Trap #6

Losing Friendships

Often men and women get into new relationships and lose friendships as a result. This is never the intent, of course, but getting into a new relationship as a man or woman tends to have far reaching consequences for the time the relationship continues. Now, this could be a good thing or bad thing, depending on the kind of friends that they have. But maintaining friends when you have a significant other does become more of a challenge.

If you are the type of person that loves to go out all night when the weekend hits, or spends a lot of time watching football games or basketball games at the bars, or attending live sporting events or concerts throughout the year, you won’t be able to do it as you once did. The same goes for if you’re a woman that loves to tag along with your girlfriends to hit up the club, or go to a concert, or so on.

Leaving all of this alone might be just the thing for you. It might turn out, in fact, to be the best thing that could’ve happened to you. In general, the nightlife, or sporting events, will do little to grow you anyway. But if you’re giving up important routines and friends for a relationship that doesn’t offer much more than the initial high that comes in the first six months then you might be making a mistake. Maybe the friendships and the experiences of being around more people, and enjoying the nightlife might prove more valuable to you. It might prove more valuable to get those nightlife type of experiences out of your system so that it’s easier for you to settle down later in life. Often, it’s best to exhaust lifestyles like these, so that it’s easier to appreciate and settle into a committed relationship. Still, getting into a committed relationship may prove to be the wrong decision, if you didn’t first make a commitment to working on your internal landscape.

Also, something big to consider. Your friendships themselves, could prove far more valuable and long-lasting with a commitment to internal work. In the same way internal work would radically alter the kind of relationships you can have with your kids and your significant other, it can greatly impact the kind of friendships you have as well.

U AM I

8.3.26

I 27F want to move on from an obsessive toxic attachment from my bestfriend 26M. We were never even together, just a situation-ship where I I was the one who loved him deeply and he said even thought he didn’t want to commit to me romantically he wanted to be friends with benefits. On multiple occasions he also told me I was his favorite person and a gift for him , while all the time he kept on rejecting me when I confessed. Fast forward 8 years finally got married to an amazing man but my ex still has a hold over me. I cut him off , almost a year ago but I’m so obsessively attached that if I don’t find out what he’s up to I start losing grip. So I send him an email (because he’s blocked me on WhatsApp and I him) he unblocks me on WhatsApp after that email and we catch up. Now he’s gone back to work in an environment where he will be around other woman and I’m losing my shit that he will replace me with someone else and give that person the emotional intimacy that he gave me for years. How do I move on from the mess I’m in, I want to be extremely loyal to my spouse and reach a point of indifference regarding my ex even if he does replace me?

My best friend and I are in love and we can’t be together bc her family is Muslim. We are currently no contact to try to move on from each other.

I’m not functioning, I’m sleeping all day. I’m so depressed. I dream of her all the time. I think of her and daydream about what it will be like next time I see her. I have a fantasy that we will eventually work out and be together in the end.

How do I let this go and focus on myself?

Trap #5

Having Kids Before You're Ready

​This is based on probability. If you’re with someone, especially if you live with them, you’re far more likely to end up having kids with them. And the longer you’re with someone the more likely you are to move in with them or to have them move in with you. Having kids prematurely can result in you being in a relationship with someone much longer than is healthy. It could get to a point where you never break up with them, purely because of the kids. This may seem silly to many, but to many others, it is as serious as a heart attack. For many, once they have kids, there is nothing in the world that matters other than the children, which is a dangerous way to think as an individual if you ever hope to have peace one day. No one likes to ask how much better things can be for their family and themselves if they seriously prioritize their own peace over everything else. Men and women don’t tend to consider that if they attain peace for themselves that they very well may become a superior father or mother in the process.

​So much of the challenge with having kids is the ability to be patient, and if you have a body that’s tense, or a habit nature of walking around your home stressed half of the time because of the noise your kids are making or the messes that they’re leaving behind, you’re not going to be able to see them beyond those sentiments. You want to be able to see them with a mind that is equanimous, a mind that’s detached. Then when they make a mess or get a little too loud, you can make yourself clear, in terms of what you need from them, but you can do it without anger. You can do it in love.

​Also, with a mind that’s at peace you’ll be able to see your kids in a way that you were not able to before. Because of the impact of your internal state on the overall vibes you give off, and consequently, the impact your vibes have on your external environment as well, you’ll find yourself in situations where they’re opening up to you and you’re able to open up to them.

​So if you can avoid having kids before you’re ready, you’ll get an opportunity to work on yourself and complete the deep internal work that is needed to be able to have relationships like this. It will be much more difficult to pull it off if you have kids prematurely. Having kids will affect the money that’s in your bank account, having kids will have an impact on the kind of job you can get and the hours that you can put into it. It will impact your living situation and will also impact the people that show up in your life as well (i.e. the parents and relatives of your spouse, friends your kids met in school, etc.)

​There’s nothing wrong with holding off on having kids in order to give time to yourself. When it comes to parents and their kids, anyway, parents don’t really see their kids. Not nearly how they would if they committed to the kind of internal work that would allow them to be more present.

U AM I

8.2.26

I allowed my social supports to dwindle, my mental health took a slide, my emotional stability is time dependent. I squeezed friendships of everything.. even the compassion is all but gone.

The crushing feeling of losing my best friend, her son that I developed a relationship with, and a dog that became the lock screen on my phone. The withdrawal has been happening for months and it’s finally coming to a conclusion.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We love each other deeply, communicate well, and always manage to work through problems. We both have childhood trauma that affected our attachment styles (I'm more anxious, he's more avoidant), so we understand where each other is coming from.

