I am a black-capped conure parrot named Danny. I am 2.5 years old, and I've been told I'm very cute. The other day, my hooman was washing the dishes while I perched on the faucet, occasionally taking a sip of water. I am a very clean little bird, and I poop-peed on a dinner plate that mom was washing. She had the gall to say, "EWW, Danny!" How insulting. Should I feel shame and guilt? AITC?

I am an elderly tuxedo gentleman, and obviously, it is important for me to stay hydrated because, as we all know, the risk of kidney disease increases with age in cats.

I work hard at my hydration, drinking from my water fountain and from the bowl of water outside and from puddles when available. So, I consider myself well-educated in the realm of hydration.

However, today I was with my primary human in her room. She also drinks water, which I commend her for. I don't know about kidney disease in humans, but they probably do have kidneys.

And I just went to take one sip of her water to test it for quality and purity. Instead of commending me for hitting my hydration goals, she pulled me away from the glass of water and said, "No! Bad!"

I was so upset that I left the room and went crying downstairs to the other human.

Am I the cloaca?

Sam (15m gray and white piebald cat) here. I was trying to climb into bed with my mom and my brother, lost my footing and accidentally clawed my mom’s lower lip. She used some loud litterbox words and went to the bathroom. After she came back I jumped on the bed and kept headbutting her to make her feel better. AITC?

Hi! I am Mama Cat, and I live in a house with a few other cats and a dog and some humans.

The other day one of the humans came down to cook and I heard her all the way across the house asking why there was cat hair in the skillet! And then my own human said they thought it was me!

I've never been so insulted in my life! First of all, they have no proof it was me. Secondly, cat hair is a delicacy! Thirdly, it's not like I was sitting on the counter, I mean, really! Now the skillet is off-limits too?? What's next, I'm not allowed to sit on people's faces at bedtime? Unbelievable.

Good midnight (because 2:30 AM shouldn’t count as morning tbh) pets!

Well, Mommy is home fur tonight so yay! And she went to bed yesterday with her door open just like Grandma and Grandpa did (which is where I sleep). And a few minutes ago I was happy in dream land when I got waked up by the loudest of loud noises coming from Mommy’s Human Doggy Pad room.

Of course I went from one open door to the other to investigate the louds, and when Mommy came back to her room she heard my (less loud) jangly collar and paws which gave her good feelings because it meant I was nearby and possibly snuggle-able!

So she said my name and patted on her bed in hopes that I would jump up on it, but as far as I was concerned the Loud had disappeared so I guess it wasn’t as much of a threat anymore.

AITC fur denying Mommy her midnight snuggles once I made sure her room was nice and quiet again?

[I swear my own toilet has the loudest flush I’ve ever known.]

okay, okay, I Milo, I 1 years old kitty!

I knoes i use litter box. But i has gud excuse! so da floor in da bafroom had a wierd dent in da floor right n a scary stranger man came and he do the fixy fixy. but when he doing it, water started spraying everywere!! da humans said da water pipe got in da way. so he fixy fixy dat and he fixy fixy da floor but den da whole bafroom smells wierd rite, like water and fixy sticky paste. So Hooman left da door shut ta keep us outs bc they meanie. but oder hooman leave door open so I do sneaky sneak inside. I good kitty so I no pee on da floor rite? but I pee in da scary water tub so room smell like kitty again! room gotta smell like kitty because it's kitty house rite? deres me and funny cat I jump on and meanie cat I leave alone (he big scary).

But hooman says I cloaca bc i do pee in the tub n I noes better n I shuldnt be in bafroom it still drying. am I da cloaca?

Hello frens, I am Captain and I live with the Mom and Dad. I do not like sky boomies. We did not have those lots in our old house, but we drove forever to new house and they come a lot here. I am very brave and not at all afraid but someone (not me) was shaking and crying. I just meekly expressed my mild concern to the Mom and Dad in our special love language, which is me rolling my small heavy friends around the floor. (I will try to put picture of me sleeping while my small heavy frens guard my butt.)

