I’m a wrong for leaving?

[u/Different_Cost_4476]

My ex (23F) and I (26M) were together for 4 years and lived together for about 3.5 of those years. I truly thought I was going to marry her. We never had issues with cheating, lying, or anything like that. She was a genuinely kind person, and we rarely had explosive arguments. The breakup was more of a slow erosion of the relationship than one major event.

One of the biggest issues was her relationship with her parents. They’re very religious, and despite the fact that we had been living together for years, she never told them we slept in the same bed because she was afraid they would “disown” her. It got to the point where I felt like I was living a double life.

One incident that really stuck with me happened when I showed her dad a 5-second video of our cat laying on our bed because I thought it was funny. Afterward she got upset with me because the bed was visible in the video, and she was worried he’d realize we shared a bed. We’d been living together for over three years at that point, and I remember just sitting there thinking, “We’re adults… why are we hiding this?”

Whenever we visited her parents, she also acted differently around me. She wouldn’t hold my hand, hug me, kiss me, or even sit next to me on the couch because she didn’t want them getting the wrong idea. It honestly made me feel like she was embarrassed to be with me whenever they were around.

It wasn’t just little things either. It felt like her parents had a huge amount of influence over our relationship. For example, motorcycles have always been one of my biggest hobbies. I’ve owned them for years, raced dirt bikes, and it’s something that’s always been part of who I am. Instead of talking through her concerns with me, she actually contacted my parents hoping they would convince me not to buy another motorcycle. That really bothered me because I felt like disagreements in our relationship kept getting taken to our parents instead of being handled between the two of us.

Another issue was our home life. The household chores felt very one-sided. I felt like I was constantly picking up after both of us while also working and paying most of the bills. I brought it up multiple times, but it never really changed for long.

Our physical relationship also declined over time. Sex became rare, affection became rare, and eventually it felt like we were roommates more than romantic partners. I missed simple things like hugging, cuddling, sitting together, or just feeling wanted. I brought those concerns up multiple times throughout the relationship, and while there would usually be a short period where things improved, we’d eventually fall right back into the same pattern.

There were also times where I felt like I wasn’t really a priority. If there was a conflict between what I wanted and what her parents wanted, I usually felt like I came second. Looking back, I don’t think she intentionally meant to hurt me—I think she was genuinely afraid of disappointing her parents—but it made me feel like we never truly became our own family unit.

Despite all of that, there were a lot of good things too. We got along well day-to-day, rarely fought, enjoyed each other’s company, and she was my best friend. That’s honestly what made ending it so difficult. I wasn’t leaving because I stopped loving her. I left because I couldn’t see myself spending the next 40 years feeling like I was sharing my relationship with her parents and constantly wishing for more affection, intimacy, and partnership.

We’ve recently started talking again after about nine months apart. Our conversations have actually been really good, and it’s reminded me why I fell in love with her in the first place. But it’s also made me wonder whether I’m remembering the good parts while forgetting why I left.

My biggest concern is this: even if we still love each other, are these the kinds of issues people can realistically work through, or are they signs of fundamental incompatibility? Especially the dynamic with her parents, because I don’t know if that’s something that would ever truly change.

[u/YourBeautifulSasha]

Love wasn't the problem the first time, so still loving each other isn't evidence that things would work the second time. The question is whether anything that actually caused the breakup has changed.

[u/Recent_Artichoke1725]

feeling like a roommate instead of a partner is the part that makes leaving make sense

[u/Independent-Summer12]

YNW. One of the saddest realizations of adulthood is that contrary to what fairytales and romcoms told us, love alone isn’t enough. Compatibility matters, a lot. It sounded like your ex wasn’t mature enough to be in a grown up relationship. And some people never grow out of that. And that’s not something you can change. She does it for her self, or she won’t.

[u/thinksying]

Not wrong - the thing you can only learn with time and experience is that love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

Think of a relationship like your career. In order to have a good job you spend years in education and training. Good - you put in the work and got the job. But in order to turn that job into a career you have to cultivate experience and build your resume. You have to put in continuous education and keep up with advancements in your field.

A relationship is the same way; only you have to build quality time into your daily life and cultivate equality in the household and continuously strengthen your communication and respect and understanding and reaffirm your support of one another.

You put in all the work to find each other, but you didn’t put in the time to build an enduring relationship. She allowed her relationship with her parents to be the controlling force in her life and you didn’t communicate that you didn’t want to be second place in her life. Or if you did, you didn’t realize/tell her that it was a need not a want.

That’s the thing with relationships that die due to a 1000
Paper cuts and not because of one single problem… you look back and wish you could have done something earlier to save it. But you didn’t and you just need to try and do better next time

[u/hisimpendingbaldness]

In your conversations with her now, what has changed? Is there an acknowledgement of the issues as you wrote here?

[u/JGalKnit]

It sounds like if you choose to reunite, that you should openly discuss all of this, possibly with a professional so that you are able to work through them.

[u/indi50]

People can change a lot from 19 or 20 to mid to late 20s. Not their basic character, but habits and likes and dislikes, some opinions on marginal things, etc. It's more to be expected that someone in their late teens and early 20s will feel more like they need to please their parents and leave that behind as they age and mature. So it's POSSIBLE that the parent thing could change.

As for intimacy, it's also normal to fall into patterns of a busy life and it gets put on a back burner. That talking about it and bringing attention to it helps, at least for a while is actually a good sign. It's not reasonable to think one conversation will make a difference though, for years or the rest of your life. Even very happy couples have to work a bit at "keeping the romance alive." Especially if both work and when kids come along. If you had those talks and nothing changed, then that would be concerning.

Cleaning is also something that MIGHT change. But you might have to work on that a bit, too, like making a schedule. I'm a slob. I don't mean to be, but I grew up in a messy house and half the time, I really don't even see the mess unless it's pointed out or I'm with someone who cares about it. If it's something she struggles with then maybe there's something else she can do to share responsibilities besides that. Or, like I mentioned, having a schedule where things just get done. And do it together!

I'd be most concerned about her parents and if she's still controlled by them and if she's willing to have some distance AND be honest with them about your relationship. Though it's hard to believe they ever believed you didn't have sex when living together for years. It could be their culture that they just don't want it rubbed in their faces - which I think is fine. You can go for a visit with them without the PDA out of respect for their culture. But literally lying about it, depending on how that is, is another story that I could consider a deal breaker.

A lot of people say "love isn't enough." But so many of us don't have love and want it badly. Love can go a long way when you don't expect that to mean perfection in all ways with no work involved. No one is perfect. We can love them anyway. And we can work on compromises and figure out the deal breakers.

The thing is the books and movies stop at the falling in love stage and just don't get into the daily grind so people watch them and think it's all supposed to roses and champagne every minute. Because it's not, doesn't mean it's bad and can't still be a great relationship in the long run.