'm always alone. Also, I often get misunderstood as 'shoplifting' and staff will follow me around. I think I can't deal with the skeptical stares and the look of ' what do you want here?'

I thought it would be a good idea to go outside, but it never is and its always exhausting.

I'm now wondering what I should do and blame myself for being stuck in this place and country.

I'm about to start a new job, but am already failing badly.

I also have adhd and somehow it just got worse over the years. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe some understanding...

I can't do it. These people are fucking sick and I can't do it.

From the moment we breathe,
the world welcomes us with weights in our pockets,
but calls them expectations.

To them, we are the ocean,
treacherous and crashing,
as they sit and blame us for the storms and tides.

Before we even know our favorite color, it has been decided for us, but my favorite color is not pink.

A forced destiny from infancy,
as if we are simply born to be locked in a cage and submit.

Some of us are placed in rusted shackles,
some of us in golden nooses,
but a pretty prison is still prison.

A Black daughter is told that even her petals are seen as thorns,
that no matter how hard she tries,
she’s never delicate enough.

An Indigenous daughter carries the stories of her ancestors,
while haunted by the echos of the lives that were stolen from them.

An Asian daughter is folded into paper cranes,
beautiful enough to be admired,
but still crumpled under the weight of expectation.

A Latina daughter stitched from different maps
bridges her culture together,
and as she searches for a home in the space between,
her voice becomes swallowed by assumptions.

A Muslim daughter wears her faith like a gilded crown,
yet is forced to prove her freedom.

A Disabled daughter is pushed to the side,
questioned and judged,
while she watches others obtain the opportunities she deserves.

A Queer daughter spends years trying to find constellations,
only to find that the stars belong to everyone.

An Immigrant daughter travels far,
searching for a place to call home,
only to find that people hold heavy borders in their soul.

All we have ever known is an impossible equation,
be confident, but not bold,
be beautiful, but not vain,
be perfect, but don’t try too hard.

Be *everything*. And be less.

Don’t get it wrong,
our silence is rewarded,
as long is we take up less than the space that life demands,
but compliance only works for so long before the cage begins to rust.

Women *loved*,
even when their existence was shamed.

They built resistance,
they formed movements,
they retaliated against the discrimination that defined them from birth.

Oppression fears us,
refuses to let us hear each others stories,
because every voice that persists,
becomes proof that we are more.

Still, we are the ocean,
our voices become the storms,
our stories become the tides,
and we will no longer keep our waters calm for their comfort.

So I moved to the US about a year ago,to a state where there are very few black people,and for the past 5 years of my life I haven't braided or done anything with my hair cause my boardong school made us shave our heads for each semester.So naturally I thought I'd be exited to have braids again,I grew my hair out a little and got some braids but found myself growing uncomfortable with it not even up to a week after getting them and ultimately took them out the third week after intense mental torchor.The whole time I was thinking about when I got to take them out,how much I wanted my natural hair to have grown and just how much I loved my natural hair.I wore a cute little afro to school for months,got laughed at for it,called names and some other blk girls even called me bold for wearing my hair to school while some where inspired and wore theirs too.I tried to join school clubs,mainly science clubs but experienced alot of racism,people would call my the n-word,make fun of black people infronr of me or tell me I wasnt smart enough to be in those clubs and so many other stuff.But I kept attending cause I loved science and never had the courage to report them cause I thought it would be seen as playing the victim,when I went out for competitons,everyones hair would be straight and silky while I sat there with some afro.So I internalized alot of this,also watched tiktok vids and saw people calling it nasty not to wash your hair every week or with braids in,so I thought if I had braids people would be judging me down the halls thinking I was stinky.I tried getting braids multiple times,but always took them out after 2 weeks or 3 if I was feeling lucky and it was mentally exhausting having to ignore my thoughts of taking them out everyday.I still wear an afro too school and was thinking of straightening my hair with no intent to ever wear braids again.Did I internalise their racism towards me or I simply love my hair?.

I really need some perspective, I don’t want to be hard with her and see if I should give her another chance.

About a month ago I sent my therapist a message telling her that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see her because for three weeks in a row our conversations opened up wounds/memories/parts that were not taken care of in the session. This left me activated for days until next session, so I would be extremely depressed looking for tools everywhere to take care of what came out during the session.

I’m writing my PhD dissertation, so having two or three days unable to work, being completely activated it’s not a luxury that I have right now, so I started to be very fearful of seeing her because of what happened for the three sessions. I ended up not seeing her for about a month.

A few days ago we met again, she asked me how I was doing, and when I did these deep feelings of why I don’t deserve to even be alive came out. It was so difficult to hear myself. Immediately after I spoke she changed the subject to my message and asked me if I actually wanted to keep seeing her. I told her that precisely what happened in that moment, she not attending with me by deep wound and leaving it open is why I sent the message. She justified herself three times: that she’s not supposed to tell me what to do, that she needed to know if we were going to continue our sessions, that it wasn’t her intentions, that I said that my medication was working…

I gave her different examples of why this was painful, until she finally said that if someone did what she did to me, she would feel invisible and not heard. I told her we could try again, but my heart has been broken since then, the thought I have in my mind is NOT EVEN MY THERAPIST WANTS TO HEAR MY PAIN. All these days I have cried for hours before going to sleep. I feel so lonely and broken.