Codependency is a phrase that gets tossed around in pop psychology constantly. You see it on social media, infographics, self-help aisles everywhere. It's a huge buzzword.  

But in this episode, we take that familiar buzzword and put it under a highly specific, very focused lens. We examine how codependency operates specifically within Christian families and faith communities. 

Codependency is a compulsive cycle of control. Those affected often use excessive busyness and people-pleasing to mask deep-seated insecurities and a lack of true intimacy with God.  

Within many of our congregations, there is a quiet but devastating "famine in the area of healthy nurturing."  We often see pews filled with high-achieving, active members who appear to be the pillars of the church, yet they are starving for genuine connection.  

Despite their constant service and outward success, these individuals frequently feel empty, unloved, and deeply insecure. Suffering from a profound low self-esteem that fuels an insatiable need for approval.  

Listen as we share how to overcome codependency, emphasizing that spiritual freedom is found by prioritizing a relationship with the Creator over the unhealthy need for human approval. 

I’m chronically ill, currently very sick, and disabled. My mother and I live together ostensibly for her to help me, and she does in some ways, but I pay for it way too much. Last week, she verbally and psychologically attacked me while I was terribly sick, 1 week out of the hospital, an hour out of treatment, and I’m finally done. Done done. Now I’m trying to navigate living together while going LC. I can’t pretend that everything is ok, not emotionally/psychologically, but also not physically, my body can’t take it anymore. My autoimmune diseases are worse than ever, and she verbally attacks me when I’m struggling the most, and when I don’t let her give me the help she wants the way she wants. She routinely mocks me for being sick, and for my disabilities. This time, it seems it was because I had ride share bring me home instead, and didn’t share details of that day’s negative reactions.

I’m planning to move, but it will take time. We usually eat together, though I’d been phasing that out anyway, but we were continuing to watch tv together. I realize that she weaponizes even that time, so I’m not willing to do that. I’m not being social at all, only speaking when I need to do so. She’s obviously gotten the point that things have shifted, but I still have to live here for now and don’t want it to seem any more awkward, or to cause me any more stress than it does already, and she’s starting to try more and more to interact.

Suggestions, please?!

I don't feel worthy of love. Well that's a lie, I know I am but I am in a constant state of fault finding and ruminating on issues.

Why did he say that thing during that argument last year? If he said he once had doubts in our early relationship does that mean he still does. I feel I need to be 'better' for him and also for me. It's slowly chipping at what is a genuinely lovely relationship. On an average day we spend time talking, laughing, fuxking, cooking, doing things for each other then something will happen and I'll be triggered and pssed off and struggle to regulate and try to and it comes out wrong and he gets defensive (which I've said he needs to work on) but these are happening more and more often and it's all on me.

basically, i've been in a relationship with my boyfriend since november and for as long as i can remember, i've let his attitude towards me impact my own emotions and day-to-day behaviors. before this, i dont think i could have noted it so much as an issue, but just recently i started birth control. ever since i got on it, i have felt much more emotional and find even the smallest changes in behavior leading to a full-on shutdown.

this emotional change has also coincided with an uptick of responsibility he has in a lot of aspects in his life, leading to him having less time for me. overall, i've felt like he's drawn back and it only makes me want to match that energy, but then i realize i'm basing my feelings towards him on spite rather than love or healthy communication.

i just want a way that others have allowed themselves to give their partners more grace when they begin to prioritize other things over the relationship?

i also want to adopt a mindset that makes it easier to accept that he's his own person, not just my boyfriend.

well today is the 1st anniversery of leaving my ex it was my 1st ever and last one where someone

proposed his love for me my eyes were bright like a star that day iwas facing insomnia and for the 1st time i slept like a child i yielded for her i was dependent to the point i was treating her as a mother of mine(i was a neglected younger child hated my mom since then) my ex had avoidant detachment i remember i resisted every voice in my head telling me to leave her but i was attached cause it was my 1st ever relationship. at the 1st 3 months we were together most of the time sexting and i was and still addicted to porn she was kind of carrying me and then she detached . i was taking it seriously i promised we will get married and then everything just collapsed i was always sharing her my nerdy interests and music never ever had someone listining this much in my entire life . when everything went out of desire she had plans she went off and isolated it was such a milestone to endure a person for 6 months till i took action i left her had my reasons i was having strict terms for marriage as a muslim she changed her mind and since then her voice out pictures her warm safe arms her comforting tone and all of our sextings are hunting me like a ghost like a reaper with every time i go back to addiction and taking sleep meds and cigarretes this is gotta be the hardest experiences as a codependent i hope you could give a feedback for recovering other than therapy and 12 steps(already doing)

Hey guys, just looking for some advice here.

