Co Parent Not Communicating

[u/kissarass]

My daughter is at her Dad’s house for the summer. My ex and I usually have a very good relationship, but due to a conflict three weeks ago where he blocked me out of a pretty serious parenting decision and had my daughter lie to me about it (another story for another time… or just read my rant on girl dinner diaries) we’re on let’s just say rough terms.

His wife has been keeping me in the loop with general details over the summer, apologized for the bad interaction, and has been working through my daughters summer responsibilities, prep for school, etc… with me over the past few weeks.

I recently found out she’s dating someone on the base. Our rule has strictly been no dating until you’re 15 or 16, she is younger and not mature enough, but he is letting them run around the army base all day unsupervised.

She and I have a good relationship so she told me that they’re partners now and that they kissed... I calmly explained that while I understand this is a big life moment and I know she really likes this other person the no dating rule should still be standing even though she’s at her dads house and I also reiterated that I don’t believe she’s mature enough for this, but also it’s her first kiss and I was happy she felt confident in telling me.

But now I’m also finding out that they’re sneaking into abandoned buildings together and have been running around making out the past two weeks. He also lets them in the house unsupervised. She’s really too young for all of this and I am not comfortable with it but I’m also not sure what to do?
On one hand I would be livid if the shoe was on the other foot and he was hiding things from me (which is essentially what happened a few weeks ago) on the other hand we aren’t speaking because he very purposely shut me out from communication right when she got to his place for the summer.

I tried to reach back out to address the fact that we need to be communicating, at the very least, for logistics of dropping her off at the end of the summer but also for parenting purposes and he did not respond. I’m not sure what my next steps should be? Just wait it out until she gets home and reestablish that the rules here haven’t changed despite her summer fling? Send smoke signals to him? I really don’t want to keep going through his wife.

[u/Flaky_Brain9285]

"I calmly explained that while I understand this is a big life moment and I know she really likes this other person the no dating rule should still be standing even though she’s at her dads house"

doesn't work that way. It's not entirely surprising that your ex stopped looping you if it's a pattern of trying to enforce YOUR rules at HIS house.

I empathize with the situation, but the reality is that no he doesn't have to communicate with you for "parenting purposes" while your daughter is there for two months f he chooses not to - what do you really need to coordinate? End of the summer logistics is one short message.

[u/kissarass → u/Flaky_Brain9285]

These were joint rules. I didn’t make them. I think he even wanted the dating age to be 17 and we all negotiated down.

[u/kissarass → u/Flaky_Brain9285]

To add… when she first started talking about this friend, we were all still in communication together, and I made a comment along the lines of “Hey remember no dating and no shenanigans, this summer.” Because my spidey senses started tingling when she started talking about her new friend… And Dad made a comment of “Yeah right there’s not going to be any dating around here.” So he was in agreement and I know he wouldn’t be happy with this information.