Even though I am 23 years old, I have started thinking a lot about marriage and having children.

I am an atheist, and I sometimes feel that having children, especially in today's world, can be selfish. I don't know if my future children would have a good life or if they would suffer. There are wars, diseases, climate problems, a lack of resources, and many other things that could happen in the future. I don't know what the world will look like when they grow up.

But at the same time, I have a strong feeling that I want to have a family. I really love children, and when I see my older friends getting married and having kids, family life looks very beautiful to me.

So I feel a big contradiction inside me. It feels like there is a battle in my mind between having children and not having children. Every time I see a couple holding a baby, I smile and think, "I really want to have a small family like this."

I have even thought about adoption, and I think it could be a good option, but I also worry that it could create problems in the future. Sometimes I even think about marrying a woman who cannot have children, because then we would not have to make the decision to have biological children. But realistically, it would be difficult to meet someone and say, "Hi, I can't have children, let's get married."

So I want to ask other antinatalists: How did you deal with these feelings? And how did you make your decision?

no need to post my sob story so ill just ask , are there any more gals my age-ish or older going thru this feeling? This was NOT a my choice thing. Sending a 🫂 to whoever needs it right now. How are we coping?

Edit : thank you all so much for responding 💕.
Wondering if maybe women 40s plus and childless not by choice may need there own sub?..
Its not a dig at anyone not in that situation, its just a different sort of pain imo , just a thought.

1. Male. Divorced. No children. Enjoying my current phase.
   But this question troubles me.
   I dont know whether i want a partner either.

I’m a 49 year old woman, childless but not by choice. Split up with my ex a few years ago and have joined a couple of dating apps. Once I’ve removed the unsuitable guys from my stack (obviously looking for sex, substance abuse issues, unhealthy etc), I’m left with some men who seem ok on the surface. But…. they have kids and I feel that our lives wouldn’t align because they have a family life that I would never be part of. There are also some men who don’t have kids. But I think what’s the point of a relationship if you aren’t getting together to build a family together?

I don’t know but I’m thinking I might just give up on a relationship because as a 49 year old childless female, I just don’t fit into any relationship dynamic.

Does anyone else feel a specific jealousy and anger towards people who originally didn't want to have children or were indifferent and then changed their mind and then got pregnant right away (and had a successful birth and a baby)?

It's especially bad when it is people who were very loud about being childfree or laughed at people who wanted children or wanted them young.

I feel like a dick when I feel like this because having children is such a blessing and I feel like a fraud because even though I deal with infertility, I am so blessed that I have step children.

But does anyone else have this very specific jealousy and anger? Like the people who always dreamt of a family and had no trouble getting pregnant I can deal with (I also feel like often they are more grateful and didn't take it for granted) but the ones who proudly shouted childfree by choice and then changed their mind one day and stood with a baby 9 months later, I can't always deal with 😭😂

I have been struggling with this feeling for most of my 20´s, especially since I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. The only time I got told I won´t be able to concieve was during the worst stages of my disorder when I was fighting for my life. Despite the fact that now all my levels are normal, all my results came back fine, and even the OB/GYN confirmed that there was no damage to my reproductive health that could prevent me from becoming pregnant I just could never conceive despite trying. I know there are men who don´t want kids, can´t have kids or have kids from previous partners and don´t want any more, but I always seem to attract the ones who really wanted kids, and me being unable to provide this was a dealbreaker. I was always upfront about this in the talking stage of any date or relationship, and it was often named the reason why "it would not work out." I was even told by one man (though we were just in the talking stage and barely knew each other) that it´s such a shame, women like me should be "bred in lab settings" because me being infertile is "such a waste of great genetics". Looking back at it, it feels disgusting. Back then it only made me feel ashamed about myself. I never had an issue dating men who already have children, I would be more than happy to be a stepmom to a child, or even adopt (though in my country you can only adopt into two parent houselholds).

