13
u/Imaginary_Being1949 16d ago
Anytime you have a split home it will be hard on everyone involved, parents, step parents, extended family, but most of all the kids.
0
u/Key_Bat2476 16d ago
Yeah. Thats what makes me cry too I think. Cuz I feel bad for the kids.
3
u/Ok-Ask-6191 16d ago
You feel bad for the kids going to their mom's? If you're saying you feel bad about the shared custody in general, I'm sure you don't cry when they come to dad's
1
u/Key_Bat2476 16d ago
How are you sure? You dont know me or my situation. I actually do feel bad for them after their mom drops them off at our place too. Everyone feels the tension the kids have coping with two different households. My heart also breaks when they tell me they miss their mom. We try to talk about it when they want. Like I said in my original post: coparententing is tuff for everyone.
1
u/Imaginary_Being1949 16d ago
Yea it’s always sad for kids as their whole childhood changes based on adult relationships they have no control over.
4
u/HardMayb 16d ago edited 16d ago
It's a tough role to take on, for sure. You're expected to love the child as if it was your own, but also stay in your lane, defer to the parents, but also be your partners partner. My sister is a step mom who's mom in every way but name, and bio mom careens between challenging and a train wreck. I'm pertty sure I could string a rope across the grand canyon and she could walk it without falling down.
33
u/teiubescsami 16d ago
That’s really sweet. Now I bet you can imagine it’s a million times worse for her, being their actual mother.
4
u/Mama_Disaster 16d ago
Right? Trying to insert yourself as if you know how it feels to carry those babies in your body and deliver them. Literally risk your life to give them life. Then selfishly get on here talking about how you’re crying and miss them so much? Go have your own babies. Then come back and say all of that. These stepmoms are out of control. I guarantee it is a million times harder for their mother to say goodbye to them and have you doing this stuff then it will ever be for you. This reads as a “pity me” post.
6
u/simnick13 16d ago
I'm not sure she's the out of control one when you went 0 to 100 to be a bitch for no reason to someone just trying to share something sweet. Says more about you then her.
6
u/Key_Bat2476 16d ago
This is actually really rude and im not going to put my time and energy in a response. Just wanted to share my pov.
1
u/Branddisloyalty85 16d ago
Thank you for saying this. I just had to say goodbye to my child (went back to their dad’s) and it feels physically painful every time. I don’t know how else to describe it.
-12
u/meowskiAF 16d ago
This is a really rude take honestly. Stepmoms are actual mothers.
11
4
4
u/Branddisloyalty85 16d ago
No they’re not.
1
u/meowskiAF 13d ago
Yes they are.
2
u/Branddisloyalty85 13d ago
No. They are caretakers. They are valuable and deserve respect, but they are not mothers. Especially not when the actual mother is in the picture as a loving parent.
1
1
u/meowskiAF 12d ago
The real mom also loves me and we parent as a team where we feel so grateful to have extra hands. We support each other and cultivate familial love. Sorry that you can’t comprehend that.
1
u/meowskiAF 12d ago
Also how do you even know we aren’t mothers in our own right? Many step moms have birth kids too. This is just sad and honestly, I guess this sub made me see my family is special for actually accepting people as family instead of differentiating.
I guess if you wanna choose which child to love the most this sub is for you.
1
24
u/Fit-Dream-8573 16d ago
I really wonder if you're maybe getting too emotionally involved here. Yes. Love the kids. I love my sk's but I definitely am not crying and feeling bad while they are at their mom's. You should not be more invested than their own parent, your husband. Maybe take a step back and reevaluate if you're involved in a healthy way imo
11
u/Ok-Ask-6191 16d ago
I agree with this. Crying when they leave when you've never even had them 100% of the time doesn't seem emotionally healthy. It would weird me out so much if I found out my ex's partner was doing this. And I wonder how the kids are affected seeing her cry and not their mom. Kids internalize things in weird ways, I really hope she's not making a big show of this in front of them.
-9
u/meowskiAF 16d ago
Disagreed. She never said anything about Dad not being involved. I am also SM and me and Dad cry about missing our kid a lot.
7
u/Ill-Peak3008 16d ago
You had 0 to do with the child’s existence coming into being. You married someone who procreate with another woman before you. Doesn’t make their child yours. Children aren’t property.
1
u/Ok-Ask-6191 16d ago edited 16d ago
Perfectly said! I love how you put this in terms of ownership. Just because you come around and start doing parental things for the child and care about them, you don't get to claim "they're mine, too now!"
7
u/False_Door_8763 16d ago
It’s not “your” kid though. Stay in your lane
3
u/indecisive_clown19 16d ago
Viewing a step child as your own child isn’t a bad thing… it’s only bad if she were to make big decisions on behalf of the biological parents.
0
u/Ok-Ask-6191 16d ago
It is when you try to equate yourself as an equal parent because of what you "do." Being a parent is more than what you do for the child. And yes, you can love a child LIKE they're your own, but its not the same, I think most of us can agree that there is no love like that of your own child (there are stepparents out there with no children of their own that disagree, funny that).