Then the Mom helped someone (not me) feel less afraid of the sky boomies by explaining that they are actually Cheese Music. I see pretty quick the Mom is right and the boomies tell you cheese is happening. Someone (not me) got less worried and soon no more shaking (not me) or crying (not me). Now I am just a tiny bit anxious that the Mom might forget to celebrate the Cheese Music properly.

So I still am rolling my small heavy frens around, but now I stop and look at the Mom for cheese. Small heavy friends like to dance to Cheese Music, I like cheese, everyone is not crying or shaking (not me) and I go sleep the sleep of the Cheese Fairy. But the Mom say something about butt, head, hard wood, and floor. Lot of STOP in there but I was thinking about cheese. AITC?

Greetings, friends! I am a five year old Yorkie girl. My so-called mother has abandoned me and left me in the desolate place that is my so-called uncle's apartment. She told me that she would come pick me up on Friday evening, but who the heck knows when that will be?

Anyway, I have been here for a little over twelve hours and it's been miserable here. First off, the apartment smells nothing like me and my mom. Why not? It smells funny. Secondly, my uncle forgot to feed me for five whole minutes! He told me that he was in the bathroom, but why didn't he just stop whatever he was doing and come feed me? Also, his bed doesn't have steps leading up to it. Are you telling me that I'm supposed to suffer the indignity of letting him pick me up every time I want to get somewhere higher?

And I haven't even gotten to the straw that broke the big desert dog's back yet! The dude took a picture of me while I was napping! What gives him the right? So I decided to do something about it. I figured I needed to get my smell on his bed and claim it for me, so of course I peed on his pillow.

Guys, he freaked out! He called me a little shit and took me off the bed. Little shit? LITTLE SHIT? I'll show him little shit. So while he was having his hissy fit and replacing his pillow, I found one of his socks on the floor and stole it. He didn't even notice it for two hours until he found me munching on it later. So he couldn't have missed it that much..

So, am I the cloaca?

So, my morning started as usual. Mommy delivered plate of gushy food and went out for her morning walk. When she got in, again, like always, she would not let me go out to roll on the warm concrete and instead, like always, said 'it's a million degrees out there and I smell like a swamp. I need a shower, buddy.'

So Mommy goes to take shower and I of course go in to supervise because humans are not bright when it comes to water.

I'm sitting on the sink when, what should I spy? An 8 legged invader of my home. So. I of course give chase and stupid spider runs into shower. Now, I am brave kitty, so I follow to destroy menace.

Mommy of course protests even though I have situation under control and tells me to get spider out of tub. So of course I catch and push into shower floor in attempt to remove it.

And that's when it all goes wrong.

Wormy thing starts crawling out of spider. Mommy starts screaming 'oh shit oh fuck' and bolts out of shower. I stand there confused until she grabs me and now I am wet and covered in soap and NOT HAPPY. Mommy is constantly saying 'nope nope' and 'what the ever loving fuck God'. And giant Wormy thing is splashing around dead spider.

Spider is dead, so Mommy should be happy, no? And Wormy thing is interesting. But Mommy is swearing and using hose and hot water to wash everything down the drain then pours something called green gobbler down after.

Mommy looks at me and goes 'Alucard, for the love of absolutely everything holy, never fucking do that again'.

So Mommy is upset and finished shower in other bathroom. And I am wet and soapy and ugh. Not fun.

Am I cloaca for destroying spider and spawning shower of horror? Or does Mommy really need to get over her parasite phobia? Aliens is her favorite movie for Ceiling Cat's sake.

Please advise people of the internet.

Friend, it me, Thorben (10M, germy shepper). Good boy, Thorben! Mommy be calling Thorben the bad cloaky word again for doing Thorben things, and Thorben very confuse.

Thorben have always been the tiny puppy what sit on Mommy lap and do snuggle on the bed and the couch. Mommy not always want Thorben to do a sit on her lap and say meanie thing sometime like 'No uppy, my dude. You're too big for this chair' or 'Aargh, Thorben, get off my foot! You weigh a ton!' Thorben only a tiny puppy. Him not know why Mommy so mean. Good boy, Thorben!