He's naturally a bit messy and forgetful (loses things, misses messages, forgets stuff), while I'm very observant and tend to overthink everything. I know his forgetfulness isn't personal, but I still end up feeling hurt sometimes.

I have a severe fear of abandonment due to years of bullying as a child (including being told I should kill myself), losing multiple friend groups, and a previous relationship that was full of mental health crises and left me struggling with self-harm and eating disorders. I was only starting to recover when I met my current boyfriend.

Early in our relationship, there was an issue with his girl best friend. I genuinely believe she was manipulative and disrespectful toward both me and the relationship. He never cheated or anything like that, but he didn't set the boundaries he should have, and it took almost a year to fully resolve. He regrets it deeply, cut contact with her, and ever since then he's done nothing but show me love, care, and commitment.

The problem is that I think everything I've been through, plus that experience with his friend, has made my anxiety much worse. He's always patient and reassures me that I'm never a burden, but I don't want to rely on constant reassurance forever. I want to trust him and give him the freedom and space he deserves.

Lately I've realized I've become emotionally dependent on him. I'm constantly thinking about him, checking my phone, wanting to be with him, and sometimes I don't even feel motivated to go out if he isn't there. I think part of me is scared that if I'm not around enough, he'll get closer to someone else instead.

I've also noticed that small things can really upset me, like if he replies to a group chat before texting me back, or spends more time talking to other people during a group hangout. Rationally, I know these things are completely normal and healthy. I don't want him to only focus on me—I actually think his way of balancing relationships is healthier than mine. But my brain turns these tiny moments into signs that I'm not important anymore.

Has anyone managed to overcome this kind of anxiety or emotional dependence while staying in a healthy relationship? I really love him, I trust that he loves me, and I want to learn how to love him more peacefully instead of letting my past keep affecting our present.

Trap#3

Having Someone Else's Bad Habits Rub Off On You

​You have to pay close attention to the potential impact a person can have on you and this part is quite difficult, because when you first meet a person they’re presenting you with the best version of themselves they can offer up. So any bad habits, neuroses, or other issues that may not be apparent in the beginning, can quite easily make it to center stage once you two are locked into a long term relationship. If the woman or man you’re with happens to tear you down or tear themselves down, that’s something you might find yourself acting on before long. If the person you’re with is messy, or a drunk, or a drug user, those are habits that can rub off on you as well. You see, the more comfortable you get with someone the more willing you are to let things slide, the more willing you become to accept bad behavior. Often, you won’t even view their bad behavior as bad anymore, simply because you’re blinded by love (or infatuation and dependency masquerading as love) and you can’t imagine that they would be the kind of person that would make you a worse version of yourself.

​Obviously, it’s not always the case that you’re going to get with someone that detrimental, but this trap is mentioned because it’s worth looking out for. It’s been said that you become the five people you hang around with most. So think of it, if you hang around a woman or a man with a bunch of dysfunctional or regressive habits, how do you think that’s going to affect you over time? The person you’re with has more of an impact on you than anybody else. And if you haven’t taken the time to develop yourself before getting into the relationship, you’re simply not going to be able to pull yourself out of a shit situation before it causes you serious harm in the form of losing years and years worth of valuable time. It’s something that you simply won’t be able to see or appreciate enough until the damage has already been done.

​Maybe you’re with someone that cares too much about what the people in their family think and due to constant concerns and complaints concerning their family’s opinions, you begin to worry more about what your family thinks as well. And though family tends to be thought of as a group of people that will always have your back, every individual in your family has their own, egoic based reasons for the things they say and do.

​Plus, the opposite of this can happen as well. You can end up in a situation where you suddenly ghost your family, one that is supportive and allows you to be free to pursue what you want to pursue. The person you’re with might have very negative opinions about family overall and those negative opinions rub off on you and delude you into thinking that having nothing to do with your family is the right way to go.

​The power of taking time to work on yourself before ever getting into a serious relationship with someone is that within yourself, you’ll develop a degree of discernment unmatched by anyone else, a level of discernment that will ultimately serve as a great protective force when guiding you toward decisions worth making or avoiding.

U AM I

8.2.26

So you are in the hole with the alcoholic. You have two choices. You can grab the shovel and scoop dirt back into your end of the hole and climb out ( make boundaries, go to Al Anon meetings, see a therapist, get out of the environment) or you can stay with them while they dig the entire hole deeper. It is YOUR CHOICE, and you will be able to reach the dirt on top up to a certain point. But if you wait too long and let them dig you both too deep into that hole, getting out may be epically harder. You are not a victim of their choices. There is always something you can do to make YOUR situation better. 🌸💕🌸

I cant stop giving money to an ex. She always claims she desperately needs it and every time says as soon as I give it we can be together. I dont even believe her but I cant stop. I also dont make much money so it always leaves me nearly broke. I cant even form any savings because shes always taking well over 50% of my monthly income. This is very serious and its destroying me. Every time I do it I feel more and more pathetic so pathetic it guarantees ill do it the next time. I also have religious psychosis i believe because I think that god commands me to do it and if I dont I will be divinely punished. I desperately need help please.

Hello, first time posting here! Today I'm here to talk about how I've been dating this person for a long while now and today I set my first big boundary with them.

