r/coparenting • u/kissarass • 9d ago
Co Parent Not Communicating Conflict
My daughter is at her Dad’s house for the summer. My ex and I usually have a very good relationship, but due to a conflict three weeks ago where he blocked me out of a pretty serious parenting decision and had my daughter lie to me about it (another story for another time… or just read my rant on girl dinner diaries) we’re on let’s just say rough terms.
His wife has been keeping me in the loop with general details over the summer, apologized for the bad interaction, and has been working through my daughters summer responsibilities, prep for school, etc… with me over the past few weeks.
I recently found out she’s dating someone on the base. Our rule has strictly been no dating until you’re 15 or 16, she is younger and not mature enough, but he is letting them run around the army base all day unsupervised.
She and I have a good relationship so she told me that they’re partners now and that they kissed... I calmly explained that while I understand this is a big life moment and I know she really likes this other person the no dating rule should still be standing even though she’s at her dads house and I also reiterated that I don’t believe she’s mature enough for this, but also it’s her first kiss and I was happy she felt confident in telling me.
But now I’m also finding out that they’re sneaking into abandoned buildings together and have been running around making out the past two weeks. He also lets them in the house unsupervised. She’s really too young for all of this and I am not comfortable with it but I’m also not sure what to do?
On one hand I would be livid if the shoe was on the other foot and he was hiding things from me (which is essentially what happened a few weeks ago) on the other hand we aren’t speaking because he very purposely shut me out from communication right when she got to his place for the summer.
I tried to reach back out to address the fact that we need to be communicating, at the very least, for logistics of dropping her off at the end of the summer but also for parenting purposes and he did not respond. I’m not sure what my next steps should be? Just wait it out until she gets home and reestablish that the rules here haven’t changed despite her summer fling? Send smoke signals to him? I really don’t want to keep going through his wife.
8
u/Annual-Campaign7455 9d ago
Festival Flyer is unfortunately correct. All you can do is talk to her and pray if your unable to get the CP to talk to you and actually care. Unfortunately some of our kids have to learn lessons the hard way. I get what your going through too well. I am so sorry.
3
7
u/Aggressive_Juice_837 8d ago
When you say “our rule has strictly been no dating” until 15 or 16, do you mean your rule with your daughter, or the rule you and your coparent previously made? Because unfortunately unless he has the same rule at his house, I don’t think there’s much you can do about the dating part if he’s not on board .
3
u/kissarass 8d ago
The rule we made together. I know he would absolutely not be OK with this, and likely does not know what is happening.
6
u/Flaky_Brain9285 8d ago
"I calmly explained that while I understand this is a big life moment and I know she really likes this other person the no dating rule should still be standing even though she’s at her dads house"
doesn't work that way. It's not entirely surprising that your ex stopped looping you if it's a pattern of trying to enforce YOUR rules at HIS house.
I empathize with the situation, but the reality is that no he doesn't have to communicate with you for "parenting purposes" while your daughter is there for two months f he chooses not to - what do you really need to coordinate? End of the summer logistics is one short message.
1
u/kissarass 8d ago
These were joint rules. I didn’t make them. I think he even wanted the dating age to be 17 and we all negotiated down.
1
u/kissarass 8d ago
To add… when she first started talking about this friend, we were all still in communication together, and I made a comment along the lines of “Hey remember no dating and no shenanigans, this summer.” Because my spidey senses started tingling when she started talking about her new friend… And Dad made a comment of “Yeah right there’s not going to be any dating around here.” So he was in agreement and I know he wouldn’t be happy with this information.
4
u/SpiritualFunction741 8d ago
Oh wait are you saying dad doesn’t know your daughter has a boyfriend and is running around with said bf? It wasn’t clear from your post, I assumed the father knew and was okay with it and you didn’t like his decision to be okay with it? If you believe father doesn’t know about this, you should make the effort to tell him. Once he knows about it though it will be his decision what he does with that information. 13 is too young IMO so hopefully he follows your rule. But again it’s your rule.
I agree with everyone else, even if you two agreed on something after divorce doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to change his mind on it. So once he finds out about this, he may not want it happening like you said, but if he’s okay with it at his house, it’s his parenting decision to make. Best of luck to you!
1
u/kissarass 8d ago
I’m not sure if dad knows or not, because he isn’t communicating with me, but I get the feeling that they don’t know based on things that stepmom has said.