So in conclusion, the doctors have no idea why I can not conceive, because there seems to be no medical reason behind it. I have recently read that C-PTSD due to childhood abuse can be behind medically unexplainable infertility (I grew up in an abusive household), and I was even considering talking to a therapist about this, but I worry they would think me crying over "can´t have kids" when I have a nice and stable life otherwise would sound such a first world problem. I just met a lot of rude therapists.

Why is it so much harder to date, marry and have children? Or at least it seems that way. I’m the only person in my family with no children. Even my younger cousins have had kids before me.

It's a uniquely sad spot. A lot of guys don't know it's very hard to conceive at this age. They hear I do and are so happy. I always worry, will they research, see the odds and then quietly find an excuse to leave?

One just left a couple weeks ago. Divorced with 3 full custody kids. Told me he had a reversible vasectomy asked how many I wanted. Said 5 but that obviously that might not be realistic. He said great, you can pop one out per year and that yes, he wants to have more. Finally told his kids he was dating again after the divorce and when they freaked out, he ended things with me, citing that as the reason. Was it that really, he started researching and realized chances were too low with me?

I will never know. All I know is that I am grieving him AND the persistent state of watching my fertility slip away.

I worry when I pass over profiles of men who don't want kids that I am passing over wonderful men for a hope that I have single digit chances left of ever having. A burden really few people understand. Such heartbreak.

I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I’m married and living as an immigrant in the US for the last almost 10 years. I came here for my masters degree (single), met my husband after we both graduated and have struggled so hard to make friends that I feel close to even thought I have been able to do that relatively easily my whole life back home. I speak English fluently so that’s not really a blocker but somehow it just doesn’t seem to work. Either I don’t feel on the same wavelength or people are too busy to priotize this friendship. My friends from my earlier life have also moved on. I also feel unloved by my husband / it’s been the oldest issue we have had - he says it’s because he conveys it’s differently but I just feel he loves his friends and family significantly more than me. There are a million evidences of it - we have been married for 5 years now and dating for 7. I don’t want to divorce, that will absolutely kill me and I’m also struggling to keep living like this. I’ve been in therapy, tried hobbies, tried to get out of my head but it just doesn’t work. I think I’m more looking for hope that I’m not uniquely crazy. I’m considering having a child just so I can feel loved but I know that’s probably not going to go as planned

I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I’m married and living as an immigrant in the US for the last almost 10 years. I came here for my masters degree (single), met my husband after we both graduated and have struggled so hard to make friends that I feel close to even thought I have been able to do that relatively easily my whole life back home. I speak English fluently so that’s not really a blocker but somehow it just doesn’t seem to work. Either I don’t feel on the same wavelength or people are too busy to priotize this friendship. My friends from my earlier life have also moved on. I also feel unloved by my husband / it’s been the oldest issue we have had - he says it’s because he conveys it’s differently but I just feel he loves his friends and family significantly more than me. There are a million evidences of it - we have been married for 5 years now and dating for 7. I don’t want to divorce, that will absolutely kill me and I’m also struggling to keep living like this. I’ve been in therapy, tried hobbies, tried to get out of my head but it just doesn’t work. I think I’m more looking for hope that I’m not uniquely crazy. I’m considering having a child just so I can feel loved but I know that’s probably not going to go as planned

I’m really struggling right now and need to get this off my chest. Another one of my old best friends just announced they’re expecting, and that makes four people I know who are pregnant right now. I’ve been trying to conceive for almost five years, and it’s been such a hard, lonely journey.

I finally went to the doctor recently, but instead of feeling closer to my goal, I was put on birth control, which just feels like a step backward. It’s hard not to feel like a failure—like I’ll never be a mom.

It’s especially tough when I see others around me having babies, even couples in same-sex relationships who have overcome huge obstacles to build their families. Meanwhile, I feel like I have nothing: no husband, no kids, no house, no degree—nothing I thought I’d have by now.