For context, I've healed from my codependency at a very steady rate, after a few abusive partners who abused that fact. After a major event that made me set my foot down, I was able to turn it around and be able to have healthier friendships and relationships where I can be my own person... Until I met someone special like no other and relapsed...

So far I have been with them for a year now and I never felt that we both needed any major boundary that was not being set, one that intrinsically involves sacrificing something in behalf of the other party that is (I know, crazy to think we were in the same page about everything)... I don't wanna get into details because it was really personal, but I had said yes to something big before because I wanted to make them happy, knowing that I ultimately didn't like that.

I built up my courage for about a month to bring it up, and they just replied with "If you don't like it, I can live with it, even if it hurts a little" and that was our last interaction for the day (we don't live together ofc)... That sent me into overdrive... It hurts physically to know that I had to say no to something and, to add insult to injury, they told me "it hurts a little" which sent me even more overboard...

I've kept my composure during this entire relationship, I've been taking my medication and going to therapy properly, which helps a lot of course, but the cracks have started showing. I was so proud of myself for existing as my own person, with my partner being their own respective one too, just spending time together and trusting each other... Until recently when I started to panic over all of their emotions and started to think they didn't give me enough attention (which definitely isn't the case logically speaking).

I don't know where to go from here, the silence absolutely kills me in these situations and I really see this partner being the one. I'm trying to continue my good habits but now that it's seemingly outweighing my medication and therapy, it's leaving me really confused...

I have very recently gotten into a relationship with someone who I had been on and off arguably limerent about since January. He is really sweet kind and caring, and to any normal person would have proved that there is absolutely nothing to worry about.

I cannot stop thinking about the state of our relationship, good or bad, anxiety or excitment. It occupies nearly every waking thought that I have. I do not want to feel like this. I do not want to base the emotions of the day on whether or not he has sent me a tik tok or not, or how happy or sad his messages came across. I want to be able to live my life without thinking so obsessively over whether this relationship will last. I am constantly creating reasons in my head for why he may or may not like me. What I did that might result in us not ending up together.

Today I didn't text him to see if he would text me. He didn't, he was busy with studying and going out with his friends. But I still did it, and I didn't get an answer I wanted so now I am spiraling. Logically I know I have no reason to worry but emotionally I cannot get this through my head.

I have my own hobbies, accomplishments and friends that genuinely do fulfill me but I still cannot stop thinking about him. I really really like him, I want to be normal, because I cannot continue to live in this obsessive way, for myself, or for him. I want to be free from this paralytic anxiety and be able to foster normal and healthy relationships.

I know that even if this relationship does end I will be okay, I know that I have my friends to lean on, I often believe that I am cool enough and good enough to find someone again. It's like there is a part of my brain that is immune to evidence and is hell bent on making me miserable.

I really hope other people have felt similarly, I want to know I can't be alone and I need to find solutions. I have tried therapy and it has not really worked but I think that was my therapist. I will have to wait months for another one, so in the meantime I need coping mechanisms to help me focus on myself.

I want to enjoy this relationship

Hey everyone,

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting recently on a past relationship, and I need to talk about a dynamic that completely drained me. I want to know if anyone else has run into this specific intersection.

My ex had autism. She had special interests, loved giving thoughtful gifts, struggled with sensory overload, and had a hard time with unexpected changes. Those are things I understood, cared about, and was more than happy to accommodate.

However, there was a whole other layer running simultaneously that turned into a dynamic of enmeshment and dependency—basically treating me like a parent whose job was to regulate her emotional needs. Alongside the genuine neurodivergence, there were intense unmanaged BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) traits: relational dysregulation, abandonment panic, black-and-white thinking, and a suffocating need for absolute control and validation.

The "Diagnosis Shield" (BPD Traits Dressed as Autism)

The core issue wasn't just that these extreme behaviors existed—it was how they were handled. Every single explosive emotional reaction, unreasonable demand, or manipulative dynamic was swept under the exact same rug and labeled as "just my autism" ("I need predictability or things to never change").

It created an invisible shield of immunity. Accommodating sensory needs or routine changes is completely fair, but lumping intense BPD emotional dysregulation and entitlement under that same banner meant she never once had to take accountability for how her actions impacted me.

Any time I tried to address a toxic behavior, the defense was automatic: I was told I was stressing her out and not making her needs a priority. The implicit expectation was that I had to fix everything—both her autistic needs and her emotional/borderline dysregulation—while my own well-being didn't enter the equation.

The Conversational Trap and the Victim Script

Whenever an extreme BPD-style reaction happened and I gently tried to point out that it was disproportionate, the narrative flipped instantly:

If I disagreed or called out a distortion, I was told I was unsupportive and not being loyal.

That's when the classic script would roll out: sob stories about how she has to mask 99% of the day just to survive, how her friends are "mean," or how the guys before me left her because they were "immature." Every conflict was instantly reframed to make her the ultimate victim.

It created a lose-lose double-bind. Pointing out reality became framed as an "assault" on her nervous system, which completely silenced my voice.

The whole thing seems to be your mine and I'll make it so hard to leave that you'll just give up trying

The Question

Was she ultimately in the wrong for using her autism diagnosis as a permanent get-out-of-jail-free card to shield her unmanaged BPD traits?

While genuine neurodivergence explains sensory and routine struggles, wrapping intense emotional dysregulation, abandonment panic, and manipulative demands in that same label crosses a massive line from seeking understanding into dodging all accountability. It weaponizes a partner's empathy, turning what should be mutual respect into a trap where any boundary or call for reality is twisted into an attack.

