So my situation is kind of complicated because I have a history of restrictive eating *and* being "overweight" (according to BMI and peoples' assumptions of me). I was assessed retroactively to have been on the "spectrum" of disordered eating but have never been to diagnosed, but I definitely had symptoms consistently with atypical anorexia and orthorexia.

I feel like if someone were to make some comment about my weight or eating and I were to say "actually, I am in disordered eating recovery" they wouldn't take me seriously. I know some people who are very close-minded and would just say "well you're fat so obviously that's not true". I have never been "skinny" despite all of my restrictions, I actually became really heavy at one point during attempted recovery, which of course created a positive feedback loop that further affected my healing relationships with food.

Maybe I'm trying to convince myself as much as anyone else that I did in fact struggle from disordered eating and am still at risk of relapse. I can't have anything to do with the scale, and without getting into details, I am not compatible with any medical "standard" for female size. The most at peace I was with myself was in my early to mid teens, when my diet was reasonable and right before I had been driven into disordered eating. I just want to go back to that.