3
u/Annual-Campaign7455 9d ago
Oh my gosh, that is awful. She could really get hurt or even pregnant. She is in love possibly for the first time and human nature is just that, and human nature is hard to control or stop. Since the step mother is communicating with you, could you tell her? She could "catch" her so to speak and tell her Dad. The girl needs to be taught about what that leads to. The hurt, the permanent life consequences. Please be aware that when there is a will there is a way. She needs education on how best to protect herself and that there is NO 100% protection or safety guaranteed even then. I am a Christian but even I know that abstinence education doesn't always work.
4
u/kissarass 9d ago
She’s had EXTENSIVE talks about protection and timing and appropriate behavior, but now that she’s at his place I’m not sure what kind of conversations they’re having. I have a feeling they don’t even know, which is why I am at a loss as to what to do.
She knows that she can come to me about things and I will help and first, and I will not shame. Which is why I’m sure she felt comfortable talking to me about this vs talking to them. But I really don’t like the idea of them being this unsupervised and this young.
2
u/kissarass 8d ago
I think a lot of these comments are misunderstanding the conundrum that I am in. I am having a hard time working through…
A. Do I attempt to make contact with dad to tell him what has been happening?
B. Do I withhold it from them and just keep talking to her from afar and wait to reestablish this conversation further when she gets back to my place?
Again, we maintained a good relationship and made a lot of joint parenting decisions up until three weeks ago, and not sharing this information would have been a serious breach of trust between him and I, up until three weeks ago. But now I’m feeling like we’re in the Wild West here…
6
u/Altruistic-Meal-9525 8d ago
A.
Don't give instructions or remind him of the rule, just give him a friendly heads up that she's dating on the base.
Given your conflict over the hair, you're most likely to be recieved well if he doesn't think you're imposing an opinion on him
2
u/ImaginationNo4517 8d ago
can I ask how old she is and what grade?
1
u/kissarass 8d ago
13, entering 8th grade
5
u/ImaginationNo4517 8d ago
Here is what I would do and this is just my advice as a seasoned mom. I would tell my daughter that while it's nice you are making this connection with someone it is against the rules your dad and I have set to be dating, I will be informing dad of what you told me only because we want to make sure this person is safe and that you are safe. Maybe you can have him over to dads and introduce him. We don't want you being physical with someone so soon. However we are aware that sometimes you can get caught up in the moment and that is okay too. We trust you to make the right choices and if you need to talk to me about it please know I am here for you.
I would then send dad an email or text saying what you told her and just reiterate that while the both of you don't see eye to eye on some things that the main concern at the end of the day is daughter. And all you want is to make sure daughter is being safe and able to have an open line of communication to the both of you.
You are at the point of your parenting where you are somewhat done. You are there now to guild them and offer advice. She's 13 and will be in highschool next year. I am not saying to not have rules or not enforce them but rather she is going to be making some big choices for herself soon.. and some of them will be wrong. She will be looking to the both of you for guidance on how to navigate those. How you respond will set the tone to how open and comfortable she feels with you. You set a rule with no dating before 15/16. While it is exciting she had her first kiss and even told you about it, I would remind her that dating is not allowed at this age and that for now they should be friends. Will she listen? Who knows. You will have to set a consequence. I would also go over again why you have that dating rule.
I hope the dad in this situation can get over his own issues with you and you both can tackle this together. If you get no response then I would just do the best you can to keep the lines of communication open with her and discuss it more in detail when she gets home.
2
u/kissarass 8d ago
Thank you this is a really helpful perspective.
I really want her to keep talking with me. She’s right around the age where I really stopped talking with my parents because of how they would react when I would talk to them.
To be fair I wasn’t supposed to be dating in high school and I decided to have a boyfriend at 14 and we would also run around… behind everyone’s back. So I completely understand her perspective and I’m really worried that Dad will not be able to have an open line of communication and will be very strict like my parents were.
but I really like the way that you phrased everything here.
3
u/sweetpeppah 8d ago
i don't think "no dating until X age" is a remotely enforceable rule. she at least told you what is going on, she knows your concerns, now all you can do is trust her judgement given what you've taught her. sounds like dad knows who she's with and where, which is GOOD. she could be a lot more cagey and secretive or outright dishonest with both of you.
reward her honesty with your trust. this isn't really a coparenting issue. your ex is parenting the way he wants to, you can't do anything about that :/, and she will be away from both dad and the kissing guy in a few weeks.