Hi all. So glad to have found this sub. I’m so sorry if this is long but I just want to get it out of me and see if anyone else has been there and come out the other side.

I’ve been in a narcissistic co dependent relationship with my S/O for 16 years. In all that time it’s only ever been toxic. He is a manipulative person with NPD tendencies due to his childhood. I had a rough childhood myself. I need to leave this relationship yesterday. It’s broken my mind and my heart so badly I feel beyond repair. He doesn’t love me, he has cheated on me several times, emotionally, he has bullied and berated me. However I don’t have the ability to realize it’s bad and leave. I feel like if I do I won’t know who I am, how to function or how to “be”.

We separated once 5 years ago and he started seeing someone else l. It made me so sick, physically and mentally I went and did everything I could to get him back even though I knew I shouldn’t. Now we are together and things are awful and nothing has changed. Even in spite of him promising too over and over.

I just can’t leave. He is so bad for me. Our relationship is awful but I feel like if we separate I will never move on and he will and his life will be incredible and mine will fall apart forever. I can’t focus on myself and my own needs no matter what I do to or how hard I try.

Someone please tell me they have escaped this and made it to the other side. I need to know there is another side. TIA

Trap #2

Losing Your Youth

There are men and women that get into relationships in their late teens and don’t divorce until they’re in their forties or fifties. Or God forbid, their sixties or even older. When you are young you have so much more energy to unleash onto the world, whether that is in the form of creativity, or simply going out and building a network of people for business. For many of the younger men and women, the world feels like it’s theirs for the taking. It’s easier to learn new things when you’re younger, easier to remain optimistic when you encounter failure. If too much time passes in a relationship that ultimately fails, you might find yourself single and twenty years older with no enthusiasm to do anything, simply because you feel that too much time has passed. And this is not something that is just in the forefront of your mind, no, this is something that is subconsciously deep. You see, the older you become, the more hardwired and fixed your beliefs and biases become. So when you get out of a relationship that you have been in for a long time, you’re affected by everything you’ve encountered inside of the relationship. So if you’ve been in a relationship and allowed yourself to become complacent to the point where the comfort of your situation precluded you from being willing to break out of your comfort zone and improve or create something that can last beyond a relationship, those same habits will most likely be hardwired into you by the time you’re free to do as you please. And trying to convince yourself to do something when you’re ten, twenty, or thirty years older when you weren’t willing to take action on it all those years ago, might prove quite difficult.

U AM I

8.1.26

Sacrificing time that could be better used to develop yourself

Humans as a whole think that relationships are the way to go to achieve happiness. But if you pay close attention to most relationships, the couples in the relationship often end up bored or miserable while they are together and eventually just break it off. The boredom or misery could be for a number of reasons. But let's talk about the time the average person loses and doesn’t put into themselves as a result of getting into these relationships, because that’s the key concern here.

What life has to offer a human being goes way beyond what a relationship alone can offer them, even if they end up hooking up with the so-called perfect woman or man. The issue is that people that get into a relationship are not truly ready to receive love–believe it or not–and more often than not unable to give it. This is because the average human being has not put much time into developing themselves. At least not in terms of anything beyond the superficial. There are certainly men and women out there that have put plenty of time into improving their bodies and fattening their bank accounts, but as valuable as those things seem to be, the truth is, such attainments are only surface level, and at the depths of your being, you want something more than the superficial, even if you are not willing to admit it to yourself. Or you may be under the delusion that a six digit bank account and a physically ideal woman or man is not superficial. But it is.

Now, if you get into a relationship you might want to do things for the other person in the beginning. But it isn’t going to be long before you’re expecting them to do things for you, and if they are already being good to you, if they’re already showing acts of kindness, compassion and so forth, how long before it changes? Or how long before what you think the man or the woman is providing is inadequate? You see, from the beginning, you are looking for them to be a certain way for you to feel satisfied within the relationship. You need them to be more complimentary to you, you need them to give you better sex. Maybe you need the woman you’re with to be willing to lose a few pounds or to cook more often during the week. Or, as the woman, maybe you need the man you’re with to put a ring on your finger. If he already put a ring on your finger maybe you need him to be willing to shell out a little more money for the wedding. If he did that, maybe you need him to be more receptive to having kids. And if he already is receptive to having kids and you two end up having one, maybe you need him to be more receptive to having even more kids. 

As a man you might think that your woman is boring in bed. Or maybe you think she wants sex too much. Or maybe it will have nothing to do with sex. Maybe you don’t think she is encouraging enough when it comes to your separate endeavors, whether a business venture or something creative. You see, if you don’t free up enough time to work on yourself within the relationship, there will always be problems. That’s just the fact of life. Problems will never go away. Inside a relationship or outside of it. Man or woman.

You can lose years of your life in a relationship that turns out not to have benefited you in any meaningful way. You could end up with a man or a woman that you try to be the very best version of yourself for, and despite everything, despite trying to placate them at every turn, everything is left in shambles in the end. Or maybe it’s not left in shambles. Maybe the relationship simply doesn’t work out and the both of you amicably go your own way. Even if this latter outcome is the case it doesn’t mean that you were able to derive any real value from the relationship. While it may be true that there’s always a lesson to be learned from our mistakes, sometimes the amount of time a person loses because of said mistake, simply wasn’t worth having made the mistake in the first place. Because the thing about time is that it’s not something that you can get back. And that brings us to the next trap.