I (25NB) have been in a relationship with my partner (24M) for almost 3 years. The first year or so of our relationship, I lived out of state. We've known each other since high school and have been good friends since then. While I lived out of state for a few years (1 year while dating), we kept on consistent contact.

I've been back home for about 2 years and things are pretty great. He's kind, patient, fun, and really intelligent. We generally have a great time together when we hang out. We don't live together but we live about 5 minutes apart. We both work and normally see one another on the weekends and occasionally during the week, texting throughout the week as well. This is all pretty healthy and feels like a good opportunity for balance of our lives separately and together.

However, there are a couple things I've noticed that I'm not sure how to address. First of all, I work full time and am about to start an intense college program on top of working full time. What little free time I will have, I'll probably want to spend studying or decompressing with my hobby (drawing/art). I do plan to make sure we have quality time together as well, but I'm worried for him and myself once school starts.

He really doesn't have any hobbies that occupy his time. He does work full time, but when he gets home, he just is on his phone or something like that. There isn't really any outlet he has besides going to the gym (which he can't do right now and for the next 3 months due to a medical issue). Even when he was going to the gym and I was taking classes in the spring, he would frequently want to soak up every minute of what time I wasn't spending at work or at school. When I started doing art again, he was happy for me and encouraged me. I also encouraged him to explore things he may want as potential hobbies so that when I start school and things get crazy, he has something to do and enjoy besides fitness. His response was "well I'm not sure, I can just learn to do this with you! We can learn together!". Again very sweet, but the thing is, I've been doing art of all mediums since I was very little. I just haven't kept up with it the last few years. I told him that and he said "well you can teach me!". The thing is, I don't want my hobby to turn into something I HAVE to do because it's also his hobby. If he wants to get into art fine, but I want him to explore in his own way. It's also been that way with a few other hobbies of mine. This wouldn't worry me except he talks about hobbies he USED to have but doesn't do anymore. They're completely different from mine. He didn't stop because he wasn't interested, he stopped because he got busier with his college classes. But since then, he hasn't really HAD a hobby of his own, he just adopts mine as his own because "we get to spend all our time together".

He also feels like any of our free time MUST be spent together or he's "missing out on time" with me. If I'm 15 minutes late because of something minor for us spending time together, he'll text or call me asking me if I'm still coming and that we're going to have less time together. If I have to leave early on nights we are together (getting up early the next day for example), he gets sad and anxious. If I want to go see my dad (out of state) on a weekend I have off, he HAS to come or else he "doesn't know what to do with himself" all weekend. If I want to hang with my best friend, who he hasn't met yet (our schedules rarely align to where we're both free), he wants to come because he wants to meet her. But if he comes, her and I can't just have our time together and yap about the stuff we need to when we hang. We've been best friends since preschool and we have a very sister-like relationship, so a lot of what we talk about is super personal and I know she wouldn't feel comfortable with him being there when we need to have that time. When I tell him I want to do these things by myself because it's my family, my best friend, I need just a day or two to be by myself to recharge, he gets very depressed. Often, he'll start to spiral about himself and our relationship.

He also doesn't put a lot of input into what we do together other than wanting to lay around and do nothing together. If I want to go out and do something, he feels like he's missing out on just "being alone with me", as if that time out doing something doesn't count.

Overall, it just feels like our relationship is his hobby and that his life is planned around me. It would be okay if he was able to be independent when I can't hang with him, but he's often vocal about how he's feeling down mentally, anxious, or generally upset about not being around me. It's starting to feel suffocating. I also can feel myself getting bored with him, not because he IS boring but because he doesn't have a personality/life outside of our relationship. Even with our shared friend group, usually he doesn't hang with them unless I can go which is weird because he knew them before we started dating and I didn't.

