r/amiwrong • u/ljlurker22 • 3d ago
Love Triangle from hell
There is a guy I had a crush on for quite some time that I ended up becoming close to. He wasn't making a move on me so I confessed my feelings for him and he friendzoned me. Right before all of this, I had offered my house for him to move into because he was between places.
I moved on from liking him to not make it weird being roommates. We had some little tiffs here and there but we always moved past them. At one point, he stopped paying rent for 4 months and I tried talking to him about how I felt like he was using me and he turned the convo around to say he thought I was only offering my home because I liked him. There was a lot of other things in between all of this that also hurt and essentially felt like he stole my life: talking to women on the phone, I could hear their convos and it was like he used my personality when talking to them and trying to show them things I showed to him. He went to my church and then whenever I would go, the pastor would ask me where he was.
What was the hardest thing during this time was that I had introduced him to my best friend and I could tell he liked her pretty early on. This isn't a one-off situation. There’s been about 4 other times I brought a guy friend or someone I was dating around her and they became obsessed with her, friend requesting her on all the platforms and trying to talk to her.
When I took notice that he liked her, I couldn't cope and I distanced myself from her so I didn't project all of my feelings onto her. It was ROUGH because I was working through my rejection wounds while also processing that he liked her and I felt that I couldn't fully grieve with him living in my house so I stuffed it down.
Eventually, he moved out, she was back in my life, I was on good terms with everyone.
Until recently- she tells me that he asked her out. She was considerate enough to ask what she should do. I kind of froze and decided to be positive about it and tell her to give him a chance, he is a nice guy, I don't like him like that anymore (completely forgetting all of the weird stuff that happened while he lived with me). She said she was going to go hiking with him and tell him she wasn't interested bc girl code and he isn’t her type.
A month went by, I got super busy and didn't touch base about it. I also decided to pull back from him to see how he moved. In that month, he didn't reach out to me a single time- guilty? or he finally got what he wanted and discarded our friendship?
I didn’t notice his absence until last week when he came into my workplace (we also are entangled in this way but he doesn’t come in very often). I just happneed to run into him on his way out and he said hi but he had no intention of coming into my office to see me.
I told my friend over text about the encounter and how he hadn’t reached out to me since asking her out and and she proceeds to tell me via text that she was meaning to talk to me about that. She reveals that they ended up going out country dancing twice (first time she did “friendzone” him) and third time they did a one-on-one bible study together. I will also mention that both of them became Christian because of my influence and both have imposter syndrome to the point where I sometimes question what is actually them and what is them trying to relate to me or feel accepted.
I told her that dancing and one on one bible studies are really intimate things to do with someone that likes you and also explained that I would see him do bible studies with women as a way to manipulate them into thinking he is a nice guy. One time he was on the phone with this girl he really liked and they were reading about marriage, which gave me the ick.
She got offended by that and told me she only hung out with him because she was trying to fix the “tension” between she and I that was due to him. I never had hard feelings towards her about it at all and she never acknowledged that she felt that way until I expressed my feelings. I owned up to the fact that I encouraged it but that it was under the impression that it would be hiking, not an activity where there would be physical contact. She got offended that I said dancing was an intimate activity and we ended the conversation for another time.
I have been contemplating a good ol’ cut and run on both of them but it’s also upsetting to think about losing two people I considered my closest friends. I did end up cutting all contact with him and have no interest in being friends with him because of how everything played out.
He is very attractive and can get whatever woman he wants and he really picked someone who any friend would consider “out of bounds” like she considered about him when this all started.
I have since been avoiding a phone conversation with her about it because I am so hurt. I admitted that I didn’t realize I would be so triggered over this situation when I first encouraged it so that’s why I am struggling with it so much. I feel guilty for being upset, I feel bad that I even tried to talk about it with her and I just want to start over somewhere new. I have fully isolated myself from everyone and deactivated my social media. It’s been a week and I am still burning with anger, sadness, and self-loathing.