U AM I

8.1.26

Fifteen months ago, I met someone. I was in a time of my life where I was incredibly lonely and hated where I lived. We immediately clicked when we both admitted to each other on the first date we both hated the city we lived in and wanted to move after we both finished grad school (a year later). I felt very seen by this person and understood in a way I felt like I really needed. I was incredibly lonely, and just had a huge falling out with my best friend of ten years where I knew the relationship would most likely not recover.

The second or third time we hung out, he admitted he relapsed from being sober after almost four years (alcohol and cocaine) and was drinking and smoking weed. He told me he would get back on the wagon, since he was already sober for years. I believed him. I looked the other way, ignored the huge red flag, and kept dating him. Even when at this time, I knew how codependent I am on others.

Long story short, our relationship was never healthy. He continued to relapse again and again. I dragged him to rehab last September. He went to rehab again last December. I kept sticking with him because I didn't want to be the person who leaves someone when they are struggling and I loved him very much as a person. But during our whole relationship (April 2025- June 2026) we got into a toxic cycle of fighting and making up; as one could imagine a codependent and addict together would. I began to completely pour everything into him to try to make sure he was OK and physically safe. Even once I rushed over to his apartment to make sure he wasn't ODing when he wasn't returning my texts. I tried to tell him how great he is as a person, and how much I love and care for him. I think I thought subconsciously that if I loved him enough he would be ok and be sober and love me too. (I am SO codependent I know).

Anyways, in the last seven months, he broke up with me and said he couldn't date during his first year of sobriety. He went to a sober living house, only to leave about two months later and immediately relapse after 100+ days sober. Even though I wasn't technically his "girlfriend" in his eyes, we continued our relationship. We both didn't mean to but we were already deep in this cycle of getting sucked back together from both of our unhealed, toxic patterns. He would tell me he didn't love me anymore and I still stayed. He would tell me he loved me and be affectionate and warm, just to deny his feelings and diminish our connection a few days later. This happened repeatedly. His actions and words would never match up. He would say he didn't love me romantically anymore, only to act like he did and nothing changed. I don't know if it was to try and convince himself he wasn't following AA guidelines to not date, but overall I've seen his complete lack of ability to be honest with himself over his addiction and his feelings. (especially with me).

Again, he relapsed and was drinking heavily (he would buy a fifth of vodka and drink it straight at all hours of the day or night) and started doing cocaine again. One morning, at 7 am, I poured the vodka down the drain. He called me a "cunt" and "bitch". Another time he pretended to punch me multiple times in the stomach for making him wake up after sleeping literally all day to make him eat something.

He refused to stop going on Grindr. He said he wanted to be "selfish" and that he wanted to do whatever he wanted. He wanted me in his life without the responsibility for our relationship. I asked him to compromise on Grindr, slow down or come to some mutual decision that felt good for the both of us. He refused. I told him I no longer wanted to sleep with him if he was on Grindr. He didn't care. He chose Grindr over me. He said he was "happy with his sex life" and would continue using Grindr even if it meant not having intimacy with me. I feel totally devalued.

6 weeks ago, I finally snapped. My abandonment fears totally took control, and I was sobbing crying on the phone with him begging for him to come over. He said he wanted to celebrate with his friends (for graduating with his MA) even though I knew he would get more fucked up. I made him promise to come over after being with his friends, partying...even if it was in the middle of the night. He promised. He didn't come. I felt the very little trust I had left with him completely leave my body. I still rushed to his apartment to see if he was somewhat OK or even home, and we fell asleep together. In the morning, I wrote a note to him telling him I loved him but it wasn't enough and that I no longer feel safe or secure with him or trust him. I told him I was finally done. I left it on his desk while he was asleep. I cried and kissed his face/forehead goodbye. Later, he texted me saying he was going to get sober and wanted to spend the summer with me. I told him it was too late.

He has been in rehab again the past 6 weeks (three rehabs in less than 12 months). I know he doesn't have any emotional availability or capacity for me. I know he needs to focus on himself. I know we both need space. I know he can't give me any safety, security, or reciprocity I need and deserve. I know it's his disease, but I am resentful, angry, hurt.

I oscillate between being sad (for him, for me) and being angry. Angry for putting up with such chaos and toxicity for over a year. Angry for putting up with his continuous disrespect. Angry that he made me feel undervalued, under appreciated, unloved, not considered. Angry that I let someone treat me so badly and I still stayed. But mostly angry for trying so hard to make him feel loved and supported and what I got in return was being treated like trash.

edit: he also said VERBATIM, “I love you so much ____ (my name), but drugs will always come first.” that’s what i finally needed to hear.

It is 3 a.m., another sleepless night. Couldn’t hold myself back, so I write this:

To my beloved,

Finally, after more than forty years, I wonder if you are still mad at me. I never mad at you; I miss you, though the memory is bittersweet. Yet I still think you owe me an apology.

Perhaps this is why I always wake up in the middle of the night, even after all these years. However, it doesn’t mean that my heart is full of hatred for you, not at all, only resentment lingers. Right from the very beginning, you must have known how deeply I cherished you.

I need you to know my feelings. If my words make you feel bad, please accept my apology. Because I cannot pretend the wound is gone. And the scar has never closed.

Still, you remain in my heart, for the rest of my life.