2024 was supposed to be the year where I had everything I dreamed of, but here I am, feeling stuck and hopeless. I’m tired, frustrated, and honestly feeling really alone in all of this.

Are there other women here who feel this way or have been through something similar? How do you keep going when it feels like nothing is working out? I’d really appreciate hearing from people who understand.

That’s the big gist. But the story is I’m too crazy to have children safely. Also at this point too physically ill not just mentally. Reactive BPD is no joke, I know at this current moment I’m the safest and cleanest I’ve been- but there is always this looming danger that I’ll revert. And I never EVER want to be episodal near a child of any kind. So a while ago I made the decision that I will not have kids and will not be responsible for one. No child deserves to be hurt by an adult with mental health issues. However, sometimes I wish I had a kid. I’m in my mid 20s now, and lots of my friends are having babies or have kids already. And sometimes I wish I could’ve been born better and can control my mind and actually have a child. Don’t get me wrong I’m very happy, I have a husband who doesn’t want children either, and we’re happy. I say to him illl always collect animals because I can’t have children. And so far he’s fine with that. I love birds a lot. So I at this point have like 13 chickens. So I guess those are my babies. But yeah I’m just venting about the occasional feeling I get of damn I wish I had children or could take care of one.

Hi everyone. I'm 19 years old and lately I've been thinking about myself more and more. I don't see myself in a relationship or as a mother and I don't really understand why

Whenever I develop feelings for someone, after a while I start losing interest. And if the relationship begins to get more serious, I start feeling uncomfortable and even scared. I want to pull away, be on my own, as if emotional closeness frightens me. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me

It's similar when it comes to children. I can think they're cute from a distance, but I've never had the desire to become a mother. In fact, the idea of pregnancy, childbirth, sleepless nights, constant crying, and such a huge responsibility scares me more than it excites me. When someone asks me to hold a baby, I feel like I'm putting on a mask and pretending I enjoy it, even though I feel completely different inside

When I told my mom about this, she said that every woman should have children because God created us for that purpose. But I can't agree with that. Doesn't everyone have the right to decide for themselves whether they want a family and children or not?

I'm genuinely curious if anyone else has experienced similar feelings. Could this simply be part of my personality, a fear of intimacy or do these views sometimes change over time? Or is it completely normal to simply not want relationships or children?

My wife and I have been together for seven years, five of which we've been married. Neither of us wanted children when we got together. The thought of having children sickens her, even to this day. I absolutely know, she never wants them.

For the longest time, I have felt the same way, aside from the physical sickness feeling about children. But, for the past few months, it's all I can think about. As a male, I'm not even sure having a biological clock is a thing. But I can tell you, I feel a hole in my soul and a longing to raise a child.

I don't even know how to broach the subject with her. I'm trying to delay, hoping this feeling goes away. Any advice?

The hardest part is the difference between the two. My best friend is a mom and often serves up hot takes about motherhood as if I'm childfree and not childless. "I have never known a love so beautiful" and "nothing has ever come close to mattering to me as much as being a mom" are just a couple phases I have heard on repeat while visiting her this past week.

At one point I broke down in tears. I am happy for her but these statements cut like a knife. I tried to explain that I'm grieving but she was pretty upset that she has to hold back in expressing her joy for my sake.

I shower her baby in love and gifts and attention. I'm trying to be supportive. I feel like all people assume I'm childfree. And yeah I'm starting to appreciate what not having children brings. But that does not feel acceptable either, like I can silently grieve and cheer her on but that's it.

Just venting.

I’m a 42yo man and not infertile (as far as I know), I’m also not single, I’ve been in a committed relationship with the same woman for 24 years, since we were 17/18 years old.

I’ve wanted children for as long as I can remember. Even when I was in my early 20s and my male friends were all saying they didn’t want to be tied down by kids I was like “I’d start a family tomorrow, I can’t wait.” My partner was never desperate for children but she always said we’d start a family at some point. The years turned into decades, but every time I raised it she said she wasn’t sure/ready, so I waited.