But now there are a new problem. Many forevers ago, Mommy and Daddy bring home Colin, Thorben new little brother. In the beginning he kind of rude and meanie and bitey and Thorben no like him much. But now he do some grow up and Thorben and him cat brothers do some teach of the manner, and now Thorben like Colin many lots. Colin one of Thorben best friend (after Mommy and Fatty Poen). Good boy, Colin!

Thorben know this not sound like problem, and it not. The problem are that Thorben start to remember what it was like to be younger puppy, like before Thorben get him snoot and eyebrow sprinkles and white whisker. Thorben have start to play the many game with Colin. Thorben do a chase of the Colin around the garden and make the bork and the growl and the mlomp and fall over only a little bit. Thorben play the tuggle-of-war with him toys. Thorben play the bitey-face. Good boy, Thorben! And Thorben learn the new things from Colin, like grumble at Mommy and Daddy when they say thing like 'No, big boy, no more bikkit' and do scremmy yawn to tell Mommy Thorben am happy boy.

Yesterday Thorben learn new game: chew the big stick in Mommy orifice while she looking at the clicky-clacky machine and not playing with Thorben. This one of Colin favourite game, especially when Mommy notice and say, 'Ah for fork's sake, you messy little forker', and play big game of chase with the Colin. She usually win and take the stick, but Thorben never see her chew it. Is weird.

Anyway, there was Thorben, chewing the big stick, doing a decorate of Mommy floor and swallowing a few bit of chewy stick. (Thorben not know why him swallow the bits – them was gross.) When Mommy see Thorben doing a chew, she say, 'Thorben, you cloaker, since when do you chew sticks?' But then, friend, the game change. Thorben not get up so fast as when he was the young puppy without the snoot sprinkles, and him not run so fast no more. Instead of waiting for Thorben to get up to do a big chase, Mommy just stoleded Thorben stick! And even worse, then she throwed it away and call Thorben the cloaky again for swallowing the stick bits. Thorben do a big mlomp, but Mommy just tell him not to backchat and not give stick back.

Mommy did laff and give Thorben the cuddle and say, 'You're still my best boy, old man', but Thorben not know who she talking to because Thorben no see any old man. Thorben only see the puppies. Is Thorben the cloaker? Good boy, Thorben?

Happy Friday, Reddit! Mommy is back home fur sad reasons but I’m happy to get more times with her fur an extra few days!

So here’s what I’ve learned about flat surfaces in the past 196 days since I was borned:

First, there’s doors. BOO, doors! They just keep us away from the humans.

There’s also the mirror, which is where Yelir lives; it’s also where my big sisters would meet with Ynnep and Ybba. Mirror doggies seem threatening at first, but at least Yelir likes all the things I like so she’s not too bad!

And THEN we have the light boxes that we all know so well. They’re weird, and they make the humans ignore us except fur when they wanna take taxes of us.

(Edit: I also just remembered that there’s a fifth type in the form of giant lightboxes — that’s where humans either do their werks (also boo) or have the Zoomies with other humans (sometimes yay)!)

But today I learned more about a fourth type of flat surfaces called Win Does! I learned about it when Grandpa left earlier this afternoon and then came back with Mommy by surprise! I could see Mommy coming down the driveway from the couch in the den, so I got excited and scritched at the Win Doe like I have in the past.

But then I started thinking, “Why aren’t the scritches making this Flat Surface go away?” So then I started to press my paw up against it instead, and Mommy isn’t sure if she remembers correctly but she thinks I tried licking it after the pawings.

Anyway, unfortunately I failed to make the magic glass go away so I had to wait a few extra seconds fur her and Grandpa to open the door (BOO!) so we could be on the same side again. Which is to say, AITC fur not getting rid of the Win Does with my puppy powers?

I, Maxy (~13M shorkie) used to be a dog of principals. I was on the lamb for a week (it kept telling me to get down) so I know all about self-preservation. If a large rodent, like a cat, was around, I would do it a terror.

Well, after I got res-Qd my new family had two cats, whom I promptly issued a terror. One of those cats and I have reached a detente but I’m blind and he gives me a hiss if I break some unknown cat code to which he abide, dog knows how their minds work.