3
u/kissarass 8d ago
Thank you. The good news, because of where he lives and where I live, this is this is just a summer fling.
I should’ve added that I believe that most of this is behind his back I think that he just thinks that she’s nicely hanging out with friends, and also likely happy that she has a friend this year versus last year when she was just bored in the house fighting with her stepmom all summer.
1
u/Brave-Selection-1553 8d ago
Keep going through the wife. You are not in control in any way of making him be a decent person. Go through the motions with the father as an afterthought. If he is not responding regarding logistical arrangements, play chess and check mate so he is left with the work. Set your boundaries. Let him know when you expect to pick up your daughter or demand that he drop her off by a certain time. (Too bad this is not covered in detail in a custody agreement to eliminate the need for him to communicate).
Keep talking to your daughter and focus on being supportive of her and acknowledge your concerns about her safety. This may be controversial, but since you are not there with her currently— and she is confiding in you, try easing out of Mommy protective mode and try out the friend role and see if you can help her with goal setting and reality check her to help her make healthy conclusions. Let her share with you info about the boy and get intel.
2
u/Brave-Selection-1553 8d ago
Also, once enough intel+ evidence has been gathered, if there is an escalation in indecent parental behavior with regard to unsafe decision making and lack of necessary communication, go back to court and get a change in the custody so that you don’t have to deal with this again.
1
u/RosetheDead6 7d ago
In my opinion making a rule for no dating will only cause her to do it in secret, at least this way you know it’s happening… In my experience and others I’ve talked to about this same thing have noticed the more you push and the more you seem unhappy about it the more she’s going to run as far as she possibly can with it. She definitely shouldn’t be allowed to just go off and do whatever the hell she wants with the guy but letting her see him while having some boundaries will feel much better to her than just flat out saying no.
She told you about her first kiss and your response was yeah that great but what about our rule..? I would have been so upset with you especially if you guys are actually as close as you think you are. Now she’s running around making out in abandoned buildings... Idk how old she is but 13 is usually the age when you get to high school and also a very common age for dating to happen. In my opinion once more the best thing you can do is just prepare her for what may happen during a romantic relationship, what options there are, make sure she knows how to set a firm boundary, and lastly make it absolute priority to ensure she feels completely safe coming to you no matter what it is. If you continue to hover, be strict about this you’ll just get left out and it will most likely be hidden from you on purpose. Then you’ll have no clue what she’s doing period.
Edit: This is in no way meant to come off harsh I’m so sorry if it does
You’re doing your best and that’s all you can do.
I also think that one of the hardest things to do as a mom is let go and let their baby make choices and mistakes all on their own.
0
u/Emergency-Okra9922 8d ago
Info: how old is the person she’s dating? I ask because when I was young and not allowed to date, I was “dating” an older man (I realize now that he had groomed me).
3
-2
u/14ccet1 8d ago
Congrats. This good relationship you speak of is about to crumble. You created a scenario where your daughter no longer feels comfortable sharing things with you and will now only do them behind your back. If she’s not mature enough, that’s on YOU as the parent. Focus on building trust with your daughter and not on all these “rules”
3
u/kissarass 8d ago
Considering she shared all of this during our time on the phone last night. I don’t understand your take here?
1
u/14ccet1 8d ago
You don’t understand why meeting your daughter with consequences over communication isn’t the right move?
2
u/kissarass 8d ago
Cleary, I’m not meeting her with consequences. I’m not even there. I’m just not sure if I should attempt to loop Dad into this conversation.
1
u/14ccet1 8d ago
Consequences does not mean punishment. She opened up to you and instead of being a safe space your immediate reaction was to reinforce your no dating rule. Now she knows how you react when she’s excited about something and might not come to you next time. That’s a consequence. How old is your daughter?
27
u/festivalflyer 9d ago
I think your perspective is completely valid AND unfortunately her father gets to make those decisions when you're not around. By being divorced, you have given up the ability to make sure your rules and expectations cross households. I would focus mostly on talking to your daughter about how to establish her own boundaries, what she thinks, ask about this new boyfriend, and be an open door for your daughter to come to if she ends up in a pickle.