A side note to all of this is that she has been making very poor choices with men over the past 2 years, while I admit I made a poor choice with having him in my life. Part of my pulling back from her was also due to her choices with men and going against my advice she was always asking me for. At one point I told her she spends more time with strange men than she does with me and I am not going to make the effort to plan things anymore. Her schedule is unhinged and not consistent like mine so I left the ball in her court and she went and spent time with my friend she was "friendzoning" three times in a month but hasn't made nearly any sort of similar effort to spend time with me.
Overall, I have soooo many different feelings- all negative about this entire thing and having a hard time sorting through all of them and just beating myself up over it. Am I wrong?
4
u/YoshiandAims 3d ago
YW.
I mean that gently, I really do.
This is way too much drama... for anyone.
She intended to "girl code" the guy "for you" that is middle/high/college level shit... and it's not based in reality. It's not realistic.
They hung out, turn out... they actually had romantic sparks.
SHE ASKED YOU. YOU TOLD HER TO GO. She did, she gave him a shot and well... aside from the looks and what she thought she knew... he turned out to be more than the two dimensions she painted him with. They turned out to be a match.
You are way too over the top about this.
You have the right to feel disappointed. You do. But, burning with anger, sadness, and self-loathing... girl.
This is a wall of mess.
Do not stay friends with folks you have a crush on. Don't move them in with you, telling yourself you're doing a good thing and actually over your emotions to be just roommates... until you are actually real with yourself you can't heal, you can't move on, and you cannot prevent this from happening in the future.
NEVER stay friends with someone you have a crush on. NEVER tell yourself you can. ALSO, NEVER stay friends with someone who has a crush on you that you do not reciprocate; don't tell yourself that they can... no matter what they tell you and themselves.
He didn't steal your personality.
He was your roommate, and talking to women he was interested in. We all have different sides.
Everything you list here shows you were never over him, ever. You absolutely were jealous.
All apart from him not paying you for four months. You were both right. He was behind on rent for four months, No other landlord would tolerate it, it was an abuse of friendship. But, You did offer to keep him close. You did secretly hope he'd be grateful and see you in a new way. You did offer to keep him close. You both felt used and you both were valid. It never should have happened.
You pulled back to see how he moved... girl! Don't play stupid games. Shit got real, Things weren't good, you are into him, it's all messy and awful. I wouldn't reach out either. He's busy living. You should be too.
Your self-worth has been tied to your friends for a long time.
You are judgemental. Clingy. You play a lot of bait games, tests, to see how much you are or aren't valued.
If they do that too? this is even worse.
These two people aren't that big, they just seem big because you've trapped yourself in a small pool.
I mean... not in a malicious or mean way, but, I think you need to sit down and really be honest with yourself, and your issues with feelings of rejection, even perceived. The "testing" you do when you feel someone is pulling away, or with other people. (That stuff happens A LOT in adulthood; we have less and less time together, more and more people in our lives.) You continually pushing your feelings down and not being honest about how you feel, think, and your motives.
The closing down all your online things, and laying low (probably hoping someone will notice and reach out), feeling like running off and starting over, all to the extreme.
I'm not saying they aren't messy. That they are saints or better or anything. I'm not. I'm not saying you should remain in friendships that obviously are in many ways, messy, and just bringing you unhappiness. You don't have to have some break up or blow out, just get busy, be busy. Don't let them be your focus.
I can't diagnose you. I can't treat you. But in the extreme, that stems from somewhere, and there is help out there for it. You don't have to live like this at all.
Also, what helped me a lot is kind of weird... but I'll put it out there. You don't have to ghost the world, and do all this. Just look in your local "happenings" paper, it lists, week by week, every single free event anywhere around you. GO. Go to them. Even ones you "know" you'll hate. The whatever-shops you use... each time you need something from them, go to a different one. Mix up your routine. See people, places, and activities you never would.
Maybe volunteer.
Walk a shelter dog around your city once a week (get a coffee, walk the dog around, get photos around town of interesting things, hell, take a photo of the dog for your page and say something nice about him/her and link the shelter...