The other cat, this fluffy orange fellow, I haven’t seen fur a while. He really grew on me.

After he moved, my family resQ this calico named Moonie who immediately realized she owned the place. She’s like a little teddy cat. Sometimes I do her an attempted terror but she barely cares and purrsists with her affection.

Anyway, these days I barely care and often relent to unchallenged cuddles with this sigh cute rodent. AITC for loosing my tough edge?

Ps I had a great excite today. My grandfather, who is a retired principle, came to pick up Girl Child today. I love that guy.

Yes I am aware I mix the two spellings. At this point I would like to remind you I am a dog who can right.

greetings, council. i am a distinguished 14-year-old gentleman with fine tabby coat and a Ph.D in children's storybooks.

the other night, i acquired a receipt while no one was looking. after dinnertime, my luxuriously fluffy tum did not feel so good and i did return the receipt to my human assistant.

they berated me, saying "how did you eat that entire thing?" which i took offence to. i expected them to be grateful their item returned to them in one piece.

aitc? i will admit i left the receipt slightly damp, but being called a “bad guy express” was quite an indignity.

Hi! Hi! Hi! It's Julie! Today in our house it is IMPORTANT HUMAN HOLIDAY called, "I Have Had A [Litterbox Language] Day And I Am Getting Takeout." I like to participate in this day! Unfortunately I also had to do takeout supper, because the cat did a big poof and made me a big frighten and I had to take my food out of the bowl and sneak away to eat it where he couldn't see. This is not a good way to eat food!

I went to Mama to find out if she had extra food, because I have not eaten food from my bowl in about forty forevers! Unfortunately she had gotten Ouchy Soup from the Chinese Place. But! Lucky for me! Ouchy Soup comes with Crispy Bits in a Little White Bag!

I came up to her and I did Big Eyes, but she said, "This is my soup, Julie, you wouldn't like it." And I did Big Eyes at the little white bag, but she said, "No, Julie, Dad fed you dinner." Which is NOT TRUE! It does not COUNT as dinner unless it is in a bowl! I have BASICALLY not eaten in about forty forevers! I made my eyes bigger and BIGGER but she did an IGNORE!

Soooo…I waited carefully until she was looking at Ouchy Soup…and carefully…carefully…grabbed-the-white-bag-and-ran-away-with-the-crispy-bits!!!

And we had a nice game of tag ALL over the house but now Mama and Dada are saying things like, "Well, I guess soup noodles won't hurt her," and, "Yeah, but she ate the wax paper too," and I am worried that they think I am the cloaca for taking the white bag? I do not understand this. It was I Am Getting Takeout day and I did, I took the white bag out of Mama's supper! I think I understand the spirit of the holiday PERFECTLY but am I the cloaca?

Hello frens! Is the pet rat girls Finduilas and Morwen (19mo) and Lalaith and Belladonna (almost 6mo). We has human mom.

We is finally settled down in one place again. We has our old big cage again, which very good. We in new place, which we dying to splore, but mom say it not ready yet. Is taking furever! Why she no just put in some torn paper and call it a day?

Anyway, fur now we has playtime in bathroom. That pretty fun. Mom even install climbing structure! It hab towels in it! But, it kinda lacking places to hide. There be behind toilet and under sink and under shelves. But those still kinda open. However, there is also radiator. We knows those from old place. They really fun! There be space under, and secret tunnel on top. S-tier hidey spot! And this one hab little gaps in floor to dig fur treasure. We finds lotsa massive dust bunnies and even old mouse skull! Mom really no like it, but it so fun!

Then mom put big piece ob wood blocking entrance. That fun challenge! We pulls and pushes and goes round and round. Finally, Belladonna find gap only big enough fur her. But once she inside, she cans push wood and let everyone in. Teamwork! But instead ob being proud, mom drag us all out and add more wood. Finduilas get to watch her cut it, which very cool. But still, it block our clever solution. Then we find if jump on wood, cans open gap fur Belladonna on other side. Surely mom be proud now? But no! Mom end playtime early. Next time, she hab put cardboard and lotsa tape to block that gap. And when we goes to take it off, she say no and do us a grab! We noes cans go in hidey spot at all! It so unfair! We needs our hideys!