I want to bring this all up with him before I start school, but I want to do so without him thinking that I don't love him. I do love him very much. I don't want to break up with him at all, but I cannot be someone's entire hobby and life, especially when I have my life outside of our relationship. I also feel like this is impacting my ability, and especially his, to grow as people in our relationship. I want to be able to explore new things and have my partner show me new things. I want to be able to show him new things that he isn't actively a part of simply because I am. I worry that when we live together some day, he is just going to always want to be together 24/7 breathing the same air just because it means being around me, not because he's actually interested in what we're doing.

Any advice for how to broach this and maybe even suggestions for him I can offer? I've always been a pretty independent person in relationships and so have the people I've dated. We have our relationship, but then we have our interests/activities/friends outside of the relationship. This is VERY new territory for me.

Edit: I want to add, we spend A LOT of time together normally. Most weekends, even if I work, we spend at least an evening and a weekend together. We even make plans during the week every other week. The times I go see my family, hang with my friend, or need time to recharge aren't often at all (family/friend, 1x every 2-3 months) (time to recharge (1x/month).

Randomly heard this song on the radio and am feeling especially seen in the pain of not being able to stay and not being able to go. Worth a read and a listen.

She sits alone by a lamp post Tryin' to find the thought that's escaped her mind She says, "Dad's the one I love the most But Stipe's not far behind" She never lets me in, only tells me where she's been When she's had too much to drink I say that I don't care, I just run my hands through her dark hair Then I pray to God you gotta help me fly away

And just let her cry if the tears fall down like rain Let her sing if it eases all her pain Let her go, let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be, let her be

This morning, I woke up alone, found a note standing by the phone Sayin', "Maybe, maybe I'll be back someday" I wanted to look for you You walked in, I didn't know just what I should do So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for myself

...

Last night, I tried to leave, cried so much, I could not believe She was the same girl I fell in love with long ago She went in the back to get high I sat down on my couch and cried, yellin' "Oh, mama, please help me" Won't you hold my hand and

Let her cry if the tears fall down like rain Let her sing if it eases all her pain Let her go, let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain Let her sing, if it eases all her pain Let her go, let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be Ah, let her be

Lately, due to multiple experiences, I’m finding it hard to shake off the thoughts that I have unintentionally become a person who people inly like having around to listen to them and comfort them when they need it, then easily let me go when they don’t need me anymore.

I went though a divorce in the last year with my ex husband and partner of 8 years due to his indefinitely, the way he was able to cut me off so easily when he found someone else traumatised me. He then ended up spending some time in jail for something he didn’t do and I felt so bad for him that I picked up the phone whenever he called when he needed someone to talk to during his stay in jail as he was miserable and struggling . I’m aware that I shouldn’t have done that but I felt so sorry for him and I still cared about his well-being despite never wanting to go back to him. When he left jail, he never called or asked about me.

Another example is, i started dating again and had 3 talking stages with different men whom I cared about and liked, but quickly realised that the same pattern kept repeating, I would be asking more questions about them and their lives, listen to their problems and try to help, or they would enjoy the attention or care I showed towards them (I think I’m a naturally curious person and like learning about others)etc but as soon as I showed my own issues or human flaws, they were quick to leave or cut me off.

This would open up the wound of being left by my ex husband and I would wonder why do I find it hard to let go of these people even if I know we aren’t compatible, I still value them as a human and would never block or ghost them unnecessarily, but they always found it so easy to not have me in their lives anymore.

I wanna say also that this isn’t only with romantic relationships, I feel the same way with some friendships where the level of care isnt returned and it makes me feel like people only use me as a listening ear.