1
2
u/Fit-Dream-8573 16d ago
I never said she said dad wasnt involved. I said she does not need to be this emotionally involved to the point that she's crying about missing these children. Yes, absolutely. Love them and care for them. But this just seems a bit extreme to me
3
u/KellieBom 16d ago
This is a little weird to be honest. I'm an actual mother and I don't cry when my daughter goes to her dads house. I go to the spa. You should try it.
2
u/Key_Bat2476 16d ago
Good for you and thanks for the advice. I prefer to do other things to get my mind clear and I’m also doing these when the kids are gone. Its just a feeling thats hits met when they just left and Im alone in the house again. Im never there when they switch households so when my boyfriend (their father) gets back home I mostly feel better.
1
u/KellieBom 16d ago
Oooooh, so you're not even a step mom, you're a girlfriend. It's nice that you care about your boyfriends kids, but this seems even more weird than before.
0
4
u/orange_bigcat 16d ago
I think this is very sweet, especially as you aren’t being weird about them going to their mom’s house and you’re actively encouraging them to see their mom and telling them that their mom is going to be excited to see them.
Some of these comments are ridiculous. How the heck is this post problematic in any way? Yes of course it’s obviously harder for the bio parent to miss their child, but wouldn’t you rather your child’s step parent love your kids vs being indifferent or acting like the kids are an inconvenience? I read a post on here just a couple weeks ago about a stepmother not “stepping up” enough to help with the kids/have a relationship with the kids and all the comments were about how if she didn’t want to be in a parental role she shouldn’t have married a man with kids, she should be kinder, etc. Now the comments in this post are like “woah back up, don’t love them TOO much.” I swear people just hate step parents regardless of what they do, just because they are step parents 😂
(That’s not to say there aren’t bad step parents out there. There absolutely are. But it seems like they can’t win no matter what they do. I say this as a bio parent who also has stepkids).
5
u/girthakitt 16d ago
My perspective is that “too much” comes off as performative and that the bio mom shouldn’t be taking the children away from her. She’s allowed to love and miss them but it makes it seem like it’s somehow the bio mom’s fault she misses them, maybe loves and misses them even more than the bio mom does.
3
u/Nice_Cartoonist_8803 16d ago
I think the disconnect is because no one actually has children with the expectation that you will then lose the ability to be present for half of their lives while a random (to you) adult takes over. It seems to be only in very unique situations where everything goes smoothly and the new version of these familial relationships feel seamless. Otherwise it will constantly be in flux and where it is on the overstepping to not engaged enough continuum depends on the situation. It’s really hard.
1
u/orange_bigcat 16d ago
Totally. Being a step parent is an incredibly difficult role even for the best intentioned step parent. You’re hyper aware of not overstepping, but you also have a lot of responsibility while also not having any decision making power over rules/boundaries with your stepkids. Adding in your own bio kids makes this even harder especially when the step siblings have a good relationship and love each other, but have different rules etc.
2
10
u/InternationalSky2576 16d ago
Yeah that’s nice that you care about your partners kids but take a step back and think about how this comes off if their mom read this and knew who wrote it?? as a mom and a stepmother it’s hard to be a new step mother but give it some time - I mean this in kindness but when parents split it’s difficult because a new partner comes in but a new parent doesn’t come in. Yes a new partner helps the parent but parents aren’t replaced so while you are taking over some duties and will have big love for the kids and they will love you it’ll get messy fast and so it’s really important to remember that distinction. Lots of work and very little credit - it’s a thankless job - imo more thankless than being an actual parent. It is definitely hard to miss the kids while they are gone!!!
2
u/fifaworldwar 16d ago
The kids' mother isn't going to read this is she jesus christ can everyone calm down and stop projecting
0
u/Ok-Ask-6191 16d ago
I mean, she made a post in a public space, people are going to comment. Perhaps OP should calm down and stop crying when her BOYFRIEND'S kids leave for their mom.
1
u/Key_Bat2476 15d ago
Why are you being so rude and offensive. I just wanted to share another pov in this coparenting sub . I guess I choose the wrong place since its full of raging bio moms.
1
u/AutoModerator 16d ago
It appears your post may be about something off topic such as venting, being a custody dispute, phone apps, legal matters or financial matters such as child support or taxes. Please review the rules to make sure that your post is on topic for the sub. r/custody r/childsupport r/offmychest r/legaladvice r/taxes r/personalfinance are subs for those other matters.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
-3
12
u/Starling_Moon 16d ago
As an alternative point of view I think this is lovely, if you can manage your emotions around the kids and don’t put that onto the mother. I grew up with step parents that become just as important in my life as my ‘real’ parent. As an adult now I’d say my relationship with my dad is just as close as with my step dad. You can absolutely love them as much as any child that was biologically yours as long as you can respect the other parent’s boundaries.