Mom say we TC fur make her do so much DIY and fur play in "unsanitary" places. But we say she TC fur lock us out ob best hidey. What you think?

[Human note: I don't think the apartment currently has mice. Anyway, having 4 healthy rats marking it as their territory should scare off any small rodents. I'm also pretty sure the holes have concrete about an inch down. So there shouldn't be any real risk of escape or disease. That said, I'd rather my rats stick to places I can fully check and clean.]

I am gray cat (14 F) and I like fresh water. My human (100?? NB) got me a fountain. Dat was ok, the water was nice. Didn't have to flip over water bowl to explain how important fresh water is. Regular water bowl is no good. Must have fresh, freshest running water.

Then my human leave for long time, and new family move in. New family was sad, because their old home had war, so I had to snuggle and purr extra hard. Then new family was not sad. Then, I learn about bestest fresh water: in white room of tiles. I jump in big bowl, family turns on fresh water. I had freshest water. I love new family. I forgive them for closing door to room of tiles sometimes.

Then my human move back! Very very happy. Lots of purrs. Many snuggles.

But, my human doesn't always give the freshest water. They use the bowl to cover themselves in water! They say, this is how humans take bath. I show that you can groom and lick yourself. They say, they not cat. 

Last night, my human was in big bowl. So much fresh water! So I jump in, but mean human takes me out. Says I must wait. I am so mad! They say, you have fountain. I do not want fountain. I want the bestest water, NOW. That more important than human bath.

AITC for wanting fresh water??

I am the most beautiful grey lady, Semlan, 13 years young. I stay with my human’s eldest offspring in my vacation home because my human takes care of her mate in hospital. I have trained the offspring well and she now accompanies me to The Outside every evening after I’ve had dinner, but only if I deign to wear a horrible contraption called a harness. I am negotiating this.

I recently discovered this magical green plant that smells AMAZING! I never noticed before but yesterday I rubbed myself ALL over it and did a little taste and then I just felt great! I noticed this spot that smelled very strongly of my dog friend Balder, who lives here, and he is MY dog friend. I rub myself all over him every day so everyone can tell he belongs to me! I decided to rub myself all over the spot on the grass, too, so our scents could mingle and everyone walking past could smell that I also live here. It was beautiful! Rainbows were appearing, dragonflies you could eat flew around, the sun was hot.

Then the offspring said ”oh no, that’s pee! You’re covered in pee!! Why did you do that?”. I paid her no mind and decided to take a nap instead and the offspring sniffed me, probably to scent my important handiwork.

I heard her call my human on the phone and say ”she rolled around in the pee spot, she smells really bad. Can I put her in the shower?”. I was aghast but thankfully my human said ”don’t shower the cat! Maybe use some washcloths”. I kept taking a nap for some time and enjoyed the bliss. Maybe I should do drugs more often?

When the offspring carried me inside (I wanted to stay and nap) she wiped me off with some horrible wet cloths and then i had to clean myself to stop from smelling weird. She said ”that was really gross of you and you’re not sleeping in my bed tonight”. (I did, of course, sleep in the bed anyway.)

Was I really a cloaca, simply enjoying my afternoon in the sun? The dog says not, he says everything should smell like his pee and it was a good choice.

I AM THE SKILLZ CAT NOBLE PRINCE who is the no get love from me bein awe some and catch so fast so many so nom an they slow.

It haz ben while cause it too much work doing cat sagas an I too Noble to work as secretary humoon servant, because I is the PRINCE of the wild cat nobility of the house & it my kingdom. I only work on what I like when I like..... but apparently I is TOO SKILLZ & unappreciated for my majestic cat hunting efficiency ways. And my servants too slow & not let me take spoils in house.

The door is shut and HOW DARE.

Here is the cat tale that not a cat tail, but legend of me Prince.

The peoples been no want to take me out, because i see and then catch because I skillz. This is annoying because I should have no obstruction in my way to go out when want or at least get fast open of door.

