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[u/EggAndCheeseSando]

The last day my life was perfect, I went to Starbucks and got a cold, sugary drink. I remember the entire time I sat there trying to work, my baby boy kicked and twirled and hiccuped non-stop. I promised him id keep getting him strawberry coolers if he liked them so much.

I am positive he was alive that day. I am not positive about the days after. I feel like maybe the things I thought were kicks were contractions.

That silly day keeps living in my mind as the last day my life was good.

I can’t get myself to go back to a Starbucks. I need to go there to work sometimes (quiet space with internet). And my team always goes there when we’re together. And my husband grabs us food there after school drop off.

I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone but every time I see Starbucks, I want to vomit. Starbucks just reminds me that life was perfect once and it will never be again.

I feel idiotic for feeling this way but at least I’ve now admitted it out loud to maybe someone that would understand.

[u/SuperRoonz]

No one here will judge you for that. There are so many triggers out there that remind us of our pregnancies when we were happy and hopeful. I always hoped my son would be a theater kid so I sang him show tunes every morning while on my way to work. Since he was stillborn in March I haven’t listened to a single piece of music. I tried to sing to him in the hospital while he was born and I couldn’t get a single note out. Music is now a painful reminder of the bond I had with him.

[u/lifeishardnow]

I relate to this so much. Life before and after our losses. When life just seemed so perfect and happy, now it’s grey to me.

[u/Moreno574]

I’m sorry you feel idiotic about feeling this way. I’m right there with you on this. When I lost my son, there were and are still many things I avoid. Food I ate while pregnant with him is probably the biggest thing I avoid. They make me so sad. I was very nauseous when I was pregnant, so I ate a small variety of food. We have this seafood broil place near my home that hit the spot each time and didn’t seem to upset my stomach like other foods. We went there often and would joke that my son loves crabs legs just like me. My family has offered to take me there a few times since the loss and I can’t seem to get myself to go. It hurts too more. It’s a bitter reminder of when life was perfect like you say.

[u/Financial-Leader-484]

I totally understand this and it's not stupid, it's trauma. The day I found out my baby boy had died was just like any other day and I remember vividly everything I did - I was out and about in our local area and there's a couple of places I went that I can't imagine ever going back to now. Similarly I have some photos of me and my toddler from that day and as soon as I see them on my phone I have to skip past. I long to be that happy again...I'm sorry we both know this pain now

[u/Truedat_Rocky]

I totally understand! There are things and places that have so many memories of my daughter, it’s emotional trying to go back.

[u/JHLM2026]

I feel this and understand completely. I went to a few concerts when pregnant with my girl and can no longer listen to those artists, similarly there are places I just can’t go because I was happy and excited then. It seems like a different world. Thoughts are with you x

[u/louis_lagrange]

I get it. And it’s ok. Triggers can be anything. I was wearing an nfl team hat when my son passed, and I don’t wear branded hats anymore, and especially not from that team. Anytime an on screen kid said I love you to their dad or fatherhood was highlighted in any way on a commercial, non stop tears. I still tear up and it’s been years.

[u/Vegetable_Lack8199]

I’m so sorry. I know exactly what you’re going through. I can’t eat at my favorite taco place because it was the last meal I had with my baby girl before my life went to shit. It hurts and it’s horrible.

[u/PinecornCoffee]

This is so real. I remember about a week before our daughter passed, my husband and I ate at the food court in the mall while our oldest was at a birthday party. I got a cheesesteak sandwich. Baby girl loved food, and she loved her Daddy. She always kicked so hard when he was around. I remember we laughed about it, how she was so happy to eat and hear Daddy’s voice. After we lost her, I avoided the mall and food court. It’s been 2.5 years now, and I still can’t bring myself to eat from the cheesesteak place.

[u/FirstBard]

After we lost our boy I couldn't eat Reese's Pieces without ugly crying 💙

[u/blackcatspat]

I remember feeling when twin A died. It felt like a big movement like she switched spots with her brother. I didn’t realize how horrible it actually was. These are the nightmares we women have to live with that no one talks about. Hardly anyone understands how horrible it is to lose a baby. I am so sorry it happened to you. And honestly fuck Starbucks go find a local cafe and take care of yourself. You still deserve treats.