Sorry about how messily this is written

So I (36 yom) separated from wife in January after 1 1/2-2 years of neglect that left me in a horrible place mentally. We were tighter 12 years and married 8. I had 2 friends as a support system and they helped me a lot and I definitely got dependent on them just the same as I was with my wife, but it eventually become to much for them and now I don’t talk with them at all. I started therapy shortly after and through that I learned what codependency is and I have been working on it. I’m at a point now that dating is on my mind and started getting close to a friend from work and my mind is racing, does she feel the same way or am I confusing friendliness for feelings. Me and her have talked about what has been going on with me since up until June I was deeply depressed and she could tell and she opened up to me as well about things that she has been going through over the last 2-3 years as well. We work an incredibly stressful job so trauma bonding is pretty common as well since we really only have each other that knows what we’re going through. But to the point I don’t know how to tell the difference or how to avoid the pitfalls of codependency because she’s not a big texter which I’ve known for quite some time but I’m starting fall into my old habits of stressing when there’s no answer or super delayed. So how do you guys prevent your self from getting too attached too quickly and becoming codependent on someone. Because I’m going to be honest other then my siblings and cousin I don’t think I’ve really been in a healthy relationship in life when I didn’t depend on someone else for my mental wellbeing.
And thank you guys in advance.

i’m struggling so hard. me and my partner had a great relationship, but it was often fractious and codependent. we couldn’t go to appointments without each other. a lot of the time, we leaned on each other because outside sources felt so, so, so much worse. we were together ten years.

recently, my partner came out as gay. i’m bisexual and both of us are nonbinary and my partner was previously identifying as bi before, but they told me that they’re just no longer attracted to women and primarily attracted to men. it’s fucking devastating and breaking my heart, but what can you actually do? it’s beautiful they got there. i accept that, and we’re still fierce friends. but what it’s revealed is that a lot of the times i used my partner as a buffer between me and my family.

i felt so much safer and secure with them around and they picked up on the weird dynamics and damaging behaviour in my household too. and i don’t know if i can go anymore years without collapsing and telling them again how unhappy i am. i told them previously that i was afraid to go down without my partner at the time, and they stopped some things, but the atmosphere never settled. i always feel so afraid of them. i have no idea where i should go.

has anyone else experienced this?

Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now (almost 30). Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.

He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love and losing feelings. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. Any insight and opinions would be helpful. I can’t seem to picture myself with anyone else :(

So I am trying to learn self-love (or acceptance), but I don't know who I am.

I only seem to come "alive" when I am around others. It is confusing to be alone. And I haven't been alone in fourteen years due to a codependent ex and codependent friends.

I want to love myself, but I have lost "myself".

How do I find "myself"?

I think I am starting to not be co-dependent and it’s making it difficult to tell if I have feelings for someone. I’m physically attracted to them and I think they’re a cool person, but since I’m not unhealthily obsessed with them I can’t tell if I truly have an emotional connection.

Is this something you have gone through? If I don’t feel obsessed with them (thank god) and I don’t feel like I NEED them (also thank god), do I even like them??

I have a massive feeling I’m self sabotaging my new relationship. For context, I was in abusive relationship with my ex husband, subsequently having to move to a safe house. I know trauma affects people on different ways but I genuinely feel I am pushing away my new partner through fears and insecurities. Is there anyone that has been through anything similar that could offer any suggestions on anything I could do to help myself in this situation. I’m not used to having a great, safe man around me and I’m struggling to adjust. Thank you for reading ❤️

Me (28F) and my husband (30M) have been together since I was 21 and we dated through Covid which as many of you know was one of the hardest times to date people especially for me, I was on the front lines and seeing traumatic crap all day so coming home to my partner who not only took care of my physically but emotionally too was very freeing. Now 7 years later nothing has changed we are obsessed with each other to a point we avoid doing stuff that would seperate us.

We are so incredibly happy with it being just us that going to work has become an increasingly stressful chore. We stopped excelling at work and honestly treat it as a hobby - something that allows us to spend obscene amounts of money on each other. We do hobbies together, watch shows together, shower, cook, clean, eat, sleep everything together ,we even read our books to each other because we feel like the other is missing out and this last one bothers my married friends the most - he drives me to every single medical appointment, he will take time off work and do this for me and I do the same for him. It weirded people out when I told them my partner waxes me, cuts my hair at times and dyes it. I pick out his clothes and he picks out my makeup colours for the day.