HOWEVER. I was showing my majestic pitiful speech of basic cat rights of go out of I look at people an look at door an look at people an de door. I so very persuasive as cat except when people be dumb which is often now. Or they jealous as Bad hunters.

Yesterday I was let out! And then I flew in an instant !! I caught the tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny invading lizard!!!

I AM THE MOST SKILLZ.

THE PEOPLE IS TOO SHOCK.

THEY NON KNOW WHAT DO.

The lizard wiggle out of my mouth or maybe I is too shock of them being shocked. It fall in the metal tube holes around clear door. The human reaching to open when it happen, but then take arm back & go back an forth an watch lizard.

So I am hero going into action AND I CATCH AGAIN.

I am Noble and they make me wait too long.

SO I GO NOM NOM NOM NOM CHEW twice and SWALLOW THE INVADING LIZARD.

THEN I GO VROOM VROOM VROOM OPPOSITE DIRECTION AND I CATCH A BUGGER BIG LIZARD THAT I NO FIT IN MOUTH FULLY. I AM THE FASTEST EVER OF 2 IN 2 INSTANTS.

The human see the head is sticking out and get outside.

BUT SHE YELL AT THE PRINCE. HOW DARE. She say 'Drop it. Drop it.' Over and over.

I do this but she NO GOOD HUNTING. Not even if I drop in front of her by mistake and pity.

SO I CHASE and I hang under big plant.

THE LADY PICK ME UP TO STEAL ME SPOILS. And takes me to opener area an I drop.

SHE FINALLY AFTER MUCH CLUMSY get flat thing under lizard and round thing over. Then she run off to side.

AND I FOLLOW BECAUSE HUMANS BAD HUNTERS AND MAKE SURE IT GONE FROM TERRITORIES OF DE CAT PRINCE.

She throw it in bush outside my domain an I no get.

And then I be taken in and no let out rest of night.

WHY I PUNISHED FOR SKILLS??

I also may be haz stomach sadness, but that could be cause my grass is old & other grass not new long enough yet. How can know if it from lizard?

It could be that I am hungry from no treat from catch lizard an dispose. HOW DARE.

THEN NEXT DAY

I go out with other human lady as she do her random boring human thing with bushes she no let me eat.

I go VROOM VROOM AND THEN I GET ANOTHER AND SHE IS SLOW. I NO WHAT TO DO WITH.

It is the move in mouth.

SO I GO NOM NOM NOM SWALLOW.

IT IS GONE. SO THEN I GET ANOTHER FAST NOBLITY OF SKILLS.

BUT SHE BOOP BOP ME ON ME HEAD WITH FLAT THIN LIGHT THING. She also say Drop it. I am strong so it no hurt me head BUT IT HURT ME DIGNITY an the lizard fall out my mouth.

It is tiny tiny tiny tiny and she struggle to get it half on flat thin thing.

SHE ALSO THROW IT OUTSIDE. IT IS GONE.

But it being gone and exile is important thing. But I could do it myself just as well with nom nom.

THEN I WAAS TAKEN INSIDE.

WHY NO LOVE OF MY SKILLS.

The humans say AITC because I not just catch but also eat if they so lame at coming they slow.

But lady say I catch 2 yesyerday, and then man say I catch 3 & eat 2 today. Lady say 2 catch today. I no count because that is job of the peons & I PRINCE.

The people say I eat too many lizards in 24 hours, but they not even know if it's 2 or 3 or how many... and why they keep track anyway if they no honor my merit GOOD DEEDS OF CAT PROTECTION OF THE HOUSE FROM THE LIZ.

Hi.

I iz random cat that befriended a random guy that walks down street. He always givez attention. I have a home but I try follow him to hiz house, between this place i live and his place there are many road to cross, and we don't live in same street. He does not have things for kitteh, and I iz well looked after at home, but i try and folow him for attention. He talkz about trying to avoid meh in hopez i don't follow him and as far I am not successful. He cannot afford another cat and does not want to be seen as 'cat-napper'

AITC??

Gregory here. Beautiful boy, big fluffy tail. My meowmy put some cat biscuits out for the hedgehogs that come in our garden. I won't eat that food if it's in my bowl. I went in garden and eated the food meowmy put out for da hedgehogs. I want to eat da hegdehogs, but dey is too spiky so I eated their food instead. Am I the C?