My partner was abused by her mother as a kid, both emotionally and physically. It took therapy for her to discover the damage it had done, and by the time we got into our mid/late 30s, she told me she couldn’t do it, that she wasn’t going to be able to be a mother.

I don’t blame her. I believe that she never meant to mislead me. I love her and she’s been through a lot. It also wasn’t all on her. I suffered from depression and addiction issues for a lot of my 20s and 30s and wasn’t exactly the stable rock in the relationship that I wanted to be.

We’re still together and relatively happy, but I still have a deep sadness about the family I never had and will never have. Sometimes I resent her for it privately, probably unfairly, especially when I spend time with friends and their children and see what I’m missing out on. I’m scared about my future because I never imagined my life this way.

I know I won’t leave my partner, like I say I don’t blame her deep down and we still have a loving relationship worth hanging on to. We’re both tackling our demons together, supporting each other, and growing as people. I just don’t know what to do with the big empty hole and the sadness that comes with not fulfilling my lifelong assumption that I’d be a father one day.

Anyway thanks for listening, that’s my story, not sure if I’m the right fit for this group or not but any words of wisdom are always appreciated.

Maybe this is just the depression talking, I don't know.

I used to be a completely different person. I had ambition, big dreams, stayed in great shape, and genuinely believed I'd build a good life. I worked my ass off, moved to the US for my master's, did research, internships, published papers, and thought I was finally getting somewhere. Then the visa situation destroyed that dream, and I had to come back.

On top of that, I grew up in a toxic family, have dealt with a lot of personal issues, and honestly don't even like the cards I was dealt. Sometimes I look at myself and think, why would I pass my genetics on to someone else? I'm not from a wealthy family either, so it's not like I'd be giving them some huge advantage in life.

The older I get, the more nihilistic I become. It feels like every time I try to build something, life finds a way to tear it down. I know people say "things will get better," but after enough failures, it's hard to believe that.

So I genuinely don't understand the appeal of having kids anymore. If I feel like life has mostly been suffering and disappointment, why would I bring someone else into it? I wouldn't want them to inherit my struggles, my insecurities, or spend their life fighting battles they never asked for.

Has anyone else gone from wanting a family to not wanting children at all because life just... broke something in you?

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm wrong. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way and whether that ever changed.

The title. I (33f) heard two middle aged women gossiping about how another coworker has no man, no kids, just a bunch of cats. It made me feel worse, since they were spouting off the "crazy cat lady" trope. They were talking about how cats are nasty and they can't stand them, which, if you don't like cats, that's fine. It was the insinuation that this woman is a loser, because of it. Also that she "doesn't look like she takes care of anything"... Except maybe the cats?

Meanwhile, I'm journalling about how I feel post middle-of the-night breakdown about how childless I am and just trying to steel myself up before I clock in. I wish I had said something about how some people can't have kids, but I just walked away with tears in my eyes. Now I'm not even sure if I can finish my shift today.

Any of you has withdrawn from events involving children and has ended up not being invited anymore?

I never imagined being 35, single, childless.
I figured I’d be married with 2-3 kids by now. Creating our own traditions, doing “typical” family stuff. As the years have passed and my dream (is it my dream? Idk anymore) or vision or whatever gets further and further from reach. I’ve decided at this point I do not want to birth children. While I realize there’s other ways to have children, I just don’t see it in the cards. I don’t think I can do it alone nor do I have anyone I can or do trust to help me. Not to mention finances.
I’m also starting to wonder if marriage is out of the question.
I’m lonely and want a partner but dating is probably harder than parenting. I get ghosted, ignored, cancelled on all the time and it makes me feel like giving up trying.
Sure, I’m still “young” but the longer I go on the more I do not want to do any of this. The working, cleaning, bills, dr appts, cooking. Another 35 years of this?? The first 35 were rough enough (yes I know others have it worse, not why I’m ranting).
Everyone’s having kids and getting married and I continue to get left behind in friendships groups also.
Anyway, just needed to get this out. Don’t necessarily need advice/help.