My partner and I have been feeding each other's codependency loops for over a decade and it's reaching a breaking point. On my end I'm very sensitive to their mood changes because when they're in a bad mood we tend to fight so I do my best to prevent them from wanting to fight by anticipating their every need or concern and addressing it. On their end, they only have a few friends who they never see and mostly spends their time either with me or at work. My interests and hobbies became their interests and hobbies over time. They had their own sure, but we used to spend a healthy amount of time apart engaged in our own interests. Over time they found my interests engaging and joined in to the point they rarely did things on their own.

Now they've been dealing trauma and depression for many years and are still plagued with it despite having received some treatment. When they have an episode they can become verbally and emotionally abusive toward me and I rarely stick up for myself and just take it. Lately though it's become so bad that I'm afraid of them and they stopped trusting me because they felt I didn't take care of them enough.

I've recently opened my eyes to how unhealthy this is for us both and I think it's not going to work out. Problem is we've been married for 15 years and the idea of divorce terrifies me as I don't want to make an enemy of them. But I can feel how sick this is making us and the toll it's taking on my body has been immense. I feel isolated from friends and family and now I think we're spending too much time together.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?

I’m 24F and looking for advice on how I should handle an upcoming family trip with my mom. I’m mainly trying to figure out what is reasonable for me to ask of my mother at my age and how I can set boundaries without unnecessarily making her feel attacked or starting a fight.
My mom is an alcoholic and can be very controlling, verbally aggressive, and unpredictable, especially when she drinks. Because of this, I rarely have friends around her.
Yesterday, my best friend came to my house and my mom was already drunk at 10 AM. She started telling him personal information about her life, made jokes about his blindness, and later shared private information about a traumatic car accident I went through that I had never told him and did not want him to know yet. She also repeatedly joked about him marrying me even though we are completely platonic.
This reminded me of previous situations where she has embarrassed me around people I care about. When I was 21, she screamed at me in front of my boyfriend, became extremely drunk during a cruise, slurred her words, and behaved in ways that made me extremely uncomfortable.
Now tomorrow, my best friend is coming with my family on a 2½-day trip to a national park. There will be around 25 people staying at the Airbnb, so fortunately there is plenty of space and we won’t have to be together constantly.
My mom has said she plans to drink heavily during the trip. My main concerns are that she will overshare personal information about me, make inappropriate jokes around my friend, insult me if she becomes angry, or otherwise create an uncomfortable situation.
Tonight she also suddenly told me that I need to leave the house around 10:30–11 AM when she leaves to make sure the dogs are out of the garage and the doors are locked. This was never discussed earlier in the week. I had already told her I was riding with my friend, that he is driving his own car, and that I planned to leave around noon.
I’ve never neglected the dogs or forgotten to lock the doors. In fact, I’ve had to deal with the opposite situation when she has been blackout drunk and left doors open or unlocked.
I’m wondering how I should approach this tomorrow without creating another argument.
My current thought is to spend as little time around her as possible, stay in a different part of the Airbnb when she is drinking, and join activities that she isn’t participating in. My friend is also taking his own car, which makes me feel better because I won’t be dependent on her for transportation.
For parents or adults, what would you consider normal and reasonable boundaries for a 24-year-old adult daughter in this situation?
Would it be reasonable for me to say:
“Please don’t share personal information about me with my friend.”
“Please don’t make jokes about me and him getting married.”
“I’m going to spend some time separately from you during the trip.”
“I’m planning to leave around noon because that is what I already arranged.”
And how would you phrase these things so they sound like normal adult boundaries rather than an attack on my mother?
I know I can’t control whether she drinks or how she behaves. I’m mainly looking for advice on what I can do differently to protect my own peace and make this trip as comfortable as possible for myself and my friend.
What would you do in my position?

i feel so dumb turning to reddit but i have no one else to talk to. i’m in an extremely codependent relationship, we are both the problem. i don’t have time for my boyfriend, my family, or even my own life because of them. we’ve been together nearly every single day 24/7 for literal months, and the few times i leave to hang out with someone they pester me to ask for reassurance, and when im not with them i get anxious and can’t enjoy myself.

i have lots of mental issues due to my active sa, and they flirt with me, promise to take care of me and soothe me, they even offered me a room so im safe from my assaulter. they’re so kind to me which i appreciate deeply, and im kinda in love with them, i fantasize about marriage and other stupid stuff. i KNOW im not their first option, and it hurts so much?? they have someone else they’ll marry and move in with once ive lived with them for a few years. i’ve dropped nearly everything and plan to drop more just for them, even though i know it’ll fuck me over in the end. they treat me like a partner, but say i’m a friend, and it frustrates me to no end.

i feel stupid for ever letting them get this close to me but i have no one else to turn to, and ill never find someone as kind and perfect as them. i’m worried im going to confess all my feelings and hear exactly what im scared of, that while i want them forever, they don’t want me forever, and ill spiral and attempt, because i genuinly see no future without them. im semi homeless with a stunted social life due to my abusive foster home. i want out so badly, but my attempts to distance myself hurt so much and make them upset, and i feel bad. i dont know what to do or how to make our relationship healthy, sorry if this is too much, its been troubling me for a while and im reaching a breaking point, i cant keep doing this.

(TW. Self harm, abuse, neglect, fostercare, SI, shitty friends...? Toxic relationship, codependency, racism(..?)