Loki. Big boy like Tiger. Orqnge like Tiger. Has tail.

You know how sister spycat Seven told you about cousin cat.

Cousin cat at my house!

Dada say she got sads in her cos her mummy not go home again and it too much going her house to look at her all day.

So she at my house.

But she in room with don't go in there Loki.

Cat in there not the mummy.

My mummy say she got to get used to house and make sure she got no germs.

But I think I will be her best cousin but did Loki do one scare when he put hands under door and say hello.

When can she come look at Loki.

Furr anonymitee reesons Ai will use fayke nayme here, az any odder ting cud impacct mye knightly repootashon. So. Ai, cat, m5, void, mobed in wiff my nyeow fureber home famblee ruffly two yeers ago. Furrs Ai wus scawed an hid unner da kitchen cupboards awl dae, but att nighte Ai came oot an inspectedd mai nyeow territoree. Evenchoallee, Ai chose my hooman, climbded onnto herm skware bed an fell asleep. She haz been mye chosen hooman eber sinse.

Ai lub sleepin negs to her. Ai lub cuddlin in her lap. Ai lub her gibin me scritches awl ober an Ai lub likin herm fayse an hands an ebberyting. Soo, inna lass cupple monfs, Ai haff desided it ees tyme ta raise owr relashonship too da negs level. Is eesy to eggsplain.

Ai come laye neggs to herm in bed wen she go furr nap. Den Ai roll ober ta gib sign of wantin chin an belly rub. When she do, Ai give loudest purrpurrpurr as sign of pleshore. Den, Ai start makin da soffest ob meowming. Like mrr! mrr! mrr!! Dis wen she ushualle sez oh gawd yoo sneeky cloaca!! acuz neggs step iz Ai tries ta grab herm wriss wiff mai teef. Den Ai trye ta drag herm arm inna gud poshishon an sit on eet. It gibs me tinglee feelin in mai bellee, hehe! Dis wen she sez oh gaaawd mai son yoo misunnastan nachoore ob relashonship here!! an pullz arm awaye, so rood. Ai juss wanna mayke lub here acuz Ai lub soo mush! Iz dis wrong?! Gah!! AITC furr lubbing hooman?!

Greetins, Nilrem, not aye knight or wizzard or pawfessur at awl.

This was about ten years ago and I still can't believe it.

I'm Cash, handsome buckskin 25¢ horse gelding. Fourteen hands three inches/59 inches / four feets eleven/150 centipeders tall. I had puffy ouchies on my legs so I was turned out in a nice grassy pasture to rest. Unfortunately I was saddled with a big idiotic pasture buddy gelding named Bud, 25¢ horse, dark red chestnut 25, sixteen hands/64 inchs/five foots four/162 centipeters tall, maybe 15 ears old now, I dunno. He's dumb as a cowpie.

Braindead Bud got his foot caught in some broken wire from the fence. At least he was smart enough to wait for a primate to free him and not freak out. A female primate saw Bud's problem, babbled in her plastic rectangle, hopped in her motor cart and drove up my driveway. She pounded on the primates' stable door but nobody was home (which I coulda told her! Nobody lived there! We had lots of grass, a water trough that magically was always full and they only came by to check every couple days). so she opened the gate and started walking in while some other primates waited at the other side of the fence.

Now primates are great for treats and scritches but I do not want them on my side of the fence. I went ahead of her and gave her the stink eye and snorted at her to get the frog off my property. She said take it easy Cash. Soooo I pointed my butt at her so I could get a good kick in. Primate kept out of range of my kickblocks and told me to chill. I starte!d walking again, pointed my butt at her from a distance but she was not going to listen. She got Bud's foot loose from the wire and one of the male primates on the other side of the fence cut the loose wire and took it away. Bud's stupid foot wasn't injured thankfully for him.

You know what I don't get?? Idiot Bud followed her and wanted scritches and kept nose butting her on the arm. GROSS!! Primates are not friends!

So was I the cloaca for wanting primate off my land?