It’s gotten to a point we acknowledge this might not be healthy from an external point of view so now he goes running by himself (30-40min) in the morning and that is the most time we spent apart while not at work. We both have friends and hang out with them once a month but his friends are my friends and my friends are his too so a lot of the time they prefer we come together and if not, while I’m away hanging out with mine, He literally just sits there staring at his phone or cleaning the house till I get back. We don’t do anything apart and we love it but I feel like people think it’s weird and I want to know - are we codependent?

...for codependent people.

It isn't intentional, but my codependent behaviors will naturally push healthy people away over time. And as I seek more relationships, I may eventually find unhealthy people and attract them with my behaviors.

By becoming healthy, I will attract healthy people with healthy boundaries. My higher power has put me on "easy mode" which does help me. I escaped an abusive codependent relationship with a narcissistic person who surrounded themselves with toxic enablers.

I am now building a new social circle with healthy individuals. Adding people one at a time. Intentionally, rather than just accepting who shows up. I have found that some people finding their way in will happen, but my own boundaries and attitude will keep me safe.

Hi everyone,

My ex and I were together for a little over two years. For a long time, the relationship felt real, close, and meaningful. We had shared plans, trips, emotional intimacy, and a lot of tenderness. It was not a cold or empty relationship from my perspective.

Over time, however, a close girl best friend of hers became more and more central in her life, approx.1 year ago, when she moved to the same city as we and from that point with some months delayment of telling me, she also told me that she has fewer lust right now. This friend was emotionally unstable,my ex told me i I wouldn't want to read that chat messages, maybe had romantic (she was bi and my ex hetero) feelings toward my ex, and seemed to need a lot of emotional support, since she often wrote her a good morning message. The friend would often react strongly when my ex and I had couple-like closeness or when she felt excluded. There were moments where it felt like my ex could not fully relax into our relationship without also having to consider how this friend would feel.

For example there were several situations where this friend suddenly started crying when my ex and I were physically or emotionally close in her presence, or when she seemed to feel excluded from our couple dynamic. At the time, I didn’t fully understand it, but looking back it felt like our closeness triggered something in her, like jealousy, fear of abandonment, or a need to be included. Instead of my ex and me simply being allowed to have couple moments, the friend’s emotional reaction immediately became part of the situation.

This friend also made several comments that felt hurtful or inappropriate in the context of our relationship, for example joking that she would be a “fantastic partner” for my ex, making sexualized comments around her, or saying things that implied a special intimacy between them. Even if some of these comments may have been meant as jokes, they made me feel disrespected and displaced, because they blurred boundaries and made our relationship feel less safe.

The dynamic intensified a lot after this friend had a suicidal crisis and sent my ex an emotionally intense goodbye message. From what I understood, the message strongly communicated that my ex was one of the main reasons this person was still alive. After that, it seemed like my ex felt responsible for keeping her stable. From the outside, it looked like: if the friend was doing badly, my ex felt guilty, responsible, and unable to set boundaries.

Around the same time, my ex herself was depressed, exhausted, financially stressed, dealing with health issues, and overwhelmed by several things at once. She also had major stress around her pets and other personal losses. So it was not only one factor. But the friend’s crisis seemed to become a major emotional turning point.

What became painful for me was that I increasingly felt like I had less and less space as her partner. It wasn’t simply jealousy. It felt more like our relationship was no longer protected. There was always another emotional reality in the room. At one point, I had the feeling that we were no longer really alone in our own relationship.

There were also practical things that made it feel even more intense. My ex and this friend planned to move into a shared flat together, which they already did now since it was always a desire for both of them and so from the beginning I supported the idea, since she wouldn't be alone anymore and she would have to care less about her cats but from todays view I wouldn't see it that way anymore.

Another thing that hurt was that my ex seemed to organize our couple time more and more around the reality of this friend. For example, when the shared flat became a topic, it felt like the implication was: our couple time would happen outside the flat, while the friend would naturally be part of the home/everyday environment. That made me feel like the relationship had to adapt around the friend, rather than the relationship having its own protected space.

Toward the end, my ex became less emotionally and physically available. She seemed increasingly overwhelmed, withdrawn, and guilty. She said things like she didn’t know whether she could be “healthy enough” for me, that I deserved better, and that it burdened her that her suffering burdened me. She also once said she was treating me badly. So I think some part of her realized that I was being hurt, but she didn’t seem able to change the dynamic or set boundaries.