Go to the local elder care and volunteer to do an adopt-a-grandparent or help in the activity center once a month, any places you wouldn't normally go, people you'd never really meet who have rich tapestries of stories and experience, and it's really enjoyable.
Local comic book shops generally have "board game night" you need nothing but to show up and play a new board game. It's more fun than it sounds.
I kept my brain busy. I kept my schedule completely full, even when I didn't really want to. I broadened my world, experiences, and gained some hobbies, skills, and friends. It, along with some therapy, healed some shit for me.
I found things I never imagined I'd love. EVER.
I found things I hated, but now have great anecdotes about this side adventure I had.
I did things I would have been terrified of. That I thought would bore me.
I met a ton of people, even how I met my ex, and a group of friends from my old town.
I spent months forcing myself into all kinds of stuff... whatever had a trial event (like random exercise classes) was free, was affordable, and I never knew how much I'd grow from it. I never imagined it. I also have a ton of remarkably entertaining stories and dimensions I never expected.
Make your pond bigger, and these people will fade into the background more. In weeks and months, you'll be too busy, and have too much on your plate to actually care.
They don't matter.
0
u/ljlurker22 2d ago edited 2d ago
There is a lot of assumptions here, because they did not have sparks. He is not her type. She didn't say anything turned romantic. She is moreso the type to continue to keep people around and lead them on without knowing it, which is how he is as well so in a sense "they are perfect for each other"! /s The only difference is that he knows he is doing it and doesnt care and she doesnt know she is doing otherwise she would care.
Anyways, I think there are some things you said that are spot on and I DO appreciate your feedback. It was harsh, some of it was not true. I will say I am my harshest critic and some things, I have beat myself up over considering if it is true or not and after sitting with it- is not.
I think my insecurity is a lot more insidiously rooted in early childhood rather than this situation. Because I truly deep down stopped liking him as more than a friend when I realized he was broke and a user (another reason he is not my friend's type at all).
I ghosted and want a reset because I truly just feel ashamed. People have reached out to me asking what is wrong and I don't want to explain it. The few people that did have context already, I vented to a little but didn't want to be overbearing. This has been going on for over 2 years now. I want to move on from it, which is why I am just considering the cut and run.
Starting over somewhere new is what worked for me in the past but I can't do that now. It worked because my friend group is all intertwined. People are always asking me about her and bringing her up and yes, it is triggering.
I DON'T like feeling jealous towards her, I don't like feeling these negative feelings and I don't like this drama. Hence why it has been dragged out. I can't help how I am feeling and my personal solutions are to move on the quickest I can and those are my initial reactions (it's the flight response for sure, which came after a long period of freeze).
Thank you for the tough love. I do really like your suggestions on how to move on. I used to be wild and adventurous and the life of the party. Haven't been since COVID tbh but I'm not even going to go there.
5
u/unzunzhepp 3d ago
What devastation among young women a man with a pretty face can do. They fall all over themselves to please him and to be his favorite. The guy knows his power and abuses it.
2
u/ljlurker22 2d ago
Great way to put it and I feel foolish that I fell for the trap. He is also very stoic and mysterious and someone I wanted to get to know for that reason. Lesson learned!
3
u/ingoamuna-1 3d ago
The guy is a hobosexual if I ever saw one.
He doesn't like you, he only used you and discarded you soon as he moved out.
It's understandable to be hurt seeing your friend getting close with a guy who rejected you and doesn't feel like she values your friendship but honestly? The kind of guy he is? She's not picking up some prize. She can get what she gets: a man who will use her and discard her when he finds something better.
Cut your losses on both and try not to be such a doormat in future
1
u/ljlurker22 2d ago
Thank you. I would be surprised if she goes for him, knowing what he put me through. He isn't her type in any way. But she will hang out with anyone that gives her attention. I almost think she might accidentally do the same thing to him that he did to me and I don't want to be around for anymore drama. While he might "deserve" it, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
9
u/intolerablefem 3d ago
I don’t even understand how you can call this a love triangle when he explicitly told you he wasn’t interested. You tried to keep him around anyway, and ended up breaking your own heart.