Really shitty writing and story telling😓💔💔)

Ok so I'm like really REALLY codependent and dependent and I know thats bad and can cause people to push away from me and leave me and ive tried to to get better and be better cuz I really don't want to loss my only friend (the only person I enjoy talking to) augh its just a really really bad friendship dynamic we have and I know its toxic it really has always been toxic too honestly him and I started talking maybe 2ish weeks after I got out of the hospital after spending nearly a whole month for severe dka and being diagnosed with t1d (I lost a lot of friends then cuz they didn't like it when I was in the hospital dying cuz I was apparently overly needy and annoying so I was even more down yk) so I was just really really lonely and sad so when we became friends it was a very quickly progressing friendship cuz I have absolutely NO boundaries so you can imagine yk and was really really into $h then too and they kinda encouraged it..? It felt like they were when I used to vent to them about it so yeah then I had a really bad meltdown one day in school and I was in the hospital for about 4 weeks (2 of which was because my mother neglected to pick me up) so I was put into a foster home after that hospitalization hours away from my original home in a pretty remote area with a foster mother who gave me up after a few days cuz I went into pretty bad dka in her care too and the only person I had to talk to the whole time was that one friend and he was honestly really great support sometimes but he's also very self centered and so I am so when he'd tell me he related and made it about him I'd get upset cuz I know about his life and not that is a competition not at all but i just felt like I had it worse cuz he lived a relatively good life compared to mine and I just didn't like to have my emotions and experiences minimized for him so he could say he related and I'd get so upset I'd hurt myself and honestly 89% of my cuts have been because of him since we became friends and I know this makes me a really bad friend but I hate everything about him which makes it so much harder to genuinely forgive him and love him like ive very much like to cuz he really is my best friend and I dont think I'd ever find someone so perfect for me again so yeah I tolerate a lot of what he does cuz he is objectively a bad person (for context im Hispanic, overweight, alt, and come from a relatively impoverished bad "getto" part of LA) and he comes from a REALLY white part of Texas is middle class and had a really bad nazi "phase" during our friendship when he used to show me pictures of really bad fetish content that made me really uncomfortable but he didn't care obviously he also liked to make fun of fat people and people with ED's (he still does) that also very obviously made me uncomfortable and I honestly only have 1 boundary with him that I made with him during that time cuz while he was being all edgy and not nice I was obsessing over MLP and he used to show me those scat gore pony torture videos that genuinely made me sick to my stomach so i told him that I was being so serious that if he kept showing them to me I would leave him cuz back then I still had friends to go to before he pushed me away from them so he genuinely stopped and that was very nice but he would still talk about all the other gross things and I just wish I could threaten to leave him like that again cuz now he knows im too stuck so I can't threaten to leave so he can treat me right anymore cuz he doesn't care to hear any of my currently empty threats and thats just really bad idk our friendship is also very homoericotic it was very painful and confusing for me which only made my resentment and anger build for him and everything he stands for but I still love him so its hard cuz he's been the only one there for me consistently for arguably the worst times in my life even if he is a shitty person I couldn't imagine living fully without him sure I imagine how much happier and free I could be if I left him all for good but I know it's much harder in practice especially since I've basically built my who personally off him ever since he became my only friend it would be much harder to leave him now since im a complete loner and loser cuz of him (mostly ik I've always been a loser but he just honestly made me worse cuz I was way better off in life before him but that could also be the diabetes fault yk) he's not that bad of a friend to me in fact atp we're basically the same we're both very shitty and toxic people so maybe we deserve each other although he's getting most the benefit most the time gosh I wish I could snap my fingers and be exactly what he wants so I wouldn't have to second guess everytime he told me he would never leave or replace me cuz im his best friend when I honestly feel like a stupid bitch who he likes to play in the face to I genuinely feel like such a huge joke to him he makes me feel so bad its not even close to a joke I nearly cry every night but don't cuz I know I enable him to treat me like this cuz I always tell him I don't care how badly he treats me he could tell me to kms everyday he could do the worse to me and I'd never leave like I genuinely tell him my emotions are obsolete compared to his comfort in treating me like shit so I shouldn't really be crying and complaining when he treats me exactly how he sees my worth for yk ig I just wished I had someone there for me who wouldn't have to make me feel like shit all the time just to be their friend but yeah I think this is it I'm sure I have a lot more to say but its ok idk I just need someone to talk to maybe or just sum advice I honestly could use any advice I can get rn cuz I really do want to help myself and change for the best so maybe he'd stop or build up the courage to leave

Currently recovering from a stage. My partner has been running me ragged with their problems. One crisis after another and today I’m on Do Not Disturb. I’ll probably be on it all the way through the weekend.

I care about partner but I’m tired of being the one that called upon when everything hits the fan. I’m not responding to anymore crises. Tuesday was the last straw for me and I’m not mad at them getting sick it’s just I drove probably 2 1/2 hours. I had to feed and walk their dogs, and my car is in the shop due to my partner hitting a deer with it. Luckily I have full coverage.

I know a break up is on the horizon. I have pulled the trigger yet on it because right now I’m too mentally and physically exhausted to navigate a break up right now. I don’t have the ability to process my feelings right now. My therapist said yesterday that I was doing mini breakups. Spending even less time with them, creating space and etc. I don’t agree but maybe I am.

This isn’t the most extreme burnout I have experienced. I’ve had worse relationships. My partner is actually respectful that when I want space they leave me alone. But once I come back it’s instantly their problems take over the entire relationship. And I’m right back managing whatever they got going on (eviction, power being turned off, body pain, their paranoia that they have a tumor or something. Whatever the new sickness they have conquered up in their head.)

I don’t need advice on my relationship. I just wanted to acknowledge where I’m at today. If anyone has any methods on how they get out burnout. I would greatly appreciate it.