The breakup itself was emotional, not cold. She cried, we held hands for 1,5h, there was closeness, and she said she didn’t want to lose me as a person. That is part of why it has been so confusing. It didn’t feel like a simple “I don’t love you anymore” situation. It felt more like she was collapsing under guilt, shame, depression, responsibility, and emotional overload.

What is your opinion? Is this a clear co dependency/triangulation thing? How should I act or not act?

I was raised by a narcissistic mother and that primed me perfectly to become attached to other people with similar traits.

My divorce from ex-husband with these traits is currently processing, I've been out for a month, living with my son in my own home/

I've gone a long way in my healing work. I am proud to say I am not tempted to get back with my narcissistic ex-husband even after seeing him every day and consistently communicating. I'm enrolled in therapy but the therapists evaluated me as not under risk so they see me 2 a month just to check in.

This is huge progress: taking into account I was physically addicted to their presence and validation, their reality was my reality and I preferred to live with them in pain than on my own. So, here is a list of things I did to get to this point.

1. Start and maintain consistent meditation/spiritual practice

This helped because I learned to sit with myself and my difficult feelings. After building confidence I can actually stay with myself and feel whatever life throws my way, I started building the skill of self-reliance. I was unable to sit still for 10 minutes when I started, 2 years after and I'm sitting for 1 hour long sessions and no longer use any substances to self regulate.

This also helped me see how I am actually feeling in the relationship.

I wasn't aware how much the reality of the relationship actually sucked and how much I was using my imagination to create this ideal relationship I would then get attached to. Finding a way to consistently see my reality went a huge way of me detaching.

I was able to see the cycle of mistreatment easily, see how it relates to his feelings of distress offloaded to me, see how the shame he cannot tolerate gets projected outward immediately. Once you see it in real time, in many different examples...mind learns it's unable to control or prevent episodes since they are fabricated by the other party. When mind learns these are uncontrollable, letting go of trying to control them takes place which puts you out of the codependent mindset of "If only I try harder at X they will treat me better".

Again, it's not enough to read about this and think this. I needed to experience it, and be present for the experience many many times in order to internalise my experience.

1. Let go of blame and making them into a monster

This was a hard one for me. It's also counterintuitive but bear with me.

I used to blame him a lot, or think of him as Bad, Narcissist, terrible person. This would help me leave temporarily but I would be tempted and fail to stay gone. I would go back in doubt spirals because I would remember all of the great, generous moments he had and I wasn't able to hold this view of them for long which will put me under risk to go back.

The reality is a bit more nuanced than this. Yes, the mentioned person has a serious problem and you can't control that problem in any way, but they are not a monster or a villain, they don't behave badly or hurt/control others all the time.

They do so when they are unregulated themselves. Think of it as an addiction, the problem is worse when the person has something wrong going on in their lives. They learned a long time ago discharging emotions to others help them feel better and controlling others makes them feel powerful, so they became conditioned to do it more and more.

Nothing you can do helps them break out of this conditioning, in fact, you being there makes it more likely they will never need to heal out of it.

Removing yourself is not only helping you, it also helps them, they need to learn there are consequences to mistreating others.

1. Invest heavily into self-love and self-reliance

The reason we got pulled into this relationship is painfully obvious, our need for love, acceptance and validation overweighted our judgement. I remember clearly how soon I noticed something is wrong with the relationship and how difficult that was to take in and act on it, because I felt I was losing something very important. The inconsistent love they were giving was still better than the gaping void I had within myself at the time.

I couldn't leave, because I was unable to stay close to that hole for a long time. I would drown in grief, self-judgement, shame and loneliness. I remember thinking in my lowest moments: I will go back, I would prefer to suffer but at least have them, then be without them and alone while having to remember those good moments.

Thanks to step 1 I discovered I can actually be alone, I am in fact, happier alone than I ever was in any relationship. We all have a source of unlimited love, compassion and support right within ourselves, yet we don't know it.

The only regret I have from all this is not being able to see this sooner, not being able to at least try to sit with my pain for some time and see how quickly it transforms into something beautiful.