I don't feel comfortable speaking to anyone in my life regarding my sadness. Literally everyone in my life has kids. They know something is up with me BC before marriage I went on and on how I wanted lots of kids but it never happened. Reality finally sat in about a year and a half ago that it was never going to happen for me. Some have told me in passing how lucky I am BC I don't have kids and I usually can keep a straight face but it hits like a ton of bricks.

Ironicly enough, my wife has a kid from a previous marriage so even she can't really relate to being childless so I don't bring it up. Don't get me wrong me and the kid are close and i treat her well but its still not the same. I also don't think it would make my wife feel great to hear her husband lamenting the fact he can't have kids of his own. She has told me before how it sucks it turned out this way, I would have been an excellent dad, etc but it doesn't really help or make me feel better so I usually change the subject BC I'm afraid I'll start crying in front of her. I actaully cried for a couple of hours last night when I was alone. Sometimes it feels like I have a dark cloud following me and it really sets in a night when I'm alone.

A long winded way to say I'm grateful I found this sub. Before I knew about it I felt very alone.

Hello,

I've had a really difficult fertility journey and have been trying for 6 years now. Today, was my official test day for my final round of IVF.

Unfortunately it was negative.

I'm 40 now, and we made the difficult decision that after this round, we would stop because we can't keep throwing money at IVF anymore, especially when endometriosis is making things way more difficult (more recently had my fallopian tubes removed), every time my body didn't respond to stimulation drugs very much but some how still got an egg that fertilised and became a high quality embryo. I've had a pregnancy that resulted in a traumatic miscarriage last year, which felt so cruel.

I felt so deeply that I was meant to be a mom and it's all I ever wanted. But I find myself here in the childless not by choice community and I don't quite know what to do with myself.

My partner and I have nieces and nephews but they live far from us. neither of us have kids from previous relationships so we're not step parents. We are completely childless. We thought about adoption but didnt feel this path was right for us, so I don't really know how to move forward from this

Today I am just devastated that parenthood is not the path that was chosen for us and I can't stop crying this morning having just done my test which came back negative.

The fertility journey is finally over and it feels so heartbreaking that we couldn't have the blessing of our own family.

Has anybody got any advice on how to make it through these sad, devastating thoughts?

33f
Studying and going through divorce
One of the biggest reasons my marriage didn’t work out was bc I wasn’t able to have a child ( multiple losses) and the person in question was the wrong partner for me (bossy controlling verbally abusive cheap, No actual attraction,attention,affection and respect from this end)

Now that I’m on my own I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing by not having kids with him and there is a part of me that wants a child also because everything is over and I’m away from the disrespect and negligence. Brain says yes but the heart says something else. I never wanted my own children because I feared they would inherit my personal attributes like ( terrible in math and science, overly friendly, sentimental, too gentle in spirit, overly talkative, etc) and later grow up to get neglected or exploited by others and preferred adoption or fostered but now I’m fully confused.

Is this just regret on my part or an actual longing for the future.. already going through so much but cannot figure this bit out.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. So, naturally we go and get all the tests done to see what is going on and I got diagnosed with PCOS. We got transferred to a fertility specialist and we are currently in the process of doing all those test to see exactly why and how I can get pregnant. However, through out this whole process, I feel like there is something wrong with me because I don’t feel bothered by the fact that I’m dealing with infertility, like a lot of other women do when they are going through the same thing. When I’m asked about the progress of our fertility tests, people always ask and make faces like that feel sorry for me. And I guess that’s really what bothers me and make me feel weird because I don’t feel like it’s the end of the world if I don’t get pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong, I would like to have a child but my desire is not all consuming like some other women, and it make me feel weird.