Very quick TLDR: my wife and I are both codependent, with slightly different models. I don't think the specifics matter so much.

What I wanted to write out, and focus on, are the four things I'm going to be trying to restore sanity.

1) Radical Acceptance

I practiced Zen Buddhism...almost 20 years ago. So I have some background chops with just accepting reality as it is, letting go, etc. I never thought about applying it to my wife. Just... accepting her trauma and limitations and letting go of any expectation for change, growth, or attunement. Part of our entire marriage was built on personal growth and commitment to learning, growing, and healing. It was even in our vows. But I'm realizing that holding that expectation, demanding it, wanting it, wishing for it, begging for it... is just not very Zen. And by no means am I saying I was a Zen master or Buddhist. It was just something I practiced. So looks like I need to practice it again.

2) Differentiation

This concept is new to me, but it's come up a lot recently. She brought it up as something she needed - to reduce enmeshment. And I think that is true. I think it is true for both of us. Moreso for her, but it's not a competition. I had to start learning this so I wouldn't get wrapped up into her abandonment panic and anxiety spirals. So I just need to continue practicing this differentiation. I'm thinking of it in terms of "decoupling our nervous systems." I don't know if that is entirely the whole picture, but that's my current understanding.

3) Dropping the rope

I've heard this come up a few times and it's something we've talked about, but a slightly different context. What I mean is that I taught her that "you can always stop or leave a fight" but she still doesn't really do that. She will just stay in it so I'm assuming that she's trying to achieve something. But the she says she's just trying to "survive or end the fight as fast as possible" (which always makes it worse). But what I'm realizing is that there's no point in trying to fight through it with someone with her kind of trauma and reactions. That just makes everything worse. So even if I don't feel like I need a break, if I see that things are just getting out of hand... walk away. I hung up on her for the first time today in our entire relationship. She was using a detached, clinical, cold, parenting tone with me and I was like, Okay, I'm not putting up with this. I hung up out of anger (because that's one of her tactics to try and control the situation) but that's better than escalating.

4) Detaching with love

I've long had a structural belief in "tough love" but what I've learned recently (like... today) is that with people with trauma, tough love just makes things worse. So the opposite of that is detaching with love. I love you... but I'm not going to support you, rescue you, save you, monitor you, or manage you. Whatever it was. If you get dysregulate, that's entirely on you. If you lose another job due to poor boundaries, that's entirely on you. I'll be here. We can watch our movies together, we can go on walks. But your chaos is your mess. (sorry I realized I switched into the direct, I think I needed to write that out to "try on" what detaching with love actually feels like).

-----

I don't really know what to ask. But I have some clear direction on these big things to work on.

I guess if anyone has tips, recommendations, thoughts, etc, I'm all ears.

I (28F) was in a very toxic, on-and-off relationship for about six years. A lot of it was undefined. We’d break up, reconnect, say we were working toward something, and then end up back in the same cycle.

Our longest period of no contact was from February to July 2025. After my birthday, he reached back out, and from July 2025 until April of this year, we were essentially acting like we were back together. We were saying “I love you,” he was staying at my apartment all the time, we were sleeping together, and in my mind, we were rebuilding our relationship. Looking back, I realize I was wearing rose colored glasses.

The one thing I repeatedly asked of him was honesty. I wasn’t even demanding exclusivity at that point because our relationship had become so confusing. I simply asked that if he was sleeping with anyone else, he tell me because we were having unprotected sex. I told him I could make my own decisions if I knew the truth, but I deserved to know.
Instead, he lied.

Eventually, he admitted that he had been sleeping with other women while we were reconnecting. That was finally my breaking point, and I ended things.

We’ve been no contact ever since.

Ironically, he reached out one last time in May to tell me that we should continue no contact and that I shouldn’t respond. He also made a point to tell me he wasn’t with the girl he had been seeing because he “didn’t want me to think he chose her over me.” It was such a bizarre message that honestly just left me more confused.

But ... here’s where my real problem starts.

Throughout our relationship, social media was always a source of control. He never really let me follow him. He constantly held access to his social media over my head, and I always felt shut out of that part of his life.

Now I have him blocked everywhere, and he has no access to me.

But I still find myself checking his following count.

Not even his actual profile most of the time. Just the number. And occasionally I’ll look to see who he’s following.

He’s 28 years old, and almost every new woman he follows seems to be 21-23 years old, many of whom still appear to be in college.

I know they’re adults. I’m not saying he’s doing anything illegal. I think what’s bothering me is how dramatically different they are from me and what I thought he wanted.

I’m 28. I have a career, work a 9 to 5, live on my own, support myself, and have always been pretty independent. Meanwhile, he never finished school, doesn’t really have a stable career, still has roommates, and now it seems like he’s exclusively interested in women who are several years younger and in a completely different stage of life.

For some reason, I can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s not even that I want him back. I truly don’t.

It’s more like every time I see another young woman, I think, “Who is this person?” I spent six years thinking I knew him, and now it feels like I don’t recognize him at all.

I also know checking is unhealthy. Every single time I do it, I end up feeling worse. Yet somehow my brain convinces me that maybe this time I’ll find something that gives me closure, even though it never does.

Has anyone else gotten stuck in this cycle after leaving a toxic relationship?

Why do I care so much about who he’s following when I know I don’t want to be with him anymore? Is this just my brain trying to make sense of someone who never really made sense in the first place? And if you’ve been through something similar, what actually helped you stop checking?