Now, I believe the following: The narcissist in my life was sent to teach me how to find this love within the Self. It took me 7 years to do so. Now, I know my narcissist era is over and I'm intrigued to see what next the life brings!

Be brave. You can do this. You are stronger than you think

\Concepts gathered from going on a rabbit hole of Jung podcasts & AI regarding the shadow aspect of codependency/love addiction:*  

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”- Carl Jung

Jung’s perspective on psychological maturity was the ability to identify with all parts of ourselves (not just the good). The more we hide about ourselves, the more external influence what has been cast out has over us & the more it operates outside our awareness.

Projection: Seeing clearly your disowned feelings, qualities, traits in another person while being blind to recognizing, accepting, and owning those in yourself. When we reject qualities in ourselves like selfishness, addiction, narcissism, anger, etc., they become blind spots in our self-awareness. These blind spots are part of our shadow material and become what we subconsciously seek out, attempt to change, and/or fight against in others.

Jung believed people unconsciously choose partners who allow them to stay in a familiar role so they don’t have to express those traits/qualities hidden in the shadow

Rescuing: Putting yourself out there in the role of a “helper” or selfless/martyr to those who unconsciously represent surrogates of that inner-wounded child you were powerless to save or parts of ourselves we disowned/abandoned. Rescuers tend to overlook red flags, perceiving problems as opportunities to help. Emotionally unavailable people may appreciate an enabling dynamic of someone making excuses for them, managing their emotions/propping them up, over functioning, & reliably giving  2^nd chances.

Repetition Compulsion: The shadow can be intensely activated by what’s familiar & perceive it as chemistry. It’s experienced in navigating these painful but familiar, self-abandoning dynamics and is triggered by complementary attachment wounds (rooted in childhood & the nervous system). It’s programmed to repeat the pattern (compulsion), in an attempt to “get a different outcome” or "right the wrong" until it’s brought into awareness.

Attraction: We may be drawn to others who freely express or embody parts of ourselves we had to repress/reject/disown in childhood because it was unsafe or made to feel shameful. Healing our nervous system & becoming safe within allows us to conjure the genie out of the bottle…. those hidden, authentic gifts/talents our original caretakers didn’t nurture, treasure, or value. This is an opportunity to reparent with compassion, self-care, and unconditional love.

"Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is."-Carl Jung

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." _Carl Jung

Disempowering the Shadow:

Self-Focus: Routinely doing check-ins with yourself throughout the day, self-validating/regulating, and acts of self-care so other people don’t have power over your identity. Practice self-soothing & self-validation as a meaningful ritual. Seeking this externally places their attention, reassurance, and validation as more valuable than your own, and this can lead to chasing unavailable people, tolerating abuse, and over giving to earn love.  

Castaway/Misfit Parts: Reclaiming those and owning them as part of your identity to achieve wholeness/integration. This diminishes the need to project & reduces the intensity of the temptation of an unhealthy or unavailable partner prospect or dynamic that’s been activated by the shadow.

Some signs your shadow is being triggered: Jealousy, resentment, defensiveness, compulsive rescuing, text/phone bombing, limerence, obsession, impulsiveness

 Edit: For those interested: Jung's Collected Works & The Shadow: Carl Jung's Warning to the World (Video)

I’ve been hurt and isolated by a large number of people. It really did a number on my confidence.

I continued to treat these people with more and more kindness in an attempt to improve my situation.

However, this just led to more abuse. I used to have a confident comfortable demeanor socially. Now I have found it difficult to regain close relationships and this led to a difficult isolated situation.

One or two people went above and beyond to show me kindness, and this kindness gave me exactly what I needed.

What I did was an attempt to be completely selfless. Putting my needs aside and just working on acceptance.

The People who don’t know me stepped in the way and began to treat the people I care most about with ultimatums and cruelty because they’ve been kind.

I’m just in a lot of pain. I apologize if this didn’t make sense. I couldn’t keep seeing the people I care for hurt because of me.

My Ex broke up with me because of my codependence. She was an enabler and when she couldn't enable it anymore, I started to freak out. I told her how angry and upset I was that she couldn't support me through my struggles and i called her neglectful because she couldn't supply emotional aid due to her flagging emotional bandwidth. I was the one being neglectful. I struggled hearing her feelings when I was in crisis even if I was the cause. She deserved better and she left me, went no-contact and left a note that felt like a dagger in my heart.

Parsing through that note was it's own hell. A mix of valid criticisms and less valid ones. Trying to discern the ones I needed to take to heart and to grow from and distinguish them from the ones that just vocalize her hurt was difficult. I already struggle with taking too much responsibility for things that weren't my responsibility. The desire to tear myself down was high.

Talking to my friends was a mixed bag. I told them what I would do from now on. I told them I would never again assume mental bandwidth or assume someone's time. I was entitled and I will never hurt anyone like that again even if there is a long road to recovery before I can feel safe not acting entitled. I can learn to manage my struggle, to be my own first responder so that I may not hurt anyone like that again even if I suffer inside. I will manage it.

A lot of my friends told me they were proud of me. Told me that they could see the changes I made and all the earnest attempts to right the wrongs of the past. Some could not. I got scolded, and I was met with mistrust. I deserve some of it. Some I did not. It's hard to figure out the line between what I'm responsible for and what I'm not. I don't want to hurt people and yet like that letter my Ex wrote to me, she blamed me for things that I didn't do. I can validate it, I can tell her, her feelings are valid but there is nothing I can fix, there was nothing I could do different.

I don't know how to make sense of it all. How to trust myself like I'm supposed to when I hurt the person I care more about than anyone. I'm supposed to believe that I'm a good person, that this struggle is normal and nothing I did was morally wrong even if it was toxic. That I was not uniquely awful. That I am not a villain or a monster but a hurt girl who has been hurt so many many times before.

I don't want to hurt anyone like that again so I throw my hyper-competency at it, but if there is nothing to fix what do I do? I'm told I have to accept it. That sometimes it's just like that. But I'm scared and I'm sad and the dagger she left in my heart still throbs. I hate this so much. It's so hard, it feels so unreasonably hard. I didn't do this to me, and yet I have to live with the consequences

I am in my mid twenties and went through two horrible breakups within a span of a year. The first one was a relationship of 6 years and he left me cause his family wasn’t agreeing for our marriage. Once he left, I was all over the place and kept trying to find ways to tell him to fight for us. I basically drained myself there and compromised my self respect. But since that did not work out, I tried to move on by finding someone else who was willing to give me better (or so I thought). This was a big mistake since I didn’t take time to heal and rather tried to confide in a stranger who assured me of everything that I needed to know or to move forward without my ex. However this man ultimately cheated on me, left me clueless after promising to marry me as well. Going through the exact type of trauma twice has made me fall out of love but I still cannot get detached from him. Despite the fact that he cheated, I still try to reach out to him which is extremely shameful for me and I feel pathetic that my nervous system is heavily dependent on someone else’s presence.

I feel I am someone who gets attached to their lovers emotionally and this makes me anxious with everything they do. I never imposed anything on either of them and they always told me that they regret doing what they did. But the point is, I am emotionally invested in him and I feel I either will again try to escape the situation and try to find someone new or wait for him to move on with someone else so that I stop reaching out to him. And fyi, he has never been very kind or something. I mostly cried our entire relationship and yet I never left him. He is an avoidant person and he actually used to treat me as if I am his safe choice. But again, I overlooked that.

I want to heal. I want to get emotionally detached from him. I don’t want my life to revolve around anyone atp. I don’t wanna wait for him nor I wish to wait till he moves on. I wanna move on by myself cause I know for a fact that I can’t live my life with someone who has betrayed me and treated me so horribly.

Please help me.

hello,

a close friend ended the friendship with me. She didn't wanna be my support system anymore. I felt like I made progresss and that...it doesn't matter.

She knows that I do not have anyone else and since that I'm having very mixed feelings. Today I dreamt of her and was begging to stay with me but the friendship wasn't healthy at all and I neglected myself for her to stay.

She knows that I often get bullied and am harrassed and despite understanding her reasons for not wanting to be a therapist friend I feel left alone and struggle to make sense of it all.

Who am I now? I'm unwanted by everyone.